My Thai Girlfriend Said “My Family Is Your Family”

I genuinely thought I had it all figured out. Turns out, I didn’t have a clue. Now, I met my girlfriend in a massage shop down in Hua Hin. Nothing dodgy or anything, just one of those standard little places you see everywhere with six plastic chairs outside, a couple of mattresses upstairs, and the lasses sitting around on their phones when there’s no customers. I’d been in Thailand about three weeks, and my back was killing me. So, I just walked in. She gave me the massage. I’ll call her Bow.

She was 34, divorced with a nine-year-old daughter living with her parents in a village outside Roi Et. I was 49 at the time, from Newcastle, worked as an electrician most of my life, and I’d been coming to Thailand on holiday for years.

I knew full well what sort of money Bow made. Some days she had customers, some days she didn’t. There was no fantasy here that she was some independent businesswoman earning a fortune.

Anyway, after the massage, she asked where I was going for dinner. I told her I hadn’t decided, and she said she knew somewhere good and cheap. I’ll be honest. I thought she was hinting for me to take her somewhere high-end. But she took me down this little side street, and we ate for less than 300 baht between us, and that was how it all started.

For the rest of that trip, I saw her almost every day. She still worked, but I’d meet her afterwards. Sometimes I’d pay for food, sometimes she’d turn up with stuff she’d bought herself.

When I went back home, we kept talking online, and a couple of months later, I came back out. By my third trip, I stopped bothering with hotels and rented a small condo for a month. She stayed with me most nights, but kept her job during the day.

Early School and Rent Requests

The first time she asked me for money was for her daughter’s school, 3,500 baht. She actually looked dead embarrassed asking me, and I sent it straight away. Why wouldn’t I? I was spending more than that on a night out back home.

Then, it was new school shoes, then a school trip, then she was short on her room rent because the shop had been dead.

None of it was big money. 2,000 here, 4,000 there, maybe 6,000 another time. Small enough that saying no felt ridiculous.

Monthly Allowance and Family Expenses

So, after about eight months, I thought I’d be clever and suggested sending her 15,000 baht every month as a proper allowance. She didn’t ask for it. It was my idea. I was just sick of her having to ask every time something came up and thought it’d help her budget. It worked for a bit, but then her mothergot sick.

There were hospital bills, trips back and forth to Roi Et, medication, and both of them missing days at work. So, I helped out. A few months later, her dad’s motorbike broke down, so I helped with that, too. Then, her daughter needed a tablet for school. But when you’re living it, it doesn’t feel like that.

This wasn’t a girl I’d met two weeks ago telling me her buffalo was dying. I’d known her for over a year, met her daughter, and stayed at her parents’ house in Roi Et sleeping on a mattress on the floor with no air con. Her mother cooked me breakfast even though we couldn’t speak a word to each other, and her dad was pouring me whiskey at 11:00 in the morning whether I wanted it or not. They felt like family. Eventually, I sorted my work so I could spend longer in Thailand. I’d take a contract back home, work hard for a few months, then fly back out.

Around that time, Bow stopped working at the massage shop, but we did talk about it first. She was only making maybe 10,000 or 12,000 baht in a decent month, sometimes less. I was already helping her anyway, and I was spending longer periods in Thailand, so we decided she’d stay with me when I was there and have more time with her daughter, as well.

And if I’m honest, I like having her around, but that’s when the money got weird. Not because she suddenly got greedy, but because she stopped asking for herself. It was always her mother needing 5,000, or her daughter needing 8,000, or her sister being behind on a motorbike payment.

One month, I checked my bank and realized I’d sent Bow nearly 40,000 baht on top of everything I’d paid for while I was actually in Thailand. When I brought it up, she got really hurt. She said, “My family don’t have money like you. You have money, I have family. If you love me, my family is your family, too.” And then, I didn’t know what to say to that. Part of me got it, but another part of me was thinking, “When did I agree to adopt six people?”

Setting a 20,000 Baht Monthly Limit

So, I put my foot down. 20,000 baht per month, flat. No extras, unless it was a real emergency. She wasn’t happy, but she agreed. And the first month was fine, but the second month in, her mom needed 6,000 for dental work. I said, “No.”

We had our first proper row about money. Bow couldn’t understand how I could spend 4,000 baht having dinner and drinks with my friends in Hua Hin, but refuse to give her mom 6,000 for a dentist. I said, “Because one was my money that I’d chosen to spend, and the other was somebody else’s bill that I hadn’t agreed to pay.” To her, the fact I had the money was the point. To me, it was the principle.

After that, I started getting paranoid about money. If she ordered something pricey at dinner, I would notice. If she asked me for 1,000 baht, I’d wonder where her 20,000 baht had gone. If we went up to Roi Et, and somebody mentioned something broken at the house, I’d immediately think they were telling me because they expected me to replace it. And I hated becoming like that.

Testing the Relationship Without Money

So, I decided to test her. Now, I know it sounds childish, but I needed to know. I told her one of my contracts in England had fallen through. Money was tight, and I couldn’t send the 20,000 baht for a few months. I expected a massive row. Part of me even expected her to disappear. She just said, “Okay.”

For two months, I sent her nothing. She went back to the massage shop and moved back into the little room she’d rented before, and we still spoke every day. She never stopped answering me, never suddenly started acting differently, and never asked when I was going to start sending money again.

That completely threw me because I’d convinced myself that taking the money away would give me my answer.

Then, I flew back to Thailand. She met me at the airport with the same smile she always had and a stupid 200 baht neck pillow because I mentioned my neck was sore after the last flight. That neck pillow made me feel worse than if she demanded 20,000 baht.

Bow Supporting Her Family in Roi Et

Now, a few weeks later, we went back up to Roi Et to see her family. Her mom pulled me aside and started thanking me. Bow translated. Her mom was thanking me for helping them during the previous couple of months, but I hadn’t helped them. I looked at Bow, and she went dead quiet. Later that night, I asked what her mom was talking about.

Turns out Bow had been working six or seven days a week at the massage shop and sending some of what she earned back home to her parents.

So then it dawned on me. They didn’t need money because I was there. They needed money whether I existed or not. Before me, Bow helped them. When I came along and started helping Bow, it meant she could do more for them and didn’t have to work as much.

When I stopped sending money, she went back to work and carried on doing what she’d done before I met her.

Now, that didn’t suddenly turn me into Father Christmas. I understood her better, but I still didn’t agree that her family’s bills automatically became mine just because I was her boyfriend. And Bow didn’t suddenly agree with me, either.

Argument Over Her Sister’s Expenses

A few weeks later, her sister needed 12,000 baht and Bow asked me if I could help. I said no. She called me selfish. I told her if she wanted to give her sister 12,000 baht, she’d have to earn it herself. She said maybe she should go back to work full-time, then. I said maybe she should. That went down about as well as you’d imagine.

We had a massive row and barely spoke for the rest of the night. I remember lying there thinking how ridiculous the whole thing was.

And a couple of months earlier, I’d been wondering whether she was only with me for money. Now, I knew she wasn’t. But we were still arguing about money. That’s the part people don’t really talk about. Finding out she stayed when the money stopped didn’t magically fix everything.

Staying Together Despite Money Arguments

We’re still together now, getting close to three years. She works a few days a week again, and I still give her some money each month, but less than I used to.

Once I give it to her, I don’t ask what she does with it anymore. If she sends some to her mom, that is up to her. If her family needs something extra, sometimes I help and sometimes I don’t. And we still argue about it occasionally, and she still thinks I’m tight. And I think that she finds it far too easy to spend money that isn’t hers. Neither of us has completely changed our mind, but we’re still here.

And I suppose the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I was asking myself the wrong question for most of the relationship.

I kept wondering, “Does she love me, or does she love my money?” I don’t think it’s that simple. I think Bow genuinely loves me. I also think money matters massively to her because she’s spent her whole life without much of it, and helping her parents and her daughter isn’t something she sees as optional.

To her, that’s just what family does. But that doesn’t mean that I have to pay for everything, and we’re still working that bit out. A lot of guys say, “Stop paying her, and you’ll find out if she loves you.” Well, I actually did stop. She stayed. But trust me, it didn’t make anything any simpler.