How I Lost Everything After Falling in Love in Thailand

A Life of Missed Opportunities

I didn’t even know it was possible to sink to such lows, but here I am anyway. Life never really treated me right. All my 20s and my 30s were spent feeling so out of place, feeling like there was nothing I could do to be in a position that I wanted to be in. I tried my best with a few relationships during that time, but nothing really stuck.

I don’t know if it was my lack of confidence. I don’t really know if it was because I had unreasonable expectations. I don’t think I did, but nothing really happened for me and life just passed by and I’m working and not saving anything. By the time I turned 40, I probably had one month living expenses inside my bank, knowing that I couldn’t really do anything because I was trapped in the never-ending spiral of working and paying just to be able to live.

That continued until I reached 50 in 2011. I’d managed to save up a little bit more money, but it wasn’t a lot. I guess I had £10,000 and that was it at 50 years old for a lifetime of work. That’s when you get to the point where you feel like everything was for nothing. I hardly ever went on any holidays because I couldn’t afford it.

When I did, I didn’t go very far. Benidorm in Spain was one of the places I went to most. And it was always a great feeling to be able to get away, get away from my life, even though it was only for 2 weeks. Probably only every 3 years, too. I had promised myself that whatever happened when I turned 50, I would allow myself a whole month going anywhere I wanted to go.

I even planned to use all my savings for that time away just to try to imagine what life would have been like if I’d been luckier. I never thought that I was someone who was stupid and not able to achieve great things. But I always found, and I know it’s the same for so many people, that the constant struggle to survive takes up so much of your energy that you’re not able to actually concentrate on doing something big.

I always thought that I would get to the point and I expected to get to the point in my 30s where I had enough invested to be able to provide for my life just the basics and then when the basics were covered I could dedicate and focus my whole attention on doing something for myself. I had so many ideas so many things that could have worked but I was too consumed just working to be able to live.

When I hit 50, I’d come to the conclusion that the world was designed like this on purpose. That things were meant to be getting harder for people like me, so that there was always a never-ending supply of people to do the most menial jobs. If people had the ability to reach their full potential because they weren’t having to suffer through spending a huge portion of their day earning money just to live, then many people would be able to achieve great things. In turn, that would mean that there wouldn’t be anybody there to work the jobs that they want us to work. And I fell into that trap and just accepted it instead of taking risk.

That was the thing I never did. I never took risk. I wanted everything to be safe. Safety first, then do what I want to do without risk. But it didn’t work like that. Pointless to say, I know, but I just want to tell you how I felt at that moment in my life. How my life had turned out and how it made me come to these opinions. If I was young again, I would take risk. I would take a step back and be willing to risk everything because not taking risks meant that by 50, all I had was £10,000 and a head full of regret.

I did own my house, but that had a huge mortgage on it. Maybe I had equity about £5,000 in it. That’s it. And the house itself was worth about 60,000. It was in a part of town that people I grew up with used to turn their noses at, saying, “How could you live there?” Because it’s changed. An influx of people coming in from other places and how much it’s not the same.

I just thought it was a house and it was somewhere that I could get onto the property ladder. I was told that was supposed to be doing. I didn’t understand though that the very idea of the property ladder was also something to trap me. The idea I think of property ownership, while sounding good on the surface, means that we’re stuck in one location. It means that if we have a big mortgage, we’re committed to paying for it. Therefore, we’re committed to continue doing the jobs that I didn’t want to do. I wondered when I would ever pay that mortgage off. It didn’t seem like I’d ever get there. Aside from that, I owned nothing.

Planning the Trip of a Lifetime

But I spent a few months before my 50th birthday deciding where I wanted to go. I had a month. I had £10,000 to spend. And I didn’t care that I could have used that to pay down the mortgage of my house because there still would have been a long way to go. I didn’t care about anything apart from just having a month to imagine what life would have been like if I hadn’t done what I thought I was meant to do.

I don’t know where I want to go, though. At the time, I didn’t know where any of the countries were. I knew I didn’t want to go to any countries in Europe because on the surface things are different, yet deep down it’s the same kind of thing as a home, although bottled in a different way. I didn’t want to go to North America or Australia. So, I started thinking about somewhere in South America or Asia.

How I decided on Thailand was purely by coincidence. I went into a travel agency in my town and said, “I want to go somewhere great, safe, cheap, warm weather, and exciting.” They said, “Thailand” straight away. I told them I was going to be going for a month, and I made a big mistake right there in the travel agency. Instead of just booking the flights and deciding where I was going to stay when I got there, which I should have done, they had me booking hotels through them and the flights. And I suppose that was a mistake. only cheap hotels, £30 a night approximately. And they also had me paying for a week in Bangkok, in Phuket, Pattaya, and then another week back in Bangkok. They said that would be the best way to see most of the country.

I didn’t know anything about Thailand. I didn’t know anything about Asia. I just knew that I wanted to go somewhere that was different to where I was from. I left that travel agency having paid for everything. I’d spent £2,000. That was out of my 10,000. I still had 8,000 left, thinking that’s more than enough money. In fact, I thought it was too much money. So, I felt great in the knowledge that I would be able to do anything I wanted to do when I got there.

After I arranged that, I still had 3 months of work before it was time to go. I booked it for the month of November 2011 and the 3 months that followed waiting to go. I didn’t do any research about Thailand. I didn’t think about it anymore. Apart from that, I was excited to go. I was going to be celebrating my 50th birthday when I was there. Although I had already turned 50 before I would get there, it meant was meant to be a celebration.

I was a guy who had gone no further than Spain. In fact, I hadn’t been anywhere other than Spain. So, when it was a few days before going, I was starting to get cold feet, thinking perhaps it’s a bit too extreme for somebody like me. Perhaps I’m not adventurous enough. And perhaps I should pull myself together and just understand that I would never be able to be the person who just jets off around the world and does what he wants when he wants. Just the usual pre-adventure feelings.

I think I wasn’t really going to not go and I didn’t really have anyone to tell that I was going. I’d already lost both my parents. I didn’t have any siblings and I grew apart from the friends I had when I was younger and just spent most of my time alone. Would go to the pub occasionally and chat to guys there that I was acquainted with. But it never really felt like a real friendship. So I didn’t have any connections and not having any connections should have been something that gave me the confidence to do what I was going to do travel somewhere like Thailand many years before this.

At this moment though, at 50 years old, I don’t really have any opinions that I hold today. I was still thinking that I was doing what I was meant to be doing. I was still thinking that this is how everyone lived and just got on with it. I didn’t know that there was a different world out there. I didn’t know that people, and I even met a guy from my hometown when I was in Thailand who lived there. I didn’t know people did things like that. Of course, that’s a lie. I knew people did things like that, but I didn’t know people from somewhere like I was from from a similar background from me. I didn’t know they did things like this. I didn’t know it was open for people like me. So, I was just a guy going on holiday, not knowing what to expect.

Arriving in Thailand: A Pleasant Surprise

I set off to the airport. I got the train down to London. I was a bag of nerves. I didn’t pack properly either. I had a huge suitcase with loads of clothes inside that probably weighed 30 kilos. And I actually paid extra for that thinking I would need it. This huge bag, lugging it onto the train. I also had a backpack and all kinds of things in there. I thought I would need. I took loads of medication. I thought I might need that if I got unwell.

I was really green on how things worked, thinking I was going to some kind of third world place where if you’re not careful, you could get sick. I was expecting to see rubbish strewn all over the streets. Expecting to see people sleeping on the streets. expecting to see people trying to rob me when I walked the streets, talk about being misinformed. I was misinformed.

Part of me thinks that how people talk about Thailand at home, joking about lots of things that go on in Thailand. Part of me thinks now that people say like that because they don’t know the truth or something like this is implanted into people so they don’t have these preconceived ideas about the country before even going putting them off from going because if they do go maybe they would leave the workforce at home and go and seek something else. Perhaps that was the reason because when I arrived in Thailand immediately thinking why is this airport so much more modern than the one I left behind? Why is it so shiny, so clean? Why are the staff so efficient and quick? And why is my bag waiting for me when I made it through immigration as opposed to me having to wait an hour for it? It was a great first impression to Thailand.

I felt very uncomfortable to start with when I handed my passport over to the immigration staff, thinking that they were going to try and plant something on me. I still had those stupid ideas, but they smiled. Welcome to Thailand, they said. They even stamped me into the country and that gave me a huge relief because I felt like I’d made it without any concerns and my bag was there. I only got off the plane half an hour before this and it was there waiting. How many times I can remember when I’ve arrived home from Spain, you get off the plane and you’re there waiting for your bag and an hour later it’s still not arrived. That was something that made me take a step back and think this is not like I thought it was. This is nothing like what people say Thailand is. This is the exact opposite. It makes my country look like a joke.

That really gave me a sense of comfort, the airport experience. And I made my way through customs again, worrying that they were going to check my bags and find something that I shouldn’t have, even though I knew I didn’t have anything. The guy just smiled at me and I walked through. So friendly, a really nice guy. I mean, everyone that I met at the airport was really nice and welcoming and accommodating.

And all those documentaries you saw, which I’d seen a few of, people being stopped at the airport and thrown in jail for all their life. Perhaps that was because they did something wrong. And people who don’t do anything wrong are going to be treated with respect, maybe. But it doesn’t feel that way, does it, when you’re watching them. It feels like they’re designed to put fear in your mind because they know that that part of the world is going to overtake us. So, there has to be something to limit people going there. Again, I’m not thinking this at that moment in time, but these are the opinions that I start to get the longer I stayed there.

Being new to Thailand, I didn’t know anything about how to get to my hotel. I didn’t know about the public taxis, and there was just a sign inside the airport when you walk in saying taxis. I think this was the airport one, so I paid more than I should have, not knowing later. But it didn’t matter because I was there on holiday, and I wasn’t someone who thought he knew everything about Thailand. I gave them the name of my hotel. It was in a location completely out of the main area, at least for somebody like me. I didn’t know this at the time, and he drops me off at the hotel, an hour to get there. Probably one of the best hours I’d had in my life up until that point because I’m seeing all these new things out of the window like I’ve never seen before. It looks so modern. It looks so vibrant. It looks so bright in a way. when you’re leaving England and it’s gray and miserable and it makes you feel depressed. But here it had this vibrancy about it that made you feel excited like anything was possible.

The First Nights: Khao San Road and Finding the Real Nightlife

I heard about the nightlife and that was one of the things I was interested in checking out. But when I found out that the most famous nightlife places are quite a long way away from my hotel. Big mistake. The travel agency had booked me a week in this hotel close to Khao San Road. Very popular with the younger crowd. And that first night while I walked down that street and took everything in, it was an overload on the sensors, it didn’t seem to me like it was expecting it to be. Where were the bars like I’d heard about? Again, I hadn’t seen anything about Thailand or done any research about Thailand, but you’ll hear from people who have been to Thailand about these famous bars and the famous nightlife. But well, this appeared to be crazy and exciting. It didn’t seem to match the descriptions I’d heard about. So, I would decided I would go back to my hotel.

This was after I’d spent a few hours enjoying myself on Khao San Road, and I asked them, “Where is the most famous nightlife place?” They told me where it was, said it might take an hour to get there in a taxi, depending on traffic, probably quicker, but it could be worse. And because we were already at 9:00 p.m., I just decided to call it a night and go and have a look the following day.

The travel agency had tried to sell me excursions and trips and all kinds of things to occupy my days when I was in Thailand. Thankfully, I’d declined. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do those things. It’s just that they seemed quite expensive for what they were. That’s when you realized that the same things are available to buy in Thailand for a fraction of the cost, a fraction of what they were trying to sell it for. But when I woke up the following morning, I had no idea what I wanted to do. What was there to do in Thailand? I just felt like a tourist. I was a tourist.

So, again, I just asked the hotel, “What’s the most famous thing to do around here? They mentioned the Grand Palace, River Cruise, Floating Market. Because it was quite early in the morning, I asked if they could arrange something for me. There was a tour company adjoining the hotel, so I went to speak to them, and I paid for this day out doing lots of the sites of Bangkok, and someone came to pick me up in a van around 10:00 a.m., which was already nearly full of other people. I spent the day checking out these famous sites, and while they were different and interesting, and it was fun, it was quite underwhelming, really. I just felt like a guy who was completely out of sync with the other tourists that were there. I felt like I was just another number to add to that tour company’s client list.

I thought the following day I would just get a map and walk around the city by myself. Because what I wasn’t expecting to feel when I was in Thailand was this incredible sense of safety. I had visions of arriving and going for a walk and feeling uncomfortable and scared that someone was going to do something to me. But the exact opposite was true. I felt so comfortable and so safe that I didn’t know how I thought otherwise because I shouldn’t have done.

It was interesting to see those places, but when we returned back, it was 5:00 p.m. and I remembered where they told me the nightlife area was. I got a taxi there and that’s when my life changed.

The taxi dropped me off on a street called Sukhumvit Soi 4. When I got out of the taxi, and I’m not trying to exaggerate or sound over the top, but that was the most excited I’d ever felt. They dropped me right at the start of the street, and there were bars lining the street on the left hand side, a hotel on the right, and all these girls absolutely everywhere lining the bars lining the streets. And I didn’t know how to handle myself. I only planned to go and have some beers, planned to enjoy myself. But now it’s like, you’re telling me that something like this exists in the world and I’m living where I’m living, working that stupid job, and this exists. Why did I not know that it was like this?

Again, I pictured getting there and feeling uncomfortable, feeling unsafe, like someone was going to pickpocket me or someone was going to attack me. But I felt the exact opposite of that. I would learn later that you had to be careful of very few people trying to pickpocket you, but that was only a very marginal amount. Probably not even Thai people as well. It never happened to me or anyone I spoke to, but it was very occasionally, but not common.

I walked into the first bar, I had a beer, and before I know it, two girls are talking to me. I was too shy to say anything. I just wanted to have a beer. So, I had that and walked into another bar, then the next one. And then I noticed a big left turn and a huge sign above it saying Nana Plaza. This seemed to be a three-storied bar complex in a U-shaped turn and a few bars downstairs in the middle. All the lights around and all the girls standing around. It was over stimulation. There was something going on in every direction and I was in awe.

I walked into the first bar that was downstairs in the middle. Had my fourth beer there and I’m starting to get a bit fresh. Then I walked up the steps to this bar and that was my first time going in a bar where there were girls on stage. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I had a few beers in there and moved on to the next place.

And then I made a bit of a school boy error because I went into one bar and I’m sitting down like I did in all the other ones already a bit drunk. I didn’t know it was a ladyboy bar. I thought all these girls, they look like girls. They’re beautiful. Then her ladyboy comes, sits next to me, and grabs my hand and puts it in a certain location on her body. And I had the fright of my life because that wasn’t what I was expecting. I managed to compose myself, laugh it off, saying, “I’m not really interested. Thank you.” And I paid for the beer and left quickly. I kept turning my head back and looking at those girls because they looked like girls. Some of them, you could tell, but there was a few, and it was difficult, and I was just pumping. I was full of adrenaline. It was incredible.

I continued walking down the street, going in more bars, and it was, and I’m not saying this to try and exaggerate, but it was the best night of my life. The thing was, it hadn’t even ended yet.

After being in a few more bars just after Nana Plaza, I noticed there was a left turning. There seemed to be cars driving down there, and we’re probably only on 10 p.m. And I’m looking at my watch, and this is no hint of a lie. I’m saying please can I just make time stand still and can I be here and then forever and then time never needs to start. That’s what I was thinking because I was so happy.

I looked further up Soi 4 and there seemed to be lights in the distance but I saw a place at the end of the left turning that seemed to be a bit brighter. So I walked down there. There were a few bars on the right and then I noticed some kind of place that seemed to be a hotel but I would learn later it was actually a condominium building. a condominium building that meant people lived there. Then you’re thinking people live there. That’s crazy to actually imagine.

But after you walk down there and there was a little bit of a cut through to a street called Soi 8. I didn’t know the names at the time. That would come later. But you do that little cut through and then on the right as you’re walking towards the street, there was this small place with loads of girls outside. I didn’t know what it was. Thought it was a bar. And I was feeling very happy with myself, fresh from the drink. So, I let a girl take me inside. It was an experience. I think that’s probably all I can say. But you’ll probably know if you’ve been there what happens in that place. You’re going from the direction of Soi 4. Do the cut through towards Soi 8. That means it’s on your right. If you were going in the other direction, it would be on your left. And I did everything that you do in there. Walking out in a state of shock and also thinking that this was so amazing.

Even thinking about home made me realize that this was only temporary and it was upsetting. The reason I’m trying to say this and try to explain how I felt when I was there for that first night in the main nightlife area of Bangkok. The reason why this is so important to me is because it was from that night that I started to build the idea that I’m not meant to be living where I’m from. I’m meant to be living in Thailand.

I did find though that on Soi 8 things were nowhere near as extreme as the previous street. I hadn’t even heard of Soi Cowboy yet. But after looking up and down Soi 8, I knew which direction I’d come from. So I made my way up the big road, took a right, and started walking in that direction. I was amazed by the fact that right next to all these bars there were normal businesses. It wasn’t hidden. It wasn’t out of the way. It was so unapologetic. And I think that made it even better because it wasn’t like you had to be in the know as to where to go. It was just like it was there and it was great.

I continued walking up. I noticed a place on the right which seemed to have lots of Korean places. Continued walking. Then you get to a big intersection and you see a huge sign to your left on the other side of the road. Soi Cowboy. Thought I would go and have a look and I’m glad I did cuz it was just more of the same. I went into three bars on that street and by midnight I was overpaying for a taxi back to my hotel thinking that I found the place that I belong.

That’s how Thailand began for me that night, my second night in the country and I’m thinking there are so many hotels close by to there. Why did I have this hotel in what I considered to be the complete wrong part of the city? Then I’m thinking, well, I’ve already booked hotels in different cities. I wish I hadn’t because I wasn’t yet ready to not go and use those hotels because I’d already paid for them.

Pattaya: A City on Steroids

I was starting to think about it. That first night in the nightlife area, so many girls had spoken to me. So many girls had remarked that I was handsome. I knew they might be slightly exaggerating, but it wasn’t like they were just there for your money. It was like they seemed to be happy. They weren’t girls like the girls doing the same thing at home. If you say they are, that means you’ve never been. They’re not. It’s so different.

Knowing that those girls were available, that made me feel that maybe I will actually meet someone who I like, who I feel likes me too. I wasn’t thinking about going into a bar and meeting a girl and having a casual kind of thing. I mean, that place and that cut through between those two streets. Like I said, that was a bit different and not expected, but I wasn’t expecting to have any kind of quick thing. I wanted actually to like someone, and if it happened, then who knows?

I met a girl that I really liked the next night, but she didn’t seem to like me. Although I spent time with her, it was very one-sided. I think that she wasn’t interested in me. And I continued enjoying Bangkok, dreading the day when I had to go to Phuket because I didn’t know what to expect when I was there, hoping that my hotel was in a more suitable location. When I had to leave Bangkok, I think I had two girlfriends during that time. Each time I fell in love with them, but I didn’t feel anything back in return, so I knew that was something that I couldn’t progress with. But it hurt when I went to Phuket.

I didn’t know what to expect when I got there. And while it was beautiful and the beaches were great, and they had a small street, which was fun, it wasn’t as wild as Bangkok, and I kind of felt like it would have been better if you were there with a girlfriend or a wife. I had a fun week, though. I did go to the bars every night and I actually rented a motorcycle to do some touring. After I did the first day trip in Bangkok, I hadn’t done anything like that. I’d walked around and just done things myself. Everything felt so pointless when the nightlife was available. Who needs to see a temple when they have the bars?

I had to fly from Phuket back to Bangkok before arranging transport to go to Pattaya where I was going next. And I loved Pattaya even more than Bangkok. I wasn’t expecting that to happen. I didn’t even think it would be possible, but it was. It was the best place I’d ever been. At this point, I’ve been in Thailand for 2 weeks. I know that I have 2 weeks left, but I’m starting to dread the thought of going back home.

I was dropped off by the taxi in Pattaya. Luckily, the hotel there was in a location within walking distance to many of the famous places. The only way I could describe it was like Bangkok on steroids, in terms of the nightlife, that is. And I was just amazed about how fantastic it was and how much I loved being there.

My first night in Pattaya, I don’t know if I should describe that because I could go on about it for hours. I’ll just give you a brief rundown. You have to think about it that this is the only way I can be in Thailand is by thinking about it and reliving it and wishing I was there. But that first night, my hotel was close to Walking Street. I walked down there going in a few bars and I found things cheaper in Pattaya than Bangkok. The girls were equally as gorgeous and I walked towards Beach Road. That was the direction I went in. My hotel was a little bit behind the walking street. When I made it to Beach Road, I crossed to the other side and just continued walking. So many streets where you could turn your head to the right and see everything that was going on there. And I walked into a few bars on some of those streets and just continued further. There was a complex right on the road and I had more drinks in there. I’m talking to the girls all the time, buying drinks for them, but nothing else. And I continue even further until I get to a street called Soi 7. I turned right and started walking up there and went into a little bar that was on the left only 30 seconds after turning onto the street.

Meeting Her: The One Who Changed Everything

I went in for a beer. A girl comes over to talk to me and I get her a drink and she was sublime. 28 years old and just sublime. She smiled so much. She seemed to be so happy and bubbly, and I was liking her. I don’t know if girls can tell if somebody’s new to Thailand is inexperienced or if someone’s been there for a long time, but she seemed to act in a way that made me feel as comfortable as anything. I started having more drinks. She’s having more drinks. And she’s really sweet. She doesn’t appear to be the sort of person who is trying to do anything other than show respect and understanding for who I was. In turn, wanting the same kind of respect and understanding back. For some reason, I just felt different when I was with her as opposed to all the other girls I’d spoken to, as opposed to everything I’d done before.

I’d say I’d been in her bar for an hour, probably longer, and I noticed there’s another guy in there and he’s talking to a girl. He’s got his arms all over her. And I look at that and look back at her and she smiles and said, “It’s okay.” She grabs my arm and wraps it around her waist and she leans in and gives me a kiss on the cheek. She said, “I like you now.” That felt amazing when she said that. It didn’t seem fake. It didn’t seem forced. It didn’t seem like she would say that if she didn’t mean it. And I said, “I like you, too.” Then she actually kissed me and said, “Let’s go.” So, we left.

I fell in love that night. She was special, kind, understanding, and loving. and she became my world. In the morning, I said, “Can we spend more time together?” I told her how long I was in Pattaya, and she said she’d love to spend time with me. She was happy to meet me. He felt great that she met someone like me. That made me feel even luckier. She stayed with me throughout the rest of the time in Pattaya.

It was interesting because it gave me a chance to see another side of Thailand when she took me to places that I would never have been by myself. To me, it seemed like the bars were where she worked, yet she wouldn’t spend time somewhere like that if she wasn’t working there. That made me think that she doesn’t really like working in the bar. Perhaps this could be an opportunity to actually help her to leave that work and also help me to actually have a girlfriend. By the end of that week in Pattaya, I’d already fallen in love with her like I’d never fallen in love with anyone to the point where nothing mattered anymore.

I knew I had a week left, already booked that hotel in Bangkok. the same one in that stupid location so far away from anywhere I wanted to be. But I thought maybe I’ll get a different hotel. Maybe she can go to Bangkok with me or maybe I should just stay in Pattaya because I liked it more than anywhere else. I asked if she would be okay to spend another week with me. She said that would make her very happy. So I decided to stay in Pattaya and forget about that hotel in Bangkok.

Regardless of how happy I am, regardless of how amazing I feel, the days are going by and my money is going down and I have to go home. I didn’t want to go home. I wanted to stay with her. I wanted to get married. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I was in love with her and she told me that she was in love with me, too. By the last day, I was in hysterics. The thought of going back just felt like a fate worse than death. I felt like we’d both fallen in love with each other, and we were meant to be together. felt like she was the person that I’d been waiting for my whole life.

And the thing was, she told me that I was the person she was waiting for her whole life. Said most of the guys she runs into don’t treat her with respect. Don’t treat her like she’s a person. But I was different and she respected that and she loved me. I asked her if she could be my girlfriend and I will send money for her and come back soon. Would she stop working in the bar if I did that? She said that would make her very happy. That made me happy to know that I would be able to call and speak to her when I wasn’t there. And I wanted to find out what I could do to move to Thailand to be with her.

When I left, I cried. She cried. It wasn’t meant to be like this. We were meant to be together, but I had to go home. I gave her £1,000 when I left. Told her to stop working in the bar and I will send more money. When I was getting the taxi to the airport, it was the worst day of my life. Not only was I leaving behind my girlfriend, I was also leaving behind the country where I felt more comfortable and more at home than I did in my own home. And I knew that my life would never be the same again.

Getting on the plane, taking a seat, and I had a middle seat between three, knowing that I’m in for an uncomfortable 12 hours. And then what am I meant to do when I get back? I can’t just go back to work and live normally because it won’t feel right. Exactly like I said, a fate worse than death. It will feel so bad that I can’t do it.

The Long Distance Relationship and Selling Everything

I did get home though. I did get back to work. I speak to her every day for a week and she’s always says how much she misses me and how fantastic it was to have met me. I just told her I loved her and I’ll try and work out what to do. I felt too trapped in that moment. I had my mortgage to pay. I had the job to do. I didn’t really have much money.

That’s when I thought about going back again sooner and just paying for it on my credit card. I had a great credit score. I always paid my mortgage on time. Always bought everything on credit card and paid it back at full at the end of the month. I thought just go for another month. You might spend £5,000 on your credit card. But never mind. Never mind about work, too. I was so tempted to do that. I’m thinking this after I’ve only been back for a few days, calling her every day. And after 2 weeks, she asked me to send some money saying she’d run out. I sent her £500. I was happy to do that, and she was happy about that. And we’re talking about how much we loved each other and how much we missed each other. It only felt right that I should go back.

I don’t know what it was, but after I had that conversation with her, after I sent her £500, I had the idea come over me, why don’t I apply for another credit card and another one and keep applying for as much credit as possible? then I could just borrow that money, go to Thailand, get a job, and I could, you know, pay the money back. That moment in time, I had a credit limit on my card of £10,000. I had £4,000 left after going to Thailand. I thought I should be able to get at least 10,000 more. I even thought about selling my house. It felt like it was a trap as opposed to an asset.

And as the days are going by and I’m speaking to her every day and we’re both professing love for each other, she’s saying she’s not working in the bar and I believe her. I did decide to sell my house. I thought it was the right thing to do. I was going to move to Thailand. I’d already decided I was going to go. I was going to get as much money together as I could. Then I should be able to hopefully work something out when I was there. At this point, I knew I couldn’t just go and get a job. But I could teach English. Why couldn’t I do that? Or maybe I could do my own thing. I didn’t know what, but I could do something. I would just need as much money as possible so I could have enough time there to make sure everything would be okay.

I’m speaking to her well into 2012 every day, two times a day, and I send her money anytime she needs it, just to make sure that she doesn’t go and work in the bar again cuz we were already boyfriend and girlfriend.

It was in February that I had an offer on my house, more than I was expecting to get, and if the sale came off, I would be left with about 13,000 out of it, which felt amazing. When that was about 2 weeks away from completion, I went to apply for a personal loan, just thinking, let’s see what happens. I got approved. The thing was, I got approved for £25,000. I think that was the maximum he could get without further checks. I guess that’s what happens when you pay your credit card in full every single month forever, and pay your mortgage on time, always pay your bills on time, and be on the electoral role. I was amazed though about that because that felt like a lot of money. I also applied for another credit card and I got approved for £5,000. I applied for another, but that was declined. So, I thought I should be happy with what I’ve got.

It was my full intention to work in Thailand and pay this back. But did I deep down know that that was impossible. Maybe. I don’t honestly know. After my house sale went through, the money lands in the bank. I’ve already got my loan money there. I took a cash advance on my old credit card and my new one. I had £53,000 plus the £4,000 I had left. £57,000. And it was a heart-stopping moment because that was a lot of money. I’d never seen that much money before. And I even started thinking based on the fact I’d seen places for sale that I could own myself. Small condos for £15,000. I thought I was going to be able to go establish myself and start paying the money back. I even left a few thousand in the bank to pay the first payments and contacted my bank and told them I needed to transfer overseas. When I get my bank account set up in Thailand, they said that was fine.

April 2012, I was flying back to Thailand to live there permanently. I never planned to go back to my own country ever again. I’d spoken to my girlfriend every single day since I got back and she knew I was going to be going and she said she promised to meet me at the airport in Bangkok. When I arrived, she was there again. It just felt like we were meant to be together. The way she greeted me, the way she said how much she missed me, the way she said she was so happy I was back. It was remarkable to understand that all that effort, all that planning, all that coming up with how to make this possible, it all paid off. And there I was. We were getting a taxi to Pattaya.

The Money Begins to Drain

We stopped off at the service station on the highway. And that was the first time she asked for some more money. So happy you’re back. It’s amazing to see you. I’ve missed you so much. Would it be okay if you gave me 20,000 baht because I need to send that to my family. I haven’t been working because I’ve been waiting for you. I didn’t hesitate. I said, “Of course.” And I handed the money. I bought a lot of cash with me. So, I gave it to her and said, “You can go and exchange it yourself because I gave it to her in pounds.” And she said how happy she was. He gave me a hug. Said it was amazing to see me again.

When we got to Pattaya, I hadn’t booked anywhere yet. I felt like a seasoned veteran now because I didn’t make the same mistakes as I did when I booked everything before. I arrived before not knowing anything, but now was different. We found a great hotel and we just spent the day there and it was amazing. The following day again, I’m amazed about the fact that I’m here and I knew I needed to get a bank account and at the time it was easier. I’ve heard because I’ve not been back that now it’s more difficult. So, I sorted that and I arranged to have all my money sent in. It felt great when it arrived. That made me feel more comfortable knowing that all the money was there.

Over the course of my first week back, I’d already asked her to marry me, and she’d already agreed. We talked about where we were going to live, what we were going to do, and it really made me think that I’m the luckiest man in the world. I was thinking this was the best thing I’d ever done. And I said, “I need to be able to make some money. Maybe I will get a job as an English teacher.” I wasn’t ready to start working yet, though, because I’d only just got back. I didn’t have a long-stay visa arranged, so that would be something I would need to do. But I knew once we were married, I could get a visa for that. I’m spending too much money after I arrived back, but I’m going with it, thinking it’s only temporary.

The first month of being back, I probably gave her £3,000 and probably spent the same again on hotels and going out. more than 10% of everything I had. But it was worth it just having that kind of honeymoon phase of moving to Thailand. The next three months, I just feel like I’m getting used to this new life. I feel like I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. And she always says how she’s so happy as well that I’m there.

It was after 3 months that we went up to get married. That cost me a lot of money. I spent about £10,000 on the wedding and also the money I gave to her family as a sign of respect that I was serious, that I loved their daughter. She had three kids. They were still quite young and they stayed with her family and she always doted on them when she saw them.

Back in Pattaya, that’s when I started looking for a job as an English teacher. I applied for quite a lot and also I got the marriage visa arranged so I could stay in the country. We had to leave actually leave together, go out to a different country and that get that and it was a fun trip. Another 3 months later, after applying for lots of jobs, I landed my first position as an English teacher.

I used the money I left in England to pay back the loan and the credit cards and that’s good. Then when I got that job, we moved out of a hotel and found a place to live. It was only a small place, 6,000 baht. And if you add the electric and other things on top, probably 8,000 total. The salary wasn’t big. It was 30,000. But I thought now we were living somewhere like this, we could take a huge step back. We were married. After paying for the place to live, we can spend 10,000 to live and then 10,000 to pay back the loan and the credit cards.

I don’t know why I sort of expected when we were married and living together in a place like this that our lifestyle would change considerably. I expected it would, but at the same time, it was like we were on holiday. But I quickly realized that she still wanted to do the same things that we did before. I’m seeing the fact that I’ve got money in the bank. I had after the wedding and spending the bits I spent to start with probably £40,000 in Thailand over a million baht and it looked like it should last forever. I find myself going to work at the school. I don’t have a work permit for it but they didn’t care. And I’m coming back and instead of just going and buying cheap street food and eating it in together, we’re going out and we’re drinking and having a good time and I’m living in the moment, not thinking about the future, thinking about the moment and being with her. The fact that I’m with her makes everything okay. I also think eventually we will settle down. Eventually we will spend less money and just live normally.

When the money in the bank in England ran out, I had to transfer money back. Transferred 5,000 to pay for the next number of months. And it was upsetting because I wanted to keep all the money with me. At the same time as we were still spending through too much money like it’s nothing, though. And I’m working this job as an English teacher. and it’s as though my job is only paying for 20% of our lifestyle. I knew that this couldn’t last and I told my wife about the situation that we were either need to make more money or we need to cut back and spend less. I was hoping she would say we could cut back and spend less but she said she understands so let’s make more. She thinks we should open our own business because people who have businesses have more money.

The Hair Salon Disaster

I had no idea what business we could do, but it did seem like that would be the best use of the rest of the money I had, about £30,000. Even though I’m working 5 days a week, it did seem like it would be the best thing for both of us. I think one thing you really have to understand, for a guy like me, having £30,000 in the bank, never having that amount of money before, it felt like it was an absolute fortune. It felt like it was more than enough money to be able to completely change both of our lives. I was so in love with my wife. I loved her so much. I wanted nothing more than to be with her every second of every day. The things she did with me, the way she talked to me, the way she seemed to know everything that I liked and wanted. And the fact that I had this money, it was like it was so much. The thought of investing that money made me feel like we’re going to make a huge amount more. I suppose it’s like when I was a child a long time ago, maybe someone gave me £5 that felt like it could buy the world. And this is exactly how I felt with £30,000. It felt like it was a lot of money. It felt more than it was.

We started looking around for things to do in Pattaya. When I found out that even if I wanted a bar, it was a lot more money than I had. I didn’t take another step back and think what I’ve got isn’t a lot. I just thought we’ll find something. Eventually, we find a hair salon that was for sale. It was in a reasonable area and it was going to be a million baht. That should give me enough money left over and it was already operational and there were staff working there already and I thought it was a great idea to actually establish us in the country. I didn’t have enough money to do this through a company name. So I thought it would be fine for my wife. She was really excited about having it. I was really excited about it. So I agreed and we paid a million baht took over the lease.

It was quite expensive rent and the staff costs but it was open in the first few days we have people in and I’m standing there. This was on a weekend because I was still working. And I think I’ve cracked it. I feel amazing that we have this business and this is going to be the answer that I needed to keep me in Thailand. It was an unmitigated disaster. At the time, I thought it was just a failure. I thought it was things not working properly. I thought it was things going wrong. But when it opened, my wife said it was going okay. Then at the end of the month, after everything was paid for, he only made 10,000 baht. I was hoping to be making a lot more than that. I hoping I was be able to quit my job. Only 10,000 baht though, but my wife kept that. And even though my wife was keeping that, she’s not contributing to any of the expenses that we have. And we’re still going out and I only had a little bit of money left. And we’re going through that quickly.

It seemed to be that the business was bringing in money, and I would think later that my wife was actually hiding about how much it was making and keeping a lot of the money for herself. That’s what I think happened. But at the time, I’m just thinking it’s not making as much as we expected. I’m still spending money. And after it would have been open for, say, 5 months, didn’t have any money left.

When I told my wife I’d run out of money, I said, “Seriously, I don’t have any money left.” I was expecting her to be really consoling and say, “Don’t worry about it. We’ll spend less. Everything’s going to be fine.” But she didn’t say that. She started acting really differently, like he’s going to the salon and saying, “I need to work harder now. I have more work to do. I will try my best, but you can’t expect me to be the same because I have to work so much. So, I’m going to work at the school earning not much money. She’s working at the salon a lot more than before, saying that it’s not making a lot, but I think it’s making more than it is. In the evenings, she’s always saying she’s too tired to spend time with me properly like she used to do. It hurts, but just being with her was enough for me at the time.

But then, the money I sent back to England to pay the loan and the credit cards had been used up, and I didn’t have anything to pay them back. So, I didn’t pay them. I couldn’t pay them. I just forgot about it. I didn’t mean to do it. I tell myself that. I didn’t think it was a possibility. But I should have known maybe, but I didn’t.

The End: Divorce and Heartbreak

I lasted another 6 months. My wife was always complaining about how the business wasn’t working well. But she was always there and I’m working and I’m okay with doing what I’m doing. But when I get back home, she comes back later and I start to think she’s working in the bar again now or she’s doing something that she’s not telling me about. It’s heartbreaking because she said that she loved me. I loved her. I gave everything to be with her, but I actually gave more than that. I gave money I didn’t have to be with her and I wasn’t paying it back and I’d probably completely destroyed my credit. So, I’d never be able to get credit ever again.

It was after about those 6 months though that my wife came to me and said she wanted a divorce. She said she’s trying her best, but she can’t do it anymore. She wanted a divorce. I told her, “Please, no. I’ve given everything to be with you. You’re my life. I can’t divorce you. I could don’t have anything apart from you. But she didn’t care. She didn’t care one iota about the fact that she was my life.

I said, “I’m not doing it. I’m not going to do that. I love you.” And then that was when she started deliberately cheating on me and letting me know about it. She would call me when she was with someone saying, “Are you sure you don’t want to divorce me?” That was when I understood, I think, that perhaps she wasn’t actually the person I thought she was. Perhaps she didn’t actually love me and she was just using me.

I had no choice but to get divorced from her. Then she had the business and that was when I thought perhaps the business isn’t doing as badly as she said it’s doing and I just gave her that money to do it and she was probably taking all the money out of it at the same time. I still had that teaching job. I wished that I’d stayed on doing that and just accepted that I was alone. But in that moment, I was so depressed and upset about what had happened. I didn’t feel like being there. It was a big mistake. I should have stayed there, but I couldn’t. I worked my last month and I needed that just to get enough money for the plane ride to go home.

When I arrived, realizing I don’t have anywhere to live, I owe money that I can’t pay back. I’m going to have to get another job. That’s when it hit me that I’d been stupid. I even tried to call her one time when I was back just to hear her voice. She answered and she was just in a location that sounded like she was having a fantastic time. Music in the background, other people talking. That’s when I thought that’s where I should be, not her. I want to be there, but I’d lost all my money because I loved her so much, not understanding that there was no chance that she would love somebody like me.

She told me she loved me. She told me that she cared about me. And she told me that she was lucky to meet me. She convinced me that we could make extra money by doing a business. And you probably pocketed most of it, saying it wasn’t making a lot. I destroyed my life because of it. I wasn’t able to get back on the housing ladder. I wasn’t able to save money and I came to an agreement to pay back what I owed after they stopped the interest very slowly and it took me forever.

I got another job that I didn’t want yet again and just looked forward to the times when I could go to bed and relive Thailand because it was the only thing. It was the best thing to ever happen to me. Yet, it was also the worst thing to ever happen to me. I’m retired now. Not having a good time. Just retired. I got my pension and that’s it. Sometimes I think I will go to Thailand again for one last go, but it would only be one last go. Cuz the thought of going to Thailand and enjoying it and having to leave, that’s a fate worse than death.