Ending the Relationship In Thailand After More Red Flags

Story 1 Meeting a Thai Woman on a Dating App

The Thai dating mystery. When every red flag has a cultural explanation, I met her on a dating app. At first, everything seemed quite promising. She was attractive, polite, well-dressed, and very well-behaved. She was also quite shy, or at least that’s what I thought. She told me she worked as a secretary for a well-known company in the area, and we had a pleasant conversation over coffee.

The conversation was not exactly what you would call intense, but I was in Thailand and she was Thai, and we were communicating in English, or so I thought. Well, different culture, different language, maybe she’s just shy. In other words, my first explanation was already ready. After the coffee, she told me she didn’t really know what to do. So, I suggested going to a fish market I knew. You choose your fish yourself, then they cook it for you, and you eat it there.

It’s actually a very nice Thai experience. She knew the market, so we went. And this is where we’re looking back, I probably encountered the first red flag. We bought some fish, found a little place where they could cook it for us. While we were there, I noticed the woman running the place looking at my date in a rather strange way. Not an ordinary look, it was the kind of look people sometimes give someone when they are thinking, “Hmm, is this person completely okay?”

Then the vendor made some reference to choo-choo people. I didn’t really understand what she meant. It sounded a little rude or strange, so I just smiled and I ignored it. Red flag number one. But I had an explanation, different culture, problem solved, so I thought.

Thai Dating Red Flags at a Fish Market

The second date was actually very nice. I found a seafood restaurant on the beach, roughly halfway between us. It was a beautiful place, very pleasant atmosphere, good food, and we had a nice glass of wine. I asked her if she liked the restaurant, and she said, “Okay.” More or less. I remember thinking, “Okay, I spent quite a lot of time finding this place, but apparently we’re not getting five stars on TripAdvisor.”

Still, everything was fine. After dinner, we went for a walk along the beach. We walked for more than half an hour. At some point, I took her hand. She seemed extremely shy, but she didn’t pull away. We got closer, I hugged her, and I could feel her heart beating incredibly fast.

I thought, “Excellent, this is a very good sign.” We kissed, and eventually we went home. Only much later did I discover that she simply had a naturally fast heartbeat. So, my first romantic psychological indicator was in fact completely useless. The relationship continued. We saw each other several times.

Occasionally, she would come to my apartment after work, and we’d go out for dinner. But, there was always one subject that kept coming up, the client. There was always a problem with a client at work. The client is angry, the client complained, the client is still angry, the client has a problem. For weeks, this client seemed to occupy a surprisingly large percentage of her emotional life. She was often very sad, and whenever I asked what was wrong, the answer was essentially the client.

At one point, I started thinking, “Who exactly is this client?” We even went on an island trip together. We took the ferry, and on the way, there was sitting very close to me with her head on my shoulder, hugging me for the whole ferry trip. It looked incredibly romantic. Later, she explained that she was actually crying all the time on the ferry because she was thinking about the client. At that point, I thought, “Okay, this is becoming a very important customer. Second romantic misunderstanding served.”

Still, I didn’t make much of it.

Island Date and the Unexplained Ex

We had a nice day on the island, quiet beach, swimming, kissing in public, which I found slightly unusual in Thailand, although we were in a tourist area, so perhaps that explained it. Again, I had an explanation. Then, there were the other little things. Her LINE profile contained phrases about waiting for someone. I assumed she was talking about her ex. Eventually, I asked her about him.

She told me she had been in a long relationship with a Thai man, but it had ended about 2 years earlier. The phrases online, she said, didn’t mean anything. Okay.

The Mystery Client and Unexplained Gaps

Then, came the unexplained gaps. She finished work at 5:00. Her journey home should have taken approximately 1 hour, but somehow, she regularly arrived home at 10:00 at night. 5 hours for a 1-hour journey. I started thinking, “This is not a commute. This is an expedition.” But again, I didn’t jump to conclusions.

Maybe she was talking to colleagues. Maybe she had things to do. Maybe there was traffic. Maybe Thailand simply worked differently. Once again, the cultural explanation came to the rescue. Then, came the intimacy issue.

The Intimacy Problem and Communication Wall

One evening, she stayed at my place longer, and we tried to have aerobics. She seemed interested and excited, but physically, she was extremely contracted. Full-on aerobics was essentially impossible, and eventually, I had to stop. It was a very strange experience for both of us. I asked her what had happened. She told me it never happened to her before.

I thought perhaps there was some psychological or emotional issue behind it. >> >> I asked her how she thought we could solve the problem. She said something that I found quite surprising. “No, there’s no need to see anybody. I trust you. You can solve it.” I remember thinking that’s a lot of responsibility to give someone after only a few weeks of dating, but I didn’t push it. We simply left the subject alone.

And that was actually part of the bigger problem. There was a wall between us. When things were easy, she was kind, sweet, and pleasant, but whenever I tried to understand something deeper, what she was feeling was what was happening in her life, why she disappeared, what was going on with her past. Communication became extremely difficult. There were also the strange gaps and unexplained absences. And somewhere in the back of my mind, there was always the ex.

Eventually, I told her, “Let’s just leave things for now.” I was also going to move to Bangkok anyway, so we would be far apart. She seemed genuinely sad about it, and that was basically the end of the first chapter, or at least I thought it was.

A Second Chance in Pattaya

A few months later, around Valentine’s Day, we started talking again. She sent me a message, “I cannot stop thinking about you.” Then, “Happy Valentine’s Day. Are you still single? Yes, I am, too.” So, we decided to meet for coffee. And when I saw her, I immediately noticed that she looked different. She looked healthier, better dressed, more relaxed, more confident.

She seemed much more comfortable with herself. My dating experience quietly whispered, “Interestingly, I didn’t say anything.” Later, because it was extremely hot, she had walked several kilometers, I offered to drive her to her apartment. “No, no, absolutely not.” The reaction was surprisingly strong. I thought, “Okay, it’s a hot day. I’m offering you a free ride, and apparently, I’ve just proposed something illegal.”

She was supposedly in Bangkok for work with somebody I didn’t really know, and then she was going back towards Chonburi. We agreed to meet again during the weekend. This time, I drove to Pattaya to see her. She was supposed to meet me there. Then she called, “I can’t find the place.” A little later, “I think I’m going home.”

I said, “Wait, I’ve driven here specifically to see you. Let’s just meet somewhere else.”

A Cold Reunion in Pattaya

After some persuasion, she agreed. When we finally met, the atmosphere was completely different from the first time. She was cold, very cold. It almost felt as if she was there because she was doing me a favor. During dinner, she explained, “You left me. I suffered a lot. That’s why I keep my distance now.” Maybe that was true, but somehow it didn’t feel like the whole story.

After dinner, we walked around the shopping mall. At one point, I tried to take her hand. She jumped away as if I tried to bite her. “No, no, absolutely not.” From then on, she walked about 2 m away from me. I remember thinking, “Well, this date is going extremely well.”

Eventually, she accompanied me towards the parking area and then went home. I thought, “Okay, maybe that’s it.” But then the messages started again. One week, she told me, “Maybe I’ll come to Bangkok.” I’d already booked my trip to Pattaya for the following weekend. “Okay,” I said, “let me know when you know.”

She didn’t know. Then at the last minute, she told me she was going to Bangkok. I was already in Pattaya. I told her politely, but increasingly less enthusiastically, that I couldn’t keep changing my plans at the last minute. Then on Sunday, she called me, “I’m coming back from Bangkok to Chonburi. I’ll come to Pattaya and we’ll have dinner.” “Okay, just let me know when you arrive.”

Three or four hours later, I asked, “Are you here?” “No, sorry, I’m already home. Somebody drove me home.” I couldn’t tell. At this point, I was starting to feel as if I was dating a person whose movements were controlled by a mysterious logistics company.

Last-Minute Plans and Missed Dates

Then she suggested, “Why don’t you stay in Pattaya during the week? I work online, so I thought, “Fine, let’s give this one more chance.” I stayed. During the week, however, it was always the same. She was working late. She finished at 10:00. She was tired. She couldn’t meet. Again, the famous 5-hour commute seemed to be involved.

Ending the Relationship After More Red Flags

Eventually, we arranged to meet on the Saturday. We met at a cafe, had tea, walked around the shopping center, and ate something. She was still very cold. We talked about the past. At some point, she started crying. I didn’t really understand exactly what triggered it.

Then we went towards the beach. And once again, she walked about 2 m away from me. We sat on the beach, she almost completely silent.

Story 2 Meeting a Thai Woman at a Massage Shop

I was not looking for love in Thailand. I went for a massage and in those days you had to confirm your plane ticket for some reason. Anyhow, the massage place offered to do it and I was talking to a young girl there. She said she was looking for a farang husband. I laughed and said, “Oh, really? What kind of farang?” She said, “Like you.”

Really? I laughed. “I’m a bit old for you and I’m not rich.” She said, “Never mind, I like older men.” She told me she was 22 years old. I was 40.

She was serious, she said. I was skeptical at first, but she was really enthusiastic, so I thought about it and said, “Okay, let’s go to the embassy and see what they say.” She already had a passport as she had been to Sweden. That’s another story and not what most would think. Would you believe it? They said that I could take her with me right away on a tourist visa for 6 months.

At this time, I had a good job in construction but was living in the back of my friend’s garage. So, I thought she would take one look and want to go back on the next flight.

Moving to Australia with a Thai Fiancée

So, we came to Australia and spent a few days in the garage. Then my friend told me he didn’t like me there with a girl as he had kids and it was not a good look. Fair enough. So, we went to stay at my mom’s for a few days until we found a small flat to rent. It was really nice and every day I would come home to some strange smells. She liked fish oil and some dishes smelled like sewers when they were cooking but tasted delicious.

Unfortunately, her father had an accident 4 months in and she needed to return to Thailand to sort things out. In the meantime, we organized a fiancé visa. It took much longer, but she returned and we were married.

Building a Marriage and Career in Australia

From the moment she was allowed, she worked with me installing kitchens until one customer, believing I was exploiting her, told her of a language course available to her and she attended English language classes. I left the kitchen and went back to the electrical work. She worked in a Thai restaurant for $50 per week.

A 35-Year Marriage and Support for Family

Then a diner said she could get a job at her company for much more money. She moved; then, after that company closed, she applied for a job at an aged-care facility initially as a cook. No, not Thai food. Then when that job ended when the owner sold she moved to a wholesaler preparing items for sale and worked her way up to be the warehouse manager. Not bad for a girl with no education past primary school. We have been married for 35 years.

Story 3 A Thailand Road Trip from Jomtien to Khon Kaen

If you recall in my first adventure I left Bangkok after a failed and very stressful relationship with that waitress from Soi Cowboy bar. In short she was married and her husband was soon to be released from prison for selling substances and it turned out she was responsible and he took the fall for her. I was glad to get out of that situation without anybody getting hurt. After that, in my second story, my sons helped me move to a lovely condo in Jomtien. This turned out to be my place. I found my community and a diverse group of friends that I enjoy spending time with and they seem to like me as well.

That’s always a bonus. This story is about the trip I promised to tell you about that I took with my close friends. Dao, who is half African-American and half Thai and works part-time as a do-everything agent out of the office in the back of my friend’s restaurant and Nigel the Aussie who is on the run from his ex-wife’s alimony claims. Lastly, I mentioned we were going to load up into my Yaris and head to points northeast of the country. The goals of this trip were as follows. First, to enjoy the drive to Khao Yai National Park.

There, we wanted to stay in a nice hotel, do a tour, and see some waterfalls and nature. From there, we wanted to make our way up highway number two to Khon Kaen. This is where Dao‘s family is from and where her mother met a young American aircraft mechanic stationed at the nearby air force base during the Vietnam War. She worked on the base in the laundry section and was very taken by this kind, intelligent, hard-working young man. She got pregnant, but he was sent home before Dao was born. Apparently, she did tell him that he was a father and he sent money for several years, then he stopped and ended contact when he started his family back in Philadelphia.

This story is not about connecting with her past.

Dao’s Family History in Thailand

She completed that journey in the 2000s after her mother’s passing. It’s kind of sad, actually. For years, as Dao grew up, her mother kept her story and her father’s identity a secret. Her mother died of breast cancer in late 2005, but before she passed, she told Dao the entire story. Dao was able to get her father’s name and eventually found him and his family. She discovered that she had two half-sisters and a half-brother.

Sadly, he had already passed away in 1999, and her half-sisters and half-brother wanted nothing to do with her. They were all in their late 20s and early 30s with their own complicated lives. I know Dao was hurt, but she has long since let it go. I hope for her that someday, as we all age and think about our past, they choose to connect. I mean, who wouldn’t want to have a relative in Thailand? >> >> When I moved to Jomtien, I was determined to stay single.

I was still shell-shocked from my episode with Dao, and I just wanted to create a community and make friends. I was successful, though Nigel, always thought that Dao and I should be a couple. As a matter of fact, he would often comment and joke with both of us about it, berating us for our platonic relationship. The thing is, I didn’t want to ruin a perfectly good friendship. I didn’t trust myself to make good choices, and I didn’t want to hurt anyone, especially Dao. Don’t get me wrong.

She is a beautiful mixed-race woman who seems to have gotten the best from both sides of her family in looks, constitution, intelligence, and personality. She’s not only a native Thai speaker, but nearly fluent in English and can handle herself in German and Japanese. She’s a joy to be around.

Driving from Jomtien to Khao Yai National Park

So, in mid-February, we loaded ourselves into my car with Nigel curled up in the back seat and set off for the national park. Dao and I shared the driving, and we made all the normal stops for gas, food, and coffee. At one of our coffee stops, Dao came back to the car and handed me mine without asking me what I wanted. She already knew. Nigel watched the exchange from the back seat and just shook his head. “What?”

I asked him. “Nothing, mate.” I ignored him. Looking back now, there was probably a lot of little things like that which I chose not to notice. I had watched a few videos and decided to stay two nights at the MYs Khao Yai Hotel. It’s a lovely hotel with an interesting design and in excellent range to the park.

but we did go on an elephant tour, and successfully walked the trails through astonishing nature, sought out the famous waterfalls. My favorite was Narok Falls. The waterfall itself was spectacular, but getting there and back was another matter. Those stairs are seriously steep. Going down wasn’t too bad. Coming back up was when we discovered just how old we actually were.

Dao naturally seemed to have no problem. She kept going ahead of us and stopping and looking back while Nigel and I lumbered our way up behind her. At one point, Nigel stopped, put his hands on his knee, and announced, “If there isn’t a cold beer waiting for me after this, Thailand can have its waterfall back.” Dao laughed at him and kept climbing. I laughed, too, although I wasn’t doing much better. It’s not for the weak-willed.

An Evening at the Khao Yai Hotel

Now, here is where things get interesting. Yes, Nigel is annoying in his old-school Aussie way, but we love him. He’s a good friend, and beneath his veneer, he’s a kind, generous, and loyal man. I think sometimes he knows what’s better for people than they know for themselves. The two days at the national park were fun, interesting, and exhausting. The last evening at the hotel, the three of us were sitting around the pool, drinking, just laughing, joking, and reminiscing.

That’s what we do. Dao turned in early and left Nigel and me to our own devices. It was at this point, after three beers, that he turned up the pressure.

Nigel Pushes Me to Talk to Dao

This is a summary from my memory of what happened. Nigel, you know that Dao is waiting for you to make a choice, right, mate? Me, putting on ignorance, “Huh? What do you mean?” Nigel, “You two can’t just dance around each other like a pair of clueless wombats forever.” Me, “Listen, you know how I feel. I love my friends and I want to keep them. Making friends into lovers always messes things up.” Nigel, “Yeah, I know, but you two are smart enough to make it work. We all see it. Don’t be a dipstick. You think you’re a numpty, but you’re just pig-headed.”

“What the heck is a numpty?” Nigel meant I was an idiot. I sat in silence for a good 10 minutes. Nigel just sat there letting me stew in my own juices. I finished my beer and I said, “Okay, I’m not going to live forever, and though my body is holding together pretty well right now, we are getting older. I’ll talk to her.” He just grunted at me, “You’d better.”

Before he passed out in the recliner, I got up and made ready to find my way back to my room. Who do you think was loitering just outside of the lights? Yeah, sure. She heard everything. I think she and Nigel set me up. She came right up to me and said, “So, do you want to talk to me?”

Before I could say anything, she draped her arms around my neck and kissed me. Damn, it was good. I melted. It felt like she really meant it. She let me go. I just stood there stunned.

She turned around and went back to her room and said, “We’ll talk tomorrow.” I stood there with my jaw on the ground, my brain just a pile of mush. She went back to her room, took a shower, and went to sleep. I wasn’t sure if that had really happened.

Dao and Nigel at the Breakfast Buffet

We were all up the next morning in time to eat at the breakfast buffet. Nigel and Dao were already there. As soon as I sat down, I could see that Nigel was not going to be able to contain himself. He just broke out laughing. It wasn’t mocking or mean, but just joyful and happy. He had tears streaming out of his eyes and just kept saying, “Sorry, mate.”

He tried to regain control. Dao looked at me with care and compassion in her eyes and took my hand while this buffoon enjoyed his moment. After he regained his composure, the only thing I said to him was, “Don’t you dare be smug.”

Walking Through Historical Ruins in Khon Kaen

That day we continued our journey north to Khon Kaen. It was about 320 km, so we did it in half a day including stops along the way. Stopping at the historical park at the halfway point is highly recommended to break up the drive. It was hot as you would expect, but there was something peaceful about walking around those old ruins. Nigel wandered off on his own almost immediately, which I suspect was intentional.

Holding Hands and Starting a Relationship

That left Dao and me walking together. For the first few minutes, neither of us brought up the previous night. We looked at the ruins and carvings and pretended everything was perfectly normal. Finally, I said, “So, I guess we have to talk.” She looked at me and smiled. “Yes, you said you would.”

I shared my concerns about messing things up, how much I valued her as a friend, that I didn’t want to interfere with her lifestyle, and what the rest of the group would think. To most of my concerns, she just looked at me, huffed in the way that Thai women do, and said, “You don’t know. Just live life and we can be closer to each other.” I finally asked her, “Why you didn’t ever say anything?” She shrugged, “Because you said you want to be alone. I listened to you.” I had to admit she had me there. “So, what changed?”

I asked. “Nothing.” she said. “You changed.” There wasn’t much I could say to that. We kept walking, and at some point, and I honestly don’t remember which one of us did it first, our hands found each other.

There was no big romantic moment. We just started holding hands while we walked through ruins that had been standing there for hundreds of years. It was the first time we had ever done that. Strangely, that felt almost more to me than the kiss the night before. Dao had surprised me with the kiss. Here, in broad daylight, I was making a choice.

I trusted her, even though we both had sweaty hands.

Travelling Back Through Kabin Buri

The rest of the ride up to Khon Kaen was uneventful. Dao took us to her favorite places to eat at the Ton Tan Night Market, and I decided that I loved the food there. Dao and I decided not to share a room, and she left Nigel and me to explore while she ran off to reconnect with her friends and extended family. She invited us, but warned us that everyone would be speaking Thai, and it wouldn’t be a lot of fun for us. Nigel and I had watched all the top 10 videos of Khon Kaen, and we did our best to see as many as possible. The second day, Dao joined us as we finished the list, and she helped us navigate street food and directions.

We drove back over 2 days with a stop in Kabin Buri because we were tired of driving. I can recommend the Royal Ville, Kabin Buri, and yes, it is Kabin Buri and not Kanchanaburi. It’s a nice stopover. Here, we decided to share a room with Nigel‘s blessing. He really is a rat. I’ll spare you the details of that night, but I will say that everything came along naturally without stress, like we had been a couple for years.

It felt natural and right to be close to her, but her big head of curly hair was something to manage.

Finding Love and Building a Life in Jomtien

We made it back to Jomtien, and that was about half a year ago at this point. We spent a few nights a week at each other’s place, but have decided to our own homes for now. We both agreed that we like our own space, so we don’t get tired of each other. Of course, maintaining our own homes is becoming somewhat of a technical distinction. She has clothes and toiletries at my place, and I have things at hers. There are nights when one of us asks, “Your place or mine?”

and the decision is based mostly on where we left something we need the next morning. I like it this way. We’ve since taken trips to Bangkok, Koh Larn and Koh Samet. You have got to go there, and to Koh Lanta for a few nights. It’s really going well. My sons are happy for me and I feel my heart is calm and fulfilled.

I spent a lot of time worrying that getting closer to Dao would ruin what we already had. It never really occurred to me that refusing to let it become anything more was a choice, too. Will we live together someday? Maybe. Right now, it’s just right.