The Empty Bar Thailand Story
The bar was empty. It was empty. I thought it must have always been empty, and that’s why I went in in the first place. If I saw loads of guys in there, there would have been no chance that I would have bothered going inside. I wasn’t very much of a people person. In fact, the very idea of having to mix with people made me feel really uncomfortable. So, it was because of that when I saw the bar empty, apart from five stunning girls standing inside there, that I thought I would take my chances and go in and see what would happen.
This was my first trip to Thailand. I was going to be there for 2 whole weeks in November 2023. I spent most of that time in the city of Pattaya. And while I had a good time for the first 10 days there, I didn’t manage to pluck up the courage to enter any of the bars because I would shake uncontrollably when I approached them. I saw guys in the bars laughing with the girls, having a great time, seeming like they were having the time of their lives. And I imagined what it would be like for me to do something like that. I just never felt like I would be able to communicate properly if I went inside one of them. Almost like I would freeze. And seeing all those other guys in there, I just expected them to look down on me for my lack of knowledge on how to behave.
Those first 10 days though, they were great. I was 42 years old, and I had some crazy experiences that didn’t even involve going into any of the bars. I took a jet ski out, which was amazing fun. Went on a whole day tour, and that was so exhilarating because I wasn’t much into extreme sports. I visited lots of the famous attractions in close proximity to the city, and I felt like it was a great introduction to the country of Thailand, a place where I’d wanted to visit for a long time, but never felt brave enough.
My Life Back Home
Back at home, I worked as a software engineer. Typical geek, I think would be the word many people would use to describe me. And I was more comfortable in front of a computer than I was in front of people. My job allowed me to earn a respectable salary. But when the working day was over, I’d return home and this was before COVID and I started working from home but there’d be no one there to spend any time with. I came very close to getting married at one point though, although she ultimately left me because of my lack of confidence. And then ever since the age of 24, I’d been single. Instead of returning home to a smiling and happy partner like I’d always envisaged, I’d go home, cook myself dinner, and then get lost in one of my favorite games and I’d turn on the TV. I had a two TV setup. I watched movies on one, and I gamed on the other. I didn’t just watch movies though, I also watched YouTube. And in a way, I felt like the guys I was watching on YouTube were the guys that I was gaming with. Kind of like friends. And I thought that’s what YouTube was all about. Social media, after all, social in its very nature. Therefore, if there’s a guy on there talking about his experiences going somewhere, you do develop a bit of a connection to that person and a bond, and start to think about you know what they do and wonder if you can do it yourself.
So, it was Thailand YouTube that I started to watch throughout COVID mainly. And because I was able to work at home like many other people did, I spent a lot of time getting consumed into that world. I’ve heard other people who seemed to have similar stories to me. Never really felt any sense of confidence. Never really felt secure with ourselves, and Thailand seemed to be a place where we were able to be the people we thought we were meant to be.
I didn’t think I would actually go through with it when I first started watching these things. And as a guy who wasn’t a big drinker or smoker, or who had any vices really, when one day I was feeling particularly depressed, I went to the shop and bought a bottle of whiskey something I rarely did. I drank way too much of it. And then when I’m checking my emails in the morning, I found out that I’d booked a ticket to Thailand. Non-refundable, so I had to go.
I couldn’t wait to actually get there and experience it to see if all what these guys were saying online was actually true. I hadn’t had any time off work for ages, so I got that arranged, and I took it and booked 10 days off. And very nearly though, I decided just to completely forget about the whole thing. I was so nervous about the prospect of going there. But I thought that I didn’t want to waste the money, so that’s why I went.
I was expecting it to be so different to how it actually was. I was expecting to feel danger on every street corner. I was expecting to feel scared when I was out in the day and night time. And I expected to feel like I would rather be anywhere else. But I still clung onto the hopes that what those guys on YouTube were sharing was actually true. Saying how safe it was in Thailand far safer than where I was from. Saying how amazing lots of the things were there, how things were more affordable, and how the Western perspective of the country of Thailand was so inaccurate.
There was one guy I watched in particular who spent all his time in Pattaya. So, that’s where I decided to go.
First Days in Bangkok
I did spend 2 days first in Bangkok, which I thought was a more gentle introduction to the country. I stayed in a really big hotel that had absolutely incredible views of the city of Bangkok. Where I lived was very rural. I lived in a small town on the outskirts of a small town. And aside from the local shop, supermarket in the town, and a post office, there wasn’t much there. I commuted a long way to get to work. But that changed because of COVID, and I was able to continue to work from home because of it. So, I never really had any experiences of what a big city was like. I’d been to London three times before, and I felt really out of place there.
But Bangkok was different somehow. It was still a huge city. It was still everything that you would imagine a huge city to be. But I didn’t feel out of place there. I felt at one with the place in a way that is difficult to describe. My first ride on the BTS, seeing people from all different walks of life all crowded in, and I got off at the Nana BTS station, where many YouTubers said was the place to go for the nightlife.
My first night there, I walked to all of these places. I walked to the bars, and my eyes were gaping as to what I was seeing. As much as I wanted to venture into those bars that day, I couldn’t bring myself to. They looked so incredible and like everything I thought they were going to be. I did manage to go into a restaurant because that was a restaurant. But the bars, I just would have loved to have had the courage to go in on the first night, but I didn’t.
The second night in Bangkok, I went and did a river cruise, and I quickly felt like Thailand was a country that I wanted to get to know even more. Seeing guys that looked similar to me, with girlfriends at home would have been far out of their league. It filled me with a sense of confidence that maybe, just maybe, I would be lucky, and I would be able to find someone. I was thinking that far ahead. Wouldn’t it be great? Maybe get into a relationship, and maybe take her back home with me. And then I’d always have the person I wanted to be with with me at all times.
After those two nights in Bangkok, I made my way to Pattaya. The guy that I watched the most lived there, and that’s where I felt like I knew the most, even though I’d never been before.
The Nervous Walk
Again, on my first night there, I walked up and down all the streets where the bars were. I was so nervous about the thought of even walking down those streets before I did it. But it felt great to see it all. And then I repeated that across the next 8 days. In the daytime, taking part in as many activities as I could, dreaming that tonight would be the night that I would finally go into a bar and see what it was like. But I never managed to pick up the courage until that 10th night.
It was a bar on a soi, and the whole street seemed dead that evening, which it hadn’t done on the nights before. I felt like that could be my chance to actually go in and acclimatize to what it was like without the pressure of having lots of other guys there who might look at me with scorn for not knowing how to behave. I walked in. And before I had even had chance to look at which seat I wanted to sit at, one of the girls came over and grabbed my arm and said, “Nice to meet you. Welcome.” And I ushered myself along to one of the seats as far away from the road as possible, where I could keep my back to the wall and my eyes in plain view of the road. Just so I could be aware of my surroundings at all times.
I was asked what drink I would like and I just ordered a Coke. I didn’t want to have a beer then because I wanted to have my wits about me. And the girl brought it. With that, without even asking, she jumped onto the stool next to me and kind of moved it along to be as close to me as possible. And she was sat right next to me.
She starts asking me questions and while I thought I would have frozen in a moment like that, I was answering with confidence as if it was the most natural thing in the world. She pointed to the pool table and asked if I wanted to play, but I shook my head. I’d never played pool before and I wouldn’t want to try now. And then she asks if she can have a drink and I nod my head quickly as if to say, “I thought you were never going to ask.”
I knew about the lady drink situation and how that worked. And I thought as soon as she had a drink, even if another guy came in, she’s probably not going to leave and go talk to him. So, I felt like I had her now regardless of what was going to happen afterwards. And that made me feel more comfortable. At least a bit more than before.
Before I knew it, I’d already drunk my Coke. She finished her drink and asked if I want another, but I ordered a beer instead. She brings that over with her other drink. Where I’m sat, I can see out onto the street. I see a few other guys enter the bar, but I’m just ignoring everything around me because I’m engrossed in this conversation with this girl who was the most beautiful girl that I’d ever spoken to in my life. She was everything that you would think a Thai girl would be. And she made me feel like I was the only guy in Pattaya.
Time Disappeared
I kept checking my watch. When I entered the place, it was 6:00 p.m. And every time I look at my watch, another half hour has passed as if it was only 30 seconds. And 6:00 p.m. turns into 7:00 to 8:00. And before I knew it, we were on 11:00 p.m. And I must have been quite drunk. And she seemed to be quite drunk, but maybe not as much as me. And I just didn’t want to leave. I felt like I’d found a place where I was happy. And I didn’t notice the time passing. I didn’t notice other people in there. I didn’t notice the other bars around. I was just with her.
And it was at that point when I felt like my life was now going to be a lot better because I found Thailand. All the guys and what they said about Thailand was true. I found it. And not only that, there was a possibility that this girl I was with liked me. And if that was true, then I would need to be on my A game. Which would be very difficult for me seeing as though I didn’t really have an A game.
It was then she asked me what I planned to do for the rest of the night. I can remember thinking, well, I was probably going to go to sleep and that’s it. And I kind of felt like she knew that I was inexperienced in Thailand. You know, I was inexperienced in that scene. She must have done. And because of that, she wasn’t trying to force me to do anything that I wasn’t comfortable doing. She just kept dropping little hints that if I was interested, she would be interested as well. And maybe we could leave the bar together.
I kept picking up on those hints, but I really wanted her to ask me directly so that I didn’t have to make the first move. I was very nervous about having to make a move like that even though I knew that this was part of a place where we were. It made me incredibly nervous to think about rejection even though that was an impossibility. I nearly asked her, but instead I just ordered another drink for me and for her. And time goes on and I’d say it was just after midnight when she directly said she thought I had had enough to drink and she would like me to show her where my hotel was.
I froze when she said that, not expecting to hear those words because it made me understand that this was all too real. I know everyone says you shouldn’t have developed feelings for girls in places like that. But when she said that, I kind of felt like it wasn’t just those feelings that I was having. It was the feelings that perhaps this is the girl that could make my life complete. She could be the girl who could give me what I’d been looking for all my life. And without much hesitation when she asked, I told her where I was staying. With that, I paid the bill. I didn’t even notice how much it cost because it didn’t matter how much it cost. And she left with me holding my hand.
Food Drinks and More
I hadn’t eaten for the whole evening and I was starving. Even though I was drunk, I can remember being so hungry. And I told her I wanted to go and eat something first. And there was a place that we walked to along a road where we had some Thai food. Throughout the whole evening she was just talking to me like she knew exactly how to make me feel good. When you’re in Pattaya, you kind of ignore the fact that just outside this restaurant where we were eating, there was quite a number of girls standing on the street. And you knew what they were there for, but you ignored that. And it just seemed to be different to how you would feel if you saw the same thing in your own country. Here the girls didn’t look like they were on drugs. They just looked like normal girls and I did see a number of them being approached, but usually they were approached by people that looked like they were from a different country to me. Never in my whole time in Pattaya had I seen a Westerner approach a girl on a street like that. I suppose I was only there for a short amount of time, but it didn’t seem to be the thing that Westerners did. I think the Westerners maybe gravitated more towards the bars just like me. And I did feel that in the bar it’s a very different situation than on the street because this is more of a natural environment where you can actually see if you like someone first.
That’s what I was interested in liking someone. I just didn’t want to do anything without any feelings there. So, I suppose I should have thought to myself a bit more than I was doing given the fact that there were all those girls stood outside the restaurant. I mean, on the opposite side of the road they were. And I’m eating, she’s eating as well even though she said she wasn’t hungry. And it’s like some kind of place that you can’t describe unless you’ve been there. I was eating very slowly. Nervous about what was going to come, wondering what would happen. And after being in there for probably an hour, getting even more drunk, but having some great Thai food, we left and she walked with me hand in hand to my hotel. I was staying at a hotel along a road. It took us about half an hour to walk there. Just slowly, taking it easy and stopping occasionally, just laughing and joking with each other like it was the most natural thing in the whole world.
When we got to the hotel, I froze again for a second. I just felt like I definitely couldn’t go through with this. This was too much. I’m starting to get real feelings for this girl and maybe this would ruin it. Maybe this would make everything worse. And I told her how I was feeling. Told her I’m really nervous about this. I really like you. I want to get to know you. And I’m scared that this is going to make everything worse for us. She told me not to be silly. She said it’s fine. She really likes me and she wants to spend time with me. And I could see that she was being serious when she said that. I could tell that she liked me by the way she acted around me. I’d seen lots of people walking on the street with the girls and some of them were smiling and laughing together just like a normal couple. And sometimes I could see that the girl was probably thinking, “Anywhere but here.” I felt like when I was with her, it was real and it wasn’t anything fake and I didn’t want to ruin it.
I know many people might think I’m being very stupid, but this is so different to anything I’ve done in my life before. This is something like completely alien to me. The way I would describe it to someone is think about something that you do on a daily basis that you’re used to and it’s part of your routine. Think about the things that make you comfortable, that make you happy, make you sad, everything along those lines. And then think about yourself being teleported out of that comfort and normality to a different place altogether where everything that you were used to is removed. And you’re starting to feel excited and happy about it, yet nervous at the same time. What if something goes wrong? It was because of that that I told her I think we should wait. I think we should wait a bit longer and I’ll go back and see you tomorrow just to make sure that we both still have these feelings for each other. She was quite supportive when I said that. And I did give her a little bit of a tip just to show my appreciation for her helping me to find myself in a way like I never expected to be able to find myself. She left and I made my way up to my hotel room.
When I got there, I just looked out across the ocean at night with the lights flickering on some of the boats and the Pattaya sign in the distance. I just thought finally, I could be the person I always thought I was. And not only that, I’d just met someone who could potentially be the person that becomes my long-term partner. I was only 42. She was 34. So, it wasn’t like there was a big age difference. And I thought that made a huge amount of difference. If I was 52 and she was 24, then I would have thought that this was so different to what I thought it was. I would understand that there was something going on other than what I hoped it would have been. Yet the fact that I was only 8 years older than her, the fact that we both seemed to have similar interests, similar dreams I mean, we talked about all of these things for hours and hours together.
I just went to sleep that night thinking about her and thinking about seeing her the next day. She said she was going to start work at around 4:00 p.m. Told me to go and see her and she said she’d really expected to see me and she appreciated the fact that I’d been so open and honest about what I wanted. I told her everything that I wanted the first night we met and how I’d been so unlucky at home, how I’d been in a relationship once and it failed and how I spent more than 10 years without feeling love. I told her how much it meant to me that she’d allowed me to feel like this and I thought that she actually respected this because I couldn’t wait to see her the next day.
The Second Day
It took me far too long to get to sleep. And when I woke around 9:00 a.m. a banging headache, but I felt in a way like that headache was payment for the best night I’d ever had. I got out of bed with my head quite literally banging, but I didn’t care. It was like bring it on. I just tried to drink as much water as I could and I went to a place where I could get a proper English style breakfast to try to recuperate a bit and by 11:00 a.m. I was already feeling about 90 95% of myself and just excited about what that evening would bring.
I spent those 5 hours waiting just with a buzz of energy like I’d never felt before. A huge smile across my face when I was walking around and I guess I must have looked like someone who’d won the lottery in a situation like that. I went to a mall, thought it would be a good idea to see what it was like. I even thought about the idea of buying her a small gift and I knew that sounded stupid given the situation and given where we were. I wasn’t naive to the fact that this was a bar and what went on in a bar. I didn’t see any problem with a girl who worked in a bar like that because just because you work like that doesn’t mean that you can’t have feelings for somebody. I respected her for being able to do that. She was supporting her two kids she said and I felt like she was a really great character.
I looked around but ultimately decided that buying her a gift would be a little bit crazy especially given that it would only be the second time I saw her. But it was interesting to see what those malls were like because I’d seen so many on videos before but never actually gone into any of them. Very modern in comparison to the ones I was used to at home and I guess because it had probably not been built very long ago that was why it was the case. You could see that they were very popular with local people. I guess they just wanted to escape the crazy heat because it was so well air conditioned. So after spending some time in there, go outside and it’s only 1:00 p.m. So I just walked around a bit, made sure to have sunscreen on because it was so hot and then 2:00 p.m. comes around and I go for some lunch. Back to my hotel to change and then leaving the hotel was a moment where I could change my mind and try to snap out of it, but I didn’t want to because I felt amazing about the prospect of seeing her again and seeing where things went.
The thing was I knew where things could go if I wanted them to. I felt like I had a bit of control in a way that made the whole thing a lot more relaxing and comfortable than it would have been if you were going in and where people might have been on a traditional date. This wasn’t a traditional date. This was a date. I felt it was a date, but it wasn’t like I didn’t know what the outcome could be. And that really made it feel like it was a better situation because I’d never been in control in my life about anything really. So I felt happy that whatever happened I didn’t need to worry about anything. Everything was in my court. And that was the way I wanted it to be.
I left my hotel and walked to her bar. It was probably the most exciting walk that I had ever walked in my life because I thought I was going to see someone who I shared really strong feelings with the night before. And it was in a way like the moment that could see my life going in one direction or the other. That’s how big I was thinking this was. This was a right or left kind of thing, up or down. There was no in between and I suppose that’s how I wanted to feel and I elevated the feelings I was having in order to be able to live in the moment so much.
And when I turned onto the street where the bar was, that was my last chance to turn back. But the thought of turning back had completely gone and before I knew I was already at the bar and she was there. She smiled at me and I walked in. Before I even sat down she gave me a huge hug and said she was so looking forward to seeing me again. She said she was worried that I would have forgotten about her and I wouldn’t have gone back. I looked at her like there’s no way I would not have come back. I told her that I’d been thinking about her all night and all day and this is the moment that I was looking forward to the most.
A Local Experience
I ordered a drink and one for her, but I said to her that after we finish this drink I’d like to go and have a drink somewhere else in a location that’s not necessarily a bar like this. I asked her if she knew any local places because I’d not been anywhere local yet and I hoped she could potentially introduce me to somewhere different. Then the plan was to get something to eat, enjoy a nice meal, maybe more drinks after that and then let’s just see where the night takes us. She remembered so many of the things that I talked about from the night before which made me feel very special. She remembered little things that I mentioned like “I was thinking about what you said about this” and then she’d give me opinions about it. Her English was a lot better than many of the girls that seemed to be there. It wasn’t fantastic, but it wasn’t basic either. I could say something that wasn’t just normal boring “nice to meet you, what’s your name” kind of thing. I could ask her more in depth questions in detail and the fact that she was able to understand that I thought it must mean that she was really committed to be able to learn the language. And I started to think what it would be like to learn Thai because it just seemed to be completely impossible. It was lucky when you were walking around that they have signs in both Thai and English. Cuz if they didn’t have English you wouldn’t have been able to understand it given the fact that in Thailand they have a completely different script. But she said that she’d love to take me somewhere a bit more local. She said she knew a perfect place and we left the bar and walked up to the road and she called a Grab which took us about 20 minutes away to a place close to a beach. It was north of the main beach in Pattaya and we kind of just turned right and left and continued going and then before we know it we’re there. The guy was driving quite fast and then it was like he was a lunatic, but I suppose he wanted to get more fares.
This little place it was set alone by itself. They had a few chairs and tables next to the beach area, but it wasn’t a beach as such, it was more rocky. And there were quite a lot of people there. Lots of foreigners as well, but it seemed to be where local people would go and that made me feel special because I’d never been somewhere where local people seemed to eat before and she said that they had actually food and drink here. I wasn’t ready to eat yet, so we sat at one of the tables as close to the sea as possible, ordered some drinks. She got a cocktail, I got a beer and again I just lose myself in conversation with her to the point that time is going by, more drinks are arriving and I’m getting drunk. And that’s when I took the conversation more towards the future. I wanted to know what she wanted to do in the future. Up until this point all I wanted to do was continue my work and retire and that’s it. I had no plans to live anywhere other than my home country. No plans to do anything other than what I was already doing. I just wanted to do it with someone by my side. For her though it seemed that this is what she said she wanted to meet someone, maybe get married and settle down and she said that sometimes she thinks she’d love to go and live back up where she was from in her village closer to her kids. Her youngest was 14 at the time. And sometimes she said she might want to go and continue to live in Pattaya because she liked it there. They had so many things there that you could do. It was interesting to hear about what she wanted to do and I asked her has she ever had a serious relationship with someone from a different country before? I told her I was open to anything. I didn’t care about anything. And she said she spent about 2 years about 5 years before this with a guy from Germany. Apparently he was older than her and she kept saying that he was too controlling and too demeaning and trying to think of a polite word to use here he liked to do strange things she said. When she said that I had to get her to stop because it made me feel a bit sick.
But I was starting to get hungry and asked her if she was and she was, so we decided to leave that place, pay the bill and go somewhere else. I just wanted to see somewhere different and I asked her what her favorite thing to eat was and she said it was something called moo kratha. I had no idea what that was, so I told her let’s go. She booked another Grab heading back in the direction that we left and before long we were dropped off at this place. There were people there cooking their own little bits of meat and vegetables on this metal plate surrounded by water with a charcoal bucket underneath. She said this was a very good example of this style of food. It was quite an interesting experience for someone like me because I’d never seen anything like it before. But it was nice nice dipping sauce, seafood as well and we definitely had more drinks in there. And I could see that this style of food was popular with groups of friends. There seemed to be lots of local people there. The charcoal pot in the middle and then there might be up to 10 people surrounding it. I mean, if there were 10 people, they might have had two of these instead of one. And everyone just seemed to eat slowly, little bits of food and drink and talk. And it seemed to be somewhere where you could have a very sociable experience. I felt our experience together there was quite intimate.
And I guess we’d probably spent 2 hours there and the time’s just flying by. I’m lost in my conversation with her. I’m lost in the fact that I’ve also got in the back of my mind that tonight I’ve only got two more nights left after this before I have to leave Thailand and return home back to my normal and boring life. I tried to completely not think about the fact that I needed to leave soon cuz that could have sent me into a depression if I wasn’t careful. I just tried to concentrate on the moment and after we ate that night, we went to another place to have more drinks. And when we’re together, she’s always holding my hand. She’s always locking arms with me and she’s always putting her arm around me. She tries to take my arm to put it around her as well and we’re sitting having something to drink. And I felt like she was really being affectionate. Really being affectionate in the moment like this is something serious and she likes me. She wants me to hold her. And I felt special that she acted like that. Again, I saw other people in similar situations where it appeared that this was more a show than actual reality. But I never stopped to think about looking at myself from the outside because what would I have thought of myself if I wasn’t me looking at myself doing this? Would I have thought that’s real there? Those two were at the start of what’s going to be a fantastic relationship. Or would I have thought that this is just another Pattaya bar girl situation? I don’t know. Because sometimes I saw people who it did seem to be genuine and real with. And in the moment it was real for me because it was happening and she was smiling.
And when we were at that bar with just a normal style bar with no girls working there it was completely packed with people. But we had a small table close to the back and that was the first time that she actually kissed me. It was incredible cuz it just felt like the start of something that could be real. I struggled to comprehend how anybody would look at somebody like me and not just see me for what I was. A really lonely guy. A really, really lonely guy looking for love. And I wanted to find someone who was looking for love as well. And that’s what she said she was looking for. It was amazing though after that because I was starting to think for the first time that why don’t I just move to Thailand and do my work from here? There’s nothing stopping me. I work from home anyway, so why don’t I do that?
We left that bar again probably just after midnight. And I’m not ready to go because I want to have more drinks. I want to live like this more because it’s just so much fun. But she said she was tired. She said maybe we should go to my hotel now. Without thinking about it, she knew where I was staying and she’s leading me hand in hand towards my hotel and I’m just thinking I hope this doesn’t ruin what I’ve got going on here. We arrived and this time she went up to my room with me and there she stayed for the rest of the night. In the morning, I’m nursing another bad hangover. She looks at me and smiles and I smile back and I think that she’s just made me the happiest man in the world.
Extending the Trip
Only two nights left though. And I told her I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to go back. I want to stay with you. Or I want you to go with me. And she just said she’d love to spend more time with me and I said, “Can you stay with me for the rest of the day and can you stay with me until I go home? We can see if we can decide what we want to do together.” She agreed. Then it was just like we were together at least for the remainder of my time in Thailand. And while it did feel quite strange when I gave her a little bit of money, I understood that she didn’t have a job like I did back at home. I earned good money. I had a job. I was on holiday. But she didn’t have a job apart from working in the bar. Therefore, it made sense to me to give her a little bit of money because she didn’t have anything else, whereas I did. We probably spent most of the morning up until the early afternoon just staying in the hotel. It was so great to be there with her and that’s when I started to think about changing my ticket. I could go back a bit later. I still had some holiday days left that I could use, maybe five. So, I thought maybe I could change the ticket. I sent a quick email to my boss saying that I wanted to extend five days’ holiday. That would mean I would get seven more days in Thailand because I’d have the weekend days as well. I hoped he would agree. I didn’t even care how much it would cost to change the ticket because who cares? Even if it was £1,000, I would have paid it.
And I patiently waited for the response to my email. I sent it about 3:00 p.m. in Thailand and it was still a while before opening at home, so I didn’t get a response straight away. But I did eventually and it was approved. So, I found out how to change my ticket and unfortunately, I bought a very bad ticket that was non-refundable and it would have cost so much to change that I actually just booked a different ticket to go back. £700 that cost for a one way ticket, but it seemed well worth it. I thought though that this would really give me enough time to get to know her more so I could come to a decision about what I actually wanted to do with my life moving forwards. Now I had nine days with her. I talked with her before I changed my ticket telling her that this is my plan and she said she’d love to stay with me for the whole time. We went and arranged it with the bar so that was sorted out. And I asked her, “Should we go somewhere that’s not Pattaya because I haven’t really seen anywhere else apart from two days in Bangkok?” She recommended an island called Koh Chang. It might take us 3 to 4 hours there if we booked a taxi. I was really keen on the idea. So, we left Pattaya that day forgetting about the fact that I still had two days left at the hotel, but I didn’t care. And we went to that island where we stayed for four nights before returning to Pattaya.
During the time on that island, I felt like I really got to know her even more. I was starting to have strong feelings for her and she indicated that she was having strong feelings for me as well. I wanted to understand exactly how this would work. I asked her, “Surely, you must have friends who have met people. How do they work things out?” She said many people have long distance relationships. Some people move to Thailand and some people take their partner to their country. That seemed like it was pretty obvious really three options. But I started trying to find out what she would feel would be the best thing for us to do. She said that going to my country would be something that she wouldn’t really want to do. She wouldn’t want to be too far away from her kids. Although she didn’t see them often, she still saw them every few months. I asked her, “How would she feel if I moved to Thailand to be with you? Would you want me to be with you?” And she said she’d really like that. She said she’d never met anyone like me before and she felt lucky to have met me. Every time she said something like this, the only thing I could feel is that she really does actually have these feelings for me.
I felt like I wasn’t giving her a lot of money. I mean, I was on holiday and I was making more money by being on holiday than I was paying for the hotel on the island, the food on the island, and the money that I was giving to her. I was still left with more at the end of the day anyway, even though I was on holiday. So, I didn’t think that someone would fake feelings for a little bit of money because to me it seemed like it was really real. She wasn’t wrong about the island being great. Nothing like Pattaya, but they did have some bars there that we could go to together.
I just felt like we were getting to know each other and I was actually falling in love with her. I was really falling in love with her and she was like my dream girl. She was the sort of person that would come to me in my dreams when I was sleeping. And the fact that this was real and not a dream, I was thinking about just giving everything up at home and moving there. Working from there because I could work from there based on the job I did. Many guys on YouTube that I watched talk about this. It’s one of the things that attracted me to Thailand. Many of them saying that they work online and because of that they can stay in Thailand. Yet I wouldn’t need to do anything basic because I had a really good profession and I was good at it. So, why don’t I just move to Thailand and take my Western salary there and have a great time, be with her, get married, have a family, and everything that I’d always wanted to do. I could do and I could do it with her.
We returned back to Pattaya and it did make me feel that I loved Pattaya more than the island because there was a lot more action there, so much more going on. And that’s where I thought I would want to live if I did move to Thailand. I haven’t spent enough time in Bangkok to get to know it well enough and she seemed to like Pattaya.
The Last Days
I’d say that the week I spent with her in Pattaya was the most romantic week of my life. She had become the love of my life and with about three or four days left to go, I told her I’m going to move to Thailand to be with her. “Can you wait for me?” She didn’t hesitate. She said she’d love to wait for me. And in that moment, she made me feel so special and lucky at the same time. We spent the next few days together and I can remember my last day and night with her because I would say that that was the pinnacle of our time together. We woke up early and took a walk along the beach in Pattaya. I get it, it’s not the most romantic beach, but to walk hand in hand with her thinking that this could be a daily reality for me. It made me feel excited.
We then returned to the hotel and spent time there before going out for lunch. A really great seafood feast for lunch. We started having a few drinks then, all the way through until dinner, where we went to the most romantic restaurant in Pattaya. It was a wonderful meal, wonderful to be in her company, and just thinking again how much this was costing me. Okay, these were expensive meals at some extremely expensive places. But when we were going to normal places before, I could afford to do this on my salary and still have money left over. So, it kept making me think that imagine being able to do something similar to this every single day.
She seemed to be very happy as well that we were spending this quality time together. But she did look a bit off, and I think that it was just due to the fact that I was going to be going the following day, and we didn’t know exactly when we would see each other again. I was thinking I wanted to be back in Thailand as soon as possible. If I could have been back in a week, that’s what I was thinking. But I knew it was more likely going to be a minimum of a few months, and that was if I was able to move to Thailand with my job. Despite that I was working from home there, I still had to have the talk with them if I could do it from overseas. I never needed to go into the office though, so it felt like it should be possible. But I was still quite apprehensive about asking them. But I was all for quitting the job altogether if needs be and finding a different one that I could do. I was in demand, so I didn’t expect to have any issues finding something else to do if I needed to.
After that meal, we went again for some drinks, and I’m just trying to forget about the fact that the following early afternoon, I need to get a taxi to the airport in Bangkok and return home. The thought of doing that made me feel awful, and I didn’t want to return to the hotel yet, because the thought of doing that meant I was going to go to sleep, and tomorrow was going to come quicker. So, we stayed out very late that night, and I’m drinking as normal, but she’s not really drinking as much, and I just took it again as the fact that I was leaving and she was so upset about it. And I didn’t think that there was much else to it apart from that.
We returned to the hotel around 2:00 a.m. And that would be, I suppose, the last time in my life when something like that could happen the way it did. But it was a great night. I was happy with her, and I was just planning for the future and thinking what it was like, and I drifted off to sleep.
The Morning After
And I was awoken in the morning by her, packing her things, getting ready. And she looked really upset. She said she had something to tell me. I didn’t know what she was going to say. But she said she’d been thinking really long and hard about things, and she doesn’t think that it’s going to work between us. She said she didn’t want to say anything earlier because she saw how happy I was. But she said I should be able to find somebody else, but she wasn’t the right person for me. I was really shocked when she said that, because we’d spoken about the future so much together. And I quickly said to her, “You are the perfect person for me. I love you, and I want to be with you, and I’m going to make it happen. Whatever I will do, I will make this happen.” But she said it again. She doesn’t think it will work. And she said, “Please don’t try to change my mind, because it’s not going to work. It’s over, and I need to understand that.”
But I did try again. And then she said something. “In 2 days’ time, my boyfriend is coming from his country to Thailand. I have a boyfriend, and I didn’t tell you because I didn’t think things would get this far between us. But I’ve been with him for a very long time, and I have a boyfriend, so we can’t do anything about it.” I started crying a lot when she said that. “What do you mean? You’ve got a boyfriend. Why didn’t you tell me?” She just said she was so sorry, but whatever happens, there’s nothing to change, and we can’t stay together. She told me to go home and get back to my life and live that way, because that’s where you belong. And I can remember just crying uncontrollably and telling her, “No, this can’t be real.” I told her again I was in love with her. I told her I was going to be coming back soon to live with her, and I couldn’t understand why she changed. Why just when she was due to leave?
Again, I tried as she was walking to the door, I stood up, and tried to stop her and said, “Whatever happens, we can’t be together. Go back home. Live your life. I can’t be with you.” And with that, she opened the door and left. And I was stood there crying, not able to stop myself, knowing I can’t chase after her because I’ve got my ticket booked for that evening, knowing I need to get to Bangkok. I have to pack my things and go, and what I expected to be a final farewell “see you soon” had turned into her walking out and leaving, and that was it. I knew I needed to pull myself together, but it wasn’t easy. In fact, it was incredibly hard. I was devastated and heartbroken at the same time, because I didn’t have time to try and chase her, to get her to change her mind. I couldn’t change my ticket again, because I had to go back to work. And regardless of how hard it was, I just started packing my things. I managed to stop crying by now, and I got my bags ready. I went downstairs and got a taxi to take me to the airport in Bangkok, thinking that I can’t believe what happened that morning. It was like my worst nightmare, because I thought I was finally happy. I thought I’d finally found someone that I loved and that I wanted to be with. But it just felt then that perhaps she was just making it up all along. She was, I think, making it up all along, because when she was with me, I’d been helping her with money. I guess I’d probably given her quite a lot. And then to know that she had a boyfriend that was going to be coming and spending time with her, I just felt that perhaps when she saw me, she didn’t feel like she was going to have feelings for me. But she was already committed to her boyfriend, and because of that, there was nothing I could do about it.
The whole taxi ride to the airport was awful. I’m moving further and further away from her. And throughout the whole time together, I never got her contact information, and then I realized I didn’t even know what her real name was. I only knew her nickname, and that wasn’t her real name. So, perhaps I just fell in love with a fantasy of what I thought it was. I think I’d been so lonely for so long and so upset about my life, that I didn’t even think to ask what her full name was. You know, in Thailand, nicknames are commonplace, and those nicknames have nothing to do with real names. And I couldn’t believe that I’d fall in love with someone, and I didn’t even know what she was called. Flying home again was awful. But when I arrived back, I got back into my old life, and I’m back at work the following week. And while she’s still a vivid memory, it wasn’t as bad because I wasn’t in Thailand anymore. I started to get over it the following few days, and I was starting to feel a little off. I just took it down to the plane ride, being in a confined space with lots of people for such a long time. I was thinking about going back to Thailand again and trying again. I was still thinking about moving to Thailand, even though I wouldn’t be moving to be with her.
And over the following few weeks, I’m just getting over the heartbreak of what had happened with her, because you do fall in love, and I fell in love with her. I’m noticing that I’m still not 100% great. And again, I wasn’t drinking now. I was home. I was living a very normal lifestyle like I used to do. And I just tried to concentrate on moving forward with life and deciding what I wanted to do. All I thought about was being in Thailand. I wanted to be there more than anything else.
And after about a month of being back, I actually said to my boss, “What would be the possibility of me not working here anymore, you know, working overseas? Would that be possible?” He shut me down straight away, saying it would be difficult in terms of things such as payroll and taxes and all the things that went along with that. So, unfortunately, it wouldn’t be possible. I asked him, “What about if I could be a contractor and I could do everything like that?” And he just said, “That’s something the company wouldn’t want to entertain at the time.” So, I gave up on it. I knew if I was going to be going back to see her, I would have quit and found something else to do. I had enough savings to last for a long time while looking for something. But that just didn’t seem like the most sensible thing to do, given the fact that I didn’t need to be back in Thailand straight away. So, I just continued on with my job, and I’m still feeling a little off. And this goes on for the next number of weeks, and probably a few months. I didn’t ever think about anything other than the fact that I was just missing her and missing Thailand.
The Wake Up Call
It was when, though, I was reading the news, the Bangkok Post, which I started to read ever since going to Thailand. And there was an article talking about how in Thailand, there had been a slight increase in cases of HIV. And while it wasn’t alarming I mean, the article that is that’s when I completely went into a state of panic. Ever since I’d been with her, I was so in love with her, I felt such strong feelings for her, that I never thought that we needed to use any form of protection, because I thought we were building a relationship, and this was something that I was wanting us to have together. Now, it was like I couldn’t do anything anymore. I couldn’t work. I couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t do anything. I was just in a huge state of panic, like had I just been incredibly stupid? Then I’m thinking about little things that happened when we were together that could increase the likelihood of me potentially being unlucky. Lots of little things that were like, “Oh, what was that about?” Or “What was this?” Not that I ever for a second thought anything like that at the time. But when you do something at a certain time, when certain things are happening trying to keep this as vague as possible it’s not very good. It’s not a very good situation to be in, so let’s leave it at that.
I quickly tried to put all these thoughts away. I wanted to stop thinking about them, and that lasted for a good few more weeks when I was just starting to feel a little bit more normal, just starting to forget about those worries. But I just thought I’d better go and see just to be clear. This was just over 3 months since I’d returned home. It was not the news I wanted it to be. My life changed from that moment. And while it’s controllable and I’m likely to be able to live a normal life without much ill effect thanks to modern medication, it still changed my life in the sense that I don’t know if I will ever be able to meet anybody again because of this. I wouldn’t want to be in a situation where I could cause harm to others. Regarding exactly how it works and potentially because of the medication, this wouldn’t be an issue, but still, it’s something that’s in my mind to the fact that I’m not sure how or what to do.
I didn’t even have her phone number. I don’t think she knew. I honestly don’t think that she knew because nobody would do that on purpose. And she’s talking about seeing her boyfriend, and it’s difficult to think about because it’s still unlucky what happened to me. It is unlucky, but it’s a wake up call. Yet, what were the chances? From everything I’ve researched, it seems that I was just unlucky, but I’m not an expert, so I can’t say. One in a thousand? I don’t know. Unlucky.
But, it changed my life considerably, and also, I completely lost the idea or desire to go back to Thailand ever again. Not because I think this is anything to do with Thailand. It’s just an unlucky incident that could have happened anywhere. But I don’t feel like I would be able to go and meet someone anymore because of this in a way that I would want to meet them. It wouldn’t be the same, and that’s why I don’t want to go to Thailand.
So, if anyone can take anything from this, I would just say be careful. Be careful first and foremost because I loved her more than anything, and I’d only known her for just under 2 weeks. It was the best 2 weeks of my life, but now I’m living with the consequences and will do forever.
So, you can take from this exactly what you want.
