Failed Relationships with Thai Women
Although this story dates back some time, I thought I’d share it because there might be someone out there in the same situation I found myself in many years ago in Thailand. I had a good friend who lived in Phuket. He had a few bars over the years, all known by the name of Diver’s Place. And I met many expats while sitting around the table of knowledge in the late afternoon enjoying a cold drink as the sun set by the beach side. Some of the stories shared were the misfortune of some foreign men and their failed relationships with Thai women.
Most were taken to the cleaners and or they were involved with Thai women who had serious gambling issues or were having affairs with other men. And the only person who wasn’t aware of the issue was the guy paying for the relationship. In some cases, with more than just money, it was their sanity and mental health. You have to remember that back in the 1990s, there was no YouTube and the internet was only just in its infancy. So, there was no way you could get the information that was shared through some of these sessions other than being in the country and hearing it firsthand from expats who had lived through them or had heard of them firsthand.
All of these discussions really reverberated with me and planted the seed in regard to future relationships with Thai women. And even back then, the three-day rule was widely endorsed by the people who were living there and seeing it firsthand. Now that I reflect, this was the mantra that I live by and made me so cautious when getting involved with Thai women. It may have impacted my decision-making further into this story. I’ve been going to Thailand for over 30 years.
My first trip was when I was 19 and I haven’t looked back since. In all my more than 50 visits, and as mentioned, I’ve seen and heard plenty of horror stories about go-go guys falling in love with Thai bar girls. I’ve heard similar ones while sitting around the table of knowledge with my expat friends, as mentioned. Many of my friends and I work for an airline, so we travel for virtually nothing and literally had the world at our fingertips. Yet, we always gravitated back to the land of smiles.
I’ve probably traveled there with over 20 colleagues and close friends over the years. This gives one an idea of how differently we all think when it comes to romance and how differently people act when they suddenly get some female attention and become a 2-week millionaire. As so many people refer to it when holidaying in a country where your money goes a lot further than it does in your homeland. Some of the guys couldn’t seem to talk to or attract women at home, but were like rockstars the moment they stepped off the plane in Bangkok. It was kind of a false economy for some of the guys I traveled with, and some understood that while others got caught up in the moment and the illusion of reality that was the norm back in our home country, I know many people talk themselves up, but I never had issues with women back home and even had flings with farang women over the years in Thailand.
I definitely caught the Thai fever. I spend most of my time back home saving for my next trip rather than chasing local women or wasting money on big nights out chasing tail.
Phuket Was Always Our Destination
Although we often stayed a night in Bangkok in transit, Phuket was always our destination. My first visit was in 1991 and it was during Songkran, which we knew nothing about and we planned to be there for the festival. But what a blast. Once the water fight started and a random woman poured a bucket of ice cold water over my head, it was game on. We had the time of our lives.
I’d start with 10-day trips and by the time I was in my single guy phase, I’d eventually stay for 5 weeks at a time and visit at least twice a year. So many stories of fun times and misfortunes have accumulated in this time. Over the years, I had plenty of flings with bar girls. Some I really connected with, but I never fell in love. I was young, having too much fun and didn’t want to be tied down.
Back then, a lot of the girls we’d bring into our group enjoyed the fun just as much as we did, as well as getting paid. Some of the girls were happy just to hang out and not ask for any money. I was often jokingly called tight ass because I would only pay 500 baht for a long time, whereas others paid 1,000 baht, as I believe this was the going rate way back then. But our group stuck to our guns and most girls agreed because we treated them well and covered all other expenses and they were having fun and getting something in return for their time as well. From what I’m hearing these days, 1,000 baht wouldn’t even get you the bar fine and the ladies now all have the benefit of the technology age, where there are dating websites and contact is much easier with smartphones.
They can put their price out there and have things locked in advance without having to wait for a partner to come along and do the hard yards of negotiating and could even have their weeks planned out well in advance. On one trip, I arrived a week before friends and went into a bar in Patong to watch a rugby league game. I ended up meeting an expat from my country. This is the friend mentioned at the start of the story. We realized we were from the same area back home and even had mutual acquaintances.
His name was Ian, known by most of his nickname Diver. He told me he owned a bar on a beach north of Patong and invited me over for a beer and a swim. He was married to a Thai woman, Toey, and lived in a nearby Muslim village. That side of the island was tolerant of alcohol as long as it was discreet and I’m quite relaxed and respectful about people and their religions, beliefs, and values as long as they stay in their lane and don’t force it upon me. Over the years, Ian became well-known in the expat community and I met a lot of people through him.
It turned out he was a bit of an urban legend among the expats.
A Potential Thai Wife
As I grew tired of the bright lights and ping-pong shows of Patong, I spent more and more time on the quieter part of the island with the odd trip over to Patong. That’s where my story with a potential Thai wife began. Staying out of Patong back in the late ’90s, you could be in a totally different country. There were no lady bars, very few tourists staying in the area, and most of the foreigners were either retired expats or people working around the island. It was quite relaxing and you always had the option of going over the hill if you felt like a night out in the bright lights.
One trip, I walked down Diver’s bar. It was open, but Ian and Toey weren’t there yet. Behind the bar was the most beautiful young woman I’d ever laid my eyes on. She spoke good English and told me her name was Ta. I later learned she was 19 and from a local village.
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. When Ian arrived, I immediately asked about her. Was she single? Was she local? What was her story?
At the time, I was only 24 and not really looking to settle down, but I was over the bar girl scene and open to something real. Tar was studying tourism at university and aiming for a career in hotel management. Her mother was a friend of Toey‘s and worked as a golf caddy. This becomes more relevant later. Over the years Toey had tried to play matchmaker for me, usually with women much older than I was, which became a bit of a banter between the two of us over the years.
But this time she could tell I was genuinely interested in her. So she helped me set up a date at a local restaurant for the following evening. I arrived at the restaurant early and asked for a seat near the front so I could see her arrive. She eventually did, but with a friend, a chaperone. It made things awkward at first, but as the night went on we relaxed and enjoyed the evening.
This was long before smartphones, Facebook, WhatsApp, or any easy way to stay in touch. She didn’t even have a mobile phone.
Letters and Visits to Phuket
Over the years we kept in contact through letters, occasional calls to the bar, and by me returning every 8 months for a 5-week stay. On this original trip where we met and for the first couple of weeks we had several more dates, always with a chaperone, once even her 17-year-old brother. I found it frustrating because I wanted alone time to understand who she was, what she wanted from life, and whether we were on the same path. I spoke to Toey who explained that Tar was Muslim and that things were different. If I wanted alone time I’d need to meet the parents first, since Tar‘s mother was a caddy and I played a fair bit of golf, I arranged a round at the golf club where her mother worked hoping she’d be assigned to me.
Toey had let me know her caddy number, so I made a request for that caddy when I paid for the round at the pro shop. She wasn’t available, but when we finished our game the bush drums must have been beating and she was waiting at the clubhouse. Her English was limited, my Thai was basic, and the interaction was awkward, but it paid dividends later. We, as mentioned, kept in touch, and I always made sure she was aware of my planned visits, so that she could work around this with time away from her job, or when she could juggle her education commitments, so we could maximize time together.
Tar’s Family and Phuket
As the relationship deepened, and several trips later, we eventually became intimate, and she began staying overnight. Tar later got a job at one of the local hotel resorts on the north side of the island. This was part of her uni degree, and I guess a type of work experience. So, the days of seeing her at the beach were gone. When she worked, she stayed with her parents, and I’d spend the days with expat friends at the beach or golfing.
Life in Phuket was great, and I even considered relocating and running a business there. I felt that if I were to do that, I needed a good woman beside me, and Tar was all of that. Beautiful, caring, quiet, responsible, and not from the bar scene. My parents later visited Phuket and loved her. My dad is a fisherman, so I hired a local boat out for the day of island hopping and fishing.
I invited Tar to come along. It was with my father and several other friends. Tar brought her brother and a friend, the same girl from our first date. Since they couldn’t swim, the captain gave them life jackets, so that they could enjoy the water like we were. It ended up being a great day.
My parents adored her, and really endorsed the relationship, which was another tick in the box for me.
The Engagement Ceremony
A few trips later, one of my good friends had moved to Phuket to work as a chef in a hotel. With him there, and my feelings having progressed with Tar to really wanting her to be my forever partner, I thought it was a good time to propose. I asked Toey what I needed to do things properly. She explained I needed to buy a ring and a bracelet, and present them in front of her parents. So, off I went to Phuket Town to a jeweler that Toey had recommended and bought the ring and a bracelet.
At the time, I think it set me back about $1,500. I was catching up with Tar after her work had finished on a Friday afternoon and we were going for dinner at a local restaurant where we had our first date. I asked Tar if she’d marry me and she agreed. We were both really excited about taking the next step in our relationship journey. Part of the ritual was for us to organize a small engagement ceremony at her parents’ house.
This was going to be the following weekend to give everyone time to get everything sorted out. Well, the day rolled around. I can remember being quite nervous, although I had met her entire family. I still didn’t know what to expect and how this was all meant to unfold. I really was flying blind, apart from some advice that Toey had given me, and Toey was there so she could sort of give me a heads-up on the steps I needed to take.
As we worked through everything, everything was going fine. I continued on with my part of the deal and put the engagement ring on her finger. Her smile was beaming. I had a feeling that is hard to explain, but I guess it was the closest thing to paradise that I’d ever felt previously in my life. After the ceremony, her parents had prepared a large spread of Thai food and a lot of locals from the village were popping in and out, paying their respects and checking me out, I guess.
It was a nice afternoon and we were both beaming, although some of the things that went down I didn’t really quite understand.
Requests for Money and Family Issues
As the years went on, we maintained the long-distance relationship by sending letters, sometimes with cash inside. It wasn’t a lot for me, but for a Thai family back then, it was almost a month’s wage. Soon, I began receiving requests for money, a motorbike for work, family issues, etc. I don’t know whether this came from Tar or pressure from her parents. She always reassured me she was with me for the right reasons and we had planned on getting married and her applying for a visa to come out and live with me until we decided where we would eventually settle down and build a family together.
Although in hindsight my mind was working overtime about whether this whole scenario was right for me.
The Final Turning Point
The final turning point came during a dinner at her family home and Albanian guy showed up. Since the first time I met him I had found out he was married to a close friend of Tar‘s mother and lived in a few houses down from them. He asked me whether I drank alcohol. I didn’t respond to that question and felt really uneasy with the interaction with this guy. This had been the second time that he had ambushed me and made the situation awkward with me looking for a corner to hide in.
I later asked Tar what this meant and she explained it meant forbidden. I felt extremely uncomfortable. I was the only Farang there and although Tar supported me this guy made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. Who was he to butt into our life just because of his religion? I was scared of the expectations he represented.
I didn’t know if he was testing me, trying to convert me or if I was imagining it. But that was my breaking point. I knew it may soon sound shallow of me but looking back as I know now, this was the tipping point for me and although we continued on with our relationship past this hiccup it was the beginning of the end for me and I was looking for an exit ramp. I kept coming back and staying in touch with Tar. I was in love and love really is blind I guess and for some reason I managed to move past the previous interactions that made me feel uncomfortable.
The requests for money I could understand to some degree as I was living a much better life than what she and her family were living and if I could afford to support her in any way that brought some more comfort into her life then why not? I guess what eventually wore me down was the interactions in the back of my mind with the Albanian guy, the cultural difference and the fact that I really did enjoy sitting down with friends and having a beer and a chat to catch up. I know that this was probably not off the table with Tar, but I was just concerned that someday this may be a subject that may be brought up in one way or another.
Ending the Relationship with Tar
It was the next trip when I met an expat woman who was working in Phuket and we really hit it off and had so much in common. Nothing happened during the first few meetings, but one night we bumped into each other in a bar restaurant and had a few drinks and one thing led to another and we ended up spending the night together. I knew the next day that I had done the wrong thing and could have easily blamed the alcohol, but really deep down I had realized that my relationship with Tar had run its course. She had no idea about what had happened and I could have kept it secret and pretended it had never happened and she would have been none the wiser. I also didn’t want to hurt her by telling her what had happened and that this was the reason for me wanting out of our relationship, but I knew that it was the end and I needed to break it off.
I had arranged for us to catch up for a dinner a few nights before my indiscretion and kept that date, but it had changed from being a happy catch up to heartbreak for both of us. This was the conversation that I had dreaded and was so nervous about for the entire day and half leading up to it. I knew that this would cause a lot of loss of face for Tar after everything we had done together to celebrate our love for each other with her now having to tell everyone in her family and village that it had ended. I can’t say that this was the proudest moment of my life and it did end in tears for both of us. Ending it with Tar was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done to this day.
I don’t know if it was the right decision, but I couldn’t pretend I couldn’t live a life that required me to change so much of who I was. If I reflect on the past, it was probably those horror stories I’d heard around the table of knowledge that clouded my judgement. And when certain things were mentioned or asked for during our relationship, they were instant red flags and I was scared of being just another statistic of the Thai man’s failures. 12 years later, I ran into her with a mutual friend’s restaurant. She looked fantastic, had two young kids and a Thai husband.
I have two kids myself now. We had a moment to reflect and I’m glad she found happiness and a family. Ending this relationship didn’t harm her life path and she clearly found where she’s meant to be. Looking back, I’m still not sure whether it was fear of being used or fear of change. I think it was the fear of changing too much for love.
I know many will feel this is a shallow excuse and an easy way out for me, but being young and not knowing what I know today, I have to live with that decision. I’m just glad that things worked out for her in Thailand with a husband and her family.
Story 2 Ming in Soi Cowboy
I have been coming to Thailand annually for the last 19 years and have pretty much seen it all. I have traveled the land length and breadth of the country, learned to speak the language to a good standard, and must have become intimately acquainted with probably a hundred Thai women of various backgrounds. Nowadays, I’m 46, married with kids, and though working as a consultant in the oil and gas sector, I still visit Southeast Asia regularly and live in the UK. This story goes back to when I was 29 or 30 years old, and still to this day, I’m mystified about the circumstances. Back around 2009, I was single, good-looking, and thanks to working in the offshore oil industry, I had plenty of time and money in my pockets.
Thailand was the obvious choice. In those days, there was no LINE or WhatsApp, and most smartphones were still relatively new. Most of the time, if you wanted to meet a Thai girl in Bangkok, you had three choices. Spend time in shopping malls, coffee shops, bars, and nightclubs. Hit the go-go bars, Queen’s Park, Thermea, places like Climax or Mix.
Or early social media sites like MySpace. On this particular trip, my usual wingman had pulled out at the last minute. We’d spent weeks planning to head down to Koh Samet and Koh Chang, but suddenly I was traveling alone. I’d done one solo trip to Thailand before, but this one felt different. Two weeks is a long time when you’ve got nobody to spend time with.
I remember feeling a mixture of excitement and apprehension. I hadn’t flown halfway around the world to spend my evenings sitting alone in bars. So, before long, I decided I needed to find someone to share my trip with. On my first day, I did what I’d done on countless previous trips. I wandered around Nana Plaza, drifting from bar to bar, chatting to girls, buying the occasional lady’s drink, and having some fun.
Back then, the exchange rate was around 60 baht to the pound, so everything felt incredibly cheap, and money was hardly a consideration. At around midnight, I knew it was time to get somebody to join me in the room, and so I got a tuk-tuk from Nana to Soi Cowboy. In those days, the two best bars in Bangkok were probably Baccara and Shark. Both had stunning girls, tattoos and fake boobs weren’t prominent in those days, and you always seemed to be able to build a genuine relationship with the girls. In 2009, long time meant spending all the next day with a girl, and often you’d drop her back off at the bar at 8:00 p.m., only to bar fine her again.
Baccara and the Mysterious Woman
On this particular evening, I wandered into Baccara, and I wasn’t drunk, but I had consumed a good few bottles of Singha. I had barely sat down before a girl approached me. I can remember this moment like it was yesterday. The girl was absolutely stunning. She didn’t look like the other girls.
There was an aura about her, a confidence that bordered on arrogance. To describe her, I would say that she looked more Spanish than Thai. Tan skin, not brown, natural curves, a soft face with a Western style nose, and real self-confidence. She was wearing a demure white lace dress and a champagne-colored sandals. From what I learned, she was a coyote {slash} hostess and was paid to stand outside Baccara and entice customers into the bar.
Did she go with customers? Yes, 100%. That was her job. I agreed to a lady drink, and she joined me. In those days, my Thai was nonexistent, but she spoke great English.
She was curious, asking me about my job. Not baby Thai, but real in-depth questions about my role, my education, my salary. She went on to explain that she was at a famous university, which I’d never heard of, and told me all about the course. Again, I wasn’t particularly interested, not in a rude way, but it made no difference to me and could have been lies or embellishments. Years later, I learned that the university is one of Thailand‘s most prestigious universities.
At the time, I hadn’t even heard of it. I simply assumed it was another story designed to impress a customer.
Ming’s Car and University Life
Anyway, after a few drinks, I asked if she wanted to party at Climax. I said I would pay her bar fine, but wasn’t going to pay for her Rolex. I was starting to feel a bit jet-lagged, so I just wanted to get drunk and pass out. Going forward, I’ll call her Ming. Although that’s not her real name.
So, Ming agreed and we left Baccara. I suggested that we get a tuk-tuk to Climax on Soi 11. But, to my surprise, she said that she had a car. This is where things got interesting. So, we walked to the top of Soi Cowboy, past the old Dutch restaurant on the corner, and into a car just near Little Italy.
Again, to my surprise, her car was a brand new top-of-the-line Toyota Corolla. Nothing particularly great by Western standards, but still a nice car. Something that I had never seen anyone working in Soi Cowboy or Nana owning. I’d met plenty of bar girls in Nana and Cowboy over the years, and most relied on motorbike taxis. This was something completely different.
The more I saw, the less sense it made. Also, in the car, I noticed a new iPhone S3, designer handbag, and gold necklace. Something didn’t add up. Why was a girl with these items selling herself up Soi Cowboy? We talked some more and I could tell she didn’t fit into the usual bar girl stereotype.
You know, poor Isaan single mother who needs to work to provide for her family. Everything about her was different. As we talked more, Ming explained that she was 26, had no kids, and lived locally with her parents. She was just back from 3 weeks in the USA and had traveled extensively to Australia and Europe, at one point living in France as a teenager. She was at university and worked part-time buying and selling clothes wholesale.
Again, things didn’t add up. I obviously asked Ming why she worked at the go-go bar, but she was evasive. As I got to know her, I asked several times, but she never ever gave me a straight answer.
Ming’s True Backstory
Anyway, that first night together was great. We danced, partied, and went home and made love time after time. That night turned into a day and then into a week. She stayed with me for days on end. I visited her university, met her friends, and in that time she never mentioned Baccara or working at the bar.
I recall that none of her friends gave me the impression they knew she worked in a go-go bar. They were polite, well-dressed, and spoke about exams and traveling. If they knew nobody let it slip. It almost felt as though I was seeing two completely different versions of the same person. During that 2-week holiday, we must have spent 10 days together.
Ming did talk about exes, rich men, and older guys who worked in Singapore, but she was always evasive. I never got to know anything about Ming‘s true backstory. She always insisted that she was single, though. So, what was the sting in the tail? There wasn’t one.
I paid a single bar fine on the first night and never another penny. I bought dinner for her, not her friends. There were no requests for gold designer bags or money. We simply spent our time together, traveling, shopping, sightseeing, and making love. It felt less like a transaction and more like an ordinary relationship.
Ming in Australia and Thailand
On my return home, we stayed in contact. Ming disappeared to Australia for 3 months over the university summer break, but called me daily. I suspected that she was living with a guy, but there were plenty of group photos with the same Thai people, and she would video call me on MSN. In truth, I saw no evidence of a man in her life, only the circumstances. She said she was visiting friends and traveling around.
Over the next year, I visited Thailand a further three or four times. Every trip was the same. Ming would pick me up from the airport, we’d go to the hotel, have lots of aerobics, and then spend the next 2 weeks traveling together around Southeast Asia. We’d meet Ming‘s friends, her family, and I’d visit her university. Money was never an issue for her.
We had holidays in Malaysia, Japan, Singapore, and Hong Kong. Another strange thing I noticed was Ming‘s dislike for Isaan girls. She’d be very, very critical of them. She’d also belittle bar girls and other night workers. She could come across as arrogant and quite aloof, often looking down on other choices of clothing or lack of luxury brand names.
Ming’s Trust Issues
So, moving forward with her, we began to talk about progressing the relationship. She wanted to visit the UK and get engaged and then married. For me, I was still unsure. Something didn’t sit right. I had no evidence to support it, just a gut feeling.
Summer came around and again Ming told me that she was going to Australia again. I asked, “Why not the UK?” She was evasive. She said it was her last trip before she got married and we spent our lives together. I was pretty disappointed, but in truth, I’d been playing the field back in the UK, had seen a few different girls. The thought of marriage was way off.
In truth, I was probably looking for a way out. My life in the UK was a real life. Thailand was a holiday dream. Deep down, though, I don’t think I could ever completely shake the fact that we’d met in a go-go bar. Fair or unfair, it always lingered in the back of my mind.
Anyway, Ming and I were arguing regularly due to trust issues. She had also recently been evasive and secretive. Things were unraveling and it wasn’t that I caught her lying, it was more that the little things. She’d disappear for hours without explanation, become vague whenever Australia came up, and occasionally I’d ask a simple question that somehow never received a simple answer. On their own, they meant nothing.
Together, they slowly chipped away at my trust.
The Mystery of Ming in Soi Cowboy
One day at lunchtime I called Ming in Australia and while we were talking, I heard a knock at her door. She cut the phone immediately and didn’t call me back. This was the last straw. Over the next two days I tried calling and calling but there was no answer. She was clearly up to something.
In a heartbeat I decided to block Ming on social media and MSN. It was the end for us. In the immediate period after I began seeing a girl who lived locally. We had become more than casual and she was regularly staying over. Ming was 10,000 miles away and not at the forefront of my mind.
I did get a few desperate messages from her via friends MSN or Facebook but the reality was there was no way back. It was over. As quickly as she had arrived in my life, she was gone. I’d like to say there was a happy ending for us but no, we never spoke again. The last I saw on Facebook she was married with two kids to a wealthy Thai guy in Bangkok.
I think about her often. Every now and then usually when I’m back in Bangkok I’ll find myself walking through Soi Cowboy and wondering what really happened. Was she simply earning extra money while at university? Was there another man all along? Was she from a wealthy family who worked there for reasons I’ll never understand?
Who knows? 14 years later I still have no idea why a woman like Ming was working in Soi Cowboy. She’s one of the people from Thailand I still think about and one mystery I’ll probably never solve.
Story 3 Hong Kong in 1967
This was in 1967 and was in Vietnam with a lot of other guys like me. I was 27, single, a captain in the army. I had a great trip to Thailand in my first R&R vacation. Hong Kong was a popular destination for many married men because of the great bargains. So, I took the trip to see Hong Kong and do some shopping.
I hooked up with three other officers to see the sights. As we flew over the islands, I could see it was more modern than Vietnam. We often joked how great it was to hear a flush toilet.
A Famous Chinese Restaurant
Our first night was to visit a famous Chinese restaurant and take in the food. It was a great experience compared to the war rations we had been on. During the evening, a young woman sitting with her family kept looking at me and I returned her stare. To my surprise, the father approached our table and he asked me if I would like to join them. I said yes and my food was moved to their table.
This family was the only non-Chinese people in the restaurant beside us. He explained that he owned the restaurant. After some conversation, I learned the girl had just returned from the UK where she attended college. I asked to see her the next night and we made a date. I had to travel by boat to her home.
She told me they were one of five Jewish families in Hong Kong. The father told me to have her back by 11:00 p.m. which I did.
Shopping in Hong Kong
The next four days were spent shopping, buying clothes, Japanese china, and art. These items were shipped to my parents’ home as Vietnam was not a good place to ship anything of value. My friend spent her nights in one nightclub drinking and dancing with the local girls. To invite a woman to sleep with you cost 100 American dollars which was out of our price range. We got to know the same girls that enjoyed talking to Americans.
Our last night, I did take a woman to my room because she got to know me during the four nights that we visited the nightclub. There was no fee for the encounter. The UK lost its lease and Hong Kong returned to the CCP. We returned to the war and after one year, we were lucky to return to the sound of flushing toilets.
