Should I Marry a Thai Bar Girl After Leaving My UK Partner
I am in a bit of a situation with a bar girl I met in Thailand, and it has crossed my mind whether I should take the plunge and marry her.
Background and Life in the UK
I’m in my fifties and from the UK. For the past 15 years, I’ve been with a woman, and we have a little daughter who means the world to me. I also have an older son from my first marriage.
My partner’s quite a bit younger than me. She just turned forty. When we first met, she was this fun, easygoing woman in her twenties, really good looking too. But thirteen years later, she’s changed. She’s got a serious job that pays well, but she’s also become more stressed, kind of negative, and put on some weight. Over the last five years, our love life and bedroom time slowly faded away to nothing.
I’ve never cheated on her with someone back home, though I have played around in Thailand these past few years.
She’s incredibly controlling. I’ve basically become used to following her constant commands. Trying to stay positive when she’s always so downbeat wears me out. Honestly, it reminds me of dealing with a difficult child. Like most women in the West, she has become completely stubborn, kind of like a feminist. She feels like she doesn’t need a man and can do everything by herself.
To put it bluntly, my relationship back home at that time was on its last legs, and I think we both knew it was going to end sooner or later.
My First Trips to Thailand
My first time in Thailand was quite a while back, just a short solo trip. I had always wanted to visit the country, just never got around to it as my friends did not want to travel and I wasn’t keen on the idea of solo traveling. But because I was getting on in life, I decided it was now or never, so I booked the flight and off I went.
I did a bit of partying in Bangkok and checked out a few places in Krabi. The trip was okay, but I didn’t feel any big urge to return. I probably went to the wrong places because it was nothing like I had read and heard about.
Around four months later, out of nowhere, I got this strong urge to go back. So this time I did a little more research about where has the best nightlife and where I can have the most fun. I booked another short trip, hitting Chiang Mai first because I wanted to start off relaxed and get my bearings in a new place. After that, I would head to Pattaya and then Bangkok.
Meeting Aoy
In Pattaya, I met a woman, let’s call her Aoy, and bar fined her. She was different from anyone I’d been with before, really made me feel special. It was like having a real girlfriend, just perfect. But it didn’t last long. I was only in Pattaya for two days, and I just got that one night with Aoy.
The moment I got back home, I couldn’t relax until I had another trip planned. It wasn’t about Aoy or any woman. I just had this urge to return to Thailand, like something was pulling me back. I didn’t even understand why. Two months later, I went back for a longer stay, three weeks this time. On my very first night, I went looking for Aoy and found her right away. We had a drink and I paid the bar fine again. The physical part was amazing, no doubt about it. But when morning came, I couldn’t wait for her to leave. Something about being with her in the daylight just felt off, though I couldn’t say why.
The following night, Aoy wanted to meet up again, but I dodged her in a pretty blunt way and headed to a different bar instead.
The Pull Back to Thailand
Just like before, the second I got home, I was already planning my next trip. Work kept me stuck for four months, but I finally booked a full month away. By this point, my partner was getting seriously fed up with all my Thailand trips.
I’ve noticed that Thailand has that effect on people. You either love it and can’t wait to return, or you hate it and you’re not interested in visiting again. Something really kept pulling me back to Aoy, but I guess she was quite the popular girl with the customers.
One thing that kept getting repeated by many farangs I met there was: just have fun and do not, under any circumstances, catch feelings. If you feel like you are getting any feelings in the slightest, move on and do not return to that bar.
One evening I spotted Aoy in a bar, sitting with her customer. As she passed my table after going to the bathroom, I stopped her to say I still felt bad about how I’d brushed her off last time. “No problem,” she said with a shrug and that smile of hers. “You on vacation you want to play butterfly, try different girls.”
When I asked if the guy with her was her boyfriend, she just gave me a sly look and said, “Customer.”
Life Back Home Was Falling Apart
Leaving Thailand that time hit me harder than usual. Those three women had made my month unforgettable, and coming home felt like stepping back into gray reality. My partner’s resentment was clear from the moment I walked in. Another long trip meant another round of complaining about everything, nitpicking, and constantly doing things wrong.
I think part of me loved Thailand because the country is amazing, and another part of me loved Thailand because it gave me a chance to be away from the reality of my partner.
We tried counseling to smooth things over, and it did take the edge off. Even when she snapped at me, I bit my tongue instead of firing back, so we never had full-blown fights. Through it all, our daughter stayed her sunny self, thriving in school, completely unaware of the tension.
I must admit, I think at that point, my feelings for my partner had completely dwindled, and my only concern was my daughter. If she is happy and doing good, then I can put myself through the hell of being with my partner.
My Breakthrough Trip with Aoy
Three months later, I was back in Thailand for another month-long trip. I tried tracking down my three regular girls, but they’d scattered like leaves in the wind. One had moved back to Isaan, another was working in a different bar in Bangkok. It left me feeling pretty disappointed.
As a last resort, I stopped by Aoy’s bar, only to hear the same old story: “Bar fined long term.” A few nights later, I went back to the same bar, not expecting much, just hoping to find someone new. Then I spotted Aoy.
Ten minutes after locking eyes, we were out the door. What followed felt like some crazy movie, bar hopping through Pattaya’s many sois, then suddenly road tripping to Isaan, flying to Bangkok, crashing on Koh Chang’s beaches, even a short trip to Cambodia.
For three straight weeks, we were glued together. No breaks, no boredom. The kind of connection where even grocery runs feel like adventures. She had this way of making everything fun, whether we were deep in conversation or just people watching. And the way her eyes lit up? I knew she meant it when she said she was happy too.
This wasn’t girlfriend stuff. This was real. I know many guys have felt like this before, but I’m being serious. This was the real thing. Coming home wrecked me. Work usually distracted me, but this time I had nothing to do but feel it. Aoy and I called a couple of times a week. She told me about her customers. Didn’t love hearing it, but I’d rather that than her lying about not seeing anyone. Jealousy wasn’t my problem. I just wanted things real between us.
I knew what her job was, I knew what she had to do, and I just put it to the back of my mind. And for some reason, it did not really bother me as much as it would bother most men.
The Agreement with Aoy
On my next trip, Aoy and I came to an agreement that when I am back, we will meet and go over the boundaries together so we are both happy. I divided my time: some days with Aoy, some days sampling the menu.
My deal with Aoy: 1,500 Thai Baht per day flat. No extra gifts, no “helping” her family, no matter how hard she hints. I pay for food, rooms, and travel. That’s it. She quit the bar. No more bar fines now. Best 1,500 Thai Baht I spent. Great company, even saves me cash on trips.
When she gets jealous, I play the Pattaya card: “Last time you caused drama here.” So now we go, she goes off to her room, I get two days free to sample the market. I tell her I just look, don’t touch. She probably knows I’m full of crap. We meet up again after we have both done our thing and hit the road again.
About Aoy
Aoy is 39. Did four years in Pattaya, factory work before that. Has three kids, all grown. She’s got an amazing body and can look really beautiful, though sometimes her face shows all her 39 years. What I love is being with her. No complaining, no endless worrying, none of that constant nagging that drives me crazy with my partner back home.
Aoy’s closest friend, 42 years old, met some British guy on his first Thailand trip. He put a ring on her finger after just three weeks together. Aoy kept saying to me, “I dumb girl. Many foreign men want marry me but I say no because I only love you.”
Not sure if that is true or is a line she has used on many Pattaya goers.
The Marriage Question
When I arrived in Thailand, she kept talking like this. I told her I can’t marry her because I already got a wife back home, really meaning my partner, but I always call her my wife when talking to Aoy.
Aoy suggested I could take her as my mia noi (second wife), which from my understanding is actually common in Thailand. She said I’d need to purchase a house under her name and give her 40,000 Thai Baht every month, no matter if I was in Thailand or back home.
I explained to her there was no way I could pay for either option, but I went along to see the house anyway. Walking through the place made the whole idea feel suddenly real in a way it hadn’t before. Aoy started pointing out which bedrooms her daughters could take, and right then I got this awful vision: coming back from England someday to find the whole place packed with her things and all her kids’ belongings.
I had to tell her straight I didn’t want to buy any house in Pattaya, period. I did say I might think about a cheaper place in another area, but only if the mortgage stayed in my name so she couldn’t just sell it out from under me.
I also made it clear I couldn’t give her any regular money right now. I said maybe someday I could send her something, but definitely not as much as 40,000 Thai Baht. What surprised me was how she took it all in stride and got all affectionate with me again. She did not seem disappointed with my answers and she was somewhat understanding.
The Relationship Back Home Ends
Back home, I knew I needed to shake things up in my life. Turns out my partner was thinking the same thing. She came out and said she wanted us to sell our house and live apart. So that’s exactly what we’re doing now. My relationship back home had been rocky for a while. We both knew it was going to end, and I think we are both relieved that it has ended without a nightmare ending. We weren’t married, so anything that is hers is hers, and anything that is mine is mine.
Now I’ve got more freedom than I’ve had in years. After raising my son solo since he was four, I’ve spent 21 straight years juggling parenting and making a living without any real break. That’s a big part of why Thailand feels so good to me. No responsibilities, just women looking after my needs for a change.
I still like working back in England though. The perfect setup would be splitting my time half and half between both countries, while making sure I see plenty of my daughter during my UK stays.
My Options What Should I Do
Option 1 Should I buy property in Thailand
I have a few ideas that I have been tossing around in my head for a while. Not right now. I still enjoy moving around too much, decent hotels don’t cost much, and I haven’t picked a location yet. When I’m ready, I may just build a new place in some cheaper area. Once my UK house sells, I’ll have more than enough cash to make it happen.
Option 2 Should I start a business or look for work in Thailand
Running a bar doesn’t interest me, and real estate works completely differently than back home. Plenty of foreigners see their business dreams crash and burn there. I’ve got enough to get by without working. Maybe just living simply in Thailand makes most sense, especially while I can still earn money working half the year in England. Taking some local job would likely mean stress for little pay anyway. I know a lot of jobs in Thailand are for Thai people only and farangs are not allowed to do them. I think my line of work would fall under that category.
Option 3 Should I find a wife or long term girlfriend there
For my next trip, I’ll probably split time between Aoy and seeing other women, then maybe pick one to settle with afterward. You’ve got to choose eventually. Thai women won’t put up with a man who keeps jumping around, whether she’s some high society type, office worker, or former bar girl. That part stays the same across the board.
Should I marry Aoy
She’s an angel. I already know and, truth be told, she’d probably make a pretty good wife in lots of ways. I do really like Aoy. She’s perfect in every way. But as many men may agree with me, it’s easy to get bored with the same woman in Thailand. I’d hate to marry her and then three months down the line realize I want out of it. That wouldn’t be fair on her, and I have a lot of respect for her.
She also comes from a poor background, and from our earlier conversations about wanting me to give her money every month, I feel I would turn into a human ATM for her sooner or later. Aoy’s grown used to making good money and her family’s used to getting a cut of it. But I’ve got no interest in shelling out anywhere close to 40,000 Thai Baht each month, month after month. Her looks won’t last forever. She’s heading into her 40s, and time will take its toll. Even after leaving the bar life behind, she’ll still think like a bar girl for years. Who’s to say she won’t sneak back into that world when I’m not around?
Option 4 Bringing a Thai woman back to the UK
This idea sounds nice, having someone there to look after me after work and all that. But to get her a visa, I’d likely have to marry her. And that’s a gamble: if she decides to leave me while we’re there, I’d be stuck dealing with divorce lawyers and alimony payments. Not worth the risk.
What Would You Do
So, what would you do if you were in my position?
