The Perfect Thai Wife Who Played the Long Game

Marriage, Immigration, and a Child Custody Battle in England

I have a story just to show it’s not just the bar girls who can be ruthless. I came to work in Thailand a few years ago. I was never into the bar scene but did have lots of fun in the clubs of Bangkok and Pattaya. I had some friends in Bangkok and are still close buddies to this day. We always watched each other’s backs during various escapades. Friendship was more important than any Thai girl.

I was due to go to a club in Ekamai on the night of the fire on January 1, 2009 but arrived after that dreadful fire killed 61 people.

I’m open-minded about what consenting adults choose to do. I have no problem with girls that need to make money and provide for their families. It does annoy me, however, when foreigners attempt to rip them off in their own country. Show some respect to your host country and play the game for what it is.

I met a girl called Knock not her real name of course. She was shy and from a respectable Bangkok family. After a long and protracted courtship we got married. I never ever played away despite living in central Bangkok with its many distractions.

Knock came with me when my job took me away from Thailand and traveled back to the UK on many occasions as well as all over the rest of Europe. Sure enough, our daughter was born at Bumrungrad Hospital, of course. I bought an SUV, land, a house, the works. Throughout the 11 years, she played the perfect wife.

Knock was becoming more demanding about controlling money, as is normal in Thai culture, using our daughter as leverage. Anyway I love my daughter above all else so happily played along. Schooling came around and it was not part of the deal from my job so we left Thailand and went to the UK. Knock eventually arrived after a 2 year battle with UK immigration to get a very expensive spouse visa. Spouse visas are very expensive and an uphill battle when dealing with the UK Border Force. In the UK I earned £70k a year plus I had free accommodation yet immigration was still very difficult. Anyway they arrived.

Financial Control and the Fight Over Their Daughter

Knock immediately demanded control of all of our money. She also refused to get a job. I gave her use of the car which was a BMW and a well stocked bank account nothing was good enough. She refused a well paid job and she refused to try and integrate. I offered her flights to go see her relatives who live in Europe no no and no.

Eventually she left to go back to Thailand a low blow considering our daughter was in hospital with a problem which would require four operations. She told our daughter she was going on a vacation. After 6 months she returned to the UK seeking a fresh start but soon returned to her own ways of demanding money and weaponizing our daughter.

One evening I returned to find her and our daughter had gone. After a frantic night with a police search they were found. Next I got notice that she and our daughter were in a shelter and I was accused of abuse. After battles to prove my innocence in court and fight it with Social Services I was granted joint custody. They had moved to a separate city pulling my daughter from her established school.

Despite the pack of lies she told against me apparently if abuse is claimed indefinite leave to remain is granted despite arriving on a spouse visa only 3 months before. My daughter is now settled in a school that I fought tooth and nail to get her into and she’s thriving now. My Thai ex wife has another baby with another guy it strengthens her case to stay in the UK. I don’t know who the father is.

I look after my daughter financially and see her when I can. I pay for her schooling, trips, and clubs. I got rapidly disillusioned with the UK, a septic Brexit, and economic crises so I decided to work overseas again once my daughter was settled. I have paid for all of them to have a vacation to Thailand which the children loved but my ex wife was as grumpy as ever.

I’m now back working in Thailand. I call my daughter each day and I’m looking forward to her returning to Thailand for vacations in her school holidays. She is my number one. My ex wife is nothing to me. My ex-wife has sold everything in Thailand: the car, the house, and all my belongings.

How the Visa and Child-Custody Systems Were Used Against Him

The moral is that it’s far from just bar girls who are rip-off merchants. Some of them do apparently have good hearts but I’m not going down that path. My ex wife played the visa system, played the child law system and got what she wanted. You might think you’re wearing the pants but when it comes to Thai women they can be very cunning as I was to find out 11 years later.

A 1990 Thailand Adventure from Pattaya to Chiang Rai

My story is from my first trip to Thailand around 30 years ago in 1990. I’m an American and was studying in New York City. I decided that after finishing my degree I would take a long trip somewhere new and exotic. After doing some research I decided on Southeast Asia because the price was much better than any other destination. Just finishing graduate school, my bank account was not exactly flush with money as you can imagine.

I was able to get a courier ticket to Bangkok for $500 return. Not sure if you’ve heard of courier travel but basically you travel very cheaply as a courier and the courier company uses your luggage space to ship cargo. My ticket was $500 when the best one I could find for myself was $1500. Funny how I could likely get a ticket nowadays for about the same price. The terms of the courier deal were that I had to return within 6 weeks and I couldn’t leave Thailand. So I set about planning my adventure.

Basically I decided to wing it and had not made any hotel reservations. But in general I wanted to relax on a tropical island visit Bangkok another island in the south and visit the north of Thailand as well. Very few people from New York or America more generally make the 24 hour plus trip to Thailand for travel vacation so I knew very few people who had been there. Most of my knowledge came from travel books and brochures in particular a book called Southeast Asia on a Shoestring which was the backpacker’s bible at the time. The internet was very new back then and there certainly wasn’t any YouTube channel with old hands providing good advice. I was quite naive as to the nightlife situation in Thailand and other aspects of Thai culture.

Most of the references to the nightlife in the book were about how one could easily get ripped off so I made it a point to avoid places like Patpong and Soi Cowboy.

Personally, I was quite a handsome man at the time, and writing this story forced me to dig out my photographs from my trip. I was also in very good shape from my weightlifting and powerlifting though focusing on my doctoral thesis did cause some flabbiness. That said I was still in better shape than most men my age. The story follows a relationship I had with a Thai woman named Far that I met in Pattaya and had a somewhat rocky relationship with.

Arriving in Bangkok and Sharing a Room to Save Money

I set off on my long flight to Bangkok connecting in Narita Airport where the courier cargo was dropped off. On the Bangkok leg of the trip I happened to be sitting next to two American women and we struck up a conversation. They were backpacking through Asia on their way to Nepal and would only be staying in Bangkok for one night. We agreed to share a hotel room to save money. At the airport we found a room with three beds at the Hotel Miami which is still there today on Sukhumvit Soi 13 $21 for the room so only $7 each person. No funny business with the ladies it was all above board.

It was about midnight after we checked in and we set out to get some street food. We found a noodle stall that had set up some tables and chairs on the sidewalk. Interesting how the Thais shimmied up the electrical pole to tap into the electric lines to power the lights and cooking equipment. Back then Sukhumvit was a one way street going east I believe. No Skytrain yet. But the crafty Bangkok tuk tuk drivers carved out a single lane illegally going in the opposite direction. This led to a head on collision just a few meters from where we were sitting between a car and a tuk tuk that was going in the wrong direction.

As one of the American women I was with had just completed medical school she felt compelled to assist and went over to the accident scene but there was not much she could do because a tuk tuk driver was already deceased. Quite an introduction to Thailand.

So the next morning my American lady friends left for the airport and I set about traveling to Ko Samet. I mostly spent my time lying on the beach drinking beer and getting massages from the sturdy women who plied their trade amongst the tourists. At the resort I met a Frenchman named Pascal and we talked over beers in the evening. He was heading to Pattaya next and suggested I travel there as well. He told me where he’d be staying and it was within my budget. So since I was winging it after staying a few days in Ko Samet I made my way to Pattaya.

Meeting Far and Discovering Pattaya’s Bar Scene

I checked into the hotel Pascal recommended. I didn’t see him at first and left to wander about Pattaya walking along Beach Road and such. After wandering for a while it was clear to me that Pattaya did not have much from a cultural perspective though there were plenty of ladies trying to pull me into bars. I was still fearful that a visit to one of these places would extract large amounts of money from me.

I was back at the hotel sitting in the courtyard having a drink when I was approached by a male hotel employee. He asked me if I would like some female company. Keep in mind that I’m completely naive here, and I proceeded to ask how that would work. He said that for 500 baht a lady would spend time with me and that I could send her away or she could spend the night if I wished. Now I didn’t have a huge budget but 500 baht was only $20. So since I was alone and otherwise a little bored with Pattaya I agreed.

He went to make a phone call and a short while later came back with two Thai women and asked me to choose which one I liked. I found it a little awkward to make such a choice openly in front of the ladies. Both were attractive but one was a stunner with long raven hair and nice eyes. She was also a bit more full figured than most Thai women who at the time mostly looked a bit undernourished relative to Western women. I’ve noticed over the decades that Thais have gotten taller and heavier. Anyway back to my story. The stunner of the two girls was a girl called Far with whom I had a relationship over the next several weeks.

Far and I went back to my room and started getting to know each other a little better. Far was not too old, had no children, and was from the Chiang Rai Province. She had completed high school and spoke English well enough for us to have a decent if simplistic conversation. We spent the next several days drinking beer on the beach in Jomtien in the afternoon and in the evenings of course multiple daily aerobic sessions. I could feel that Far was taking a liking to me beyond just being a client.

After several days of this routine I was getting a bit bored with Pattaya and decided to end my time there and move on to visit Bangkok. It was also draining my budget as I’d also learned that the expectation was that if you’re spending time with a lady you’re also paying for her food and drinks. Far didn’t eat much and food was pretty cheap but she had a good beer drinking appetite. So I told Far that my time in Pattaya was coming to an end and that I’d be heading to Bangkok next expecting a degree of sadness on her part. She surprised me by immediately suggesting that I come back to Pattaya after I toured Bangkok. I had certainly taken a liking to her who wouldn’t? and I agreed to return.

She gave me the phone number of the house where she stayed and said to call and tell her when I’d return to Pattaya.

A Cheap Bangkok Stay Before Returning to Pattaya

I found a cheap guesthouse on Khao San Road and spent a few days in Bangkok visiting the cultural sites, temples, night markets, and more I’d met up with a very cool Australian guy and we did the tours by day and spent the evenings drinking rum of which he’d brought an ample supply from Australia. I did my best to keep expenses low to save money for Pattaya. Thanks much to my Australian friend and his rum because beer was typically the biggest part of my budget.

After a few days I called Far and told her that I’d be back in Pattaya the day after next. After another day of touring and drinking I said my goodbye to my Australian friend who kindly gave me a bottle of rum for the road and made my way back to Pattaya.

Far Has a New Boyfriend When He Calls from Pattaya

After arriving in Pattaya and checking into the hotel I called Far’s house. I was quite surprised and shocked when the woman who answered shouted down the phone “Far not here have new boyfriend!” She then said “I send new lady take care of everything okay?” Needless to say I was a bit stunned by this and very disappointed. In fact I called back a second time but also got the same response.

I decided to take a walk around Pattaya, found a small bar overlooking the beach and had a few beers and considered my options. I suppose I was naive back then and Far wasn’t interested beyond just keeping customers coming back. I really wasn’t interested in staying in Pattaya without Far so I decided to stay the night and move on the next day to Koh Samui.

When I got back to my hotel in the late afternoon one of the male employees noticed I was alone and approached me with “You want lady?” Feeling lonely and a bit buzzed after my daytime beer drinking session it seemed like a good idea. He came to my room a short while later with two ladies same routine. I chose the one I found more attractive and we sat in my room to get to know each other. Dang was 27 years old. She had two kids and also from Chiang Rai Province. She was certainly attractive but not like Far and her body showed the effects of childbirth. We got along well. Her English was passable. We spent the evening at a bar and she spent the night.

The next morning she asked if I’d like to spend another day with her and I agreed. She said she needed to go home to get a change of clothes and eat and she would be back in two or three hours. She’d bring a bathing suit and we’d go spend the day on the beach in Jomtien.

Whilst waiting for Dang to return I headed out for breakfast. On my way back to my room I walked by the room of a Canadian guy I’d met the day before and he invited me in to talk and hang out. I was playing dominoes with his lady friend when guess who shows up? It was Far. She ran into the room, threw her arms around me and started crying intensely. I excused us and we went back to my room where the crying turned into intense anger. “Why you take other lady?” she yelled along with other words of anger.

I did my best to explain that I was sad and disappointed that she didn’t wait for me and that I thought I was nothing special for her. She said that she really liked me but that she had to go with someone else I guess she didn’t get to pick and choose her customers. She said that she really liked me and it’s not her fault that she couldn’t meet me.

Dang Joins the Trip After Far’s Unexpected Return

So after a little more of her crying and me apologizing she pushed our conversation towards a makeup aerobic session. Just slightly awkward because I’m expecting Dang to return at some point.

So Dang does return and it is awkward because we’re sweaty from our aerobic session. Far and Dang talk a bit in Thai and of course I understand nothing. It turns out that Far will be accompanying us to Jomtien to spend the day also. Very awkward for me but I do my best to drown in beer.

When we return to the hotel after our day at the beach Far says that she needs to go back to her other client but that she will come back tomorrow she’s free. Then she also says that I should spend the night with Dang since I’d already paid. This was very awkward. Far was basically saying “Sleep with this woman tonight and I’ll see you tomorrow.” At this point I said that Dang cannot stay with me. In retrospect a big mistake because it causes her to lose face another Thai cultural point that I’m not familiar with. Ultimately they both leave and I get some dinner and turn in early sleeping alone.

The next day Far comes to see me and all is good between us. We spend a few days in Pattaya with the usual routine drinking at Jomtien Beach and hanging out in bars or discos in the evening. Then I tell her that I didn’t come to Thailand to spend all of my time in Pattaya and that I’m planning to travel to Koh Samui for a few days. Far says “Many beautiful ladies in Samui cannot let you go to Samui alone.” I tell her that I cannot afford to take her. She starts to bargain down her daily rate and ultimately I say to her “I can maybe afford to pay your daily rate but I cannot afford your daily beer consumption.

Meeting Juan During a Night Out in Pattaya

I move over to one and meet a very cute and attractive Thai woman named Juan. Juan is half Malay half Thai no kids and speaks English very well having spent time in Malaysia and Singapore. We play Connect 4 she usually wins. She is a cool and enjoyable person to be with.

At about midnight one of our friends comes over and she informs me that they’re going to the disco which opens at midnight and would I like to join them? I agree and we spend the night dancing and sweating as the disco is open air with no air conditioning. I’m a little surprised that Juan pays for every other round of drinks. When the disco closes we go to yet another small outdoor bar and they’re still open getting near sunup. I ask where she would like to go and she says back to my place. We head back there and spend the rest of the night like a man and a woman would. We wind up spending the next few days together enjoying each other’s company.

I was generally confused about Juan, wondering if she would ultimately want to be compensated for spending time with me. I asked her outright and she felt insulted. So we hang out, drink, and have aerobic sessions until it’s time to head back to Pattaya. My last night there we say our goodbyes and I go to bed early get my wake up call for the ferry back to Surat Thani.

An interesting side story to my time in Koh Samui in the Lamai nightlife area was a small ladyboy cabaret show and when not performing there were a good number of ladyboys milling about. One took a particular liking to me. She was a real stunner drop-dead gorgeous, as a better description in a white minidress long black raven hair and long tanned legs with high heels. She kind of stalked me around the nightlife area, inserting herself between Juan and me when we were dancing throwing her arm around my shoulders and dancing very close to me. I’d find her sitting on my rented scooter waiting for me at times. She apparently speaks no English but tells Juan how much she likes me but I tell her I’m not interested.

On the day I left Koh Samui, I had an early morning ferry to catch so I’m riding the pickup truck to the ferry and it’s making various stops. It goes through the nightlife area and stops close to an all night bar. The sun is coming up and my ladyboy friend is there looking as sexy as ever. She sees me at the back of the pickup truck with my luggage and clasps her hand in front of her chest, tilts her head, and frowns to express sadness at my leaving. She then walks over to the pickup truck in the sexiest way possible throws her arms around my neck plants a big wet kiss on me and turns and walks away without saying a word much to my surprise and to the shock of the others on the pickup truck.

I don’t have any interest in ladyboys but she made my loins stir at that moment. Laugh out loud.

Songkran with Far’s Family in Rural Chiang Rai

So I head back to Pattaya and spend a few days with Far. Songkran, the Thai New Year holiday is coming up and Far informs me that she’ll be heading back to her village in Chiang Rai and invites me to come along. She and several other girls from Chiang Rai are renting a minibus to drive them and I can ride along. Since I’m kind of winging the whole trip a chance to visit a Thai village and celebrate Songkran sounds interesting. I agree to go.

However the day before we’re due to leave for Chiang Rai Far informs me that I cannot ride the minibus with them. Dang remember her? is on the same minibus and refuses to ride with me. Could I figure out a way to get to Chiang Rai on my own? That started my next mini adventure.

Far gives me the address of her village written in English and I’m off to Chiang Rai. As some of your audience will know trying to get internal flights with one day’s notice and the day before Songkran holiday is a major undertaking. I was able to get a flight to Chiang Mai but not to Chiang Rai. I would need to take a bus from Chiang Mai to Chiang Rai.

I arrive in Chiang Mai on the eve of Songkran. On the airport shuttle bus into town I meet another American fellow and we chat. At the bus station in Chiang Mai I get a tuk tuk to take me to find a hotel. But after about an hour or so it’s hopeless. We range from hostels to high end hotels but there are no hotel rooms in Chiang Mai to be found. So I find a nice outdoor bar to spend some time and consider my options and run into the American I’d met on the bus. A nice stroke of luck. I tell him about my lack of hotel room and he agrees to keep me company over a few beers. We wind up drinking until sunup at which point I get a tuk tuk to the bus station.

I somehow managed to choose the wrong bus station winding up at the one for locals no air conditioning, seated five across with no reclining seats, versus the one for tourists, which had air conditioning and large, comfortable reclining seats. I feel bad for the Thais seated next to me because my naturally broad shoulders take up precious room. But of course they’re kind and gracious and practice their English with me even though I can barely stay awake my head is flopping around like a rag doll most of the 4-hour trip.

The bus arrives at Chiang Rai station which in 1990 is a dusty unpaved lot with lots of dirt in the air from all the traffic. It’s probably 40 degrees and it’s bone dry this time of year. I searched the bus station for someone who spoke English and it turns out the station manager is quite fluent. He then finds a taxi driver reverse translates Far’s address and drives me to Far’s village in about 30 minutes.

Finding Far’s Family Home and Joining the Village Festival

It’s a small village with undeveloped homes and no paved roads but it has electricity. There are no individual home addresses so the driver hopefully goes house to house inquiring about Far’s home. Finally we’re directed to her house. Her aged parents answer the door and speak not a word of English but fortunately point up the road where Far is riding a scooter. She’s a bit surprised and very happy that I made it.

The village is in the middle of the Songkran festival. Far takes me to a number of her friends’ and relatives’ homes and everyone is happy to celebrate with the farang. There’s plenty of beer and homemade gut rot rice wine to be consumed. Everyone wants to throw water on the farang. In town later we wiggle down by the river where much of the town is picnicking and celebrating. As the farang celebrity here in town the little girls are blowing me kisses and several men ask me to come and have a drink with their families. I get extremely drunk and somehow wind up back at Far’s house passed out. I’m just happy that I didn’t vomit and embarrass her.

We spend the next couple of days celebrating Songkran though a little more subdued after the first day’s excesses. Sometime around this point, Far starts talking about me making a return trip to Thailand. I’m noncommittal given my situation but tell her I’d love to come back when the time is right. She also mentions in somewhat broken English that she will get a passport and visa so she can travel as well. I’m good with this.

My time in Thailand is getting short and I need to check in with the courier company that sponsored my flight to Bangkok. Far informs me that there is one phone in the village, hard to imagine these days and we go there and the phone is not working and there will be no repair soon due to Songkran. The rule is I need to check in with the courier company at least 3 days before departure. So Far suggests we spend 3 days in Chiang Rai City and I can call from there. We say our goodbyes to Far’s family and take the bus to Chiang Rai and check into a nice modern hotel. After shaving and showering with water from a well for 3 days I’m pleased to be back to a modern bathroom with running hot water.

Far Expects a Future Together After Their Short Relationship

It comes to the morning of my last day in Chiang Rai and Far and I exchange addresses. She asks about my return trip and I tell her I’m not sure. We talk more and it becomes clear that her expectation was that I’d return fairly soon and when I do she’d return to America with me hence the passport and visa. I tell her that I cannot commit to that who can commit to a long-term relationship after just a few weeks? This makes her very angry with me and she storms out of the room with a harsh goodbye.

Not wanting to separate on such a negative note I chase her down the hall and she comes back into the room more angry words. She’s very angry with me and with herself. After half an hour or so she leaves for good. I was very sad for our relationship to end in such a negative way. I don’t think I did or said anything to create such expectations but perhaps again it was me being naive about Thailand the girls and farangs. In retrospect visiting her village was likely a signal of something deeper but at the time I didn’t see it that way.

I never heard from Far again. After returning to the US I did write her a letter that I got translated into Thai at a local translation agency but never heard back from her.

A Final Bangkok Encounter with a Vietnam Veteran

Quite depressed at this point, I head to the airport and fly back to Bangkok and check into the airport hotel. I plan to get to bed early for my early morning flight back to New York. I thought my Thailand adventure was over at this point but there was one more interesting episode.

After checking into the airport hotel it was early evening and I headed down to the hotel bar for a snack and a couple of beers. I sit at the bar have a couple of beers and a snack and decide to pay my bill. As I speak with the bartender a gentleman seated a few stools down from me looks over and says “You sound like an American.” I agree and he starts a conversation. “We don’t see many Americans down here” he says. So he convinces me to have a couple of beers with him his treat. He’d love to spend some time with an American, he says.

We have a few beers and he tells me his story. He’s a Vietnam vet who returned to the US to a hostile atmosphere for returning soldiers. He had trouble adjusting to life back in the US and fondly remembers his R&R time in Bangkok. He’s actually getting a bit teary describing his post war experience. So he moves to Thailand to be with the girls and being from the Army Corps of Engineers during his wartime stint he’s able to land a job making a ridiculous amount of money, $100,000 a year in 1990 building golf courses. He enjoys life in Thailand and now has a Malay wife who also allows him to enjoy the Bangkok nightlife periodically. He’s at the hotel to get a massage and spend time with his favorite Thai lady from the hotel spa. Yet another cultural shock for me that his wife allows him to do this.

Continuing over the beers I describe my various experiences in Thailand and my naivety and he laughs at me. “Haven’t you heard the song ‘One Night in Bangkok‘?” Haha. I told him I’d heard the song but didn’t pay attention to the lyrics.

So I decide it’s time to get to sleep but he insists that we go to the hotel spa sit in the hot tub and drink a couple of beers and get a massage from the ladies working at the spa. He will treat me which is great because I’ve exhausted my money. We head to the hotel spa and after the hot tub we’re asked to choose a lady for a massage from a lineup of half a dozen or so. He picks his favorite number 109. Funny how I can remember such a small detail from that long ago. And I pick the one I find most attractive.

I say goodbye to my friend. My lady takes me to my hotel room where she gives me a bath a massage and an aerobic session. I really didn’t expect such a service to be offered at a respectable hotel. After my lady friend leaves it’s now about 300 a.m. and I need to leave for the airport. It might be hard to imagine but at this point I’m actually getting bored with it all. I just stay awake until 5:00 a.m. head to the airport at that point. I’ve never been good at sleeping on aircraft but I sleep practically the entire way back to New York waking only to change aircraft in Tokyo.

The Culture Shock of His First Thailand Trip

Such is the adventure of my first visit to Thailand tremendously enjoyable but certainly a culture shock and a reverse culture shock when I arrive back in the US. I hope your audience will enjoy my story.