The Mother Dowry And Broken Engagement

I thought I would share my story, well, one of my stories anyway, because I think it’s interesting and a bit unique, actually. Also has a story within a story.

It’s mostly about me and my Thai girlfriend, and it’s also briefly about her brother and his now ex fiancee. We go back five years ago. I was 50. I’m Australian, divorced, and I knew that eventually I wanted to live in Thailand, which I had visited many times, so I was looking for love with that special Thai lady that I could spend the rest of my life with.

I met Na on a dating website, and we began writing daily. Na was very highly educated and worked for a Chinese import company, earning approximately 80,000 baht per month. Na worked behind a desk, and I worked from home, so we would often have online calls in the daytime and chat while we both worked. Na had studied in America, and her English was excellent. Na was 39 with a 10 year old son, she’s stunning and looked half her age.

After a few months, our feelings had mutually grown so strong, it was time to meet. We were already talking very seriously and discussing possibilities for our life together. I booked my flight, and our plan was first, I would spend a few days with her at her condo in Bangkok, and then we would go to an island, then a trip to Siem Reap to see Angkor Wat in Cambodia.

Na told me a day or so before I was leaving that on our first day we were going to her brother’s engagement ceremony. Her brother had made his girlfriend pregnant, and they were going to have to get married. Na also said that her mother, who I learned was very much the family boss, was furious about the brother who had never told her that he had a girlfriend, and she was arriving in Bangkok the next day after the ceremony.

So my girlfriend and her brother met me at the airport. She looked beyond stunning, literally one of the most beautiful girls I’d ever seen in my life. Fortunately, I look young and healthy and, dare I say, attractive for my age, and I thought we looked great together. We had instant chemistry, just like we did online.

The Engagement Ceremony

While getting a lift in her brother’s car, she told me that her brother would be staying with her, so they drove me to a local hotel. A little later, they picked me up again to go to the engagement ceremony. It was a small, casual affair with less than 10 people attending. After we all got the white cotton tied around our wrists and a lot of things said that I couldn’t understand, the brother put a huge wad of cash in a bowl which his fiancee’s mother took.

I knew they have a dowry system in Thailand, it’s called sinsod, but I thought it was weird that it was given at the engagement rather than at the wedding. I later learned that the girl’s mother insisted the dowry be given at the engagement party. Later we all went to a restaurant for a meal. The mother couldn’t wipe the smile off her face, after all, she now got what I found out was later 20,000 US dollars.

I found out that the brother borrowed the money from the company he worked for and had to pay it back over the next five years. The brother was all smiles, being the newly engaged man, but he seemed oblivious to the fact that his fiancee looked miserable, and even on the verge of crying at times. I thought, “There’s something wrong here,” and for some reason I had the feeling that this marriage is a scam.

Within a week, I found out that the fiancee said she had a miscarriage and broke up with him and disappeared. Of course, she was never pregnant. She never allowed anyone in the family to attend any doctor’s visits with her. He just got scammed out of 20,000 US dollars. Wow. So it doesn’t just happen to foreigners.

The Relationship Unravels

So back to me and Na. I called the next day, and Na told me that her mother was staying an extra day or so, I would have to wait to see her again. This happened day after day. After four days, I told her, “I’m going to Pattaya to visit friends, and she can let me know when she’s ready to see me.” We spoke with each other, but she kept having excuses. My patience finally started wearing thin, and I let her know it by expressing my frustrations. Whenever I called, Na started hanging up on me. I never yelled, I never swore, but at the slightest provocation or annoyance in my voice, she would hang up, as if she was an over sensitive child who couldn’t tolerate someone else being upset around her.

I ended up going to Cambodia on my own. Although I enjoyed seeing Angkor Wat, it was extremely disappointing, and I really felt like my trip had been ruined because of Na.

Back in Pattaya, getting ready to head back to Bangkok for my final night before flying home, Na calls me. She says she’s sorry and wants to see me. She ends up staying with me on my last night, but insists on a very nice hotel which was double what I would normally pay. We have an amazing intimate night, so amazing that I’m always forgiving, and I just wanted to continue to build our relationship, which we both agreed to do.

The Mothers Demands

Back home in Australia, we continued our daily communication, expressing our love to each other and planning our future, in spite of the red flags from our first meeting. I really have fallen in love with Na, and I believe her feelings for me were equally genuine. Of course, I realized that my feelings are so strong in part because of her incredible physical beauty, but she genuinely was a very sweet girl, and she seemed to have spellbinding charms.

After a while, Na said she will tell her mother about me and start negotiating our future and how her mother fits into it. Around this time, I learned more about her family. She has an older and a younger brother. All three of them are highly educated with engineering degrees. Na and the older brother are very hard working and earn big money and send a huge part of the money back to their mother. The younger brother is the fool who got scammed. I learned that he is the black sheep of the family who keeps doing stupid things and expects the rest of the family to bail him out whenever he gets himself into trouble.

Na was previously married to a wealthy Chinese businessman who paid, wait for it, 100,000 US dollars dowry. The mother, I learned, is a very good negotiator, along with being the greediest person I have ever known. They had a baby and within one year they broke up, I suspect because of the dominating control of her mother who is constantly demanding an ever present influence. Of course, he had to kiss his hundred grand goodbye.

Na tells me that her mother is already talking about my dowry and obviously wants a second bite on the cherry. I told her that first, I’m not rich, and secondly, it’s too early to talk about marriage and dowries. But her mother wants to discuss it now because if I can’t meet her expectations, there’s no point in us continuing our relationship.

The Price For The Future

Na‘s mother said that because I’m not rich, she will settle for just 35,000 US dollars. Wow. Lucky me. Oh, and $2,000 per month, US dollars, of course, not Australian dollars. Oh, and just one more thing, I need to start paying the $2,000 per month immediately to show that I am serious.

This woman was quite simply the most disgusting, greedy human I have ever known, who just saw her children as cash cows, with the daughter being the most valuable as she not only could send a big part of her paycheck but also get an additional revenue stream from any guy who dated her.

So obviously, this relationship was not going to work, and we said our goodbyes, although we were both heartbroken. Na simply could not disobey her mother. It’s a big part of Thai culture, and I’ve never seen a mother have a stronger pathological hold on her children.

The Final Goodbye

A few months later, I write to Na just to say hi, and Na replies. I tell her I miss her. Na says she misses me too. She is going to Singapore to work, which she did very often, and could I meet her there? Well, I’m under no illusion that there is no future for this relationship, so we meet in Singapore and enjoy three lovely days and two amazing nights together. Of course, all the emotions come flooding back, and I’m in love all over again.

We talk about how we can possibly make this work. She says she will talk to her mum again and try to negotiate our future. I tell Na I can pay a reasonable dowry when we get married, but I’m not paying a monthly fee or whatever she calls it.

Na contacts me and tells me her mother has arranged a marriage for her with another wealthy man, another big payday coming for mother. And if Mum plays her cards right, maybe she can drive him away too and get a third bite of the cherry before Na’s looks eventually fade and she can’t be sold for a good price anymore.

Na and I again say goodbye, and again both of us are heartbroken. Na just wanted love, but Mum just wanted money, and she was more willing to sacrifice Na’s happiness to get it. I have nothing but disgust and disdain for her mother.

I have spoken with quite a few Thai people about this experience, and they were all shocked and are quick to tell me that this is very extreme and not normal in Thai society.

A Genuine Relationship With A Regular Thai Girl

I have been living in Thailand for two years now, currently still in Thailand. My first year I was working as an English teacher, and the second year studying at university in Bangkok. (So I’m guessing he’s not too old.) I came to Thailand as a young single guy, and I found myself like a kid in a candy shop, all these amazingly beautiful women so eager to have some fun. Having been to Thailand on a three week holiday the previous year, I was familiar with the setup. This time, I had one month before I started teaching to have some fun, so I partied and spent my first month with a new girl every night, and it was great.

Teaching And Falling In Love

Although it was fun, starting a teaching job the second month, I found myself partying less and settling down seriously into the job. It was incredible. I was incredibly fortunate to meet my current girlfriend of 20 months right before I started my teaching placement.

My girlfriend is not a bar girl, far from it. She’s almost quite innocent. She’s 24 years old, a university graduate from Roi Et in Isan. Her mother lives in Germany after marrying a foreigner 20 years ago and has a successful business in Germany where she supports both my girlfriend and my girlfriend’s brother financially. My girlfriend’s dad is the total opposite, a gambling man who has little interaction with his children.

When we first got together, my girlfriend had to go to Germany to visit her mother, and I was surprised that the whole time she was away, I wasn’t interested in any other girls. I FaceTimed my girlfriend every night, and we both stayed faithful to each other.

Family Pressure From Germany

When I first met my girlfriend, her mother had lifelong plans for her daughter, to join her in Germany and help with her business. She had waited for my girlfriend to finish university, and literally two weeks before she finished university, she met me, and we fell in love. We decided early in our relationship that we would stay in Thailand. Putting it lightly, her mother hated me, “Who is this foreigner that just comes along one day and ruins my plans for my daughter to take over the business?”

Over time, her mother has warmed to me, and like any mother, she wants to see her daughter happy, so now she understands. But it added a pretty interesting dynamic to our relationship, which I owe ultimate loyalty to my girlfriend for, going against her mother’s wishes. As you know, in Thai culture, it’s very bad for a child to defy the wishes of the parents.

As soon as she touched down in Bangkok, I picked her up, and we went back to my home in a province south of Bangkok, where we lived for six months together whilst I was teaching, before moving to Bangkok for me to start university.

A Relationship Built On Trust

The unique thing about my situation, which I don’t hear often among foreigner Thai relationships, is my girlfriend actually has more money than I do. Her mother sends her a monthly allowance, and we split our living costs 50/50. She even bought me a motorcycle and a laptop. This is why I feel that I am in a genuine relationship, and she doesn’t see me as a foreigner who is a potential cash cow for her and her family in Isan.

My experience seems miles away from the experiences with a bar girl, and I am so glad to have such a wonderful connection with someone. I am fully committed to make this work, and I know this is the girl I will marry.

My original plan was to teach English for two years and then head back to the UK, but after meeting my girlfriend, I have decided to stay in Thailand for the foreseeable future, hence why I’m studying in order to get the correct working visa. (A university degree is essential to be a teacher that stays for more than two years.)

A Different Side Of Thailand

I’ve been wanting to send you my story for a while due to the fact that all the stories you post seem to tell the same tale of a single man meets bar girl and gets heartbroken, sometimes they’re actually married, when really there is so much more to Thailand for the prospective traveler who is toying with the idea of visiting Thailand.

Being with my girlfriend for nearly two years has unlocked a side of Thailand that I would have never seen without her, regular trips to Isan, local tourism spots, and an experience you just wouldn’t have if you didn’t have a local with you. I guess what I’m trying to say is that the bar girl market makes up a minor part of the experience traveling to Thailand. You can meet genuine Thai girls anywhere that won’t exploit you, won’t cheat you, and won’t expect you to pay for everything.

I just wanted to talk about my own experiences and give readers an alternative love story which is genuinely possible in the Land of Smiles.

The Unhappy Camper In Thailand

So it was March 2002 when I went on what may be the shortest trip to Thailand from the US. A year earlier, my friend and I decided to take a trip to Asia. We decided on visiting Thailand as there was plenty for us to do, including getting diving certifications as our main goal. My friend took the reins, picking the hotel, city where we would spend the next two weeks.

Fast forward to March 2002, at the last minute, my friend decided not to go, instead getting married. One big difference though he booked a refundable ticket, and I didn’t. So I had a choice to make. I’ve never really traveled much outside of the US, and certainly not alone. I’m not really fearful for my safety, but rather fearful for being out of my comfort zone. I decided to take the leap and go alone.

The Journey Begins And Goes Wrong

My flight was booked out of JFK to Tokyo and then to Bangkok. As I live in Central PA, I had about a two hour drive to JFK airport. Armed with my printed MapQuest directions (pre GPS, this must have been a long time ago), they routed me through the city for some strange reason. It was important to know I was flying out on March 17th, St. Patrick’s Day, driving through New York City, which closed part of the route for the annual parade. Getting frustrated and a little panicked, I hailed a cab and paid him a generous tip to get me to JFK parking, leading the way in his cab. Hats off to the cabbie, excellent driving skills, to say the least.

I found the first parking spot, found the train (there are two trains that take you to the airport from long term parking), and made it to my gate with allowed time.

My first flight was on a large aircraft, I can’t remember the type, but I had the window seat, and a Japanese student who called himself Fuji sat next to me. With my zero Japanese and his 5% or so English, I found out that he was a college student visiting New York City for a week. After a few minutes after takeoff, Fuji developed a nosebleed, a pretty bad one. He got it under control but had some lingering stained tissues around.

Just a side note, I never eat aircraft food, so I had one snack I brought with me, a box of crackers. Using mainly sign language, I asked, “Do you want some?” leaning the open box over to Fuji. He reached in, with tissues still in hand, and grabbed a handful. These were the tissues he’d had his nose bleed on. I was now out of my only snack. I just said, “Keep them.” About an hour later, he had another nosebleed, and the flight crew found him a place to lay down in the back. Good news for me, I now had two seats to sprawl out on this 17 hour flight.

Fuji came back right before landing, nosebleed in check. With a successful transfer to my flight to Bangkok, I was now on my way.

The Monk And The Airport Cut

The second flight took another six hours from Tokyo to Bangkok and was relatively uneventful, with the exception of my seatmate again. This time it was a Buddhist monk, orange robes. I had read a little bit about the customs of Thailand, including do’s and don’ts. One aspect was never touch a monk, especially on the head. I never had plans on doing this, but I kept this in mind during our flight.

Again, I have the window seat. My kidneys start talking, and I need to hit the bathroom quickly, but the monk is now asleep. As not to break any rules, I proceeded to crawl over the monk, hovering and maneuvering ever so slowly as not to disturb him. At one point, our faces were inches apart, and I’m sure would have freaked him out if he woke up at that second. I can only imagine what would have gone through his head. I made it in time to the bathroom and came back, and he was awake. My return to my seat was uneventful, thank goodness.

I land in Bangkok, and I go to retrieve my bags from the baggage claim and accidentally cut my finger on the stainless steel turnabout that displays your bags. I walked over to the closest kiosk and point to my bloody finger and ask for a tissue. The woman looked at it, got a tissue, but also spat on the open cut thinking it would help me.

Yes, I freaked out. I ran to the closest bathroom and washed my hand for the next 20 minutes, cursing this woman in my mind.

I need to flashback before my trip. I was unable to get all of the shots recommended before I left. The one crucial shot that was out of stock was hepatitis. So I now have implanted in my mind that I now have hepatitis. I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but I was out of my element.

Pattaya And Immediate Disappointment

It is now 1 a.m. at Bangkok airport. I decided to hire a cab to take me to Pattaya, where my friend booked the hotel. The second cab ride was uneventful but did prove they are just about as crazy at driving as New York cab drivers are. I arrive in Pattaya around 300 a.m., check into my hotel, and remembered I hadn’t eaten anything yet. So I ventured out to find a 7 Eleven, they have them everywhere in Thailand. I walked past a cart that was selling dried squid, but I’ve never been hungry enough to eat dried squid.

I went back to my hotel room and got a few hours of sleep. I then decided to walk to the beach. The first thing that struck me about the mean streets of Pattaya was all the dirty and ungroomed, sad looking dogs that lay around vehicles, with no regard for air quality and an inferior septic system. The one thing they didn’t tell you about Pattaya back in the day was the smell, it was overwhelming.

So at that moment, considering the events that took place during the last 24 hours, I decided this is not for me, and I’m out of here. I pack my bags, checked out of the hotel, and got a cab back to Bangkok.

I arrive at the airport and check with my airline for flights going back home to the States. The last flight left already, so I was stuck in Bangkok for a night. I was advised to get to the airport early in the morning to get first in line for a standby flight. I decided to book a room close to the airport as to make it the shortest commute possible. I booked the Comfort Inn, it was a nice place, nice pool, but I got bored quickly.

The Night Market Nightmare

I decided to go to the famous night market, which is a 30 minute cab ride away. I arrived and found nothing I was looking for. So I took a tuk tuk around to the other side of the market, hoping for a tourist type environment. Apparently, the driver thought I wanted to go around corners on two wheels and took my screaming as a cry to go faster. Needless to say, I arrived safely but not happy. I’d read not to have confrontation with Thais, so I kept my cool. After walking around a little, I determined that it wasn’t for me. I hired a cab to take me back to the Comfort Inn.

I did notice the cab driver didn’t speak much English, but I was confident he knew my destination. We arrived at the Comfort Inn, and I immediately noticed this wasn’t my hotel. The driver managed to get his dispatcher (who spoke English) who shockingly advised me that this is the only Comfort Inn in Bangkok. Needless to say, panic took over, and I’m freaking out in my mind. I have no idea where I am, nor do I know how to get this cab to drive me to my hotel.

So I remembered I booked this at the airport and I knew it was very close, so I just asked him to take me back to the airport, to the kiosk I booked it through. And it turned out it was a Comfort Suites. Apparently, that last part is critical.

The rest of the night was uneventful. Checked out and returned back to the airport, checked in for my flight. It turns out that the aircraft was mostly empty, and I had an entire row to myself. The return flights were uneventful, thank goodness, and I landed at JFK airport.

After landing, it dawned on me, I don’t know where I parked my car at one of the largest airports in the world. I proceeded to ride both trains for the next two hours, hanging my key fob out of the window trying to set off my alarm. I finally found my car and drove home.

The Aftermath And The Real Diagnosis

Fast forward a week, and I’m not feeling well at all. My kidneys hurt, and I’m in bad shape with crazy balance problems. I immediately self diagnose myself with hepatitis. I head straight to the hospital. It turns out I had kidney stones. So basically, all I got from my trip was kidney stones.