Should I Marry a Thai Girl
I had been going to Thailand for many years before I finally made the decision to move there after I was offered a teaching job on my last visit. The job offer was the final push I needed, as far as I can remember I wanted to get out of my own country, so I packed up my life back home, which honestly wasn’t too hard, and got on a plane to start something new.
For context, I am 37 years old, from a western country, I’m not rich but I’m not poor, and I live a comfortable life in Bangkok. My place is nothing fancy, just a simple condo, but it’s in a good area and has everything I need. I can afford to go out and take a few trips around the country now and then, and have a steady income from my work and online stuff.
I grew up with good family values and Christian values, though most of the values have left since experiencing Thailand and the nightlife. I have lived in Bangkok for 5 years, teaching at an international school (not TEFLing).
When I first got to Thailand I did do a bit of dating here and there, but mainly I was focusing on myself and my future here.
For that first year, I was mostly just settling in, exploring the city, getting used to my job, trying to learn Thai and figuring out my new life here.
I’d hang out with friends that I made sometimes, and we would go to the bars, but I didn’t make it a habit; it wasn’t really my thing. Basically, I was just enjoying the freedom of being somewhere new. Dating wasn’t really on my mind yet.
Searching for a Thai Girlfriend
It wasn’t until about a year after being there that the time came where I did want to start looking for a girlfriend, someone to spend some time with, go on dates and all that other romantic stuff couples do. Strangely enough, I was not having much luck. I had only been on a few dates and I was already starting to get really fed up with the dating scene in Thailand. I was so fed up that I was ready to leave the dating world before I had even properly started it, because I thought that there was no way that I would ever find a Thai girl worth dating.
I mean, I was just a normal guy looking for a normal girl but it felt like trying to find a needle in a haystack. It seemed that Thai girls fell into two categories: hi so princesses who won’t even look at foreigners, and bar girls who will lie and cheat and scam their way into a relationship. I had met a girl from both of those categories. The hi so girl that I went on a date with was well out of my league; she was very stuck up, always talking about herself and indirectly talking down to me.
That whole date just felt like a job interview where I was failing every question. She ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and spent half the time on her phone. I just drank my beer and nodded along until it was finally over. I knew I wasn’t good enough for her, and she knew that also, so safe to say after our first date, we never reached out again and never spoke to each other again. The next was a bargirl. I did not meet her in a bar; I met her in 7 Eleven actually and we swapped numbers there. A few days after, we went out for a drink.
She was really cool and easy to talk to, way more down to earth than the hi so girl. She was actually a pretty decent girl, nice to be around, full of energy and could hold a conversation well, but I guess that’s normal considering her job.
She and I went out a few times and although I don’t really have bad things to say about it, by the 3rd or 4th time we went out, she started bringing up money. It just got a bit awkward after that. The easy-going and good mood from our first couple of dates started to fade a bit, and every conversation seemed to go back to how expensive life was for her. I started to feel less like a guy she liked and more like a potential sponsor in her eyes.
She didn’t ask me for any money but she would be saying things like “Maybe I can’t see you next week because I’ll have to work a lot to send more money home” just little things like that; it felt like she was trying to get me to offer help. So that was the end of that one, no hard feelings, and in fact I would go to her bar now and again to have a drink with her, but it was nothing serious and I continued my search.
Dating in Bangkok Felt Like a Transaction
There were many times where I would be out, whether in a pub, a club, or even the grocery store, and I would begin talking to a Thai woman. Usually I would just start small talk about the place we were in or what we were doing that day. I’d get a feel for their personality, see if they actually seemed interested in talking rather than just being polite.
I would ask general questions and then if she seemed interesting enough for me and seemed like she was up for seeing each other again, I would ask if I could get their number. The problem came when I would text them asking if they would like to go out to eat or get a drink together; the normal reply would be something like “how much you pay me” or “2,000 baht and I can come”.
It just got old real fast. Every time I’d ask a girl out, it felt like I was haggling at a market instead of asking someone on a date. I just wanted to go out for food or a beer with someone normal, but everyone seemed to have a price tag. I know what Thailand is like and I don’t knock it; a lot of men come here and want no strings attached fun, which is great if you are on holiday. You come, have your fun and then leave.
That’s fine for them. But when you actually live here, it gets pretty damn lonely. You see all these guys having their fun and moving on, but you’re just trying to find someone to watch a movie with on a Tuesday night without it turning into a transaction. It really is completely different if you live here, you are single and actually want to meet a decent woman to date.
You start realizing that meeting someone normal isn’t easy. Everywhere you go, it feels like people are sizing you up, and you’re constantly wondering if they’re interested in you or just what you can offer. It makes simple things like asking someone out feel complicated.
Being treated as a tourist still and constantly being told that I need to pay to date someone, it started getting annoying and I was sick of it.
Trying Online Dating
Where does one go to find normal girls in this country? Where do the middle class women hang out? Surely not every woman here is working. You see farang Thai couples everywhere walking around in Thailand; I guess I was just being unlucky and looking in all the wrong places. Out of frustration, I decided I would make one last attempt to meet “normal” Thai women.
A friend of mine that I had met in Thailand had been dating lots of Thai girls that he had met online; he was a player though and did not want to settle down, so dating multiple women was what he was looking for. I was looking for the opposite. He kept telling me to just get on the apps and have some fun like he did. He’d show me his phone with all these matches and say “see, it’s easy.” I figured he had a point. My way wasn’t working at all, so maybe I needed to try his way for a bit. What was the worst that could happen? With having bad luck so far, I thought I might as well follow in his footsteps and give online dating a shot, not like I had much to lose and I don’t think my luck could get any worse.
I downloaded 2 apps and created profiles; the apps were Tinder and ThaiFriendly. I am not sure if any of you have used ThaiFriendly before but if you have, you can probably guess what I am about to say. It is absolutely full of girls looking for money, and LB’s. It’s certainly a great app while you are on holiday and just looking for a bit of fun, but if you are looking for something serious then you can forget that app.
Tinder on the other hand was a little better; yeah there were still some of those types of people on there but I felt there were at least some normal girls on there. I’d swipe through and actually see university students, office workers, regular girls just looking to meet someone. It felt way more promising than ThaiFriendly. I started getting matches with women who had real jobs and didn’t immediately ask for money, something I wasn’t used to.
It was actually so easy to meet girls on that app; to this day, I still can’t believe how easy it is. Loads of women are on that site to choose from. I’ve heard some refer to the site as “the buffet”. And it practically is. For the next 6 months, I dated loads of Thai women whom I met on Tinder. And at first glance, most of these girls seemed like normal, good Thai girls. But they play their games, and I soon got tired of it.
They wouldn’t directly ask for money but again would hint at it; some would play mind games with slight manipulation and some would just straight up trick you for a night out. I remember meeting this one girl; we went out for dinner and then a few drinks, and everything was going fine as far as dates go.
The Rooftop Bar Date
We were at this rooftop bar, laughing and actually having a good time. She seemed cool and no obvious red flags. For once, it felt like I was just on a normal date with a normal person. We got along great, were having fun, and up until then I really had no complaints about her. We both wanted to keep the night going and she suggested we go meet her friends that were out in a type of club on Soi 11.
I was having a great time so I agreed and off we went. She was still being flirty with me in front of her friends and kissing me, that was until she and her friends wanted to go to a different club and bring me with them. It was time to pay and she asked if I could pay her friends’ bill. I couldn’t actually believe it; I thought she was joking at first so I just laughed but turns out she was being serious. I said no, paid for mine and her drinks and just walked out without saying bye.
It’s a shame because I really got along with her but she was in for the free night out. That’s what I mean about these girls playing games; you really have to be careful. Other girls I dated from there, most of them do not want a relationship. Most just want to see a foreign guy for a few dates. It felt like I was just some kind of experience for them to check off their list. Like dating a foreigner was just something fun to do for a couple weeks before they moved on to the next thing. Nobody was really looking for anything that would last.
I think the reason for this, from what I could tell, is many just want free dinner, or a free English lesson, or to show you off to their friends. I did have a few regulars that I would go and see on a weekly basis when we were both bored, just dinner and a bit of fun but it was strictly fun from both sides.
Out of all the girls, only one of them directly asked me for money that she could send home to her family; her number was quickly blocked. I started to make it clear when I would date these girls that I was looking for something serious, a relationship and not just fun, and I repeat, most of the girls did not want a relationship.
I got so tired of the same pattern that I started putting it right in my Tinder profile. “Looking for something serious” right there in the bio. I figured that would filter out the time-wasters and girls just looking for fun, but really, it didn’t change much. Girls would still match, go on a date or two, then eventually just ghost me. Whenever I would try and make it more than just fun, they would start playing games: not answering my text messages, cancelling on dates, flat out lying, practically just pushing me away without saying they don’t want me.
Meeting Pam on Tinder
I was ready to call it quits and just accept that it’s always going to be like this, casual dating and casual fun, nothing serious, and that’s how it’s going to stay in Bangkok. I had pretty much given up and was about to delete the apps for good. Then her profile popped up. Let’s call her Pam, which is not her real name. She wasn’t doing the usual mirror selfies or club photos, just a simple picture of her smiling in a shop or with friends. She looked genuine and that made me swipe right.
From her online profile, Pam was beautiful, intelligent, and young, being 10 years younger than me and just finished her university exams. This time, I wanted to take it slow; I did not want to meet straight away and ruin it with just a one-time thing, so we exchanged LINE accounts and began talking to each other.
We’d message throughout the day, just normal stuff about our jobs and what we were up to. No talk about money or hints about emergencies. It was just easy. It felt completely different to the other chats I’d had on there. We actually spoke for a few weeks before we agreed on meeting up; I wanted to make sure she was the perfect match and by all accounts, she was.
We finally met and went out for dinner; we spoke for hours that night and the fun we had was like no other dates I had been on. Honestly, we just clicked right away. None of that awkward small talk we were both just laughing and sharing stories from the start. The food came and went and we barely noticed.
She could actually hold a conversation; she wasn’t like the rest that made it all about her, butting in every second she could or checking her phone while sat with me.
Everything about her ticked all the boxes of what I look for in a woman; I thought maybe my luck might be changing.
Pam and I Begin a Relationship
She has made it clear to me that she does not date Thai men. It’s not that she thinks Thai men are bad; rather she does not want to live in Thailand for the rest of her life. Now here is the problem. While we were talking and getting to know each other, she told me that during her university studies she had been doing freelance work on the side just to make money.
My first thought was damn, not this again. I’d been down this road many times before and it never ended well. I had promised myself that I would not date these types of girls again because it always ends with nothing and I’m back at square one, but there was just something about this girl that I couldn’t just walk away from. She told me she wanted to be honest with me and that she wasn’t on this date just to get money from me; she told me that she had been looking to date someone rather than just work.
So there and then I had 2 choices: walk away and block her or give her the benefit of the doubt and stay. I just sat there for a second thinking about it. Then I figured what the hell, might as well see where this goes. Worst case I waste another night. Unlike the other girls I had been dating, I could tell sooner or later that they were playing games or just wanting money, but with this one, I actually believed her when she said she was looking for a relationship.
Turns out I was right about her. She never asked for anything to begin with anyway, never played those mind games. We just kept hanging out and it felt easy. And I am glad I believed her and stuck around after our first date because a couple of weeks after that date, we were an item and officially in a relationship.
We had the usual “breaking in” phase that every couple goes through: arguments and threatened breakups where each of us tries to set boundaries and such, checking up on phone messages and Facebook messages (mostly by her) but for the most part we are happy. What put an instant strain on our relationship pretty much straight away was her parents pressuring her for money to be sent home, like most Thai families do with their daughter.
It started almost right after we got together. Her phone would ring and she’d get that stressed look, talking fast in Thai. I didn’t need to understand the words to know what was going on. Funnily enough, this only started happening after we got together; word must have gotten to her parents that their daughter was in a relationship with a farang, and to most of the older Thais they see us as rich men, even though many of us, including me, are far from rich.
Money and Pams Family
Pam had not long been out of university; she worked part time as a waitress and did not have much money. Her family knew this but she would still have to send money to them. She laughed about it when we talked, saying her family treated her like an ATM, but I could tell it was getting to her. She was barely making enough to cover her own bills, let alone send money home. I could see it stressing her out every time her mom called.
I did not want this to happen, but I knew it would eventually; my girlfriend asked me if I could start helping financially due to her parents getting on at her. She looked proper embarrassed when she asked, couldn’t even make eye contact. I could tell she hated having to bring it up, but her family kept pushing her. This time it wasn’t just some random girl asking me for money; it was actually my girlfriend, and she had promised me she stopped freelancing and only works part time at the restaurant so I knew she was struggling.
We spent a bit of time talking about how she could budget and manage her own money too, figuring out what was reasonable for her parents and what she could actually afford, which turned out to be not much. I did offer to help out for now, but I made it very clear to her that we won’t be sending money to their family every time they ask; it will be a set amount and we won’t go over that no matter what excuses they come up with. I told her that she can move into my condo so she doesn’t need to pay for rent, food and bills so she can save some of her own money, and that I will give her 10,000 baht a month for her parents but I won’t give them 1 baht more.
This arrangement seemed to please her and probably about a month and a half after meeting each other, she moved her stuff to my place and we now lived together. Fast forward 2 years and as luck would have it, we were still living together and in a happy relationship without anything serious happening in our relationship.
She is now full time at the restaurant so she is making more money; we both go out one night a week: she goes out with her friends and I go out with my friends, without each other getting jealous or causing problems. Unfortunately, the money hasn’t stopped for her family; I had still been sending 10,000 baht a month for the past 2 years to them. Although I don’t like doing it, at least it takes the stress off our relationship.
Sometimes I wonder what exactly the money goes towards, because there’s never really a clear breakdown. She just tells me her parents need it for “family things” and I don’t push too hard. Part of me wants to ask for details, but another part of me thinks it’s easier to just let it slide and keep the peace. There have been a couple of times where she needed more money for something, or her family needed extra money for something, but for the most part asking for money has been kept at a minimum.
Should I Marry My Thai Girlfriend
Here is what I need advice on though: for the last couple of months my girlfriend has been bringing up marriage a lot and talking about where we see ourselves in the future. At first I just kind of laughed it off or changed the subject, thinking she was only half serious, but the more she brought it up the more I realised she meant it. It wasn’t just casual talk anymore; she was really looking at me like the guy she wanted to lock things down with. She made it clear when we first met that she wants to move out of Thailand, and she told me that she would easily be able to move to my country if we got married.
The way she talks about it, it almost feels like she’s already planning our life over there, like she’s picturing the house, the job, the whole routine. I just sit there nodding along, but inside I’m not sure if I’m ready for all that yet. Although I am not totally against the idea of marrying my girlfriend, because I do love her and I truly think I am meant to be with her, I do have a few issues in my mind that I can’t seem to shake. The first is the age difference; although it’s not massive compared to some of the relationships in Thailand, it’s still a full 10 years.
Most of the time it doesn’t really matter day to day, but now and again I feel it. Like she’ll be talking about something from her uni days or something from her younger days, and I’ll just be sitting there feeling a bit out of touch. It’s nothing major, but it does remind me that we’re from different stages of life. I am in my late 30s and she is in her 20’s, so it’s not as bad as the really old men you see with younger Thai women, but it’s still a big age difference I guess. The second problem is, and I don’t know if I’m overthinking this one but I’ll try explain it.
She promised me when we met that she stopped freelancing and only did it to make money while she was at university. I believed her then and I still do… well, kind of. I never pushed her too hard on it after that. I just took her word and left it there. But over time, little things started to make me wonder if maybe she hadn’t fully left that life behind.
Even though she is not making great money and I am only giving her some, most of which she sends back home, she still had money to buy jewelry, expensive clothes, go out with friends often and pretty much doing things that she shouldn’t be able to do with the amount she gets paid from work. Now I’m not saying she is freelancing, and it’s only recently crossed my mind, but it’s something I have been thinking about more and more.
Number 3 is: what if she is playing the long game? I do trust her and have believed pretty much everything she has told and shown me so far, but listening to all the stories of foreign guys that have taken a Thai woman back to their country to just be left high and dry once she gets a visa is kind of worrying.
The Risk of Leaving Thailand
We had been joking about a trip she wanted to take to my country, planning little things like what cities we’d visit and what we’d do. It was fun at the time, but in the back of my mind, I couldn’t ignore the things I’d heard about guys getting burned. It made the whole “moving back home” idea feel a bit heavier than it should have. What if that happens to me? What if we get married, I take her back to my country and then she meets someone else and leaves me? I would consider myself pretty strong when it comes to feelings but if that had been her plan all along then I think I would be devastated.
And lastly, I don’t want to leave Thailand, not yet anyway. I enjoy my life here; if I loved my country that much then I wouldn’t have left, but if I tell her that I don’t want to leave Thailand where does that leave us? Her dream is to get out of here, and mine is to stay.
It’s a tough spot because I don’t want to lie to her, but I also don’t want to push her away. Every conversation about the future feels heavier than it should, and I can see her excitement about leaving Thailand while I just want to stay put. If she knows this or I refuse to get married just yet then she might up and leave for someone else that can give her that opportunity of escaping Thailand.
I have been listening to all the stories on your channel and I remember one guy said that if your Thai girlfriend is looking to marry you and she has told you that she wants to leave Thailand then you should not just walk away but you should run. I have spoken to friends and family back home about the situation I am in, and most of them have told me not to marry her because of all the scams and traps they have heard of, but most of them haven’t been to Thailand before.
The problem is, they don’t really get it. They only see the news stories or what people talk about online, so their advice comes from that, not from actually knowing her or living here. It’s easy to stereotype Thai girls and the country as a whole if you have never been, because all that people hear about is the scams, the horror relationship stories and the Thailand nightlife; it’s easy to quickly judge if that is all you know.
So that is where I am at really, submitting my story to try and get some advice from people that have either been to Thailand, been in a similar experience or would just like to share some words of wisdom.
