I Moved to Thailand at 21 Married a Bar Girl and Learned a Hard Lesson
I had been visiting Thailand every year since I was 10 years old. My mom and dad got divorced and my dad remarried to a Thai lady and moved to Thailand which meant I visited him every year. The first time I visited Thailand, it was far removed from what I was used to and I didn’t like it. But I kept going year after year and when I turned 15, all of a sudden I didn’t want to be anywhere else. When I was 15, I think I decided there and then that Thailand is where I wanted to live. But I still had years of school left and university. So I kept visiting every year until I graduated university at 21.
By that time, I had more experience in Thailand than many people. My dad told me all the tricks that girls get up to here, and he was the type of guy that loved to go to the bars. In fact, it was him who introduced me to that scene. And to say I got addicted would be an understatement. When you’re 15, 16 years old in Thailand with a bit of money in your pocket, well, let’s just say that my friends were getting up to in England was tame in comparison.
I told my dad when I was 15 that I wanted to move right now, but he told me to finish education, and I can remember those six years of my life being the slowest years ever. I didn’t want to be in England. I wanted to be in Thailand. I considered Thailand to be my home and I didn’t feel right in England. My mom, on the other hand, said she regretted the day I went to go to Thailand. As far as she was concerned, that’s when she lost me. She still lives in England and I’m here in Thailand. I love Thailand and I hope to be able to live here forever, but we never know what the future holds. Touchwood, Thailand will be my forever home.
Looking back, all the problems that people face in Thailand, I think my dad faced them. The issues with bar girls, the scams that they can get up to, and just the overall understanding of what Thailand was meant, that I wasn’t going to fall for the same tricks that my dad did.
An Unforgettable Introduction to the Nightlife
I can remember when I was 15, my dad taking me to Patpong for an introductory experience into the legendary Thailand nightlife. He was there with his wife and he thought it was funny to be able to show me just what was there in Thailand. And I must reiterate that made England appear to be the most boring place in the world. When you’re 16, you start going out with your friends down to the local club and there I was searching for where all the girls were. Thailand ruined England for me, but I consider that to be a positive story that led me to the country.
After I graduated university at 21 back in 2010, I flew straight to Thailand and moved in with my dad in his condo in Bangkok. I was lucky that he had a big three-bedroom place right in the heart of the city. So, I didn’t have any expenses while I began thinking about how I could earn money. Although my dad was married to a Thai and had an extension of stay based on marriage, there was no benefit to me in terms of visas. This was one of the things I didn’t like about Thailand. I thought there should be something that would allow me to stay here easier. And I know many people talk about that in their videos about Thailand.
I was initially on a visa exempt. I got tourist visas from Laos and used those for about a year. When you’re in your early 20s, it didn’t feel much of a drag to have to go to Laos for a visa. It was something fun to do. I bet some guys listening to this now can remember the days of going to the car park in Lotus in On Nut very early in the morning and getting the minibus all the way to Nong Khai. You queue up, leave Thailand and enter Laos.
Becoming a Teacher in Thailand
I managed to find myself a good job as a teacher. It wasn’t your basic teaching job where the schools would just pick anyone that spoke English. I taught at an international school. I had graduated university with a teaching degree and the reason I went for this degree was purely because I wanted to be able to live in Thailand and teaching seemed like the easiest option to allow that. It only took me 3 months to find the job. 3 months of being in Thailand and I was being paid 60,000 baht. It wasn’t a fortune but allowed me to find my own condo and to be able to live independently by myself.
My dad did get me into the ways of Thailand, and I still considered the nightlife that was available around Sukhumvit to be the pinnacle of what Thailand had to offer. After all, that’s why everyone went to Thailand, as far as I was thinking. Why else would you go to Thailand, apart from the wild nightlife? I got into the typical routine. I was spending as little as possible on my condo. I ate really cheap street food for every meal, not because I wanted to, but because I wanted to save all my money to be able to go out in the evenings and party.
I never got into any serious relationships in the earlier days of being in Thailand. There were just too many girls than to settle down with one, and I was having too good of a time as a single person. I’d meet up with my dad every week, and he would talk about how he wished he was able to have been in Thailand when he was younger. Most of the guys moving to Thailand were a lot older than me. And when you went into the bars, you could definitely tell that the girls that work there react differently when you’re a lot younger than most of the guys. I was younger than most of the girls that were even working. And I just thought about all the years I would have to be able to live this life. I didn’t want to do anything else. I didn’t think I needed to do anything else. This was living life to the fullest every day. and I couldn’t think of anything I would rather be doing.
I’d been teaching for about six months and partying most days when I was fortunate enough to have received a salary increase. My salary had been put up to 75,000 baht which was amazing back in 2010 especially for someone who had just turned 22.
The Night I Met Anne
I remember going out to celebrate. I left my condo, had some street food for 40 baht or was it 35 baht back then? I can’t remember. And I jumped on the BTS. I was living in On Nut and made my way down to Nana. It was a Friday as well, so I knew I could go crazy and didn’t have to wake up early for school in the morning, just the way I liked it. I was still not interested into getting into a serious relationship, but that night things changed.
I was on Soi 4, which was not my usual place to go, but this night I thought I would start there and walk all the way up to Soi Cowboy. It’s not there anymore, but for the guys who have been to Bangkok for a long time, or perhaps have visited 10 years plus ago, then you might remember the small row of bars on the little cut-through that takes you from Soi 8 to Soi 4 or vice versa. You walk up Soi 4 and turn left and you walk past the Saranjai Mansion until walking to the end of the soi gets you to Soi 8. But if you don’t go all the way and you just turn left off Soi 4, there are the few bars there that I’d never been in before. I didn’t know what it was, but I decided to choose one of them this evening.
I walked in, ordered myself a beer, and was eyeing up the pool table, thinking I might have a few games with one of the girls. But before I could ask any of the girls if they wanted to play, one of them asked me. There was something about her that felt different to all the girls that I got to know in Thailand, and we ended up playing pool, and I had more drinks than I was expecting there. It was one beer and go to the next place usually, but I bet I had 10 beers in that place, speaking to Anne.
I obviously need to make it clear that I’ve been coming to Thailand for years. I knew the game, had experienced the game being played many times, and my dad had told me just what could happen and you’ve got to be careful. But I put that to the back of my mind and went with Anne to the little restaurant that was on Soi 8 that sold all day English breakfasts. Can’t for the life of me remember what the place is called or if it’s even still there. I’ve not been for ages, but after surviving solely on street food for as long as I could remember, I just had the urge for some black pudding and thought, let’s go with Anne.
The thing that made her stand out was that she looked younger than she was, but she had this experience about her that I found drew me in. She was 37 years old, and she told me she’d been working in Bangkok like this for the past 10 years. There was something about the way she said that that excited me in a way that I still can’t describe. I liked her and thought of her life over the past and it made me want to find out more about her.
Moving In Together
Cut a long story short, she became my girlfriend. She moved in with me to my condo and I went to school every day to work and she’d just stay in the condo waiting for me to get back. She had a child that was only 3 years younger than me, but I didn’t care. I felt like I was living everybody’s dream when they’re thinking about their teacher at school. And it started out innocent enough and we became quite close. Although the age gap was 16 years with her being older than me, I was still paying for everything and supporting her financially. I knew that I had to expect this because that’s how it worked. If you wanted a girlfriend to be available with you and not out working and busy with her own life, that’s how it was. And early on, I felt like she took this as a sign of respect towards me. I didn’t know what she was thinking, but she was happy to stay with me, and that’s what counted.
We stayed together in the same condo for a year. I still like to go out in the evenings, and she was happy for me to go by myself, and sometimes she went with me, but she was always waiting for me to get back, and she was never too demanding or wanted anything excessive from me. When my dad found out about the relationship, I can remember him laughing at me, saying, “Out of all the girls, you picked one so much older than you.” I don’t think he got what I found exciting about it. Why would he? He was already in his 60s and had been there, done that countless times, and as far as my mind, I was getting to do something that I would not have a chance to do if I was in England, and that’s what mattered to me.
After a year in the condo, she went with me to do my tourist visa when I needed to. Yes, I was working without a work permit at the school back then, but they told me that they were going to get me a work permit and would need to change my visa. They told me it would be easier if I was married. And based on that information alone, I asked Anne if she wanted to get married. She didn’t hesitate when I asked, and she said she’d be happy to be my wife.
The Wedding and the Visa
I knew all about the village ceremonies and getting married, where she came from, and I told her there and then, “There’s no chance I’m going to be giving any money to your family.” I can remember her laughing when I said that, saying, “My family are not going to expect anything from someone 15 years younger than me.” She already had a grown-up child, and when I thought about it, they’d be wrong in their heads if they did ask me for anything. We went up to do the ceremony and got married and we got married legally. So, I was able to get the visa. I went to the consulate in Laos for the non-immigrant, then extended it in Thailand. I then got the work permit, something that I wanted. 15 or so years ago, they were not as strict with work permits, but it wasn’t the same as it is today. Most teachers didn’t have one. Even at the international school I worked at, they like their teachers to have been there for a while before they invested the time and effort into getting them the work permit. I know that’s not the right way, but that’s just how it was.
When we were married, I decided that we needed to find a better condo to live in. I gave up the one in On Nut and we found one closer to Nana on Sukhumvit Soi 15. It was 18,000 baht per month, so I still had a decent amount of money left after my salary. It felt more like home and we were just living together like any married couple. It was a bit further from the school where I was working. So, I bought myself a bike so I didn’t need to bother with public transport. That saved me a fortune. Being able to cut in and out of the traffic as opposed to sitting in the traffic made the danger on the Thai roads worth it.
The First Signs of Change
We’d been living in the condo for about 6 months, and life was as good as it could be. I was now 22, close to 23, and Anne was 38. She behaved like she was a lot younger, but the longer I stayed with her, the more I felt like she was trying too hard to be able to keep up with me. Often she acted like she wanted to be the boss, complaining when I did little things, small habits that I had that she didn’t like, and I just told her to get over it. I don’t complain when you eat som tam with rotten fish. So there’s no reason for you to complain if I do something that you don’t like. Live and let live.
She developed this overarching desire to try and control me and fit me into how she wanted me to be. I didn’t want a boss. I wanted a wife. And because I was paying for everything, I wanted to be in charge. That’s how it was in the early days. And since I’ve spoken to lots of people about what happened to me, I’m told that every girl does the same. They will behave like you want them to behave in the early days to get you to fall in love. And the more comfortable they feel in your company, the worse they become. The more demanding they become, and the more controlling they want to be. I always thought this was manipulation at its best. But the more I would like Anne, the worse she was.
Things came to a head at the end of this six-month period in the new condo when I told her I was going to go out with some friends. This was the arrangement that we’d had ever since the early days of our relationship, and it was how I wanted it to be. And she told me she didn’t want me to go out that evening. She had no reason for me not to go, nothing to replace the exciting time I would have if I did stay. Just you’re not going. When I went out anyway, I came back and she had smashed the TV. This was in the rented condo and the TV wasn’t mine, so I had to replace it.
I’d never seen her so angry before and then start talking about how I was going out and seeing other girls closer to my age, and she didn’t have a chance to meet someone else if she was stuck in the condo. I told her not to worry. I was married to you, and that’s what I would remain. But I want to go out and have a good time with my friends. No matter how I tried to reason with her, she was having none of it, and I felt uncomfortable to go out again.
The Struggle for Control
Things picked up a bit when I stopped going out as much, but I wasn’t having as much fun as I was before. It felt like she had me where she wanted me, which meant that she wasn’t the person that I met originally. How she was when I met her is what I loved about her. That’s what excited me about her. That’s what made me marry her. How she was when I met her. I didn’t want what she wanted to be. I wanted her to be what she was. But she seemed to want to move past that and become something else.
We had to sit down and talk about things because I was still young and I was happy to be with her, but I didn’t expect her to change so dramatically the longer we stayed together. I asked her what reason was she changing. What reason was she being more demanding and not letting me live the way that we’d agreed initially? She couldn’t give me an explanation, just that she wanted me to be there so she could keep an eye on me and make sure that I wasn’t doing anything that she wasn’t happy with.
I found myself waking up early, driving my bike to school, working all day, coming back to the condo, and just existing. Life was becoming boring and I wasn’t enjoying myself anymore. I felt Anne was deliberately trying to make my existence as bad as possible. At this time, I didn’t have anything I could lose to Anne if we separated. It made me imagine if I had invested more into this, if I’d been living with someone who had changed so dramatically over the course of not even 2 years, I’d be stuck with it.
That sent me all the way back to the conversation I had with my dad. He has his condo in Bangkok, but he also built a house on his wife’s land up in Nakhon Nowhere. and he told me how his wife changed when she felt like she didn’t need to be as nice to him as she originally did. I think many guys are going to understand what I’m saying. But when you get married to a lady, it’s because you like her as she is. You expect the longer you stay together with her for her to be nicer to you, more exciting, to do more exciting things and generally improve. But from my dad’s experience and that of many friends I have known over the years as well and now my own experience, things seem to do the exact opposite of how I expected them to be.
I told Anne that I wasn’t happy. I can remember saying to her that this is not what I agreed. This is not what we were doing when we got together originally and she told me that she was getting older. I wasn’t bothered about that but in a way it was true. She would be 40 in a few years and I needed her to remain the same as she was when we met. I was married to her and if you asked the question, did I love her? I don’t know if I would go that far. I was happier with being with her and when we did things together, such as going out to eat, it was fun, but she was sapping the fun out of every other aspect of my life.
I had to tell her that I wasn’t happy. I told her I’m still young and I need to be able to enjoy myself. I want to enjoy myself with you by my side, but if you’re going to try to be controlling and stop me from doing what I want and acting differently than how we met, then we need to talk about things. She went for a visit to her family for a few weeks, so we could spend a bit of time apart and see how we thought. And I had the time of my life when she wasn’t there. I didn’t even mind she wasn’t there. And when I came back after a decent night out, I was enjoying myself again. and it felt liberating that I didn’t have this controlling lady looking at me all the time.
A Brief Return to Happiness
When she got back, she could see that I was starting to live life again. And I can remember her saying to me that she was sorry. She was so sorry that she tried to change me and just wanted me to be happy. She told me that she loved me so much and wanted to stay together and she would allow me to go back to living the way that I did before. I think that was the most sensible option for her. If she was not staying with me, it was not like there was a house that I had built that she’d be able to live in or a house or condo that I bought that would be half hers. There was no money. I had money in my personal account, but she didn’t know how much there was because I never told her.
I felt relieved that I’d been able to stay with her and got back into the old way of doing things. I didn’t go out all the time, but twice a week I go out with friends for some drinks and come back late. And when she was there waiting for me, that’s just what I wanted. This continued and we had three perfect months. School holidays came up and I even had a big break and we went to Cambodia for a holiday.
But when we got back, she got into her old ways of always checking on me, asking what I was doing, and not letting me be myself. I wouldn’t have minded, but I was paying for everything. She was living off me. In return, I expected to be able to live the way I wanted. When she started on like this again, I knew it wasn’t going to work. I told her, “You’re changing back to your old self again, and this is not what we agreed.”
I feel around this time, I did actually love her, and I wanted her to be happy, but not at my own happiness’s expense. I needed to wake up early to go to work, and I needed to be able to do a good job. When you’re depressed, it was harder to do that. That was when I saw a side of her that I never saw. She actually got violent with me and hit me saying she would never leave me. That only made things worse for her.
I knew there was no point giving her another chance. She was trying to be too controlling and too demanding, and that’s not what I wanted from a wife that I was providing for. Age didn’t really matter to me, but I told her I wanted to get a divorce. There’s nothing she can do to change that. She was physically violent towards me, but I wasn’t reacting to that. She hit me five or six times quite hard and I just stood there and took it. There was no way I was going to do anything that she could use against me.
The Divorce
She left when she realized that I wasn’t joking and she had no choice. And I got a lawyer involved to help me with the divorce. I ended up giving her 50,000 baht so we could get divorced legally without involving the courts. I thought that was money well spent. She went to work back at the same bar I met her and two weeks after we got divorced. I went to see her there. She was chatting to some guy playing pool and drinking and you could tell the guy was interested. When he went to the bathroom, I spoke to her and said to her, “You’re happy to do this for people that you don’t know, but when you’re a husband that’s looking after you and you’re not prepared to do it, then what’s the logic behind that?” She just shouted at me and I left the bar as quickly as I could.
I saw her from time to time after that. I got myself a new girlfriend who was a lot closer to my age. And while we had a better time together doing things and we had in common, she wasn’t as fun as Anne. Not in the slightest. But that didn’t stop me from marrying her and having four children with her. I’m still with her today.
Final Thoughts: Lessons Learned
Anne taught me a lot about women and what they want. I find it sickening to my core that they will be nicer and do better to guys that they don’t really know with the hopes that they’re going to be able to take things further with that guy. And when they do take things further with the guys and they get more committed, they change and tone down that excitement levels just to be bearable. Did my now wife do the same? You bet she did. But I just accepted it and moved on. I found other ways to have a good time and I’m still living in Thailand and loving it every day.
I suppose what I wanted to say in this story is that if I had my time again, I would have remained single throughout my life. You get the best out of women when you don’t know them properly. The longer you know them, the more comfortable they get. And that’s just a point of life that we have to accept. And if you guys are still single and listening to this, getting into a serious relationship and thinking about taking things to the next level, even if you have a sit-down agreement with your girlfriend or wife about how you expect her to remain the same as you met her throughout your relationship, don’t bother. It doesn’t work like that and it doesn’t happen like that. So, forget your daydreaming and don’t bother. That’s what I would say.
Please keep me anonymous.
