I Wasn’t Scammed in Thailand But I Still Became the ATM

Meeting a Thai Girlfriend in Chiang Mai

My name is Alan. You can use my real first name if you want. I’m 52 and from just outside Abedine in Scotland. I’ve worked offshore for most of my adult life. I’m divorced. I’ve got two grown-up daughters and I first came to Thailand in 2018. The first trip was nothing exciting. Phuket for 2 weeks with two lads from work. Beaches, bars, too much beer, and all the usual stuff men do when they arrive in Thailand and temporarily forget they are middle-aged. I enjoyed Thailand, but I wasn’t one of those people who immediately decided that I was moving there. I went home, went back to work, and didn’t return for nearly 2 years. Then, obviously, CO happened, and Thailand disappeared off the radar for a while. I came back at the end of 2022. This time, I traveled alone. I spent a few days in Bangkok, went to Wahin, and eventually ended up in Chiang Mai. That’s where I met my girlfriend, who I’ll call Be because I don’t particularly want her family finding this video and recognizing every detail.

Now, Bee was 38 at that time. She wasn’t working in a bar. She worked in an office connected to a logistics company. Her English was decent, but not brilliant. We actually met in a coffee shop. I know that sounds like something from a romantic film, but there was nothing romantic about it. I was trying to order something. The girl behind the counter couldn’t understand what I was saying and B helped translate. I thanked her. We started talking and that was it. She gave me her line ID. We met for dinner the following evening. And what I liked about her was that she didn’t seem particularly interested in the fact I was a foreigner. On our second date, she actually asked me why foreign men always wore shorts everywhere. I said because it’s 32°. She said Thai men also live in Thailand and somehow managed to own trousers.

Fair point. We spent quite a lot of time together over the next week. When I went back to Scotland, we carried on talking. There were no requests for money. That was important to me because I’d already heard all the stories. I’d watched YouTube. I’d read forums. I knew about sick buffaloos. family emergencies, houses in the girlfriend’s name, and monthly allowances. I thought I knew exactly what to look out for. Looking back now, I knew absolutely nothing. For about 8 months, we had a long distance relationship. Because of my offshore schedule, I could spend several weeks in Thailand at a time, then go back to work. Eventually, I started staying at Bee’s condo. She paid 7,500 Bart a month for her condo. The first time I offered to pay the rent, she refused. I remember thinking this was basically proof that I had found one of the good ones.

That is embarrassing to write now because I was still dividing Thai women into categories based on whether they asked me for money. Life is not that simple. After we’d been together for about a year, she asked if I’d like to meet her family. They lived in a village in Pa Province. Her mother, father, younger sister, sister’s husband, and various nieces and nephews were all either living there or nearby. Before we went, I asked Be. She said no. I bought some whiskey anyway. Her father seemed delighted with it. Her mom cooked enough food to feed an army. Everyone was incredibly welcoming. There was no awkward conversation about money. Nobody asked what I earned. Nobody tried to sell me a buffalo. I came away thinking I’d been worrying about nothing. Over the next year, I visited the family probably five or six times.

And this is where things slowly started changing. Not dramatically. That’s important. There was never a moment where somebody sat me down and said, “Alan, you’re the foreigner, therefore, you pay.” It happened in tiny steps. We’d go out for dinner with the family and I would pay. Fair enough. I’d taken everyone out. Then we’d stop at a supermarket on the way back and be would put some shopping in the trolley for her mom. I’d pay for that as well. Again, no big deal. Maybe 2,000 Bart. One time, her father’s motorbike needed repairing. It was 4,800 Bart. Be was talking to her dad about it, and I asked what was wrong. She explained, “I said I’d pay for it. Nobody asked me.” That distinction became very important in my head.

I would tell myself they never ask me for money and technically that was true. But I was gradually becoming involved financially because I kept volunteering. There was always something. A school uniform for her niece, a hospital bill for her mom, new tires for the pickup, a contribution towards a family celebration.

Thai Relationship Money and Family Pressure

None of these things individually were ridiculous. And because I earned good money offshore, 3,000 or 5,000 Bart here and there didn’t hurt me. The strange part was that I started enjoying being able to help. Her family treated me well. Her dad would have beers waiting for me. Her mom learned what food I liked. The kids would run over when we arrived. After years of being divorced and living mostly by myself, it actually felt nice. I felt useful. That’s probably the best word for it. Useful. Then in early 2025, be lost her job. The company she worked for downsized and several people were let go. She was devastated. She’d worked there for nearly 7 years. Obviously, I told her not to worry.

I was already spending several months a year in Thailand, and we talked about living together properly eventually. So, I said I would cover everything until she found another job. Her rent, food, electricity, car payment. It came to around 25,000 Bart a month. For me, that was manageable. I expected it would be for two or maybe 3 months. 6 months later, she still wasn’t working. She had applied for jobs, but the salaries were considerably lower than what she’d earned before. One company offered her 16,000 Bart a month. She refused it. That annoyed me. I said 16,000 was better than zero. She said after fuel, food, and traveling to work, there would hardly be anything left. So, we had our first proper argument. I accused her of becoming too comfortable because I was paying for everything. She accused me of thinking she was lazy.

We didn’t speak much for 2 days. Eventually, we sorted it out, but something had changed. Around the same time her parents started having financial problems. Her dad had stopped working due to his health and her mom had never had a proper pension. Be started sending them money. Except of course be didn’t have an income. So really I was sending them money. And again nobody actually asked me. I transfer money to be every month and some of it would go to her parents. At first it was 5,000 Bart then 8,000 then one month I worked it out and nearly 15,000 Bart had gone to different members of the family. I asked be about it. She immediately became defensive. She showed me everything.

There wasn’t anything suspicious. Her mom needed dental work. Her niece needed money for university. Her sister had borrowed 3,000 Bart. It was all real. That almost made it harder. If she’d been lying, the decision would have been easy, but she wasn’t. These were genuine problems. I just couldn’t understand why they were becoming my problems. That’s when Bee said something that I will never forget. She said, “Because you are my family now.” She meant it as something positive. But I heard it completely differently. I thought, “Bloody hell, when did I agree to financially adopt everyone?” I started becoming resentful. And once that happens, you notice everything. I’d see her sister buying something new and think, “Where did she get the money for that?” I’d see her father drinking whiskey and think, “I’m paying for that.” If someone suggested going to a restaurant, I’d immediately assume I was expected to pay. The funny thing is, nobody had actually changed.

I had. I started keeping score. One evening, we went out with Bee’s sister and her husband. When the bill arrived, it sat on the table. Normally, I would just grab it. This time, I deliberately didn’t. I wanted to see what would happen. Nobody moved. We sat there for what felt like 5 minutes, although it was probably 30 seconds. Eventually, Bee picked up the bill. I could tell that she was embarrassed. When we got back to the condo, she was furious. She asked why I’d embarrassed her in front of her family. So I said, “Why is it embarrassing for your sister’s husband to pay for his own dinner?” That argument lasted until about 2 in the morning. And that’s when I finally understood something I had completely missed. Be wasn’t showing off my money.

She felt responsible for her family. When she had a job, she helped them herself. I never really noticed because it wasn’t my money. When she lost her job, the responsibility didn’t disappear.

Becoming the ATM in a Thai Relationship

The source of the money simply changed. From my perspective, I was supporting my girlfriend. From her perspective, we were a couple and therefore the money coming into our household was partly our money. That was a massive cultural difference between us. But I also realized I’d helped create the situation. Every time I pulled my wallet out during those first two years, I thought I was being generous. But generosity becomes expectation remarkably quickly. Not because everyone is evil, because human beings adapt. If you pay for dinner 10 times, people expect you’ll probably pay for the 11th one. If you give someone’s parents money every month, it starts becoming part of their monthly finances. Stopping it then feels completely different from never starting it. So I told be things had to change. I wasn’t prepared to become the permanent income for an entire extended family. So she cried and I felt terrible. But I stuck to my guns. We agreed on a fixed amount.

I would cover our household expenses while she looked for work and we’d send her parents 6,000 bar per month. Anything beyond that had to be discussed. No random loans. No paying other relatives debts. No university fees for nieces and nephews unless we both agreed. Now be wasn’t happy about it, but she accepted it. The interesting thing is what happened next. She took the 16,000 bar job. not the exact same one because that position had gone but another job paying roughly the same. Suddenly that salary she’d previously considered too low had value again. Within a few months she found a better position paying just over 24,000 and the relationship improved massively. Not because I was paying less, because I stopped feeling like an ATM and she stopped feeling like she had to ask my permission every time somebody in her family needed something. She had her own money again. She could give her mom 2,000 Bart without discussing it with me. That independence mattered to her more than I had realized. We are still together now. We’ve been together just over 3 years.

I still spend a lot of time in Thailand, although I haven’t retired permanently. I still visit her family and I still pay for dinner most of the time. Her dad still mysteriously discovers the expensive whiskey whenever I am visiting. Some things apparently transcend culture, but I see everything differently now. I used to watch stories about foreigners getting into financial trouble with Thai families and think they were idiots. I’d think, just say no. It’s incredibly easier to say that when you’re sitting at home watching YouTube. It’s much harder when the woman you love tells you her mother needs dental treatment or her father can’t afford medicine. or a kid you’ve known for 3 years might have to stop studying because the family doesn’t have the money. Nobody needs to scam you. Sometimes you hand over the money because you genuinely care about the people and that’s where I think some foreigners get themselves into trouble. They confuse being needed with being loved and I probably did for a while. The more problems I solved, the more important I felt. Then eventually I resented everyone for relying on me, even though I trained them to rely on me. That’s the part I had to admit to myself. I’m not saying there aren’t families in Thailand who deliberately target foreigners. Obviously, there are.

I’ve seen enough examples myself. But I think there’s another situation which is probably far more common. A foreigner enters a family with an income that might be five or 10 times larger than everyone else’s. He wants to be generous. Everyone appreciates it. He enjoys the respect and attention. He starts paying for things. Then one day, usually a couple of years later, he suddenly asks why everybody expects him to pay for everything. Well, because he’s been paying for everything all along. I also think some Western men misunderstand the idea of helping parents. My daughters are adults. I love them, but I don’t expect them to financially support me. If I told my eldest daughter I needed £300 every month because she’s my daughter, she’d probably ask whether I had been drinking. Be sees it completely differently. Her parents looked after her. Now they are older.

She believes looking after them is her responsibility. I’m never going to change that. And actually, I don’t think I should. The only thing I can control is how much of that responsibility becomes mine. If I could give one bit of advice to somebody starting a serious relationship in Thailand, it wouldn’t be never give a Thai woman money. That is way too simplistic. I would say decide your boundaries before anybody needs anything because setting a boundary at the beginning feels normal. Setting one 3 years later feels like you’re taking something away. And don’t assume that because nobody has directly asked you for money, money isn’t affecting the relationship. I made that mistake for nearly 2 years. Bee’s family never demanded anything from me and they still haven’t. But I became part of a family where sharing resources is normal and I walked into it with completely different ideas about what family means. Neither side explained the rules because both sides assumed the rules were obvious. They weren’t.

I still love Thailand and I still love Bee. I actually love her family as well, although I could happily go the rest of my life without paying another pickup repair bill. Maybe that is the real lesson. Sometimes the foreigner isn’t being scammed. Sometimes the Thai woman isn’t using him. Sometimes two people genuinely love each other but have completely different ideas about money, family, and responsibility. And if you don’t talk about those differences early enough, eventually they do the talking for you.