From Holiday Romance to Financial Disaster in Thailand

I used to holiday in the same place for years. There’s a little town in the Algarve in Portugal called Albufeira, and that was the place I liked to go more than anywhere else in the world. I haven’t been back for a long time since these events unfolded, but I can picture the steep hill winding down to the main little town at the bottom, the beach there, and the bars perched everywhere with good views over the ocean.

It was from there that I made many great long-lasting memories. It was also the location that I met a girl.

A Holiday Romance That Changed Everything

I think many people who go on holiday have their holiday romances. Everyone’s in a good mood and having a good time, and it’s easier to get together with people when you’re on holiday. I thought my last trip there, I met a girl that would change my life forever.

She said she was from Thailand, and I thought that was fascinating. Asia was a long way away, and I didn’t know anything about it. Her name was Ning. At least that was her nickname. When she told me what her real name was, I had a big difficulty pronouncing it.

I’d never met anyone from Thailand before, but in one of those bars in Albufeira, I met her and it started out as any other holiday romance. The difference was she seemed to be more serious. She seemed to want to get to know me, and she asked if we could go the following day to look at the sights and sounds, as she put it. I had no other plans and was happy to continue with this holiday romance.

The Cliffs and a Confession

So, she took me to some cliffs nearby where people jumped into the ocean. And she said she’s always wanted to try it, but was always too scared. I thought nothing of it and jumped in the ocean from the cliffs. It was a long way down, but easy to climb back up again, and she looked like she really wanted to try, but was too scared.

That’s when she brought up that she was married to a man from England, but she was still married to him and they had separated. He had used his European rights this was before Brexit to move to Portugal and had brought her with him.

She said that was approximately 2 years ago, but they separated 6 months ago after she said he had spent too much time away from home and not enough time with her. She told me that she was very sad because she loved being married. She just hoped that she could find somebody else who would treat her better.

I didn’t know why she was pushing all this onto me on our second date together. She seemed to be getting so deep and serious so quickly, but I went along with it because I was having a good time with her.

Getting to Know Each Other

We continued on from the cliffs which she didn’t dare to jump off and walked around the town into a bar. I think if I can remember, we ordered margaritas and we remained in the bar a few hours just talking. I wasn’t thinking about anything like this could turn into something serious.

I was 55, single all my life, apart from some minor relationships every now and then. But I left Portugal. I always thought I would eventually move to Portugal, but that would be the place where I would retire. I remember talking to her about that as well, but she said it was her dream to go back to Thailand.

She talked about Thailand all the time the city of Bangkok (I’d never heard of it), how beautiful the beaches were there. She talked about some of the islands, but most of all, she talked about the place where she came from. She said she came from a countryside location far removed from the trappings of Bangkok.

She went on to talk about how her family were poor and she worked in Bangkok to help support them, and that’s when she met her husband.

The Age Gap

I hadn’t yet asked what her age was. I don’t know why, but I just thought she must have been in her 40s. She didn’t look it, but I thought the fact that she was talking to me, she couldn’t have been younger than that. But when she told me she was 32, I thought it was odd that she was speaking to a guy over 20 years older than her. I didn’t realize this because I was having a good time. I just thought maybe in Thailand that’s how they did things.

After we finished in that bar, we went back to my hotel. She was always the one instigating things. It seemed like she knew what she was doing, but I had no idea at the time what her intentions could potentially be. I’d never had so much attention from a woman my whole life.

She Didn’t Want Me to Leave

When she asked if I wanted to go out with her the next day, of course I did. I’m having a great time here. But it kept going on day after day until the end of my holiday was only 2 days away. When I told her that, she appeared to be really sad and upset, saying that she didn’t want me to go, that she wished I could stay with her.

She even said she wanted to divorce her husband as quickly as possible because she wanted to get married to somebody else that loved her for her, and she felt like we could get married. All this talk should have sent me running, but instead of that, I was moving closer towards her.

An Unbelievable Invitation

When the last day of my holiday came around, she told me that she really liked me and asked if I would like her to go back to England with me.

I didn’t know what to say about that, but perhaps I wasn’t thinking straight. I was already semi-retired. I had been self-employed my whole life and I was just going back to England because that’s what I thought was what I did after you’d gone on holiday. Never thought about the idea of staying longer in Portugal or going anywhere else. But she was starting to fill my mind with all these ideas of things that I could do with my life if I wanted to.

I admit to being too open talking about how much savings I had and that I was semi-retired. I should have been careful about this, but I thought she was seeing the money and acting in a way like she was interested in me. I didn’t even think I had a lot of money, but I bet she thought it was a lot.

Bringing Her Back to England

I told her I didn’t know about her going to England. We’d only just met each other. She used her charm on me, and somehow I found myself booking her a ticket to go back to England with me. And this was from nothing. I’d known her for 10 days and she was going to be coming back to my house.

It was weird boarding the plane with her. She already had a visa for England that her old husband got for her. And when we got there, I had my car parked at the airport. We just got in the car and drove back to my house.

It was kind of like, “Well, this is my house. This is the living room. This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom.” What else was I supposed to say? She just made herself at home straight away. And I went along with it because I was liking the company and attention she was giving me.

I hadn’t had a good time like that in years and she’d made me feel young again, if I’m being honest.

My Friends Were Suspicious

That night I went down to the local to meet up with some friends. I took her along with me and told them that she was my girlfriend. They all looked at me like there was something wrong with me when I told them that she was living with me after only knowing her for 10 days. But they went along with it and she was really nice to them and pleasant and never highlighted any negative traits.

It was weird being in England with her. I’d been doing my work and then all of a sudden she’d come into the room with a plate of food or a cup of tea or something. I’m not going to say I didn’t like it. I loved it and I didn’t think anything was wrong. She stayed with me for 2 months and again I have to say I was having the best time I’d had in ages.

The Dream of Thailand

I’d been single, and I suppose I wasn’t single just by choice. I was probably single because I could never find somebody who I loved. But she was behaving in a way like I’d always imagined a girlfriend of mine would behave kind of like a fantasy figure but she was living it for real. And not only that, she was living with me in my house.

It was around this time that she started to bring up Thailand and how much she missed Thailand and how much she would love to go with me to Thailand. She’d love to be able to show me everything about Thailand. She said it was her dream to move there and she missed her country so much.

I thought she was just talking like this to make conversation. At the time, I didn’t realize she was serious, but she kept talking about it. Not every day, but she dropped it into conversations every now and then until I got to the point that yes, she really wanted to go to Thailand.

The Divorce Arrangement

One of the problems was that she was still married to her husband. They spoke very briefly and it was clear that he desperately wanted to get divorced from her and she wanted to get divorced from him. They were married in Thailand and it would be easier for them to get divorced in Thailand. With both parties agreeing to it, I was told it was an easy process.

I didn’t look at this whole thing with her old husband as being a negative. Far from it. I thought they just didn’t see eye to eye in the relationship and they wanted to go their separate ways. He probably saw me as being the perfect excuse to be able to get divorced without it costing him any money. But I just saw him as being the guy who missed out on a perfect girl.

All being said and done, it was arranged that we would go to Thailand together and her husband would go to Thailand separately and they would meet up to do the divorce and then she would be free.

One Friend’s Warning

When I told my friends I was going to Thailand, most of them just said, “Oh, have a good time.” But there was one guy who had been there before and knew the ropes and he looked at me and said, “Be careful, mate.” That’s all he said. He said it with a smile on his face, so I didn’t think anything of it. But those words would definitely ring true.

First Impressions of Bangkok

It was a bloody long way to Thailand. Had to change planes and everything. When I got there, I was exhausted. I could see how excited Ning was to be there. She looked to be in her element and she was dancing down the aisle at the Bangkok airport and smiling at me, beaming from ear to ear, saying she can’t wait to go and show me some things.

All I wanted to do was get to the hotel. I was knackered. When we finally got there after sitting in traffic for over an hour on gridlock streets, I just crashed immediately and woke up hours later. She was a bit upset, saying she’d been waiting hours to show me around. It was about 8:00 p.m. when I woke and I felt like it was morning, but I was feeling ready to go and see what Bangkok was all about.

Soi Cowboy Not My Scene

One thing I’ve learned is that where people take you on your first time in Thailand says a lot about them and how they perceive Thailand to be. But she told me she wanted me to look at the crazy nightlife. So, she took me to Soi Cowboy. I didn’t last very long there. It wasn’t something that I liked. It was wild and crazy, but way over the top.

When she saw I wasn’t liking it, she just laughed and said we had to check it out once when you’re in Thailand. There were lots of places like that around Bangkok. Loads of single guys there just enjoying themselves with the ladies. But it wasn’t my scene.

And when she realized it wasn’t my scene, she just brushed it off as being a joke that she took me there. It never crossed my mind that she worked at a place like that when she met her husband and this to her was normal. But those were thoughts I started to have months down the line.

Just to say I did not like Bangkok. I would not do Bangkok again if I could help it. It was too busy and chaotic, and going from one place to another was so difficult. They had the BTS Sky Train, but it didn’t always drop you off at the door. You get out of the station and you might have to walk 500 yards to get where you want to go. By the time you’re there, you’re already dripping with sweat. You’d walk into one of the places with freezing air conditioning, get a chill down your spine, and it wasn’t pleasant.

Koh Samui Paradise Found

It was an adventure being in Bangkok, and I’m glad I went, but she thought it would be best to take me somewhere else. And that’s when she told me about Koh Samui. She told me it was her favorite island and the beaches were beautiful and it was a paradise.

We flew there from Bangkok in no time on Bangkok Airways and I can remember seeing the island for the first time and walking around this was definitely more like it. This is what I expected Thailand to be like and it made the beaches around the Algarve in Portugal, where I’d been year after year, look bad in comparison. I was starting to understand why people went to Thailand now.

The Divorce Is Finalized

We had a fantastic time there, but then we had to go back to Bangkok because her husband was coming and they were going to get their divorce finalized. I didn’t go along when they did it, but she came back holding a piece of paper and she was waving it around saying that the divorce was finalized. I couldn’t read what it said, but she said she was free again. She seemed to be so happy, and that made me happy.

By this time, I felt like we were a full-blown couple. And the fact she wasn’t married anymore was amazing.

Meeting the Family

She had not once mentioned her family from the time when I met her until now, apart from at the start when she said she worked in Bangkok to help support them before she met her old husband. But as soon as she was divorced, she said she wanted to go and visit her family. I thought that sounded like a good idea. I wanted to go and see her family. I was starting to feel like the relationship was going to last for a long time.

But when I said that I would happily go and visit them, she said we’d have to be careful because we weren’t married and it wasn’t Thai culture to just go and meet. I thought that was a bit strange, but she did say if we told them we were getting married, then it wouldn’t be a problem.

“Well, as long as that’s going to help, then I’m okay with that,” I told her.

The Long Journey to Udon Thani

From when I said that, she matter-of-factly packed up the bags and said, “Let’s go.” We got in a taxi to the bus station and then a 10-hour god-awful bus journey to a place called Udon Thani. When we finally arrived, I was exhausted. It was a night bus journey, and I couldn’t understand why people were able to sleep as it was so uncomfortable. But the town looked decent enough a bit like Bangkok, but without the craziness. And I thought, what a nice place for her to live or come from.

She said her family lived half an hour away in the countryside, so we needed to find transport to get there. There were no taxis like there were in Bangkok you could just hail and they would pull over but we managed to find transport to take us there.

Her Family Home

When we got there, it was a shock to the senses. On the one hand, it was the most idyllic location I’d ever seen, but the house that appeared to be her family’s was very basic. I was introduced. We did all the formalities and the family seemed to be really friendly.

They were very different to her, as though she’d seen the world and she was more sophisticated. They were still the country sorts, but they were friendly, and they seemed to be nice people.

The first thing that struck me, though, was where were we going to sleep? They just had a single room, and off the room they had a tiny bedroom, which is where her mother and father slept. She didn’t have any children and through bad translation, it was like her parents wanted her to have children soon because she was getting older. I think that’s what the translation was.

But we were told we could sleep in her parents’ bedroom and they would sleep outside. I felt really uncomfortable, but what choice did I have? And I went along with it.

The Land

The next day, she said she wanted to show me something. I was intrigued and I followed her out on the family’s motorcycle which she said I got to get on the back of. It was a brand new bike as well. We’ll get to that later. We didn’t have any helmets and she couldn’t drive very well, but 5 minutes later we arrived at a block of land.

“This is my land,” she said, “and it’s my dream to build a house here one day and live here forever.” The land looked beautiful. It was green and lush and there were no other houses bordering it. It was kind of like just outside the village but still in the village.

I think she took me to see it at the perfect time. It was the rainy season which made it look so beautiful. Seeing it in the dry season is a bit different. But she talked about how she bought this land with her old husband and they were going to build a house on it together and live there. But he wanted to move to England and then to Portugal, and this was where she’d always dreamed of being.

 

Selling the Dream

I could see the appeal. I needed to be honest about how I was truly feeling, and I saw the appeal of living there. I started to picture what it would look like when it was ready. Small but beautiful house. A garden where you could have a barbecue every single day. Having barbecues in England was a rare and amazing event, but here you could do it every day. I even pictured where I could put a chair and read and just wile away the hours.

It seemed like such an impossible dream. But think about it I’d only been in Thailand for just over a week, and I didn’t know how things cost here. She said one day she will have her house here. She looked at me and said, “Why don’t we build it together?” with a cheeky smile. And then she hugged me.

“I can’t afford that,” I told her. I thought it was going to be hundreds and hundreds of thousands of pounds like it would be at home. But she said, “Oh, I know it’s expensive, but I think we could get together 3 million baht. Then we could have the perfect house here.”

I wasn’t yet well understanding the currency conversion rates, but that sounded like it was a fraction of what I was expecting it to cost. She did the conversion for me and said something like £70,000.

The Point of No Return

That’s the moment when you either embrace what you’re being told, go along with it, and think it’s a good idea, or you run for the hills as fast as you can without looking back. You probably know that I decided to embrace this idea because all of a sudden, this idyllic life seemed possible and within reach.

I worked everything out, and I did have enough money to be able to build a house. We’d need a car as well, but I had enough money for that. And if I rented out my house in England, that should give us enough money to be able to live there. Then I could be retired and never have to work again, and I could live in paradise.

I didn’t want to get ahead of myself and agree to anything, but I could tell how much she wanted it. I didn’t know yet that foreigners couldn’t own land. I was brand new to Thailand. I didn’t even know what visa I would need or if there was a visa that would be possible for me to stay there. I thought the most sensible thing to do was to just think about it.

When I said that, she proceeded to walk onto the land and say, “This is where we could park the car. This is where the living room would be, and it would look out over the rice fields at the back. We could have a proper western kitchen here.” She knew I like to cook. “We could have the perfect life.”

She was really selling the dream.

Back to England to Do the Sums

We were due to fly back to England in a week, but this would be very different. We left Udon Thani and returned to Bangkok where we spent the remainder of the time in Thailand. We were talking about the house regularly, but I tried to be the sensible one as sensible as you can be and said, “Let’s go back to England. Let’s do the sums and let’s work it out if it is indeed going to be possible.”

She seemed upset but understood that was probably the best thing to do and therefore the best thing for her to go along with. So, we returned to England and back to my house.

I think she knew that when I got back to England, I’d want to be in Thailand straight away, and I’d want to live the dream, as opposed to living the boring existence that I had there.

Going All In

We’d only been back a couple of months, and we decided that we were going to go for it in Thailand. We’d go back to Thailand, we’d get married, and we’d start to build our house.

I wasn’t getting too far ahead of myself, and when we did get back to Thailand, I went to speak to a legal firm that could help me with everything because I didn’t know what the law was or anything about anything. They told me as a foreigner, I couldn’t own the land, but I could get a lease on it. They told me that I could get a retirement visa which I could renew every year, or if I was married I could get a marriage visa and renew that every year.

So far so good. I was thinking and I decided then that I was going to build a house.

The Wedding and the House

We actually bought a car in Bangkok and drove it up to Udon Thani where we had a ceremony with the whole village attending. Apparently, we were married, but we weren’t married on paper because the legal firm told me that we would need to be married on paper for me to use that for the extension of stay. I was all for it. So, we arranged to get married and we got the paperwork for that.

It was so easy to get the visa and the extension of stay, although I did have to leave the country to get the initial visa. But it was fun going with Ning somewhere else.

7 months later, the house was built and we moved in. I’d already rented out my house in England and put most of my savings into this house. And we were now living there.

Settling In

It took a bit of getting used to living there going to the local market to buy ingredients and realizing that the ingredients I wanted to buy we had to drive into the main town to the big supermarket to get. That wasn’t a problem. It was just one of those little niggles that you get used to over time.

The house was set up beautifully. I mean, it was really a nice house, and I could tell just how proud Ning was with it.

Up until this point in the relationship, she had not once asked or demanded anything from me. She used to have a bit of her own money, and I since learned that her ex-husband put some money in her bank a long time ago, and she decided that it was hers and didn’t give it back to him. Was that the reason for the divorce from him? It could have been.

Sometimes when we went places, she used to pay and I used to pay just like it always was in England. Like when we were in Thailand for the first time, she’d pay at some of the bars and I’d pay in some of the others. She would pay at some of the restaurants and I would pay at some of the others. So, I thought she had her own money as well, just not enough to build a house.

Signs I Missed

One thing that I did find this was on the first trip when we went to visit her family. Although the house was very basic and difficult to sleep in, they did have a brand new widescreen television. They did have a brand new motorcycle that was the one that she took me on to look at the land and they had some other creature comforts that other houses in the area didn’t seem to have. I didn’t think anything of it. And why would I?

So, you’ll forgive me for being shocked when one day after we’d been living at the house for approximately 6 months, Ning came to me saying that we needed to help pay for her cousin’s children’s school fees or something along those lines.

The Money Runs Out

Firstly, I said, “How nice of you to help.” But she said that I’m going to need to pay because she doesn’t have any money. I asked her what she meant by that, and she said that the money she’s had has run out and she doesn’t have any more money.

I didn’t really understand what she was talking about, and it was only a small amount of money, so I paid and thought nothing of it. But the next day, she said we needed to go shopping. She’d always been shopping by herself before and bought things. I bought things as well. I bought 75% of the things up until that point, but she’d always bought things as well. She’d never said to me early in the morning that we need to go shopping before.

Again, I didn’t think much of it and we went to buy some things. A thousand baht or so, no problem. But this kept going on. She changed beyond belief and always wanted me to go and buy things. Help out this family member with this problem. Help this person out with that. She wanted a new thing for the house. And it was like a light bulb had just turned on. Who I thought she was, it appeared she wasn’t.

The Truth Comes Out

After this went on for a few weeks, when it became clear that these were not one-off events that she was wanting money for, I really had to talk to her about it because I was so confused. She looked at me and said, “Don’t worry about it.” She said that the money she had has run out, so I can pay for everything instead.

“What do you mean pay for everything instead? You mean you expect me to continue like this, giving things to your family all the time and buying things for somebody else and getting anything you want on demand?” She looked at me as though she wanted to say yes, but she sort of didn’t.

Then I had to ask, “What money did you have, and why is it all gone? Where did you get it from?”

She went on to explain that her old husband had put some money of his in her account in Thailand before they left about 1 million baht to save. She said that she thought he gave it to her for her to use, but when she started spending it and helping her family with it, he was furious and said it was for us to save together. She didn’t say directly, but I think that’s why her ex-husband wanted to divorce her. In essence, she was stealing his money.

Granted, it was in her account, but I chose to believe that she was telling me her version of events. I asked if he had a lot of money. She said he had a bit, but not so much. Then I asked why would he let you just spend money at will, and she said she thought that’s what it was for.

So everything she’d been doing since she met me up until that point she was using her ex-husband’s money, appearing like she had her own money. But now it’s gone, and she’s going to expect me to pay for everything. That was a huge shock to the system.

Setting Boundaries

I didn’t know anything about Thai families and the goings on, but I quickly told her that I’m happy to pay for us and very occasional gifts of very small amounts of money for emergencies, but nothing more. She didn’t seem very happy about that, but agreed and said that’s fine. And we went on living, and I was enjoying living there. I was enjoying being married. I thought we were great together.

But she couldn’t be changed. At least two or three times a week, there was something that was needed that to me seemed like it wasn’t. I think she’d grown accustomed to being the rich one in the village who was able to help people at the drop of a hat. And for her, that status that feeling she got of being a cut above everybody else was more important to her than anything.

The Never-Ending Requests

So when her brother came along saying he needed to borrow some money 20,000 baht she wouldn’t feel the same if she wasn’t able to give it to him. So she comes along to me and says, “My brother needs to borrow 20,000 baht. He’ll pay it back.” I looked at her and said, “20,000 is a third of our monthly living expenses. I don’t have unlimited funds, you know.” But she said, “Oh, it’s just a one-off.”

How many one-offs can there be? To keep the peace, I lent the money, which was never returned. There were so many of these calls for money that I was starting to get bored and angry with her. I was never an angry person, and perhaps that’s what she saw in me someone who was easy to walk on but I was starting to get furious.

One month, I bet I handed over 100,000 baht just to keep her in the position she thought she earned somehow.

The Sunk Cost Trap

Like many people say, once you start giving a bit, it becomes more difficult not to give more because you feel like you’ve already invested and you don’t want to lose that initial investment. And that’s how I was feeling. I’d sunk nearly my life savings into this house on the understanding that things would remain the same between us. But things didn’t remain the same, and she wanted more and more and more.

The annoying thing was it wasn’t for her. Sometimes it was for her, but usually it was to help other people.

The Final Straw

Her brother came back, this time saying he needed to borrow 50,000 baht. I asked what happened to the initial 20,000 that hasn’t been paid back. And it was told that he needed this 50,000 in order to be able to get the other 20,000 back to me. But I just put my foot down and said, “There’s no way in hell I’m giving you any more money.”

That’s when the emotional blackmail starts. “You don’t love me. You’ve never loved me. You don’t care about my family.” And all I can say is we have a budget to live on. And if we don’t stick to the budget, we can’t live. But that didn’t make any sense to her. Everything was living for today and today alone, not even worrying about tomorrow. And that was alien to me.

When I didn’t give the 50,000 baht, and it became clear I wasn’t going to give it, I saw a side of her I’d never seen before, and I didn’t like it.

Walking Away

I managed to last another 6 months in that house, giving bits of money here and there, but I just tried to do it to keep the peace. It wasn’t sustainable and I didn’t like my new position in life. It wasn’t my intention to be someone who just gave money out to people at will just so I could stay in the house that I built, but wasn’t legally mine.

It all came about when another big request came in. Can’t remember what it was for. And I put my foot down and said no. Huge argument and I walked out and told her I never wanted to see her again. She tried to stop me, saying she was sorry she would never ask again. But I’d done this three times before, and each time she’d always asked again, so I knew this time wouldn’t be different.

I left completely, writing off the house and writing off all the money I’d given and lent to people. I made it back to Bangkok and flew straight back to England. One positive was that her visa for England had expired, so there was no way she could come after me.

Still Married in Thailand

We’re still legally married as far as I’m concerned in Thailand. I don’t actually know if she’s managed to get a divorce.

Going back to the start of my email if there was something I could have watched, something I could have read, some research I could have done that told me about the things that could happen, I wouldn’t have been in this position to begin with. But I went in blind, not knowing anything about how things worked in Thailand. And that was my downfall.</