My First Trip to Thailand and Letting Loose in Pattaya
My life collapsed for the first time on 1 October 2010. I came home from work one day and found that my wife had packed up her things and those of our two children. She told me she was leaving for her mother’s home and wanted a divorce. It came completely out of the blue. The night before, nothing had made me think this was about to happen.
I thought we were happy. I was, anyway. She was simply bored. Until then, I had spent a lot of time thinking about our shared future because I was working hard so we could follow the plans we had made for retirement. Suddenly, everything had changed. The divorce followed.
A month after my wife moved out, I realised that I no longer wanted to stay where I was. I started looking for work outside my country. I was a software engineer, and I still am. Halfway through November, I found a job in Germany. I could not speak a word of German, but the company was very international. I promised my children that I would pay for them to visit me as often as possible.
Looking back, it was a very sudden decision to leave my old life and move to Germany. As soon as I arrived, though, I felt more comfortable and relaxed because nothing around me reminded me of home. I went to work in Munich and immediately liked the city. I had never been to Germany before, so it was different from what I expected.
Moving from one country to another gave me confidence that I would be all right and that the divorce was only a roadblock. It was a very large roadblock, but it was still a roadblock.
My First Trip to Thailand
In June of the following year, a few months later, I had my first holiday from work. I had two weeks booked off and was deciding whether to go home or stay in Germany. I had nowhere to stay in England, and hotels would have been too expensive, so I considered going somewhere completely different. I chose the latter and went on holiday.
I did not want to visit somewhere familiar such as Greece or Italy. I wanted something different. After thinking about it, I decided to go to Thailand. Everything I had heard about the country sounded good, and I felt that a good time was almost guaranteed.
In August 2011, I flew to Bangkok for my first trip to Thailand. The trip opened my mind to what the world could offer. It also led to my life collapsing a second time, and this collapse was much more disastrous. After my divorce, I still had half of what I had worked for. This time, I would have nothing left.
If you are planning to do what I did, I am not saying that everything will go wrong. I am saying that you do not want to do what I did. Do not make the mistakes that I somehow managed to make. This is my story, and you have been warned.
Letting Loose in Pattaya
When I arrived in Thailand, I wanted to let my wild side loose. I had always been conservative and never felt comfortable showing excitement or happiness. If I went to a club or a bar, I would see people dancing, singing, and acting as if they were the only people in the room. I was the exact opposite. I was reserved and shy.
I thought Thailand might let me become the person I had always felt I was but had never been able to show. I was far from home and from everyone I knew, so I promised myself that I would let loose and relax.
After two days in Bangkok, where I felt uncomfortable in a large city, I went to Phuket. I liked the beaches, scenery, and friendly people, but the island was packed with tourists. I did not feel that I was anywhere very different from the places I had visited in Europe.
After four days in Phuket, I went to Pattaya. It was also full of tourists, including me, but it felt different. Pattaya seemed set up for a man like me, while Phuket felt more suitable for couples and families. Pattaya was a shock. My holiday changed from a great time into the best time I had ever had.
I knew that from the day I arrived. My hotel was on Beach Road, and on the drive there I saw what looked like a normal city filled with things that were not normal at all. There were massage shops, bars, unusual streets, restaurants for every taste, and all the girls I noticed in the bars.
I had enjoyed the nightlife in Bangkok and Phuket, but Pattaya seemed perfectly designed for it. It felt as if the city was saying, “You’ve been screwed over at home. Things haven’t gone well for you. You’re a man. You want to have a good time. This place is for you. So come and enjoy it.”
Having the Time of My Life
I spent the rest of my holiday in Pattaya having the time of my life. People often use that phrase to mean that something was very good, but I mean it literally. The time I spent with my children was different and irreplaceable. I am talking about the things I did by myself. Nothing I had done alone came close to the time I had in Pattaya.
My Naive View of Bar Girls
I was not well versed in the reality of Thailand or what it meant to meet a girl in a bar. On my first night, I met a girl who was much younger than me. I saw her working in the bar, but I assumed she was not there simply to make money. I thought she was there to meet someone who could help her leave the bar and build a more dignified life.
I had always believed that women who worked in bars hated it. Perhaps some did, but I would learn too late that many did not behave as I expected. I imagined that they had no self respect or moral compass. I also thought they enjoyed being paid to drink while I had to pay to drink.
Some people might call me naive, but I thought every girl in a bar dreamed of leaving quickly and finding someone to be with. I also believed Thailand was a traditional country where girls were girls and men were men. I now understand that I had a very warped idea of what traditional meant.
I was afraid of meeting someone like my ex wife, building a life and family together, and then discovering that she was unhappy and could leave while taking much of what I owned. I thought Thai women would be more respectful towards men like me. I had it exactly the wrong way round.
Meeting Mint, My Dream Girl
On my second to last day in Pattaya, I met a girl. I had met a few women since arriving, but this one felt like finding a needle in a haystack. She was 23 years old and called Mint. She had a beautiful lip ring, stretched earrings, and tattoos covering one arm. She looked like my dream girl when I was in my late teens, like an emo girl.
I had grown up in a similar world, although emo was not really a thing when I was young. I had no piercings or tattoos, but my dream girl always did. When I saw Mint walking up Soi 6, she looked like the Thai version of the girl I had always imagined. It felt as if she had been placed in front of me as a reward.
I was 54, and I knew how it sounded when I considered that she was 31 years younger. I told myself that we were bringing together two worlds, two cultures, and two ways of understanding life.
I had only two nights with her, but after the first night I decided that I wanted her in my life. I had to return to work in Germany, and I did not know how I could take her with me. Getting a visa seemed almost impossible.
I told her that I wanted her to stop working in the bar and that I wanted us to find a way to be together. Her reaction made me think she was delighted. She said she had never met anyone like me and that she would love to leave the bar if I could help.
Perhaps she was only going through the motions because she had heard the same promises many times. I told her, “I’m prepared to give you €1,000. You can go up to your family for a month and let me try to work something out. Would you be prepared to do that?” She agreed. I gave her the money in baht and went with her to the bus station before my flight. I sent her to her village after knowing her for two days.
The EU Loophole
Flying back to Germany was torture. As soon as I landed, I called her. She did not speak great English, but she seemed to know exactly what to say in broken English. She made me feel that I was the man she had been waiting for, someone who could take care of her, remove her from the bar, and give her the life she had always dreamed of.
Today, I often wonder how many men she had said that to. At the time, though, I discovered what I thought was a fortunate loophole. I was from the UK, and the UK was still a member of the EU. Because I lived in Germany, I believed I could use EU rules rather than Germany’s normal national rules to bring her to live with me.
I understood it to mean that she had a right to join me and that the visa would be free. In essence, that was how I thought it worked. I was thrilled that she could come to Germany without the usual questions.
On the second day, I told her, “I’d love for you to come and live in Germany with me, and I’ll come back to Thailand to help you. It should only take a few weeks.” She said she would love to move with me. Before we ended the call, she said, “I love you. I never feel like I love anyone before like I love you. Thank you so much. I would love to go and live in Germany with you.”
I would not say that I loved her yet, but I was smitten. I was also the sort of person who had to have what he wanted, and I wanted her. I had found what I thought was an insane loophole that would make it easy.
Getting Married
When I asked whether she would marry me, I was rushing ahead and moving far too quickly. I could not see another option. She said she would love to marry me when I returned to Thailand.
I am not trying to sound clever. I felt clever for discovering the loophole, but I was not clever to enter such a serious relationship so quickly. The alternative seemed to be forgetting her, and at that moment it felt like the worst thing in the world.
After three weeks back in Germany, I returned to Thailand to marry her and arrange her move. I had all the letters I needed. She met me at Bangkok airport, and I picked her out of the crowd immediately. She stood out in a breathtaking way.
She smiled and rushed towards me, saying, “I can’t believe you came. I can’t believe it. I’m so happy.” To me, that felt like confirmation that I was doing the right thing. Three days later, we were married in Bangkok.
I followed the immigration lawyer’s instructions exactly and submitted the application two days after the wedding. It took three weeks for the visa to arrive, and then she had it. Those weeks together seemed to confirm that we were making the best decision.
My ex wife had never been as affectionate. My new wife seemed to be my dream girl, as if she had stepped out of my imagination and appeared in front of me.
The Visa and the Flight to Germany
I know how ridiculous this looks in hindsight. I moved so quickly because I had found a little loophole that made everything seem possible. I clung to it instead of stepping back and asking whether the marriage was a good idea.
After the visa was approved, I bought her clothes that were more suitable for Germany, and we flew there together. As soon as the plane took off, I felt even more excited because everything had worked. I was newly married, and she was going to live with me. I could not have been happier.
Life in Germany
After the divorce, everything had been divided equally. I was still paying child support, but I had approximately $230,000. Our life in Germany was temporary because we both wanted to move to Thailand eventually.
Having her with me was fantastic. Neither of us could speak German, which made things interesting. I returned to work, while she stayed at home. When I was not working, we spent all our time together. The first three months of married life were incredible.
By early 2013, my job was going well, I was earning a good salary, and the child support payments would soon end. My wife said she wanted to return to Thailand for a holiday, so I booked two weeks off for a few months later.
I thought my life was perfect. I may have overlooked signs that were in front of me, such as her frequent phone calls to Thailand and the distant way she sometimes seemed. I did not want to believe anything was wrong, and the possibility never entered my mind.
Visiting Her Village in Loei
Returning to Thailand made me realise that it could give me the retirement I wanted. We had married quickly before moving to Germany, so I had never met her family or taken part in a ceremony there. She came from Loei, a place I had never heard of until I looked it up on a map.
We rented a car in Bangkok and drove to the village. I could see how happy my wife was when she saw her son and family again. Everyone was pleased to meet me, and the village wedding was planned for two days later.
The place was very different from the other parts of Thailand I had seen, and I liked that. It was peaceful, quiet, and much more affordable. A beer cost about 60 baht at 7 Eleven or 65 to 70 baht at a local restaurant, and good food cost very little.
I thought I would need about $2,500 a month to live in Pattaya, but perhaps $1,500 would be enough in the village. That made retirement seem closer. My wife loved the village, and we discussed moving there in the future.
The Retirement Plan
I returned to work, and my wife did not complain about Germany. Still, I could tell that she would rather be in Thailand. I felt the same. When my child support payments ended, I realised that I would soon be 60 and she would soon be 30. I wanted to stop working as soon as possible.
We kept returning to the idea of living in her village because it was affordable. We could buy a house, perhaps a little land for a garden, and maybe a condo in Pattaya. I thought we would need only 50,000 baht a month.
I was also sending money to her family because she could not support her child. I was happy to help. Once I calculated everything, I thought I could retire to Thailand with my wife within three years.
I planned to spend about $100,000 on a house, $100,000 on a condo, and $30,000 on a car. I expected to need another $150,000 to provide income. We could still visit Thailand twice a year while saving, and I felt that the dream was already decided.
Buying Land and Building the House
During the next year, I was very happy and thought my wife was happy too. We had agreed that on our next trip we would look for land, begin the house, and view condos so that everything would be ready when we moved.
We went to Pattaya first and decided it would be the best place for a getaway condo. Then we spent a week in the village. I loved both places, and the thought of having the best of both worlds in a few years was exciting.
We found an idyllic plot of about 1,000 square metres. Jungle bordered one side, water bordered another, and a small road bordered a third. Only one side adjoined another property. I felt we had to have the land. It cost about $15,000.
I transferred the money to my wife’s Thai account because I did not have one. We completed the purchase in her name, and I felt one step closer to our dream retirement. Everything seemed to be going according to plan.
Starting the House Build
The following holiday was probably our last before moving permanently. We had planned only to enjoy ourselves, but my wife began talking about building the house immediately. We were only a year from moving, and she said she would feel better if it were ready when we arrived.
We spoke to several builders, received quotes, and chose one. Because the land had cost $15,000, I expected the house to cost $85,000, making the total $100,000. We returned to Germany, and I sent the first payment.
We were counting down the days until we could move to Thailand. At that point, everything still looked good.
Things Start to Go Wrong
About four months later, I had sent several more payments, but problems had appeared with the house. It was difficult to manage the work from Germany. I should probably have retired early with less money so I could stay in control, but my wife went to Thailand first to make sure everything was progressing properly.
When she arrived, we saw photographs of the building. It was nowhere near as finished as we had believed. I had paid half the money, but the builder had moved to another house. I seemed to have paid for half a house and received only about 35 percent of it.
Three months later, the house was finally ready, although it still needed furniture. It was $30,000 over budget, which was a nightmare. I decided that we could buy a cheaper condo in Pattaya instead.
I sent my wife $25,000 for furniture and $30,000 for the car we had chosen. The total came to about $185,000, of which $30,000 was over budget. I still had five or six months of work left, and I was excited to retire.
We had the house, the car, and a remaining budget for a condo. I was very close to the wire. There was no margin for error. An unexpected expense of even $5,000 could have made our income insufficient.
The Collapse
This was when things collapsed catastrophically. The speed of it made me realise that I had based everything on my own ideas instead of remembering that I had married a woman more than 30 years younger who had her own feelings, opinions, and plans.
I had assumed that women in bars hated the work and looked up to men like me because we were more fortunate. I thought my wife was completely aligned with our plans because she had never given me a reason to think otherwise. I believed she loved me as much as I loved her. I would have bet my life on it. I suppose I did bet my life on it.
By then, I had spent about half of everything I owned. I did not worry that the house and car belonged to my wife. I thought our marriage made that safe.
After the house was finished and I had sent money for the car and furniture, my wife told me she was having a small party with friends in the village. I thought that sounded nice. I did not expect her to return to her former partner, the father of her child, and leave me.
The next day, she told me that she had made a serious mistake by asking me to build the house. She had expected to be happy and had looked forward to my arrival, but now she wanted to stay with her child’s father. I laughed because I thought she was joking, but she was completely serious.
She said that seeing her child happy at the party had changed her feelings. Looking back, I think that may have been her plan all along.
The Breakup and Threats
What she said tore me apart. I asked, “What are you talking about? What are you talking about? I’ve just sent all that money for the house. I’m going to be moving here in 6 months and I’m going to be living together with you. It’s all planned. We’ve been staying together for so long.” She only replied, “No, I’m sorry.”
I started shouting, so she ended the call. I called repeatedly, and she eventually answered and asked me not to be angry. I was furious, and she hung up again. After trying several more times, I calmed down enough for us to speak.
She said she understood that I had spent money on the house, but we were married and it was half of everything anyway. She said that if we divorced, she would receive half. I assumed she had researched that online.
Then she said the worst thing of all. She told me that if I went to Thailand, she would call the police and say that I had abused her and that she was afraid of me. She said, “I’m Thai and you’re not, and I don’t want to have any more problems, but I don’t want to stay with you anymore and there’s nothing that you can do about it to make me change my mind.” Then she hung up.
I kept calling until I finally stopped after about 20 attempts. That was when it hit me. I had put $180,000 into a house and car in my wife’s name and discovered that she no longer wanted to be with me.
My life collapsed for the second time. I continued trying to contact her for weeks and months, and I spoke to a lawyer in Thailand. The lawyer told me that I had no practical rights. It was over, and there was nothing I could do. I fell apart.
The Aftermath
My dream girl had not been my dream girl at all. She had matched every detail of the image I had created, so I could not imagine her acting in a way that contradicted it. I lost the money, and retirement was much further away.
It took about a year to recover. I carried on working even though I was unhappy, and I told my children only that we had decided not to stay together because it was too difficult. I did not tell them that I had lost the money.
When I began to feel better, I realised that I could work abroad online because software engineering was in demand. I quit my job in Germany, stayed away from Thailand, and moved to Cambodia because I wanted somewhere that felt as close to Thailand as possible.
I found online work and continued earning good money well into my 60s. I also met someone in Cambodia, and we are still together. The relationship is much more age appropriate, and I am now close to being able to stop working.
What happened took six or seven years from my life. With my first wife, I thought retirement was only a few years away. With my second wife, I thought I was three years away. I am still working because I chose to involve my life with other people’s lives, which is what people do, even when it is not always wise.
I am fortunate to live in Cambodia and to do work that I can do. Still, having my life collapse twice because of other people’s actions nearly finished me both times.
My Advice
My advice is simple. Someone can look exactly like your perfect dream girl, but that does not mean her mind, intentions, and actions will match her appearance. Do not invest money in someone else’s name, even if you believe that person is your dream girl. You cannot guarantee that they will put your interests first.
That was my biggest mistake. I assumed that I was at the centre of her thoughts and that making me happy mattered to her as much as making her happy mattered to me. I got it all wrong.
I wish I had never walked past her bar on Soi 6 in Pattaya. If I had not, I might be retired now, and I might have retired many years ago.
