My Thai Girlfriend’s Family Thought I Was an Expert…

My Thai girlfriend’s family currently think I’m an expert on pigs. I’m not. I was a plumber in Brisbane for 38 years. The closest I’ve ever come to farming was growing tomatoes badly.

This started because I’ve got a terrible habit of pretending I understand Thai when I don’t. I’ve been coming to Thailand for about 9 years and can speak enough Thai to order food, ask directions, and have a basic conversation. The problem is people hear me say a few sentences and assume I’m fluent. Then they speak normally and I’ve got no bloody idea what’s happening. Instead of admitting this, I sometimes nod. This is important.

My girlfriend, Yuwi, is from Udon Thani. We’ve been together a bit over 2 years. I spend about 5 months of the year here now. Yuwi runs a building supply shop with her brother. She’s 50, I’m 64. I lost my wife 12 years ago and never expected to be in another serious relationship, but here we are.

Thai Girlfriend’s Family Think I’m an Expert on Pigs

Yuwi’s family have always been good to me, her older brother especially. His name is Prasert. Prasert has some land outside the city and keeps pigs. Not thousands of them, maybe 20 or 30. A few months ago, we were all eating outside his house.

Prasert started asking me something in Thai. I understood maybe half. There was something about Australia, something about pigs, something about hot weather. I thought he was asking whether Australia had pig farms, so I said yes, lots. Then he asked another question. I didn’t understand it. I nodded. Another question, I nodded again.

Yuwi was inside with her mother. Nobody there spoke much English. Prasert suddenly looked very pleased. He shook my hand. No idea why. On the drive home, I mentioned it to Yuwi. She asked what we talked about. I said pigs. She said, “What about pigs?” I said I wasn’t completely sure. She just looked at me.

Prasert’s Australian Pig Farm Ventilation Project

Two weeks later, Prasert called me. Video call. He was standing inside some sort of shed. He turned the camera around. New fans had been installed along one wall. Then he showed me pipes spraying mist. He looked very proud. I said it looked good.

He asked something. I heard the word Australia again. So naturally, like an idiot, I gave him a thumbs-up. About a month passed. Yuwi and I went back to visit. The pig area looks completely different. More shade, fans, a water system, and some new concrete.

I asked Yuwi what was going on. She said, “Your idea.” Sorry? What idea? Apparently, during that first conversation, Prasert had been asking me about cooling systems used on Australian pig farms. I hadn’t told him Australia had pig farms. I’d apparently told him I knew about them.

The Australian System and 70,000 Baht

The second question I’d nodded at was whether fans would help. The third was whether misting water would help. I’d basically approved an agricultural ventilation project without understanding a word of it. I told Yuwi I’d understood maybe 50% of the conversation. She stared at me for about 5 seconds. Then she started.

Prasert came over. Yuwi explained. He didn’t laugh. He looked. He’d spent nearly 70,000 baht. Now I felt awful. I offered to give him the money. He refused. Wouldn’t take anything. He wasn’t angry, either. He was embarrassed because he’d been telling people his Australian brother-in-law knew about farm ventilation.

I’m not even his brother-in-law. We’re not married. Apparently, I’ve been promoted. Then things got worse. One of Prasert’s neighbors arrived. He also keeps pigs. He wanted to see the Australian system. The Australian system.

I’m standing there looking at a few fans and garden misting nozzles thinking, “Please don’t ask me anything.” The neighbor starts asking questions. I immediately said, “Sorry, my Thai not good.” Bit late for honesty.

The 10,000 Baht Consultant Fee

Yuwi nearly wet herself. Anyway, I assumed that was the end of it. It wasn’t. A few weeks later, Prasert sends me numbers, temperatures, feed costs, something about weight. I sent them to Yuwi. She explains that since installing everything, the pigs seem to be eating better during the hottest part of the day.

He’s convinced my system works. My system. I Googled pig cooling for the first time that night. Turns out ventilation and misting actually are used to reduce heat stress in pigs. Pure luck. I told Yuwi. She said, “See? You expert.” She’s enjoying this far too much.

Last month, Prasert sold several pigs. He came to our place afterwards and brought me two bottles of whiskey. Then he handed me an envelope, 10,000 baht. I wouldn’t take it. He kept insisting. Eventually, Yuwi told me why. It was my consultant fee. I have never laughed so much in my life. I gave the money back, kept the whiskey.

Now, whenever we visit, Prasert introduces me to people and says something in Thai, followed by Australia. I know exactly what he’s telling them, and I’ve learned my lesson. Last Sunday, his neighbor asked me something about chickens. I understood almost every word. Still said I didn’t understand. Not getting caught twice.