The Thai Massage That Wasn’t Just a Massage
Story One Tiger Bite Drugged Sister and a Double Eye Lift
Back in 2010, after my divorce from my wife of 18 years, I was in a bit of a slump. My sister told me about when she was in Thailand five years before. So with that, I booked and paid for two tickets to Koh Samui and the accommodation for 10 days. I decided to take my sister as she had been looking after me, letting me stay at her place while I got my life back on track.
The Massage That Wasn’t Just a Massage
As soon as I left the aircraft at Koh Samui, I was hit with the heat and the humidity. I booked rooms at the Koh Samui Yacht Club. We arrived about 4:30 p.m., got a taxi, unpacked, and showered as I was already hot and sweaty.
It was about 6 p.m., and my sister dragged me out to expose me to the nightlife. The sights, the smells, the noise, and the people were so wonderful. We jumped into a tuk tuk, my sister doing the bartering. We arrived at the main street of Chaweng, and my sister said, ‘Right, a massage first.’
Until now, I had never had a professional massage. We walked along the street, and my sister was talking and negotiating with different girls on prices and time. Quite frankly, I was rather embarrassed at this as I was calculating the exchange rates in my head and prices were low anyway.
We got a good price for both of us for the hour. So I shuffled into a little cubicle and was told to strip. I was given a piece of towel no bigger than a face cloth. So this very attractive Thai girl comes in and tells me to lay face down. At this stage, I still have my boxers on. She promptly asked me to remove them.
‘What’s going on?’ I think to myself. She tells me, ‘It’s okay,’ in really good English. Then she places a towel over my backside and starts a massage. Oh, what heaven. She had her fingers, thumbs, and elbows into me, and it was great. Then she proceeds to hop on top of the bed and walk up and down my spine, popping it as she went along. It was so good. She was only about 45 kilos in weight, so all good.
The Massage Takes an Unexpected Turn
Feeling satisfied and relaxed, the lady asked me to roll over and face up. I do as I’m asked and cover my manhood with a cloth. She then grabbed me in another area that I did not expect and started to do something I don’t think YouTube will allow me to explain. I said, ‘No. Massage only.’
A few more times she tried to start the special massage, and again I said, ‘No, thank you.’ We finished the massage, and I tipped her 100 Baht. I didn’t know then how much to tip the girls back then, but 100 Baht seemed fair.
The Sister Gets Drugged
After dinner that night, we headed out to a few bars. I must admit I was naive about the bar girls. My sister came over and had a chat with me about how things work in the bars with the girls. I started chatting to this girl called Tum. We played Connect 4, Jackpot, and Jenga. After a while, she asked me if I wanted her to come back with me to my hotel. I thought to myself, ‘Why not? I’m on holiday and I’m now single.’
That night we went to a nightclub the Ice Bar, from memory. There we met some lovely local girls. I bought a few buckets of Mai Tais and danced the early hours away. My sister met a Swiss guy who was buying her drinks. After a few drinks, I could see that my sister looked like she was going to pass out. Something was definitely wrong. My sister is very good at holding her alcohol.
This Swiss guy moves in. ‘I’ll take care of her,’ he tells me. I tell him, ‘No, I’ll take her back to the Yacht Club.’ He tries to take her off my hands. I could see where this was leading. I’m six foot one and at the time about 125 kg, so I towered over him by at least six inches and outweighed him by about 30 kilos. But still, he tried to take her off me. So I was forced to muscle up and told him to push off before I lost my temper.
I got my sister into the tuk tuk and headed back to her room. But by the time we got back, my sister was unconscious. My sister is about 60 kilos, five foot eight tall. I got her out of the tuk tuk, threw her over my shoulder, and walked up to the front desk. Imagine what this looks like: a big Aussie guy with an unconscious woman slung over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.
I asked for both of our room keys and a doctor to be sent to my sister’s room. About 30 minutes later, a doctor arrived. After I sorted out payment, he examined her. My sister had been drugged. It was now 2 a.m. The doctor didn’t want to give her anything in case it reacted with the drug she was given. I was told to keep an eye on her and if she got worse, take her to the hospital.
At about 6 a.m., my sister came around. She couldn’t remember anything, not even going to the bar. I told her what had happened. She was really angry. She wanted to find the Swiss guy and sort him out. My sister has many years of taekwondo under her belt, and she would have taken him on.
The Tiger Attack
On day eight, my sister and I went to see the tigers. They had a baby tiger about six months old on a leash, and people could sit and have photos taken with it. ‘Good, I’ll have my picture taken with it,’ I thought.
So here I am getting my photo taken with a cub when the cub starts getting restless and pulling on its leash. I look over to the guy who brought the cub over to me to try and get his attention. At the same time, the cub bites my face. The bite left a two centimeter L shaped gash under my right eye, and blood was streaming out.
The handler then suddenly started deleting photos of me from the camera he was holding. The manager comes over and has a really intense conversation with the handlers. At this stage, the manager really doesn’t seem to care about my injury. He’s made sure that the photos were deleted and sort of shrugged it off as bad luck.
My sister steps in and tells the manager it is his responsibility. The manager just shakes his head. My sister starts talking to all the witnesses and also starts taking names and addresses. Now the manager is concerned. He decides that he will now take me to the hospital.
The Hospital Eye Lift
At the hospital, the doctor knows next to no English. He gives me a couple of pills to take, and the next thing I know, I’m waking up with the doctor finishing off the stitches. He hands me a mirror. He didn’t just stitch up the L shaped cut. He actually gave me a double lower eye lift.
Now I’m really annoyed. They called over a nurse who spoke English quite well. The doctor said that the zoo had paid for my treatment and he thought I’d look better and younger if he did the eye lift. Well, it’s a bit late. It’s not as if you can sew them back on now, is it?
For the next two days prior to leaving, I looked like I had gone five rounds with Mike Tyson, with stitches under both eyes and my face swollen. I was a real sight. For the next two days, I had drinks at different bars. The girls loved the story of how a tiger bit my face. They were all very sympathetic, sometimes kissing my poor eyes.
Ten days went by so fast. Despite the tiger attack, I had now found my second home. From then on in, I would visit Thailand twice a year, going to Bangkok, Patong, and Pattaya on other trips.
Story Two Phuket 1998 and The Rolling Ladyboy
The Cast of Characters
I was 41 at that time with my friend who I’ll call Giovanni, who was a few years older than me. On his last trip to Phuket, he had fallen in love with a go go dancer and spent a fortune on gold for her. This was despite him having been there at least 20 times before and never doing anything like that. I guess that Cupid could strike any man at any time of his life, and when he does, the object of your desire becomes a goddess and you become her slave.
Giovanni and I left together for Phuket towards the end of 1998. He had told me that a third person I knew nickname Roy Bart would be joining us later but neglected to mention there were another four people who, let’s just say, I wasn’t wildly excited about when I saw who they were.
The other four showed up separately. Two were brothers renowned cheapskates and both sailing enthusiasts who got nicknamed ‘The Skipper’ and ‘The Rear Admiral.’ The older brother had a thing about ladyboys. Then there was a gay guy I’ll call Ralph. The fourth guy I’d never met, but his reputation had preceded him. He was a well-known pain in the butt. I’ll call him Rudy.
Rudy was famous for writing badly written letters to an English language newspaper complaining about the culture of the country he was working in. When Rudy introduced himself to me and Ralph, he said that unlike Giovanni, he was married and didn’t do the bars, and added his self inflated job title. Ralph snapped back, ‘What do you think we do then?’ I warned Ralph after that.
The Rear Admiral’s Ladyboy Incident
Giovanni told me what the Rear Admiral had got up to the night before. He’d got into an argument with a ladyboy about money. Instead of just paying her to go away like any normal person would have done, he had pushed her. She’d done a Jack and Jill by falling backwards, tumbling down a steep hill, and her screams had woken up most of the town. The hillside was littered with rusty cans, broken bottles, and thorn bushes.
Giovanni had told the two brothers over breakfast to get the hell out of town before a posse of ladyboys showed up for revenge because he was paranoid about being targeted through association. The Rear Admiral just doesn’t get it, but the brothers did check out and relocate to an even older and more rundown bungalow resort called ‘Hello My Friend’ up the road.
After hearing that, I made a childish song. But hey, when we lose the child inside us, I believe we lose an important part of ourselves. Everyone will know the tune. I’m not going to sing it, but I’ll recite it:
‘Rolling, rolling, rolling, ladyboy went rolling. Admiral just pushed one down a hill, that ladyboy went rolling. Just like ten pin bowling, but far too little force to make a strike. Get along, carry on, right or wrong, hang a right, hold on tight, on your bike, raw bar.’
Years later, I sent the Admiral that song on Facebook as a joke. He deleted it and blocked me.
Meeting Fern Again
A couple of days later, I had some good fortune at last. I was out jogging when suddenly a girl in a bikini ran up to me. It was Fern from Shark nightclub. She looked good in the light of day. I didn’t recognize her at first because her hair was much shorter and straggly, so I guess she was wearing a wig the night I met her.
We chatted a short while, and I promised to see her later in Shark. This is exactly what I did and was even able to pay a bar fine after midnight. I told her I was staying in an old bungalow which wasn’t very nice. She said we could stay in her room. I liked this idea because I could also escape from the awful guys I was with.
I stayed there five days after checking out of that crappy bungalow resort (which got knocked down the following year). I had caught a bit of a flu but felt so comfortable that I hardly left her place and watched a lot of strange Thai TV dramas which often had ghosts in them. Needless to say, she looked after me in a way that most western men never get to experience.
The Tearful Goodbye
I’d not mentioned money at all, but on the ride to the airport, I gave Fern 20,000 Baht (currently £450, 520 Euros, or $620 USD almost double what it was back then). She burst out crying. She said that was a lot of money for a girl like her. That set me off too. We never kept in touch after that.
Two years later on another visit to Phuket with friends of my own choosing, I ran into Fern in a new nightclub called Tiger on Soi Bangla. She had had a boob job done which was way too top heavy for her small frame. She was with a younger guy but still found time for a brief chat with me. She said she needed another operation to make her bust smaller but didn’t ask me for the money.
She also admitted that after she met me the first time, she had imagined a life with hair extensions, gold bracelets, and nice clothes. She said she was a fool for dreaming that but would always remember me for my kindness. I hope she is now happily married with a nice family and no financial worries.
Story Three The Bill Padding Scam
Five years ago, I went to Thailand on my own for the first time. I had no clue about cons or scams. I arrived late at night around 11 p.m. and was shattered. I decided to have a shower, go downstairs to the local 7 Eleven, and buy some beer to drink in my room.
The first day, I walked along the beach, just relaxing, and heard music I liked coming from an open air bar. So I decided to go in for a beer. As soon as I sat down, I had this young gorgeous girl sit beside me, and as you do, I bought her a couple of ladies’ drinks. She explained I could bar fine her and she could come out of the bar with me to keep me company and show me around. I arranged to go back to that bar later and bar fine her. We got on great, and I bar fined her for the rest of my holiday.
Caught Red Handed
On my second night with her, I was not sleeping and caught her looking through my pockets. I was not stupid and had put all of my money, cards, and phone in the safe in my room when she was using the bathroom. I confronted her and told her to get out. She grabbed onto my leg and started crying. Me being naive back then, I decided to give her one more chance.
Later, I decided to go back to Thailand and had kept in touch with my bar girl called Bong while back home. When I arrived back in Thailand, Bong met me at the airport. Everything was fine until I told her on the third night that I wanted to spend the night alone as I had an upset stomach due to eating some dodgy food.
That night, I was alone in my room. My stomach got better, and I went downstairs and got talking to some Danish guys who were going on a baht bus to Pattaya. He asked if I wanted to join him and his friend, and I said why not. We drank all night, and I got my bill and it was 800 Baht.
In the morning, I started to wonder what was going on. I didn’t know the prices, and to be honest, I hadn’t really checked them. Alarm bells rang. I had been out with these Danish guys and only spent 800 Baht, and I’d had a great night and plenty of beer. When I went to Bong’s bar, I never had much change from 3,000 Baht, and that was for drinks for only the two of us and I was never drunk.
Catching the Bar in the Act
Bong came to my hotel the next day, and that night we went to her bar. I was ready this time. When we played pool, I kept watching the bill pot on my table, and my suspicions were correct. I saw the guy behind the bar put a piece of paper into my bill pot. I said nothing. Went back to the bar, ordered another drink for me and Bong. We played pool again. I kept watching. Lo and behold, I saw one of the barmaids putting a piece of paper in my bill pot.
I still said nothing until I was ready to leave. I went to the bar, and the girl behind the bar picked up my bill pot and went to total it. I think she said it was something like 2,700 Baht. I looked at the slips and said, ‘That’s mine, that’s mine. That’s not mine, that’s not mine.’ They had been padding my bill.
I told her that I am not paying for drinks I never ordered. They are not my bills. My real bill actually came to around 700 Baht. Some Australian guys heard me and asked me what was going on. I showed them the bills. The bar staff said, ‘Sorry, mistake.’ As you know, it was not a mistake, but me being treated as if I was an idiot.
Now I don’t care. I check every bill before I pay now. Plus, I look at my bill pot to make sure it’s not getting pregnant by putting baby bills in it. Bong got her marching orders, and I never went back to that bar. Lesson learned: always keep an eye on your bills.
Peter’s Advice on Bar Bills
Normally, if you’ve got a regular bar you go to, on the first and second occasion, you’re very careful checking the bills. Make sure the waitress sees you check the bills. Normally after the first night of doing that, you don’t have to check them again.
If you’re one of these guys who never looks at the bill pot, they put another bill in it every time you play pool. You never check it at the end. You just say, ‘Check bin. How much is the total?’ They just write the total on the top bill 3,000 Baht and you just pay it. Then they’ll do it every time to you.
Generally speaking, believe it or not, most bars won’t cheat you. Business is tough these days (I’m talking pre pandemic), and if you’re a good customer, they normally want to look after you. You’ll normally find it’s the odd beer bar that does it. I’m sure people will leave comments and say they got bill padded in go go bars. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but generally most bars are now honest because they want to keep your custom.
Some guys say they pay every bill separately. Then you’ll never have a problem. In Thailand, if you’ve not been there before, you don’t pay like in the UK where you buy a drink and pay for it. In Thailand, they keep putting bits of paper in a pot. At the end, they tally up and you get a total.
Some guys say to me, ‘I pay for every bill each time.’ That can be a bit unnecessary you’re always pulling out notes and waiting for your change. I don’t do it. I just keep an eye on what’s going in, and generally I don’t have any problems.
