My Life With a Thai Wife: Lessons From a Long Marriage

After returning to Thailand later in life, one retired American reflects on a long marriage to his Thai wife, the choices that brought them together, and the practical lessons he believes helped them build a life together.

Returning to Thailand After Divorce

So to start with, I need to take you all the way back to 1980 when I first went to Thailand, I’m sure some of you were not born yet. I flew to Bangkok for a week-long break, and hooked up with pretty much every woman I could. The first thing I noticed about these women is that they were very accommodating and friendly, showing so much affection and love, even if it was their job.

I remember thinking that I have never felt like that before with anyone I had ever met. I left Thailand after a week thinking it was the best place I had ever been and I was determined to go back some day. However, life had different plans for me and I ended up marrying a woman in Texas, landing a decent job, have two children, you know, the usual life.

My then-wife and I were together for about 20 years until we had finally had enough of each other. She couldn’t stand me, and I couldn’t stand her, it came to a point where we couldn’t be in the same room together. So with that feeling, we decided to get a divorce and go our separate ways.

I can remember feeling quite depressed because I was not getting any younger, and now I was single again with not much going on in my life. After all those years, the thought of Thailand never left my mind, I would occasionally find myself thinking about Bangkok. A couple of years after my divorce, I thought I needed a vacation, so in 2004 I decided to go on a solo trip to Thailand.

I settled on Chiang Mai because it looked like a place to relax, explore and unwind, unlike the hustle and bustle of Bangkok. I need to say that I did not travel to Thailand in the hopes of finding a wife, I hadn’t long been divorced, remarrying never even crossed my mind.

Meeting His Future Wife in Chiang Mai

Anyway, I got friendly with a tuktuk guy that would hang outside of the hotel I was staying in, and one day he said he would take me around the temples. The only condition was that he had to take me to a few shops, even though I told him that I was not interested in buying any souvenirs, suits or anything else that he took me to. He said that it’s fine, he would still receive a commission for bringing me there.

After the temples, we ended up at a tailor shop where the saleswoman was trying to sell me a full suit. After politely declining, she eventually gave up. Somehow we struck up a conversation about where I was from, what I did for a living and why I was in Thailand.

I kept the divorce part to myself and said that I am just here on a vacation from work. I asked her about her work and life, she said that she wanted to work in Chiang Mai while saving up money to go back home to her village and have her own farm. I don’t know why, but there was just something about the way this woman looked, spoke and conducted herself that just made me feel different.

I took the chance and asked if I could come back again the next day to see her and maybe take her out after work. She agreed. Of course this woman went on to become my wife, and the memory of our first meeting will remain in my heart forever. Now by no means do I recommend anyone to go to Thailand and get loved up as quick as I did, especially with how the country is now.

Remember, back then, women and men for that matter were a lot more respectable, trustworthy and honest. The next 5 days after I met her, she was working every day and I would be leaving at the end of the week for Bangkok to head home, so I would go and see her every morning at her shop for a couple of hours. Once I got back to Bangkok, I called her and we were talking when I would be able to come back and see her.

It seemed we both liked each other, and wanted this to develop into something, she decided early on that I was a good guy. Back in the states, all I could think about was her. I’m sure we have all been there at some point in our lives, where we meet a girl and can’t get her out of our mind, it was like that.

I called her weekly and sent her emails every day. Internet shops were a thing back then, there was one close to her shop that would print out my emails and take them to her. Thinking back, communicating with people back then was not the easiest of tasks.

Thankfully, the internet is much easier to use now. Unfortunately, that is not always a good thing for people looking for love in Thailand now. I also do not recommend guys to do what I did next either.

A Fast K-1 Visa and Marriage

It was only about a month after I had returned home, that I asked her if she would like to join me in the states on a K-1 visa and the chance to marry me. She said yes without hesitation and off she went to the Embassy in Bangkok to do her interview. Luckily, getting a visa back then was a lot easier than I’ve been told it is now, we did not need much proof, just a couple of emails and basic questions about each other.

Once her visa was accepted she flew herself from Bangkok to the states, leaving her two children with her mother for the time being. It was crazy what we did, and if I had met her now, I would probably have taken things much more slowly. I mean, I had never even kissed her, held her hand, touched her or met any of her family, and here she was, at my home planning to get married.

Against all odds with how much things were rushed, I got lucky. She was determined to make this marriage work and have a good life together, even to this day, her motivation to live a good life with me is still there. Me on the other hand, I had already had one failed marriage that took away 20 years of my life, I did not want another one. So I was very determined to make it work.

Learning to Build a Life Together

Of course, we had issues in the first couple of years, but I think that was down to me being a little too hard on her and her not adapting to life here that quick. I had to take a step back and put myself in her shoes, everything would have been totally new for her. She managed to find new friends, mainly other immigrants from the Philippines, Korea and Thailand.

The Thai women she met did not seem like good people, they were either the greedy people focused mainly on money or just extremely lazy. She managed to get jobs in various departments but nothing really stuck, she either did not like the way she was treated or flat out hated the job. In 2010 I was able to finally retire and we had a talk about our future.

I had really had enough of living in the states at that point, and as I’d always loved Thailand, I suggested that we move back to Chiang Mai. Although she was not exactly thrilled about moving back, she soon warmed to the idea. I hope by now that I have not lost your interest, I just wanted to share the background of how we met, how fast things moved and how we live today.

Now I will go through the main part of my story and describe some of the qualities that my Thai wife brought to the table which I think has made our marriage be as successful as it has been. I would also like to share my personal tips to the people that are thinking about marrying a Thai woman. Remember, these are my personal tips that I would follow if I was in the shoes of someone looking for a Thai wife, so take them as you please.

Why Age and Life Experience Matter

A lot of men marry Thai women that are way too young, sorry to say, but that is the reality. It’s more acceptable so to speak to see an older man with a younger girl in Thailand, than it is in the west. But remember, if you do get married, there is a big chance that the plan for you both will be to move to your country in the future.

Granted, some work, but let’s face it, the majority of a huge age difference relationship rarely work. A lot of young Thai women will get in a relationship with an older man for one reason, we all know what that reason is, and it’s not love. When I met my wife, she was already a middle aged woman, so already had plenty of life experience and pretty much knew who she was.

She had a previous Thai husband who did the typical thing and left her and her two children to fend for themselves. Younger women still are unsure what to do with their lives, they still have dreams and ambitions, but for slightly older women, they know the clock is ticking. I believe at the age of 35+ a woman already knows who they are by then, they now have realistic dreams, they know that men aren’t throwing themselves at them anymore and they know its time to settle down.

I am not saying my wife settled down with me because time was running out for her, but I think she took the chance when a good man came around and gave her the chance of marriage and a new life. Age should not be a deal breaker if its perfectly legal, but its certainly something to consider.

How Location Shapes Expectations

Believe it or not, but I genuinely think that this plays a big role in a relationship with a Thai woman. Have you noticed that the majority of the horror relationship stories are about the women are from Pattaya, Bangkok and certain areas of Isan? Of course not everyone is the same in those areas and it wouldn’t be fair to make a broad generalization, but if you are wanting a traditional Thai wife it’s probably best to look elsewhere.

The women in Bangkok and Pattaya are normally after the materialistic life, they are chasing the money, and that’s not a problem but would you really want to marry a woman like that? The women in Isan seem to be natural born people focused mainly on money as some may come from difficult circumstances, that’s why many of them become bar girls. The families of these Isan girls normally put pressure on them to go out to the big cities, make money and send it home.

If you talk to bar workers in Bangkok and Pattaya, it’s rare to find one that does not come from Isan. Thailand is great and is known to have great women, but the world is changing fast. Maybe I am being biased but I find the most traditional Thai women come from the North, and would advise people to travel there.

Again, location is not a deal breaker, but something to consider.

Occupation and Long-Term Intentions

I think you know where I am going when I say what they do for a living. It’s no mystery that a lot of men come to Thailand and end up falling for a bar worker or a woman who works in the nightlife area. I get it, when you first come to Thailand and head to the Bangkok or Pattaya nightlife, it is easy to get caught up with a girl you meet in a bar.

Especially if you are single and lonely, these girls have a way to make you feel special. People often say to leave your heart at the airport, but its easier said than done. Let’s be honest, nine out of ten times these type of relationships do not work, and those that did work, they met years ago when the world was a different place.

If you are going to enter a relationship and even consider marrying a bar worker you need to be very careful and understand what comes with it. It for sure isn’t going to be a smooth ride, but, that’s not to say that it will not work. Try to find a woman who works a real job, or a girl that has not been exposed to the tourist entertainment type of work.

I’m not by any means saying these girls are bad and should be avoided, but if you are looking for something long term then you have to think about the future. Could you really be in a relationship with a girl in that line of work, never mind marrying her? Despite what you may hear, there are decent Thai women out there that are not looking to make fast money from foreigners.

Commitment and Faithfulness

Thais don’t cheat much. If you are used to listening to the bad stories of relationships, then you will probably find this hard to believe. As I said, those type of stories are often about bar workers whose occupation is based around going with other men.

But if you meet a real genuine Thai woman that isn’t in that type of life, then they are very trustworthy and loving. If she isn’t going to do the dirty on you, you shouldn’t do the dirty on you. Chances are if you cheat, she will stay with you, but Thais never forget, and it will only be a matter of time until she retaliates.

I know of 2 relationships where the guys who happen to be farangs cheated on their Thai wives. The wives stayed with them but only to bleed them dry financially. I’m not saying I agree with what they did, but just be careful.

Just be faithful, it’s not that hard guys.

Family Expectations and Financial Boundaries

Thais are very family oriented, I am very lucky that my wife’s family have accepted me and are not people focused mainly on money. As I took my wife away from them and for some years her mother was raising the children, I did offer to support them financially. Having said that, I was just supporting them to live, I would not spoil them or give them extra, nor did my wife ask me to.

The kids I would spoil on their birthday but that would be it. I paid for school, food, supplies etc, but that is all they got from me. Thai families that try to get their daughter to exploit their foreign husband puts a strain on the marriage massively, and in the end, ruins it. So if you do find a beautiful Thai woman that you are planning to start a future with, I would make it clear in the early days that you are not an ATM for her family.

I have heard so many stories of guys that get in a relationship with a Thai woman and it ends with her family wanting one demand after another. Ultimately it leads to a failed relationship, because its like you have to pay for her to be with you, and that is not a healthy relationship. If your future wife or Thai womanfriend is pretty much asking for money from the get go, then it’s a red flag.

That sort of behaviour does not really stop, even if you say you are putting a stop to it. Again, I got lucky. It’s hard for me to actually buy my wife anything, I practically have to force her to let me buy her clothes or something. She is always keeping track of our income, never asking me for extra money or getting me to spoil her.

However, she is content and knows that I will give her what she needs. I’m not a foreigner that will not give his Thai wife anything, nor do I act like one for acceptance from other farangs. If my wife asked me for money, she would get it, but if it became a daily request or a growing red flag, then I would have gotten out of there a long time ago.

Deciding Where to Live

So you have met your future wife, or you have already got married, now you need to make future plans on where you are both going to live. Her coming to your country is probably going to be the easiest option. Moving to Thailand, especially if you are planning to work and not retire, is not as straightforward as it seems.

If you are a younger guy and not old enough for a retirement visa, the best option would be your country. Having said that, a lot of Thai women do not want to move from Thailand. Yes, a lot of them would prefer to stay in Thailand and live comfortably and stay close to family, as many of them already have children.

When we decided for my wife to come to my country, I knew some day that we would end up back in Thailand. My wife was kind of opposite, she did not like the idea of moving back to Thailand, but once we did, I don’t think she would ever leave again.

Language and Communication in Marriage

Here is another thing that a lot of people overlook, they instantly fall in love with a Thai woman based only on her looks, not taking into consideration how hard it will be to communicate with them. Thailand is not like the Philippines as some people think. many Filipinos speak English fluently, they are taught it from a young age.

Many Thai women cannot speak English fluently. Even some of the bar girls struggle. I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t be in a marriage, let alone a relationship where we are communicating by some translation app. Communication in a marriage is so important and if your wife cannot speak enough English (or whatever language you speak) then you are going to have problems, as when issues arise, they will be hard to solve.

She does not have to speak perfect English, but at least some to get by. Not only should your Thai wife be able to speak your language, but it wouldn’t hurt with you learning some Thai while helping her improve her English every day. My wife always worked with tourists, no, not that type of work, so her English was already great when I met her and only improved once she moved to my country.

Shared Priorities for the Future

I know I mentioned earlier that a Thai women family always comes first, and that is true in a way. She should put her kids first, and her mother, but after they get what they need, I need my wife’s priorities to be based around our future. If you are looking for a Thai wife to grow old with and live happily ever after in your country or wherever, then you need to make sure that is what she wants as well.

If you both have different priorities and future goals, the chances are things are going to go wrong sooner or later. My wife still to this day says how she wants to grow old with me and wanted a life in the states, the only difference is we went back to Thailand, but our goals are still the same.

Handling Jealousy and Emotional Differences

Be prepared for sometimes almost ridiculous behaviour from them, Thai ladies can act like children. my wife is petty like a five year old at times and goes off in a huff for hours over something so small, or something that you did not even notice Like if you left a sock in the bathroom after a shower, it gets that bad

Thai women can get very emotional, but I guess I could say that about girls from anywhere in the world. Though, I have noticed that Thai women are extremely jealous. I remember when I first got with my wife, if she thought I was flirting or looking a bit too hard at other girls I would notice her mood change.

This is not something I could live with long term so I put a stop to it fairly soon. Just explaining to her that I would never do anything and there is no need to be jealous, saying that if she acted like that often then it’s going to push us apart. So if you are going to get in a relationship with a Thai woman, or planning on taking it further with your current girlfriend, make sure you want this relationship completely and are not going to play the field.

Jealousy can be a relationship killer, you have been warned. And last but not least

Understanding Dowry and Sinsod

When you are going to marry your Thai fiancé, most likely there will be a dowry payment involved. This is not compulsory and may not even be required, but a lot of Thai families will ask for a dowry. This is where you pay the family an agreed amount of money which will show the family you can financially support their daughter.

This may seem daunting to a foreigner, and yes, there has been lots of scams when it comes to the dowry so be careful and talk to your wife. The cost of the dowry ranges significantly in price, but if they are asking for an unreasonable amount of money and your fiancé agrees with that… see it as a red flag. In modern Thailand, and especially in Bangkok, the dowry can be partly returned to the married couple to use, but in many cases the money is still kept by brides’ families.  All of these factors should be discussed and agreed upon before marriage.