An Older Man’s Thailand Relationship

I am a 58 year old Australian man and have been coming to Thailand for some years now.

I am submitting my story because it’s an ongoing situation and I am searching for some advice on my particular situation, hoping someone can point me in the right direction.

I have listened to a lot of stories on your channel and everyone seems to have a unique story to tell, but one thing that a lot of them have in common is that they involve a bar girl from Thailand.

Well, that is part of it. Another big part is the age difference that me and this bar girl shared.

Meeting Her in 2020

Let me take you back to 2020 when I was visiting Thailand.

Normally, on trips before this one, I had never caught any kind of feelings for someone just went, had fun, and went home.

That has been my normal routine for the previous 3 or 4 trips, and I had a great time doing that.

But this particular trip, I let my guard down, and in some ways, I’m glad because I met a lovely Thai bar girl that helped me out in more ways than I could imagine.

She made me feel loved again, and after going through a divorce twice with 2 Australian women, I hadn’t had this feeling for a woman in a long time.

When the Relationship Became Serious

When we first met, she was a very shy girl, had only been working in the bar for a couple of months, and you could tell by just looking at her that she seemed out of place. I know, I know, a lot of guys claim their girl is different, but I’m just telling you how I felt.

We started talking in the bar, and all I would buy her was lady drinks. We never left the bar together, and she never asked me for any money.

It was a strange feeling because I felt like she did not want to be doing that job. I did not ask if I could fine her out of the bar yes, I’m a bit of a sucker at times.

I practically went to her bar every night just to sit, drink, and talk with her. We struck up quite the friendship.

Some nights, I would even stay until the bar finished and would walk her home, again with nothing more than just a kiss.

Bringing Her Home to My Country

I did something I had never done on my previous trips I gave her my contact details, and she gave me hers. I got along with her that well that I wanted to keep in contact with her when I went back to Australia.

I know it’s a big rule in Thailand to not give a bar girl your contact details, but at that point, she could’ve told me to bark, and I would’ve asked how loud. I was that much drawn to her.

We kept in contact for a few months video calling, messaging and sure enough, things started to develop between us and get a little serious.

It was obvious to me that I had feelings for this girl. Well, that was even obvious for me when I was in Thailand, but I wanted to return again and check these feelings out.

It wasn’t long until I was flying back to Thailand to see this girl I had met in a bar. I know it sounds crazy, but we all have stupid feelings now and again.

Spending Time Away from Pattaya

This trip was mostly spent out of the bars, only ever entering for one or two drinks to pay for her bar fine.

I actually loved it going to the movies, the beach, shopping, and staying in her very, very small room like most Thais do. I have to admit, though, after a couple of nights spent in that tiny box, we got a hotel.

She even introduced me to her friends some that were bar girls and some that weren’t.

Her friends seemed to like me for obvious reasons. She also wanted me to meet her family, but I put that off for another time.

Obviously, I paid for most of the things while we were out, including her bar fine, but she did actually pay for some stuff she wanted while we were shopping.

Discussing the Future Together

Okay, enough about how we met and what we did. Let me get onto the reasons I am submitting my story.

The first serious issue that we had: At the time, I was 54, and she was 21. At first, the age did not really bother me. Yes, it was a huge gap, but I tried to think, if I’m happy, that’s all that matters, right?

But now and again, I would see people staring mainly farangs and I knew exactly what they were thinking, so the age gap started to eat at me more and more.

I did bring this up in conversation with her and asked if she had a problem with it, but she claimed it was fine and perfectly normal in Thailand. Eventually, she got me slightly convinced that it was okay.

My kids back home come before anyone else in my life, so I did open up to them and told them I met a girl with a big age difference. They gave me the okay and to go for it, but it still lingered in the back of my mind.

Her Decision About Children

Regarding children, she did not want any, so all good there because I did not fancy having any more myself either, nor did I want to become a stepfather to anyone.

Now, stating the obvious, the next serious issue is that she was a bar girl working in Pattaya. Of course, that will be cause for concern for anyone.

But like I mentioned, she seemed out of place at the bar and did not really give off the vibe that she was a bar girl. I think she went there thinking it would be quick and easy money but quickly found herself not liking it.

That job is not for everyone, I guess. You need the ability to be able to turn off and think happy thoughts.

She told me she wanted out of that job because she hated it, so we arranged for her to quit her job at the bar and get a normal job.

Helping Her Find Work

We agreed that she would get a job working in a store and leave the bar if I was to pay her 5,000 rent for her condo. That was fine with me, as it really wasn’t that much money.

Other than rent money, she never really asked me for anything a couple thousand baht here and there, but nothing major. She wasn’t materialistic at all.

We also agreed that she would stay in Pattaya rather than move away because that’s where all her friends were, and some of them weren’t even working in the bar.

She actually went through with her promise about not working at the bar again.

I had heard lots of times about guys that have paid their girl out of the bar, only to find out later that she was actually working at the bar all along while he wasn’t around.

Friends and Life in Pattaya

I made some friends in Pattaya that knew we were in a relationship, so I asked them for a favor. They checked several times if she was at the bar, and fortunately, she wasn’t.

Our relationship carried on growing, and we became a lot more serious, talking about future plans and even marriage.

I loved every minute of being with her, and even when we were doing the whole long distance relationship thing, we would always find time to call each other at least once a day.

I was in love, as was she, and our relationship was going strong.

Things were going so well that I told all my friends and family about her. Some of them were skeptical, so I wanted them to meet her in person. And that’s exactly what happened.

Facing the Age Difference

I mean, with her being a lot younger than me, a bar girl, and from Thailand, they had every reason to be skeptical.

I invited her to come to Australia and stay with me for 3 months so she had a chance to meet everyone and see how we live and most importantly, see if she likes it.

Luckily for me, she absolutely loved it here, and my friends and family took a shine to her and loved her too.

However, even though things went great, every time we had company, I couldn’t help but think they are judging the age difference. I kept pushing those thoughts to the back of my mind, thinking it was nothing.

When she went home, she kept telling me she missed me and missed staying in Australia with me. We spoke about her moving to Australia for good and starting a life together.

The Relationship Takes a Major Turn

Here is where things took a massive turn: It is not easy to bring someone to Australia permanently, and back then, the only proper option really was a marriage visa.

At that point, marriage is something I was not interested in again because I had already gone through a divorce not once but twice.

Yeah, I had spoken about marriage to her in the past, but only because she brought it up, and I did not want to act like I did not care. But I thought it was just sweet talk for her, and she did not really consider it.

But now, it seemed that this was our only option to get her here with me. So eventually, I agreed because even though I did not fancy getting married again, I did love her and want her here with me.

So just like that, she came back to Australia, and within 2 months, we had tied the knot now husband and wife.

Moving Too Quickly

It was crazy how things moved so fast, but at the time, I liked it, and I guess it was what I wanted a future with her.

She soon was allowed to work in Australia and got a job at our local supermarket and began our life together.

We practically did everything together go out together, shop together. Basically, when we weren’t working, we were with each other.

Of course, I liked spending time with her, but she wasn’t making friends. She just wanted to be around me all the time.

I insisted almost forced her to go out and make friends and told her that she did not have to stay with me all the time. I was not going anywhere.

The Age Gap Becomes a Problem

Other than the age difference issue bugging away at me (not a lot, but still there), there were no other problems.

She did all the cooking, looked after me a lot, made sure I was always okay, cleaned the house from top to bottom, and regarding being faithful, I trusted her a million percent.

Now, we are 4 years into our relationship, and things just feel off now.

Nothing has really changed or gone wrong, but she is very dependent on me for literally everything.

Don’t get me wrong she’s a great wife and partner, and I want to protect her and live up to my vows. That’s why I’m looking for advice, really.

Trying to Understand What Went Wrong

I am trying to think of the best way to explain my issue, but all I can really think of to explain it is it’s like a father/daughter relationship now, if that makes sense?

Having never been a mother herself and still fairly young, she has a lot of energy way more than me and she relies on me for everything. She has become very needy at times.

The age gap between us is now more evident than ever. She’s still an energetic young woman with a lot of life in her, and I’m an old man getting on a bit.

Recently, I had a meeting with a woman to discuss some possible business together with the company I work for.

This woman was 53, very mature, and easy to have a decent conversation with both business and in general.

Meeting for Dinner Again

We met at a restaurant for dinner, and the plan was nothing more than a business meeting, but we hit it off right away.

She was very attractive, both inside and outside, but her personality is what really got my attention.

We stayed talking for hours even after we had discussed business, we carried on in the restaurant, drinking wine and talking about whatever came up.

She was very flirty with me, and I was very flirty with her. There was a little bit of chemistry, and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was connecting with someone on my wavelength.

I have never cheated on my wife and don’t think I ever would. In fact, that is the first woman I’ve flirted with since meeting my wife.

Leaving After the Night Together

After the night finished and we left as the restaurant was closing, I was left thinking, *What had just happened?* My mind was going crazy.

It took me a while to figure out, but finally, I realized it was the mature conversation that we had.

I hadn’t had a conversation like that with a woman in a long time. It was refreshing to have that type of connection.

This lady was very well mannered, divorced, had kids of her own, very business minded, and we had a lot in common.

Now, at no point was I even thinking about cheating on my wife, but I would be lying if I said I was not very much attracted to this woman.

Meeting Again After Two Weeks

A couple of weeks later, and we met again to go over some more business. From the very start of us meeting, there was tension in the air.

Once again, as business chat finished, we ordered a bottle of wine and carried on the night talking and flirting.

Maybe it was in our tipsy state, but we came out and said that we find each other attractive, but we couldn’t cross the line. She knew full well I was married, though I don’t know if that would have stopped her.

That night, I went home about 1 a.m., even though I told my wife I would be back around 9 p.m. after the meeting.

Once I walked in, all hell broke loose. She started ranting and raving first about me being late and what the hell I had been up to, second, she said I was too old to be out until this time, and finally, if the insults about my age weren’t enough, she went onto request money to send to her family.

Pressure from Her Family

She said that her family had been bothering her for money, but she did not want to put it on me, even though we had been helping them out every month with more than enough.

From then on, she started to change a lot becoming more demanding for money, wanting credit cards, all of a sudden she hated Australia and wished we could move back to Thailand near her family.

Although I do not think she would be unfaithful, she did meet some friends and started going out a lot more at the weekends and after work.

She told me she did not like Australian people and how Thailand was so different. At one point, she even wanted me to have Botox because she said I look too old in public with her. That hurt when she said that.

She kept asking when we could move back to Thailand, how much money I had saved to move there, and wanted me to buy land and a house there.

Worrying About Growing Older

I am an older man, getting on in life, but I’m not stupid enough to buy land in Thailand in someone else’s name. That is where I draw the line.

I now knew that I made a mistake marrying this woman.

I’m not looking for sympathy. I don’t even blame her for what has happened it was my choice, and it’s my mistake, not hers.

I now realize that the age difference problem that was eating at me I should not have ignored it in the first place. It’s just too much. And in a few more years, it will be even worse. An age gap is not something that gets better in time.

I realize, after spending time with the woman that I had the meeting with, that sort of attraction is what I want now. It’s not just all about how beautiful the woman is on the outside.

Admiring Her Maturity

I was totally attracted to her maturity and mindset the way I could have an adult conversation with her. It was deeper than just physical attraction.

I am not getting what I want from my wife, and in all fairness, she isn’t getting what she wants either.

I’m starting to think she might be better off with someone her age learning to be independent and a life without me.

It’s like we are on separate paths in our life now, and this relationship feels more like something we have to keep going along with.

With all that said, I do love my wife dearly. She really is a great person, and I think she would make a fantastic wife for the right man. Sadly, I’m starting to think that man is not me.

Understanding Her Frustration

I don’t blame her at all, like I said. She just did what most women would do in her position she wanted a way out of the bar life, better opportunities, and a way out of poverty.

I do not think that is the only reason she married me to get out of Thailand. I honestly believed she loves me and wanted to marry me, but I think me being an easy ticket out of that life played a big part in it.

I still trust her a million percent. I don’t think for one minute she would cheat on me or go off with another man, no matter how bad our relationship got. She’s very honest, trustworthy, and all in all, a good girl.

But that spark that we first had it’s disappearing. I would like to do something to change that, something that will reignite the spark between us. I don’t think I want it to get to the stage where I don’t care about our relationship anymore and just let it fade. The keyword there is *think*.

I don’t want us to break up, and she thinks that she has to go back to her old ways to survive and ends up back in a run down bar in the middle of Pattaya.

Caring for Her Despite the Problems

I care for her a lot and love her even more. I want to see her go far in life and evolve, like I did my own daughter. Like I said, that’s how the relationship feels now no romance, but it feels like I’m bringing her up like a daughter in a way.

Nowadays, I don’t want to go down the pub on a Friday night with her. I’m more than happy on the sofa watching a movie or reading a book. Yes, I’m a boring old man now.

She wants to go out at the weekends, wants to travel, explore, do things that 99% of her friends and family will never do, but I just don’t have it in me anymore.

Romance is dying down, bedroom time is practically non existent… It feels like we have been together years and years and are now an old couple. The only problem is, we have only been together a few years, and only one of us is old.

I know she will get bored and fed up with our situation eventually, and I don’t want her to feel trapped as if she has no way out of this relationship.

Considering What Comes Next

As bad as it sounds, I wouldn’t mind if she turned around to me and asked for a divorce, moved out, or went back to Thailand.

I guess then I wouldn’t feel as bad as I would if it was me doing the breaking up, and at least then, she would be happy starting a new chapter in her life.

All I know about Thai culture is what she has shown me. Will she be ridiculed by her family and friends if we break up? Will they be disappointed that she has left a marriage and gotten a divorce? The last thing I want is for anything bad to happen to her I still want her protected.

Is there any way I can get our marriage back on track and get the spark back between us? It’s just hard to do that because the age difference doesn’t change, so no matter how hard I work at the relationship, the age difference will be there.

Trying Not to Be Cold Hearted

I don’t want to be cold hearted and tell her to pack her bags and leave just because I’m not feeling the relationship anymore.

Is it best to just put my feelings aside and go on in this relationship and hope for the best?

I don’t think she is happy either, and I can see her getting frustrated day by day. I want that to change if it means doing something to make us work or, unfortunately, getting a divorce. I don’t want her to be unhappy.