Hanging on For Dear Life in Thailand

We’ve all got one of those friends who decide getting married in a church at home, like everybody else, is not good enough for them, and who decide that he and his fiancée are going to go to the other side of the world and get married there. Being his best friend, you’re invited and you have to go along, even if it’s going to cost you a couple of grand.

That was the position I was in, going together with my fiancée at the time, too, to my best friend’s wedding over in Thailand. They were both from England, but this was what they wanted. This is what they’d saved for. If it was going to cost us a couple of grand to go to, as much as I was hesitant about spending that money because that was meant to go for the deposit on our first house when we got married, you have to do it. Support your friend, and off you go.

The wedding was going to take place in Phuket. They booked a really nice resort, a bit of a celebration, a bit of a party before they went off on their honeymoon and we returned back home. It was something that I was excited about, but it was a bit expensive nonetheless. That’s how Thailand began for me. That’s how my life changed considerably. That’s how what mattered to me changed and what I wanted from my life changed, too. Just about everything in my life changed so much more than I could have thought anything in my life could ever change at all.

This was a reasonably long time ago. Now, I think if I recall, we arrived in Thailand on the 19th of November 2013, although that date could be slightly off. I could find out, but there’s not much point. It was definitely November 2013, but the exact date, that’s what eludes me.

We’d arrived and spent a night in Bangkok. There were about 10 of us guys there as well as some of our girlfriends and fiancées and wives. His fiancée had 10 of her friends there too. A couple of their friends and family as well. And a couple of people couldn’t come because of affordability.

But it was like we were enclosed in our own world there and not in a position to go out and explore and see what any of Bangkok was like because we were there for two nights before heading down to Phuket. There felt to be something fun about the country, and it was interesting, but I wasn’t really able to gather any more than that. Basically, we were friends being together; going out and seeing anything alone was well off the cards.

The guys and I did go out to a few of the red light districts just to look at them. Our girlfriends or fiancées or wives, for some of us, were there too, as I’ve mentioned, and they went off to look at whatever they went to look at. So, it wasn’t like we could under any circumstances consider anything. But I must admit to feeling quite excited by what I was seeing. It made me understand that what I was doing was quite tame in comparison to what some people seem to be doing in Thailand. I wasn’t thinking more than that.

An Early Morning Massage in Phuket

Down in Phuket for the wedding, that was a fun experience. The resort was amazing. So affordable, too, in comparison to places that I’d stayed in the past. For the most part, I had a fantastic time. I did feel like Thailand as a holiday, just with my fiancée, would be a very good idea, to see more of it and see what it was like when you’re not having to conform to what everybody else who was there with you wanted to do.

One day really stood out for me, though. I’d woken up quite early. My fiancée was still in bed, and I couldn’t get back to sleep. It was probably only 6:00 a.m., and I went to go for a walk to stretch my legs. We were in the heart of Phuket close to Patong and most of the places were shut. I was walking around and I think that was the first time I was taking in Thailand by myself when I could actually look at things and go towards things that I found to be fascinating and also very interesting.

I happened across a place that was doing massages. It was open, which seemed to be quite rare. I don’t know if it was a 24-hour place or what. I don’t have an idea. I just thought that sounded like a great way to relax for an hour. I didn’t know what massage places in Thailand such as that were like. This didn’t look anything like a seedy sort of establishment. It had a normal exterior, glass windows at the bottom with writing on saying how much each massage was, a Thai massage, an oil massage. They had chairs lined up downstairs where you could have a foot massage. And there was nothing to indicate that this was anything more than that.

There were a couple of girls sitting there who were the masseuses. They even had proper masseuse clothing on. I didn’t think it would be any harm in going in and having a massage. I fancied an oil massage really getting the knots out of my back. I always had back issues. Even though I was only in my early 40s, I always had some kind of back issue at some time. And it seemed to be a great way to relax.

I noticed that the girls appeared to be, I would say, late 20s, early 30s. One of them was really attractive. One of them wasn’t attractive at all. And one of them was somewhere in the middle. It was sort of implied: which girl would you like to massage you? I wasn’t even thinking. I wasn’t thinking then. I mean, I can promise you that I wasn’t thinking then, but I had to choose. Of course, I chose the most attractive one. I wasn’t thinking anything other than that.

I was led up to a room, given some clothes to put on, massage clothes, and for the most part, the following 30 to 45 minutes was a normal massage. Then a question is asked; your immediate reaction is absolutely not. Then you think, what harm could that be? Then all of a sudden, you find yourself, well, imagine going all the way and walking out of that place, not understanding how that even happened. I was alarmed because it just came over me and just happened without me even thinking it would. I went for a massage. I promise I went for a massage. But something had happened that I never thought I was actually going to do. It was quite alarming.

I made it back to the hotel feeling very guilty. My fiancée was still asleep. It was still quite early. We had a shower, another one, and then everyone goes off for breakfast. Things happen, and I go back home with my fiancée.

My Future at Home After Thailand

But all of a sudden, when I was back at home, I felt like I was missing out on something that I couldn’t put my finger on. It was like you went through the motions of a normal life, and you could see your future ahead of you. You could look to the future, and you could see yourself getting married, could see yourself buying your first house, putting down a deposit and paying a big mortgage. You could see yourself going into work year after year. You could see yourself buying that car that you didn’t need. You saw yourself going away on holiday using borrowed money that you need to pay back through the next whole year’s work.

You could see yourself following this path that all of a sudden terrified me. It really, really scared me. I don’t necessarily believe that I owed it to Thailand at that time for making me feel like that, but it made me understand that I was terrified about what was to come.

I was in my early 40s, quite a late bloomer in terms of being able to get married and get a house and do those sorts of things. I’d never owned anything until then, and I’m looking at the best part of the next two decades, probably longer, all the way up until my mid-60s, just existing in a life, just to pay for that life itself.

Drifting Apart From My Fiancée

After a few weeks go by since arriving back, that’s when I’m starting to think back to Thailand and those little experiences that I had. That one experience also, which I felt very guilty about, made me feel so free, and it was so unexpected. It was that unexpectedness of the event. It was the sheer lack of knowledge about what you could get up to at any moment. It was the complete lack of understanding about what the next day would bring that made me think that Thailand was somewhere that we needed to go back to.

I was with my fiancée at this point and never thought about separating from her, but I felt like we needed to go for a proper holiday and I wanted to go to Thailand. I brought it up with her and she said she didn’t really want to go. She liked it, but it wasn’t her favorite place. She’d much rather go somewhere like Eitha. That seemed to be where she liked to go. Or Morca or somewhere else like that. But I’d been there, seen it, done it, spent money on it. It wasn’t fun. Nothing like Thailand was.

It’s amazing how that little event affected me. Bear in mind, all my other friends who went didn’t seem to have any kind of feeling for Thailand or any connection to what Thailand had to offer. It was as if they hadn’t seen the light. They hadn’t seen the future at the end of this amazing tunnel, a future that you didn’t know what was going to happen from day to day. They hadn’t seen it.

I had, and I was a different man, a man who, over the next 6 months, drifted apart from my fiancée as our wedding date, which had been booked, was approaching. People had been invited. My family were happy. Her family were happy. Everything seemed to be moving in that right direction. But as the wedding day was approaching, I was getting cold feet because it felt like it was going to be a trap for eternity, a never-ending trap. A trap that would get us nowhere, apart from maybe retiring at 65, maybe older than that. And that’s not what I wanted anymore. And I don’t think I ever wanted it before, but I just didn’t realize what I really wanted.

We drifted apart. I was a weak man in many aspects. I wanted it to be her idea to break it off. It was my dismal behavior with her over those months, getting worse, going out and drinking and coming back late, doing stupid things. I wasn’t cheating on her or anything like that, but I was hoping that she was going to sit down and say she doesn’t want me.

Eventually, at the end of those 6 months, she did. She said she doesn’t know what’s happened to me. And we ended up not getting married. We lost money on the deposit for the wedding venue. But I felt freedom. I felt like I was my own man again when the future wasn’t predicted right in front of me where I didn’t know what I was going to get up to from one day to the next. I just felt alive again. I felt great.

Another Trip to Thailand via Dubai

I moved out of the place we were renting. We split the money we were saving for the deposit on a house between us. I had about £15,000, which wasn’t exactly a lot of money at 43 years old, but it was something. It would allow me to rent somewhere else, get myself set up, and get to a point where I could start deciding what the next course of my life was going to be.

It’s quite alarming how life can throw you a curveball and you’re going to find yourself doing something so much different than you ever expected. That’s what I was doing and I was so happy. I found another place to rent and a couple of months later, I’m feeling like I’m on top of the world and I booked another trip to Thailand via Dubai. I planned to stay in Dubai for a few days. It was going to cost a bit extra on the plane, but it had a different direction to it. I’d never been there and I thought I would check it out. Let’s just say I hated it though. Leave it at that.

Then I got to Thailand after that where I was going to be there for a few weeks and I was enjoying it. Just this sense of freedom. I spent my time in Pattaya. That’s when I started experiencing the bars and the nightlife and understanding how the massage places really worked. It was just a whole different life that makes life at home look like it’s a scam.

I will say it as it is. I believe, and I still believe regardless of what happened to me, that the normal life people have from countries like mine is the normal life that people go down because that’s what they think they have to do. They think they don’t have another choice. They’re pressured into doing that by society and by family and by what other people do around them. I believe that life is a down-and-out scam. It’s sold as what you’re meant to do when all it’s really meant to do is get people into positions so that the people who own everything can continue their great lives. You’re not paid enough for your time. Your time is all you’ve got in the world.

I’m loving life, but not with the financial backing behind me to do anything about it, which was the saddest thing. It’s when you start resigning yourself to your fate that you have maybe two weeks, if you’re lucky, a month a year of living a proper life. Then you’ve got 11 months of the year to be able to pay for your proper life.

That appealed to me when I’m in Thailand and I was in Thailand enjoying myself and having a great time. I’d met a number of girls, fallen in love, had my heart broken a few times and everything that went on. And it’s okay. I am prepared to put in 11 months for a month in Thailand.

But then you get home and you’ve been there for a few weeks. And no, I’m definitely not prepared to put myself through all of this because it’s torture and there’s no future in it. I know what’s on the other side of the world. I know what’s there. I know what’s available. I know what I want to be doing. I know how I want to be living, but I can’t. And it just didn’t feel worth it because the girls that you left behind, the bars that you left behind, the girls are in that bar meeting guys and living your life. I felt that was cruel. I’d much rather spend time being there than where I was. These girls who are doing it and actually getting something for it are at the places that I want to be.

Finding a Way to Live in Thailand

That’s when I started hitting a depression phase. I couldn’t see any way to get to where I wanted to be. I started looking into all kinds of different ideas. What do people actually do to be able to go and live there? How am I meant to stay there permanently? What do people do? You do your research. Some people teach. What else do people do? They open a business. What else do people do? They go and work. But it wasn’t like you could just go and get a job there. It wasn’t anything like that.

I was really struggling because I found what I loved in the world. I found what I wanted my life to be about, but I didn’t have the money to pay for it. I suppose that’s even worse. If I’d never been to Thailand in the first place, I would never have known what life was available and what life was like. I would have just continued and coasted and got to the point where I didn’t even know that I was doing something I didn’t want to do because I’d have just done it anyway. Thailand made me understand that I didn’t want that life, but I can’t afford the life I want.

I started thinking about solutions to try to get myself out of the conundrum that I found myself in. That was me not knowing how to get out of the conundrum, but I was feeling like I needed to do whatever it took. What happened next was a series of ridiculously stupid decisions based on desperation, out of this sense of hope and longing that I could finally live my life.

I had, give or take, been to Thailand, done some work, spent next to nothing when I was at home. I didn’t even turn the heating on. I thought, why am I turning the heating on? If I do this for a year and not turn the heating on and live very frugally, I can save extra money right there. I’m not comfortable. I’m not eating nice food. I’m not doing very much. And I’m basically spending next to nothing a month.

So, at that point, I had about £15,000. It went up, it went down, but that’s about what it was, but it just didn’t feel like it was enough to be able to give me a go at trying to spend a couple of years and hopefully land on my feet in Thailand.

A £20,000 Personal Loan for Thailand

But I made a decision. I made the decision that because I’d always paid my bills, I’d always paid my credit card, and I’d always paid my car loan, which I’d since got rid of since being with my fiancée, which was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I don’t know why I did that and even got it in the first place. I didn’t want something like that now.

But I thought that I had good credit. Maybe I could get a personal loan. Maybe I could use that as the security buffer to see me being able to go and spend a couple of years in Thailand where I could start living a better life.

I applied for a personal loan and I got £20,000. And then because of that, I had £35,000 sitting in my bank account. That’s when I thought I had enough money to take the risk.

How was I going to pay it back? I didn’t know. It didn’t matter to me. I didn’t care about that. I’d leave a couple of thousand to pay off a few installments. So, it was over a year or so, high interest, whatever it was going to be, but it was my chance. I felt like I’d landed on my feet with this chance.

That was when all the depression lifted, and I was able to finally go back to Thailand. It took me quite a long time for that to be a reality, coming up with ideas, going at that time to experience it, many months of thinking. It was around the start of 2015 when I was actually going to Thailand with £35,000 cash behind me and the idea that I was going to do whatever it took to be able to live there. Anything to be able to live there. As long as I could be in Pattaya, I didn’t care what I would do.

Living in Pattaya Without a Long Term Plan

The problem, the first problem arrives when you just arrive and the first thing you want to do is what you did when you were there on holiday. You go out and hit the bars and you meet girls and you’re talking to guys who live there and guys who were there on holiday. It’s a very different situation when you’re living there, even though you might have only been there for a couple of weeks.

I might meet a guy and we have a chat. I’m here for a couple of months, he said, looking very proud of himself, saying it’s great and he loves it, talking about how he wants to retire there. And it’s like I say to him, I live here. I didn’t have anything behind me to actually be able to live there apart from that bit of money, but being able to say that was great.

I’d only been there for a short amount of time, but it felt so good to be able to say to people that I lived there. I’m not going to say anything other than that I loved it. I felt proud of myself that I’d taken the risk instead of trying to do anything and work anything out about how I was going to sustain myself for the long term.

What about retirement? What about sacrifice and saving money for the future? What about anything? But to me, it wasn’t about that. It was about the here and now. I think too many people… I mean, I went to the other extreme, and it was stupid. I’m not anybody to say to anybody, look and do something different, but I think there is some kind of middle ground somewhere.

I was completely forgetting about the future and thinking about now, right now. Regardless, I don’t care what is going to happen when I get older because I just want to enjoy myself now.

I enjoyed myself for about a month and I spent way too much money but I still had most of it left. I needed to settle down and calm down. And I thought the best thing to do was leave Pattaya and perhaps find a place that’s got what Pattaya has, but not in such abundance where you just wanted it all the time. Perhaps somewhere where you could have it in moderation.

Online Work in Chiang Mai

That was when I flew from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. I’d spoken to a couple of guys who had been there, and some people seemed to really love it, and some people seemed to hate it. As soon as I arrived there, I found it was an interesting place. It had a couple of areas that were available like they had in Pattaya, but it was more laid-back and not as in your face. It was as if it was there when you needed it, but it wasn’t what it was all about.

That was when I was able to settle down a bit and not spend as much money, and I was trying to find something to do. I’m finding that time’s going by and it’s trickling away and I’m not doing anything. I don’t know what to do.

I started looking around online for things, finding things I could potentially do. And one thing that did crop up was online work. I think it was in its infancy then. Not many people did it like they do now, but there were still lots of websites where you could go and find work as a freelancer doing anything because I could speak English. I was fluent and native. That was something that should be in my favor.

I found myself joining these sites and applying for all different jobs that I could apply for. And I was competing with people who were from countries such as India and the Philippines who spoke English. So, you needed to be, if you could be, something specialized.

I spent a long time and put a lot of commitment into doing that. And I landed a particular job, which was only $4 an hour. But I thought I’d do it. Maybe I’d get experience. Maybe I’d get a good review. And maybe that would lead to something better. I thought again about where I came from, and the company was based in Canada. The guy, the boss, worked in Canada. He employed people from the Philippines. I thought he would look at me differently and put me up in a different position where I could maybe be the manager. I thought he’d do that, but it didn’t seem to be the case.

There was a Filipino lady who was my manager, actually younger than me, and I felt quite embarrassed by that. But I took this job for $4 an hour, and I did it 8 hours a day.

The first time I was paid, although it wasn’t a lot of money, I felt like it was my first step towards some kind of sustainability in Thailand. My first step. It wasn’t enough to live a fantastic life, but I could have existed on that amount of money, but I didn’t want to.

It only took me about a month of doing that, being paid weekly, by the way. It only took me a month of that to realize that it just wasn’t good enough. It needs to be at least double this amount of money. And that still wouldn’t have been good enough, either. But it was my first feeling of myself feeling a bit proud that I’d actually done this. My first feeling then, thinking, well, actually, it’s unsustainable.

Then I’m starting to think I was from the country I was from. Surely a company based in the West should have to employ a Western person. That’s me being negative in that sense because I was thinking of people from the Philippines, this Filipino lady who was my manager during that month. The fact that she was probably earning a little bit more than me, that was good for her based on where she was from, but it was bad for me based on where I was from.

Working With a Girl From the Philippines

I still hadn’t come up with a way to arbitrage where I was from and what I could earn there to Thailand. I tried again, applied for so many different positions, and I got another one. Again, it was only $4 an hour. How I thought that would be better, I don’t know. But this one had a big team of people. Again, most of them from the Philippines. There was another guy. I believe he was living in Indonesia from the West. He was very young though, so perhaps he was traveling and doing it at the same time. I think he was. So maybe for him it was different. It wasn’t his be-all and end-all. I was trying to sustain myself to a good level.

We had team meetings and were partnered up with different people who you had to work with. And for some reason, I was partnered up with this girl from the Philippines who seemed, I had no idea what to think, very attractive over video. That was one thing. I find that I’m working and I’m speaking with her and we’re talking with each other. I’d met a number of girls since I’d been in Thailand, but I never felt anything more serious. I just felt I needed to set myself up first.

Now, I started doing this job and I was partnered up with this girl from the Philippines and she was 32 at the time or 31. We’re speaking together and I find that I’m going online early and she’s going online early and we’re speaking for an hour just getting to know each other. That was the main reason that allowed me to even do that work for a number of months in the first place to the point where it’s actually covering my existence, but my existence was not great.

Speaking to that girl, I asked her one day before we were about to start a shift. I wanted to take some time off. I wouldn’t be paid for that, which would have been a negative, but I’d love to go and meet up with you sometime in person. Would you want to come to Thailand or should I go there? She seemed a bit shy, but she said, “I mean, if you want to come and see me, if you want to.” I thought, “Let’s take some time off.” I put in for a week off, and I was flying to the Philippines not long after.

Meeting Her in Manila

She was from Manila, a very humble part of Manila. I got there and went to a cheap hotel I’d booked and arranged to meet up with her the following day. I believe that we hit it off. I’d never been to the Philippines, never considered going there, but the work that I’d done made me believe that, and I think it humbled me: okay, I’m living in Thailand, so I’ve got to understand that what’s available to me is what’s available. That was the salary I’m going to have to be able to accept to be able to live there, hoping eventually something better will come along.

But whatever I understood was, I shouldn’t be able to rely on where I was from in order to be able to get something better. It really did humble me, and I found I just got on with her very well.

We spent a couple of days meeting up. She was still working and this was evening shifts or late night shifts based on the company being in Canada which was difficult. But she was working and we could meet up in the daytime. I felt something for her. She was working too and it wasn’t like she was trying to get money out of me. I felt like though that this could be something good between us.

I was even thinking maybe I would move to the Philippines to be with her. How would she feel about that? We could rent a place together. We could live together. We could even save money and we could build the future together. I made the decision because she seemed to want the same thing that that’s what I was going to do, after talking to her and after seeing that she was really interested in it.

I needed to go back to Thailand first because I left some stuff there. The way I worked it out was what I’m earning and what she’s earning. I found out she was actually earning less than me, even though she was doing the same thing as me. So perhaps that was my advantage. I’d move to the Philippines to be with her, rent a small place in Manila for a couple of hundred a month and we’d enjoy life. I mean, I really hoped that would be the case.

I went back to Thailand and got my stuff and went to the Philippines. We did rent a place and she’s not moving in straight away, but we are starting to be serious. It only took a couple of months for her to move in. I’m able to work. I’m able to basically cover a very basic life and then she moves in. And I felt like life had thrown me yet another curveball. I was going for it. It was amazing. I didn’t really care that I wasn’t earning a lot because that wasn’t what it was about. I didn’t care at all.

Our Wedding Plans in the Philippines

It was the first couple of months of 2016. We’d been together quite a while and I felt like I wanted to move it further along. I’d committed to the Philippines and I felt, yeah, let’s move this along. I asked her to marry me.

We were both working. I’d actually changed to another job at this point and she’d changed to another one, too. It was just very fun. It never felt like we were going to commit for the long term, but now it felt like that’s the thing that we needed to do. We didn’t see a problem with that. We were covering our living costs quite well, probably putting a couple of hundred away a month and we were going to get married.

I went together with her to where she grew up and I was shocked. She basically grew up in a very awful slum in Manila. I think it’s the biggest one in Manila. Maybe the biggest one in the Philippines. I was taken aback, shocked about how she lived and the family’s conditions and the fact she was working. I knew she was supporting them and helping them too. And I felt so proud of her for being able to do that.

It was when we were there and after we’d got back from being there when she starts asking me to step in. She knew I had a bit of savings and wanted me to step in to help out with certain things before we got married. And I might as well cut a long story short on this one. I ended up spending out of my savings about £6,000 in order to help on a couple of family incidents that had happened just to tide them over, lots of things at once. I ended up doing that.

Then we got our wedding arranged, so I’ve got another fiancée at this point. And one day, bear in mind, we’re working from the same room. One day she turns around because we sat back to back. She turns around and says, “I can’t wait to stop working when we get married.” That had come out of absolutely nowhere. I asked her what she meant. She said, “If we’re married, we’ll maybe have a family and I’ll be your wife.”

When I told her we needed both our incomes to live, well, let’s cut a long story short. We lasted another couple of weeks and that was it. I’m sat in the Philippines, not with her anymore, working, lost a load of money, and wanting to leave as quickly as I possibly could. I did leave and went back to Thailand with my tail between my legs. Went back to Pattaya just not being able to comprehend and understand what had happened. How did I allow that to happen? I thought that we were meant to be together. We’d never talked about her stopping work, but she didn’t want to work anymore because we were getting married, expecting me to cover it, knowing what I was earning. That was a shocking moment.

Not only had I lost some money, I’d also really had my heart broken, too, because I cared for her and thought we were really serious. So, we didn’t get married. You could say I saved myself there, but I didn’t feel like that at the time.

A Tiny Place in Jomtien

I was back in Thailand and I rented a place in Pattaya again. I’d probably spent about £10,000 out of the money I’d taken with me, plus what I’d been earning. I didn’t really want to go back to Chiang Mai. I don’t know, I liked it, but I wanted Pattaya. I wanted to get my mind off her because I thought about her all the time. I’m back in Pattaya, actually, for the first time in a reasonable amount of time, and I’m earning enough to cover maybe 50% of how I was living.

I went out once a week, so not exactly amazing, but I’m not losing too much money too quickly. I should have seen the writing on the wall that it couldn’t last and it couldn’t sustain itself, that it can’t continue. But I didn’t see that because all I saw was the here and now and the living and wanting to be happy and wanting to continue life exactly where I wanted to be.

I was desperate though to meet someone else because it felt great when I was with her in the Philippines. It felt great to have someone. It felt great not to have to go out to meet someone, to have someone with you all the time. I felt really desperate.

Bear in mind the loan that I had. I will say it. I’ll tell you the truth. I didn’t pay it. I called them and said I don’t have any money left. I agreed to a really marginal amount of money and they had no choice but to accept it. I destroyed my credit, too, for whatever that’s worth. But I didn’t care. I never thought I was going to go back. I never wanted to go back again.

I probably had about £25,000 at this moment, which wasn’t a lot of money, but I had the desire to meet someone. The place I was renting was tiny, a tiny place in Jomtien, only 4,000 baht a month. And it took me, with what I was earning at the time, nearly five whole days working just to pay for the room. The air conditioning was a luxury. It’s not like I’m having a good time, but I am where I want to be. I just need to find someone. I need to find someone. That matters more than anything.

I just felt like where I needed to find someone was at one of the bars, knowing that I’d have to take care of her. It had taken me all that getting over the girl from the Philippines to know that perhaps I should have just accepted what she did because I was the man. I should be looking after her. I don’t know. It’s strange how the mind works. How you do things, not accepting it and then you start convincing yourself that perhaps that’s okay anyway.

Meeting Her at the Bars Around Jomtien

I spent a bit of time going out around Jomtien. The bars around there I found were very cheap. I told myself it was a bit of an investment into my hopeful happiness in the future. I still had that bit of money behind me, so it gave me a little bit of confidence, but not a lot. I started going out twice a week at this point. I was working the other nights, so I couldn’t go out on those ones. And I suppose that was a good thing because I could have blown through my money a lot more quickly if I had.

After a couple of months of living like that, meeting a few girls that I liked, there was one that I really, really liked. She was in her early 20s, bleached blonde hair, a nose ring, exactly the sort of girl who you might think you’re not going to get into trouble by being with her. She just looked perhaps like the sort of person that I was like when I was younger, in girl form, liking the same sort of things. She was shy and modest at the same time, though. She just seemed to desperately want what I wanted.

She’d been working in Pattaya for a few years, so I knew exactly what that meant. It seemed like she was quite worn out and burned out from that existence and quite devoid of being. You know what goes on in her daily life. It’s like she separated herself from that and I was able to push past that and understand how she was feeling and what she went through and talk about the position I was in. It was like we both were going through a big struggle. We were both struggling. We were both going through difficult times. We were both not necessarily happy and needed someone to be able to be happy.

I needed to get out of the rut of doing that and she needed something too. I needed to concentrate on work to make more money and I needed the security behind me that I had someone there to be able to support me.

This was one of the many mistakes I made, one of many huge mistakes, believing that I needed to have security behind me in order to be able to try and earn more and work more and do more things. I needed the comfort that I had a girlfriend who could be something more than that. I needed her to be supportive. I needed her to be there at all times that would allow me to concentrate to be able to sustain what I was doing.

Now I was all over the place, earning but not enjoying it. Not looking for more work, looking for someone to spend time with, being lonely and miserable. I was just all over the place. I believe she wasn’t like some of the other girls I met who perhaps had been in Pattaya for a little bit longer or a little bit less time. Some of them were, you know, separated from reality, too. But she needed someone to take her out of that life to pamper her and treasure her and love her and respect her and bring her back to happiness because she seemed to be devoid of that.

It’s not like she’d been there for such a long time, but perhaps things take their toll on people in different ways, and she was looking after a kid that she had. Basically, ever since she had that kid, she’d been in Pattaya.

I felt like we could help each other out. It wasn’t like I fell in love with her and tried to sweep her off her feet and pretended to be something I wasn’t. It wasn’t like that. It was like, “This is who we were. I think we can be together.” She seemed to jump all over that.

I took what she was doing and the fact that she did jump all over my idea to mean she thought it was a great idea. Well, she seemed to. I didn’t take it as her wanting to take money off me, even though she was taking money off me.

I told her I’d help her out to start with, so it didn’t really need to matter about that. And in return, I want you to help me to make more money. When I said that, and I did say it clearly, she said, “Well, I can’t work. How can I help you make more money?” I told her, just by being nice and kind and sweet and surprising and outgoing. Don’t nag because she didn’t need to do any of those things. And she didn’t do those things when I’d met her. She was perfect. You can help me make more money like that by being nice. I’m happy to give you 10,000 now. But if I make an extra 10,000, for every 10,000 I make, I would happily give you 5,000 and we can really build something good and a great future.

Making More Money With Her Support

I felt so energetic and so alive and so on top of the world when I was with her. And she left the bar and moved into my small place. I feel like I’ve got this get-up-and-go to really turn the computer on when it’s already bedtime and start working. I’d finish in the early hours of the morning. She’d be in bed, and I’d be spending 2 hours looking for extra work. I’d be doing as much as I possibly could.

Before long, the hard work paid off. I’d found a position that was paying $8 an hour. That’s not great, but it was better than I was being paid then, and I could do that for as many hours as I wanted.

She’s there, and it’s only a small single room, so she can hear me working all the time, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Sometimes she goes into the bathroom occasionally for a bit of peace, or maybe she goes and sits on the small balcony for a bit of peace. Not that it had a great view of anything around, but I’m finding over a couple of months of being there, I’m making more money, and things are falling into place, where I had a month of working and that covered both of our lives without dipping into anything else.

That was when I felt like I’d made it and she allowed me to do that. I thought she understood that I have a little bit of a break from work and stand up and she’s there for me. She’s there to give me more power and energy to continue. And it felt fantastic. It felt like it was actually working. The second month, I’d made enough to cover our lives again.

A Gold Ring and My Third Proposal

The third month, I’d made enough to pay for our lives again and take a two-day trip away to Koh Samet, which wasn’t too far away. We stayed in an okay place and had two magical days and nights. And I felt like I’d won. I felt like I was living in Thailand. I’d won. I’d finally found someone who I wanted to be with and who could support me through what I needed to do. She didn’t surprise me with any nasty things such as asking for money when we needed it and anything like that.

At Koh Samet, they had that fire show next to one of the restaurants. We were watching that. It was quite busy at the time. We went for a walk down the beach and after that I’d been to get her a small gold ring. I wanted to propose to her.

This would have been my third proposal, my third fiancée if she said yes. And luckily, at least I thought, she did.

I just can’t believe that things seem to be right when you’ve tried for so long to sustain yourself in Thailand and you can’t make enough money to cover your life for that month and then you do it again and again and again, and that’s when you feel like you really have won. I felt, and I will honestly say it again, like I’d won and like it was her who had helped me to do that because she was basically doing exactly what I thought she would do in order to help me. It made life worthwhile. It made the sacrifice I was doing worthwhile. It made the boredom of work worthwhile because she was there to make it all okay.

Now, I had a fiancée again, my third fiancée. Okay. The first one didn’t work because I didn’t want that boring life up until eternity. The second one didn’t work because she stopped working, expecting me to pay for her and I wasn’t there yet. That’s what you need to deal with in a girl in that part of the world. Now I understood that and this new one was great.

Getting Married in Surin

We returned to Jomtien, and I did probably 2 months more work. She goes out occasionally, not to drink, not to party, just to see friends occasionally, but she’s always there for me and we’re moving really in the right direction. We were never really saving money but not losing money either. And to me, that was the main thing.

That’s when we got married. I’d purposefully taken two weeks off work. It wasn’t paid, but I told them well in advance that I was doing that. I was going to get married. I was going to spend some money on that. I’d already agreed to everything.

It was going to be about 100,000 baht, the cost of the wedding. That included all the food and the drink, the music, the rental of the clothes for the wedding because she wanted special clothes.

We went up to Surin, where she was from, and found it to be an interesting place. We got married, met the family, got all the paperwork signed off, and now I’m married for the first time in my life. And I couldn’t believe it.

A One Bedroom Place in Pratumnak

I did feel, though, once we were married, it was time to move out of that tiny place and get something a bit better. We could afford it. We’d swing things around a bit, and we could afford it. I was earning about $8 an hour, and I could do as many hours as I wanted. So, I think my best month was probably $2,000 at that point, and that felt quite decent, especially for Thailand. It wasn’t enough to save, but we did spend money here and there. If we cut back, we could rent a nicer place.

We decided to look, and we did start looking for the perfect place. It’s not like we needed to rush. We have all day to do this because I work at night and it felt great. There’s nothing happening between us that’s given me any cause for concern. No nasty surprises and nothing like that.

And we found one place right in Pratumnak. It had a pretty decent view as well for 12,000 a month. One bedroom instead of a studio, with a tiny little kitchen area. They had a pool there too, which the other place didn’t. We decided to take it for 12 months, 6 months, sorry, to start with, and see how it goes.

When we moved in there, it felt great, like I’d won in life yet again. And I didn’t know how I felt, but I did feel like I’d won. It was costing more money, but we did swing it, and we were able to live. I was promising her more money, though, like I’d already agreed to. And all the money I made extra, she was getting some, too. And I think based on what I was earning, she was getting about 20,000 a month. I was paying for the rent and everything else. And our lives were being covered by what I was earning.

Six whole months of living there. Not quite 6 months. About 5 months of living there. That was the best point in my life. Everything was great. Everything was perfect. I just couldn’t imagine and couldn’t want for anything else.

Pregnancy and Moving to Her Family’s House

That was when she became pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but I suppose it happens, doesn’t it? She became pregnant and I was nervous, of course I was, because I still had probably £25,000 savings. I actually had that in a foreign currency account in Thailand in pounds, which was a hugely bad idea because it lost value based on what happened around that moment in time. I always kept it like that, feeling like it was the best idea, but it wasn’t. But never mind. Then I had what I was earning, too.

She was pregnant, and I was happy. She seemed to be happy. I felt like, okay, we can probably live for another 3 years in this place and that’s enough. I knew she said that when we have the baby, it has to stay with us in our room because that was Thai. I was good with that. I didn’t mind. Stay here for 3 years and then let’s hopefully if I can earn even more, maybe save a bit more, we can move somewhere better.

After a couple of months, she was getting a bit unwell. She wasn’t 100% well going through the pregnancy. She was always sick, not feeling herself. About 3 months in, she decided to go and spend time with her family who could look after her and I could go up occasionally to see her.

That didn’t last very long because I found I just couldn’t be without her. I wanted to be with her. I went up to the family’s house and installed internet. Luckily, they had it there. I gave up that place in Pattaya, and I started working from the family’s house. The idea was it was only going to be temporary.

We found a decent private hospital in the city for her to go to and we budgeted about 100,000 baht for the pregnancy and the birth. You have to pay for it of course. It’s not like at home. And my whole goal during that time of the pregnancy was to make enough money to save enough to pay for it. So I didn’t dip into savings. That was the goal. And I will say that that is actually what happened.

A Newborn Son and a House in Surin

I’ve been with her for a long time now. We’re married. I believe I’m happy. I’m working really hard. Now we have a newborn son. After the first couple of days of that happening, that’s when the panic sets in because all of a sudden I’ve got another mouth to feed and it’s going to be a multi-decade endeavor.

I felt like we needed to put down some roots because of it. I felt like we needed some kind of security. I felt like we needed to decide. Maybe we should live, maybe live there where we were living. We had family support around, but we need our own place, not have rent to pay, too. We needed security. Or should we go to Pattaya and live there? Perhaps it might be a different life, but we’d always have rent to pay for. We’re always going to have to pay for this and pay for that.

My wife was very indifferent. She was just saying it was up to me all the time. Where did I want to live? She said she didn’t mind. I didn’t mind either, really. I just wanted to be with her. I wanted to be with her more than anything. That was the most important thing. I wanted to be okay, too. And I wanted my son to be okay.

And because of everything, we decided to live in Surin. And because of that, we decided to build ourselves a small place with some of my savings, changed into baht and I actually put a little bit of money in the bank to get my first marriage extension because I was still messing around at that point and that gave me a good feeling.

We spent a bit of money on a house. It was only small, wasn’t fantastic, but it gave us a place to live that was ours. We didn’t have any rent to pay on it and that felt great. I felt amazing by that.

Income and Visa Savings Under Pressure

And because of that, I’m working at this point, still working the same thing. I’ve had this one for a long time and I felt blessed about that and I thought I’d have it forever. I’m still working. My savings total is about 400,000 baht now in the Thai bank for my visa extension. That’s all the money I’ve got in the world. I was making about $2,000 a month in dollars that I earned and we didn’t have much to pay for. I was in panic mode because I’d thought I was secure. But I sort of knew deep down I wasn’t.

I started trying to find other work and I did find something but that one was only $1,000 a month. The problem was she was very accustomed to the amount of money I was giving her, twenty-odd thousand, not understanding that if the money goes down, hers has to go down too.

We had a huge argument about that. Her money can’t go down. She’s already promised money to the family and money for this. I was really shocked. We had our son and he had to come first. Again, I don’t think she understood that.

I found this job when I was working and I had to dip into my visa money to give her money, hoping to find something better.

When I wasn’t working, I was looking for more work and eventually I did find something which topped the income back up, but it had cost me about 100,000 baht in the meantime to get there. But it was okay, happy again, steady away, do what you can do to put money back in for the visa.

Losing My Job When COVID Happened

Life continued. One thing I didn’t think I realized was just how much stress and pressure I was under every single day just to exist. I thought I was happy. I thought I was content with what I was doing.

By the time our son turned two, we’d been together a long time at this point. She’d had so much money out of me and I wasn’t able to save because of that. If she’d just not taken any money from me, we could have probably saved enough for a rainy day. But our son was two and we’re coming up to the start of COVID, not knowing that at the time, of course.

I’m working as normal. He’s probably 2 and a half. I would say, actually, my son at this point was two and a half. When COVID happened, that was when I lost that job and I just couldn’t for the life of me find another one.

I’d managed to top up my visa money just in time for the next extension. I was still away from the next one. The only money we’ve got now to live on is the visa money and that’s it. There’s no more. I’m trying and trying as hard as I can and trying some more to find work.

I think that’s when you realize just how close you were to the edge all that time. You were one bad move away from your life being in total ruins. And the sad thing is my wife wouldn’t take less money. She was adamant. I’m not taking less money. I have things to pay for and things to do. Believing that 400,000 baht would last forever.

After 6 months of not being able to find something, of course, I’d spent next to nothing myself, but she’d had lots of money out of me. I had about 200,000 left. No work. We’re in 2020 and it’s an awful time for everyone. I get that. But I can’t do anything. And I’m panicking and struggling.

No More Money and a Month’s Temporary Work

When I hit 200,000 baht, I told her, “Right, from now on, you can’t have any more money. We have to be very careful until I can find something else.” But she said no again, and I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe that she was so selfish and so self-centered and so caring about her family more than our family.

When she says no, it’s not like just no. She leaves. She goes and stays with the family. She leaves my son with me. And it’s really vindictive. Not nice behavior in any way that you’d want. That’s why I end up caving in all the time.

But this time I couldn’t physically cave in. I couldn’t. Because if I did, the money would have gone down and it would have all gone in 6 months.

I must admit though, I did manage to find something temporarily. I got a month’s gig and that gave me a month’s respite. I’m working the job knowing it’s temporary, knowing that it’s not going to fix any major problems and it’s just ticking things over.

I managed to give her some money with that, which settled things down, but I know I’d lose that because it was only going to be for a month and I couldn’t find something else.

Leaving Thailand With My Son

By 2021, I had 100,000 baht left, a wife who hated me, a son who I loved more than anything and didn’t know how I was going to be able to support, and a new job I’d managed to find, which was going to be $1,500 a month, and that was it. $1,500. My son’s going to be starting school reasonably soon. She’d already decided which school he was going to, a private school in Surin, which wasn’t a lot of money, but it still needed paying for. She decided that’s where he was going and I said, “Well, he can’t have everything.” It was so sad because I loved her and I thought she loved me, but it just didn’t work out that way.

At 100,000 baht, after all that stress and all that strain, with my son needing to start school in 6 months, I gave her a choice. I can’t do this anymore. We need to save money. You can’t have 20,000 baht a month from me anymore. It doesn’t work. She’s going, “Well, I promised my family this, my mother this, my father that.” “What about our son?” I kept saying. We hadn’t been right for a long time then. A long time we hadn’t been right together and it’s like I was her source of income. So that’s what she needs to do. She’s my reason that I can enjoy being with a female and I’ve got my son with her. But what am I meant to do?

We just argued and argued for weeks and months complaining all the time that she wanted money. She’d already promised this to people who she shouldn’t have promised. When we went to see the family, it wasn’t like they seemed to demand it. They seemed to be normal with me, but it wasn’t working. She just didn’t seem to put our son first at all.

What happened, I suppose, was a blessing in one way and negative in another. I thought the only thing that I could do if she wasn’t going to compromise would be to leave her and hope against hope that she would see sense and let me take my son with me.

It was unfortunate, in one sense, because I had to leave Thailand and I had to leave my wife and I don’t have a wife and I don’t have a partner anymore. Sad in that sense, but I left Thailand basically with enough for the plane ticket home for me and my son. Thank God she allowed that to happen.

And I promised that she’d be able to speak with him all the time. I promised we could even stay together. That’s what I said. We can be together and we can try to get you here. Well, where I was going back home. But she was indifferent to that.

Starting Again at Home With My Son

As soon as I got back home though, that was a life-shattering moment. I had to go and stay with a friend with my son. It was life-shattering, embarrassing, too. I was able to make more money there, a lot more. I was able to work. I was able to send him to a better school, give him a better future. And that was the main thing.

As soon as we got back, the first thing I did, I did call my wife, hoping that she would be normal and wait and I’ll sort something out to get her there soon. It might take a year, but it will be sorted out. Do you know what she asked? Oh, can you send me some money? Can you send me some money?

I said, what do you mean? I’ve got our son here and I need to support our son. He has to come first. But no, can you send me some money? I need money for this. I said, no. I haven’t even started work yet. I haven’t found a job yet. I’m staying at my friend’s house. I haven’t found a place to live yet. And you want me to send you some money? Yes. I need 25,000.

The feeling I had of hoping to see her again and of hoping that we could work something out and hoping that we could be a family all of a sudden went to this feeling of complete hatred towards her that she asked for money. The first thing she said when I called her, not how’s our son, not how are you? Not, “Have you found anywhere to live yet?” Not anything you’d expect. Could I have some money?

I didn’t call her. She called me a few times and I answered and spoke and one time I thought she’d understood and she said, “I’m sorry, it was just desperate. I understand.” Then she’s saying, “How’s our son? He’s okay. Can I speak with him?” “Yes.” “What are you doing now?” Whatever it was.

And before the end of the call, I’m just about to think, okay, we’ve moved forwards and we’ve progressed a bit. Oh, I’m sorry, too. I really have to ask if you could send me some money just one time. Just 25,000. I just hung up. I had to. I couldn’t take it anymore. If my son was with her, yes, I would have sent money, but he was with me. She should have sent money to me. But no, that’s how it ended.

My Son Has to Come First

Our lives are not bad at this moment. I’ve got back on my feet, managed to land a good job, and my life is my son, which is the most important thing. That’s what happened to me in Thailand. I love Thailand. I wish I was there now, but my son has to come first. He’s got the benefit of being Thai, too. So, he’ll have the right to live there in the future if he wants to, and I’m thankful that he has that, and he’s getting on with life well.

Life is what it is and will remain to be what it is. I still look back at all the decisions I made and all the stupid mistakes that I made and just look at myself and think, was life really that bad? Was life really that bad that you had to take all those stupid risks?

The only answer, though, if I’m being honest, is yes. Yes, it was. Is life great now? No. But my life doesn’t matter now, does it? Because I have my son. His life matters, so my life doesn’t. Before, when I didn’t have a son, yes, life was so bad that I needed to take that risk.

Would I do it again? Well, no, I wouldn’t because I don’t know what the future will hold for me. I’ve given up on caring about that now. Things will be what they will be, but my son will come first, and that’s the only important thing.