My 50 Year Thailand Expat Story

I guess you could call me just another statistic, but I believe that’s just too simple. Thailand was always a country that sent your mind racing when you thought about everything that you could do there.

My First Time in Thailand, The 1980s

My first time in Thailand was in the 80s. I was posted there by the company I was working for and I immediately fell in love with the country and its people and culture.

The funny thing about it was Thailand was meant to be a hardship post. No one wanted to go there and I was paid more to go and work in Thailand than what I was being paid at home. This was a win-win scenario for me and I got to experience Thailand at a time when many people never got that opportunity.

I worked in the capital Bangkok. There was no public transport system like there is today. Hardly any high-rise condos or office buildings or hotels. And it really felt like you were in the Far East. Is that why we described it as the Far East? Because it felt like it took such a long time to get there.

There were expats back then. But those guys were night and day to the guys that call themselves expats today. They were true pioneers. Guys who would travel halfway around the world into the unknown because of a deep-seated sense of adventure. The best four years of my life was when I was working in Bangkok in the 80s and rolled over into the early 90s.

The Pain of Going Home

Looking back, the amount of money I was being paid was obscene, but all good things had to come to an end and the company brought me back home into a management position. Being back at home and away from the amazement was more of a culture shock than when I arrived in Thailand for the first time. Home just didn’t feel the same anymore.

There was a different part of the world that was ready for anyone brave enough to go and carve out an empire. I toyed with the idea of quitting my job for good and moving full-time to Thailand. This would have been around 1992. But what stopped me was my family. My wife and two children. They hated Bangkok.

Even though they had all the trappings of a luxurious expat existence, they preferred to be back at home. So, I put my dreams of moving to Thailand to the back of my mind, at least for the time being, and got on with life.

That was probably the decision I regret the most. Not saying to my family, “It’s better for us to go to Thailand and build something there.” It was far easier back then to get a strong foothold in Thailand if you had some money behind you. Now you need a fortune behind you, but things do change and that’s part of life and we have to accept it.

I made the decision that I have to live with. And if I’d known that my wife 8 years later would have divorced me and taken a lot of everything that I’d worked so hard for, I probably would have made a different decision. If only we could go back in time and change things. But we can’t, and that’s just part of it.

Divorce and a New Path

There I was in the year 2000, divorced, half as wealthy as I thought I would have been, and two children who were a few years away from university. I wanted to be around as much as possible even though they didn’t live with me and lived with their mom. And I found that the sooner they left for university, I could go down my own path.

I returned to Thailand again in 2003, and it was like a different world to the one I experienced when I used to work there. Small shophouse buildings dotted around central Bangkok that used to be available for next to nothing were now fortunes. The guys that own land in the right place, they were the new multi-millionaires.

I regretted my decision not to have moved to Thailand when I could have done and being part of the huge rise that happened in Thailand. I was only there for a short break, but Thailand was still somewhere that I wished I could live. So, I decided to make it my mission to retire to Thailand when I could. Hopefully, that would be as soon as possible. Thailand just felt like the place I belonged.

Moving Back for Good in 2008

I moved back for good in 2008. I was 55 and newly retired. And those five years between 2003 and 2008 also saw some incredible change in Bangkok. I can remember going to my usual hotel when I got back in 2008 and seeing so many new buildings appearing literally out of thin air. It again made me wish that I had gotten in at the ground level and been part of the boom.

2008 looking back wasn’t the best time to move to Thailand. Thailand was moving closer to the west and because we had the financial crisis, the value of western currencies dropped and the status of expats had diminished ever since. It used to be the case that western experts had to be brought into the country in order to make the country operate properly. But over time, a highly skilled local population has taken the place of the highly paid expat to a large extent.

But that being said, I was in Thailand and happy to be there. I was single ever since my wife filed for divorce and I didn’t entertain the idea of trying to find someone else. But all that changed on a day in 2008.

Meeting Dear

I was in the New Wave Pool Bar on Sukhumvit Soi 7. That place has since closed down a long time ago, but I met a girl in there that changed my life forever. Her name was Dear, and she sat at a table perpendicular to the bar and had a bottle of water that she was savoring as best she could.

The thing I liked about that bar was it wasn’t a typical bar in the sense that if you met someone, you had to pay the bar. It was more that the girls would go there and hope to meet someone, order their own drinks, and leave together.

Dear told me she had just come out of a relationship with someone that was quite serious, but she found out that he was living not a double life, but a treble life. She said it was his aim to have one wife in Thailand, one wife in the Philippines, and another in Vietnam. I’m not sure why. And she found out and broke it off. That’s something she said she had to do.

I told her I just moved permanently to Thailand. I used to work there many years ago and was amazed about how much Bangkok and Thailand has changed over what was not all that long.

Dear wasn’t like any of the other girls I’d gotten to know in Thailand. She seemed to be a bit more sophisticated and just looking for a husband. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but that did change when I met her.

A Whirlwind Romance

From then on, I felt like we had a whirlwind romance. Being retired, I could go anywhere or do anything at the drop of a hat. And we found ourselves traveling from Bangkok down to Hua Hin. We went to a few other places as well, and when we arrived back in Bangkok approximately a month later, she just kind of moved in with me. It wasn’t talked about, but it just felt natural.

We were married not long after and when I told my children, who were going to university, that I was getting married to someone, they were a bit shocked to learn that she was only 28. But they knew how much I was missing their mom and how lonely I’d been, so they supported me through it. They didn’t make it to Thailand for the wedding, but they did come to visit later on.

I know everyone talks about sin sod and dowry in Thailand. I just accepted that as part of Thai culture. She didn’t have any children yet, hadn’t been married yet, so I was happy to play along. The fact that she had been in a serious relationship didn’t play any concern to me.

Three Perfect Years

Dear was like no one else I’d ever been with. She seemed to do her best to make everything about me. I don’t mean that in a selfish way, but I mean that in a way like she knew what her job was. Mine was to financially support her. Hers was to support me also in the best way she could.

I was madly in love with her and I thought that she loved me as well. I think she did, but you can’t really ever know the truth. You can’t go inside someone’s head, I think that’s the best way to describe it.

We did everything together. The condo we were living in had a pool, and if I went for a swim, she went for a swim. It was just that kind of relationship, and I loved her dearly. I had three of the best years of my life with Dear.

The Tragedy of 2011

And that all came crashing down in 2011. She was visiting her family where she came from and she was involved in a motorcycle accident. She wasn’t wearing a helmet, but I don’t think that would have helped. A drunk driver in a pickup veered straight into her when she was waiting to turn out of a side road.

That was a very hard time to get through. I felt like I had just started to enjoy myself, just started to enjoy my retirement and had someone to enjoy it with. And it all ended in the blink of an eye.

The Graphic Reality of Thai Funerals

For anybody that doesn’t know, the funeral services that they have in Thailand are extremely graphic. In the West, we’re used to everything being sanitized in such a way to try to take out the actual reality of what it is that has just happened. But in Thailand, the whole village follows on from the casket, walking from the house where she used to live to the local crematorium.

But the crematorium is not one like you might be used to. I still feel shocked about how it unfolded. I don’t think it’s best to describe exactly what I witnessed, but it was graphic. Let’s just say everything was done manually as opposed to how it might work back in the Western world.

It was a fitting end, and I was left feeling hollow and empty with no idea if I should even stay in Thailand anymore. Everything reminded me of her, and I didn’t know what to do about it. I moved to a different condo. I had to get a friend to go and take all my things out of that condo because it was just too painful to go there myself.

Drowning My Sorrows

But I ended up getting back on my feet and started to feel somewhat like my old self again around 6 months later. During those six months, I’m ashamed to say that I drank heavily. I dug into my savings at a rate that could have sent me to ruin if I didn’t pull myself together.

But one night, when I was drowning away my sorrows, I met another girl. She didn’t look anything like Dear, but her mannerisms and the way she smiled made me feel like I could be happy again.

Rushing Into a Relationship with Tat

I rushed things too quickly to get into a relationship with her. Her name was Tat and she was older than Dear, 33 when we met. The difference between her and Dear was that she already had some children from her previous marriage. That didn’t work out, and as usual with the typical type of story, she was working in Bangkok to make money to send back to her parents who looked after her children.

I rushed way too quickly into getting married to Tat. I desperately wanted to get back into that life that I had with Dear and I felt like Tat could make me happy. That’s what I was searching for, happiness.

Leaving Bangkok for the Countryside

I got married in the traditional way again and she moved into my condo in Bangkok. It just didn’t feel right in Bangkok anymore. I felt like the Bangkok that I knew back in the 80s had completely vanished. And I also felt like the Bangkok I found in 2003 was changing around me.

On Tat’s request, we went up to her hometown to look at the possibility of building a house in the countryside, get out of Bangkok completely, have a different way of life, and start a fresh. I think that was what the main thing was: wanting to start over with a clean slate.

Construction began on her house not long after. We bought some land on the outskirts of her village. Or should I say, I bought some land for her on the outskirts of her village, and we built a modest house. The construction prices back then were very reasonable compared to now. I’d say less than half the price if I built it today.

A New Life Interrupted

We moved in not long after, and initially, I felt like we’d made the right decision. Leaving Bangkok was a decision I didn’t take lightly because I loved so much about the city. But there were so many things I loved about the city that didn’t exist anymore. So going somewhere new with a whole different way of life was a good option. I was still in my 50s. I was enjoying retired life in the village.

And out of the blue, one of my old work colleagues contacted me and said they had a job lined up and they wanted my expertise to help them. It would only last a year or so, but the pay was fantastic. That came completely out of nowhere. One day, I’m enjoying retirement, living out in rural Thailand, and the next a possibility to earn an easy $100,000 for doing some work that I’d done all my life.

I thought about it and spoke to Tat about it, and we agreed that if she could go as well, pending her getting a visa, then we should go for it. Luckily, she managed to get the visa quite easily and we left Thailand a month later.

Life Back Home (and Tat’s Misery)

It was a culture shock being back at home and Tat hated it, but we knew it was only for a short time and it would give us more money to enjoy our lives back in Thailand when we made it there. I was busy from dawn till dusk and we were renting a small apartment. Tat would just stay there all day not doing much of anything. I could tell she was bored.

With 6 months left on the contract, we decided it might be best for her to return to Thailand. And I would join her in 6 months. We talked about it for a long time because she was just so miserable there. I mean, I was miserable there as well, but the money was worth it. I took her to the airport, made sure she checked in okay, and kissed her goodbye.

The Growing Distance

I returned to work and started counting down the days until I could go back to Thailand to our house in the countryside. I spoke to Tat every day. This was when we still needed to use phones, and it was quite expensive. You had special numbers to dial in order to reach Thailand, but it worked for us.

She’d been back a month, and contact was fading slightly. She didn’t always answer when I called, but I just struck it off because she knew I was going to be back soon. Once she didn’t answer for a whole week, and I was starting to get worried. I had the telephone number for her family members, and I tried to call them. They didn’t understand English, but they did tell her that I was trying to reach her.

When I finally spoke to her, she said she was sorry, but she’d been visiting some friends in Bangkok. We’d not spoken about her doing this. She was meant to be going back to our house and waiting for me there. I didn’t like the idea of her being in Bangkok and potentially getting back into her old way of life. I was sending her money every month and I thought it was more than enough, but she was becoming more and more distant.

The last 3 months of working, with her being distant and me struggling to speak to her, were three dreadful months. I thought it was going to be worth it for the amount of money I was getting, but deep down I felt something was wrong with Tat.

The Airport That Changed Everything

When I returned to Thailand, she told me she was going to meet me at the airport. When I got there, she was nowhere to be seen. I tried to call her. She didn’t answer. I waited for an hour. Then I thought, “I’ll give it another hour, and if she doesn’t show up, I’ll need to leave myself.” She didn’t show up.

I made my way to a hotel for the night and kept trying to contact her. When she finally picked up, she said she was sorry, but she accidentally went out the night before and got drunk, and she’d only just woken up. I didn’t know if I should have believed her or not, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she came to the hotel not long after.

As soon as I saw her, I knew something was wrong. You could just tell by the look on her face that she’d been up to no good. But I was too tired to push it that evening. So I let it slide.

The Truth About the House

The next day, she told me that she didn’t want to go back to the house that we built in the countryside. She wanted to stay in Bangkok and live there instead. She said we could live there together. It turns out she’d only visited the house in the past 6 months one time. One time in 6 months of her being in Thailand. She’d been living in Bangkok and hiding it from me.

I was gutted to find this out. And when I asked her why she had lied to me, she told me she didn’t lie. She never said that she was in the house. And she missed me so much. She thought if she stayed with friends in Bangkok, the time would go quicker and I could return soon.

That’s when I thought that she’s hiding something from me. But how could I find out what she’d been doing?

We did return to the house a few days later and it was in a shocking state, considering that we’d only just left 6 months ago. There were cobwebs all over the ceilings. Nothing had been cleaned and the garden was overgrown. It looked like it had been built 5 years ago and not touched since. It was really upsetting to see the house in that condition.

I asked Tat why she had not done anything to keep the house in a fit state. Her children were living there and her parents. I didn’t have a problem with this when we weren’t there. It was agreed that they would leave when we moved back in, but they could have kept the place clean at least.

Back to Bangkok, and More Red Flags

When we were there, all she wanted to do was go back to Bangkok. She said it was boring there and she missed her friends. She was behaving like she was 10 years younger than she was. But reluctantly, I agreed to go back to Bangkok with her and rent a condo there.

The only problem was she was hardly ever there. She was always out, always going to see friends, coming back at ridiculous hours in the morning. And I just had enough. Deep down, I knew she was up to something. But the problem was going to be proving it. How could I prove what she was doing?

Playing Detective

I came up with an idea. I told her I needed to leave Thailand for a few months to go back and do some work and I’d be back soon. But actually, I wouldn’t leave Thailand at all. I’d see if I could catch her doing things that a married woman should not be doing.

She seemed happy when she was told that I was going to leave. She even took me to the airport, happy that I was leaving Thailand. We waved goodbye, and I waited for her to go. Instead, I got a taxi to a hotel in Bangkok.

I knew where she used to work, and I knew roughly where she liked to go. Our condo was close by to both those places. Later that evening I walked close by the condo and I must admit I felt a bit foolish trying to spy on my wife. But I was sure she was doing something.

Unfortunately that evening I didn’t see her. I walked past the bar where she used to work and she wasn’t there. I called it a night.

The Dead-End Soi

The condo that we rented was in the middle of a soi. You’d only ever walk in one direction on the way to the main road. You’d never walk in the other direction because it didn’t lead anywhere. It was a dead end soi. But they did have a bar approximately 50 meters away from the condo entrance in the wrong direction.

So I decided to go there early the next day and just sit it out. A few hours went by and sure enough she walked out of the condo. She was by herself, but she just went to 7-Eleven and then went back to the condo. Perhaps it was too early.

I waited it out all day and around 8:00 p.m. she left the condo again and I followed her. Unfortunately, she jumped on the back of a motorcycle taxi, but I quickly managed to get on one myself and stayed behind her. I saw her walk into the bar where she used to work. Maybe she was just seeing friends, but I didn’t know what she was doing. I knew that she shouldn’t be there.

I decided to leave and come back later on. That’s when it hit me. She wasn’t there. I had the key for the condo. So I went to see if she was there, but she wasn’t. All I could do was go back to the bar.

The Confrontation

And lo and behold, she was there sitting next to a guy. He had his arm wrapped around her, and they both had drinks. This didn’t make any sense to me because I thought I gave her enough money to live on. But I’d seen enough.

I walked in and asked her what she was doing. The look on her face was priceless. She was caught. The guy she was with looked startled, but when I informed him that this was my wife, he looked visibly shocked. I wasn’t angry with him. He wasn’t to know anything. But I did ask him what’s going on, and he just said as plain as day, “We’ve just got back to the bar after going to a hotel, and this is my girlfriend. She’s been my girlfriend for 5 years.”

I found out that he just came to Thailand every now and then and just so happened to have been in Thailand for an extended 6 months. He wanted to see her as much as possible. He was giving her a lot of money and I guess she thought it was worthwhile having.

I just left and walked back to the condo and wondered if she’d show up. She did not long later, saying she was sorry but she didn’t want to make this other man upset because he’d been seeing her for a long time, even longer than when we were together. She wanted her cake and she wanted to eat it as well. I was appalled by her behavior.

The Old Saying Rings True

But that takes you back to the original statement that everybody says. “You can take a girl out of a bar, but you can’t take the bar out of a girl.” That statement rings so true.

I obviously had no choice but to end the relationship. One house and a lot of money poorer. I lost about the same amount of money that I earned by doing that year’s work. It didn’t break me, but I couldn’t understand what her problem was. She thought she could carry on with two guys. One guy builds a house, lives there for a bit, takes her to England, she returns by herself, then has this other guy who comes to Thailand every now and again, and she wants to see him as well.

She didn’t need the extra money that this guy was giving her. That’s what I don’t get. But I guess she wanted it all if she could have it.

A Happy Ending (Against the Odds)

That’s not the end of my story. But what I’m doing now, I’m pretty sure will see me out to the end of my life. I did get married again. I did build another house again in the countryside. But we’ve been living there for over 10 years, and I’m as happy as ever.

It’s very difficult to trust anyone in Thailand, but there are good ones out there, although it might be like finding a needle in a haystack. I know some guys are going to say, “You were burned once. Why put yourself in a position when you can get burned again?” But like I said, over 10 years and we’re still living there.

I’m getting older now and she takes care of me. I honestly feel like we have each other’s best interests at heart.

But that was my Thailand experience, almost 50 years in the making. And I’m exactly where I belong.