I Thought My Thai Girlfriend Had Stopped Freelancing

My name is Travis. I’m 44 and from southern Louisiana, and I’ve worked in oil and gas for most of my adult life. My work schedule was pretty crazy back then. I’d work long rotations, make good money, then disappear somewhere for a few weeks when I was off. Thailand became my place.

I first met May in Bangkok. She was 32. I knew she was a freelancer from the first night, so nobody needed to explain that part to me. We met in a bar around Nana. I bought her a drink, we started talking, and she came back to my hotel. That was supposed to be it: a transaction, with no confusion. I paid her the next morning and figured I’d never see her again.

Then she asked what I was doing that evening. I said I didn’t know, so she suggested a restaurant. I assumed she was trying to get another night out of me. She said, “No work. You just buy food.” So we had dinner, and then she came back to the hotel anyway. I offered her money the following morning, but she wouldn’t take it. That confused me.

I stayed in Bangkok another nine days and saw her most of them. Sometimes she went out to work. Sometimes she stayed with me. I didn’t ask any questions. When I flew home, we exchanged LINE IDs. For the first year or so, that was basically our arrangement. I came to Thailand, messaged May, and met her if she was in Bangkok. Sometimes we’d spend three days together, and sometimes two weeks. When I wasn’t there, she did whatever she did. I wasn’t paying her an allowance, and she wasn’t pretending she worked in a bank. It was probably the least complicated relationship I had had in years.

A Casual Arrangement Becomes a Relationship

Then things started changing without either of us actually discussing it. On my fourth or fifth trip, May left clothes in my hotel room. On the next trip, she met me at the airport. Then she started staying the whole time I was in Thailand. I stopped paying her by the day. Instead, I gave her money before I left: 20,000, 30,000, and once 50,000 Thai Baht. There wasn’t a formula. If we’d had a good trip and I’d spent three weeks with her, I would help her out. She never called it payment, and neither did I.

That distinction became important later. May had a daughter who lived with her mother in Roi Et. I’d known about the girl almost from the beginning. Eventually, May asked if I wanted to meet her, and I said no. At that point, I still saw May as somebody I spent time with in Thailand. Meeting her child felt like crossing into something else. She didn’t push it.

Meeting May’s Daughter in Roi Et

About six months later, I changed my mind. We went to Roi Et for four days. Her daughter was nine years old and a sweet kid. Her mother was suspicious of me, which I actually appreciated. There was no parade because the foreign boyfriend had arrived, and no one asked me for money. Her mother mostly ignored me. By the end of the trip, she was at least willing to put food in front of me, so I considered that progress.

After that, May and I were basically a couple, at least as far as I was concerned. I still worked overseas, she still lived in Bangkok, and I started sending her 20,000 Thai Baht most months.

The understanding, as far as I was concerned, was that she wasn’t freelancing anymore. I need to be careful here. May never actually said, “I promise I will never work again.” What she said was, “If you take care of me, I don’t need to go with customer.” I heard that as the same thing. Maybe it was, or maybe it wasn’t. By then, we’d known each other for well over a year, and for roughly another year and a half, things carried on like that.

Discovering May Was Freelancing Again

Then I lost my job. Oil and gas can be like that. One week you’re working crazy hours and making more money than you know what to do with. The next week, somebody calls a meeting and half the people are gone. I had savings and wasn’t in trouble, but I suddenly had no reason to stay home.

May knew I’d lost the job. What she didn’t know was that I’d booked a flight to Thailand. I hadn’t originally planned to catch her doing anything. I thought it would be funny to surprise her. I landed in Bangkok on a Friday evening, got to my hotel, showered, and slept for a few hours. Around 10:00 that night, I went out and messaged May. There was no reply, which was not unusual.

I walked towards Nana, and about 20 minutes later, I saw her sitting outside a bar with two other Thai women and a foreign man. My stomach dropped. She wasn’t kissing him or sitting on his lap. They were drinking and talking, but I knew what I was looking at. I had been that guy.

I walked over. May saw me and went completely white. The foreign man looked at me as if I’d interrupted his dinner, and one of May’s friends started laughing. I asked May what she was doing. She said she was talking, so I said, “Don’t give me that.” The man asked if there was a problem. I told him no, because none of it was his fault.

May and I walked away, and I was furious. She was angry too, which I wasn’t expecting. She asked why I had come without telling her, and I asked why that mattered. She said she needed to know. Then I asked the obvious question: “Are you working again?” She would not answer properly, but eventually she said, “Sometimes.” That one word hit me hard. I asked how long, and she said maybe three months. I asked why, and she said she needed money. I reminded her that I was sending her 20,000 Thai Baht every month.

The Money Argument Over 35,000 Thai Baht

May told me that 20,000 Thai Baht was not enough, and that turned into a huge argument. I told her that if it wasn’t enough, she could have told me, but she said she had. Then she pulled up old messages. They were not clear, and not written in the way I wanted them to be, but there were messages: “School more expensive now. My mother need money this month. I have problem with the room. 20,000 difficult.”

I’d replied with things like, “Sorry, babe, things are expensive everywhere.” or “We will deal with it when I get there.” Once, I had sent an extra 5,000 Thai Baht. In my head, she was complaining. In her head, she was telling me she couldn’t survive on what I was sending.

I asked why she didn’t just say she was going back to freelancing. She looked at me as if I was stupid because I was angry. She wasn’t wrong about that either. I asked how many customers she had had, but she wouldn’t tell me. That made everything worse.

I spent that night alone. The next morning, she came to my hotel and we argued again. I said that we’d agreed she wasn’t working. She said we had agreed that I would take care of her. There it was: two people in the same relationship with completely different versions of the contract.

I thought 20,000 Thai Baht meant she was my girlfriend and was not freelancing. She thought not freelancing depended on me giving her enough money that she didn’t have to. I asked what enough meant. She said 35,000 Thai Baht.

That number annoyed me because she hadn’t said it before. Then I found out she had borrowed money as well. Not huge amounts. Her rent was behind, her daughter’s school costs had gone up, and her mother needed dental work. There were a few other things. Nothing dramatic, just normal life.

Different Expectations About Their Relationship

I ended up staying in Thailand for six weeks. May didn’t move into my hotel. We didn’t have some big reconciliation. We’d meet for coffee, argue, have dinner, and argue again. One night, we would get along perfectly. The next day, one of us would bring up the man at the bar, and we would be back to square one.

I also had to admit something I really didn’t want to admit. I’d liked our arrangement when it suited me. When I was working, I could disappear for months. May wasn’t allowed to ask too many questions. I didn’t want pressure, marriage talk, or to meet her daughter at first. I wanted everything relaxed.

Somewhere along the way, I decided she was my girlfriend and started expecting girlfriend rules. I’m not sure I ever clearly told her when that happened. But I’m also not letting myself completely off the hook. She knew exactly how I’d feel if I saw her with customers again. That’s why she didn’t tell me. Whatever explanation she gives, she hid it.

Before I flew home, she asked me what we were doing. I genuinely didn’t know. I asked her if she would stop freelancing if I sent her 35,000 Thai Baht per month, and she said yes. That answer made me feel worse because suddenly we were negotiating again. It sounded exactly like the first night we’d met, just with much bigger numbers.

I didn’t agree, and I didn’t end things either. I flew home.

What Happened After Three Years

That was eight months ago. By that point, May and I had known each other for about three years. We still talk, although not every day. I’m working again now, although not for the same money I was earning before. I don’t send her a monthly allowance anymore. Sometimes I help with something for her daughter.

She still works freelance, as far as I know. She doesn’t hide that from me now. I’m going back to Thailand in November this year, and I will probably see her.

I don’t think May spent three years running some elaborate scam. If that was the plan, she wasn’t very good at it. But I don’t believe the whole thing was an innocent misunderstanding either. There were times when she deliberately let me believe something because the truth would have caused trouble. I did some of that myself.

For years, I told myself it was casual because that meant I didn’t have to make any promises. Then, when I finally wanted it to be serious, I assumed we’d somehow already made them. I’m not marrying her, I’m definitely not rescuing her, and I’m not sending 35,000 Thai Baht a month. I’m also definitely not pretending that I know what’s going to happen next.

I’ll probably have a beer with her when I get back to Bangkok. After that, I have no idea.