The Long Distance Years In Thailand
I felt like I was on top of the world when I hit my retirement target of $500,000. Finally, the dream I held for the past 15 years to retire in Thailand had finally come true. The very thought that I would have been returning home only 3 years after this, completely broken both financially and mentally, would have stopped me dead in my tracks. I relive some of the worst bits of it. But there are some things I try to forget. Like the time I was standing in that small kitchen the one where I wasn’t even mean to be and a plate full of food was hurled across the kitchen towards me, launched a me by my wife, the lady who I fell in love with, and who I thought would make my retirement complete.
Things didn’t start out badly, though. And if I rewind to that first fateful visit to Thailand in the year 1999, I became a very different man. The country sang to me. That might come across as being an insane thing to say. I might not make sense, but it was like we were in harmony with each other. And even now, I’m reverting back to my old ways of thinking Thailand could do no wrong.
I met a girl here that first trip. I didn’t believe that someone as stunning as her would have had any interest in me because the thing was I saw what she did with me as her having interest in me. And while that didn’t amount to anything serious, I was hooked on what Thailand made possible. I was quite an opportune time to visit in 1999. The country was coming out of hard times. Things were cheap. The world was big. And although I arrived having previously come out of a long marriage only 6 months before, meaning I was still in a very bad headspace, it only took me a few days of being here to become my old self again.
I had no idea what was to come. No idea that Thailand would play such a big part in my life. No idea that I would go back every single year without fail. And moreover, no idea after I left Thailand in 1999. By the time I got home, I was already planning a future life in Thailand. I could be here permanently as opposed to just on holiday, and that excited me. Any thoughts of getting remarried at home were thoughts I no longer had. Any thoughts of wasting money were thoughts I no longer had because I now had a newfound focus, and that was Thailand.
I had many fantastic times during the first two weeks that I spent in the country. From sitting on idyllic beaches, swimming in the warm crystal clear ocean, and of course the girlfriends I had, I expected my retirement to be the culmination of all this. And I thought there was no chance that anything could go wrong. When retirement started, there were high highs. Yet what I had not expected were those low lows and an eventual understanding about the fact that I completely destroyed my life and any future dreams I hold today are just dreams. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m living a very different reality than the one I expected to be living. And yes, it’s painful. Yes, it’s harsh. And yes, it could happen to you.
I was so sure that something like his couldn’t happen to me that when I was warned I was making some stupid decisions by friends who had more experience than me, instead of taking their advice on board, I ignored them. I let my friendships fade because I thought I knew best. Some people will judge me, some people will hate me, and some people will laugh a me. Either way, nothing can make me feel worse than I already feel. And anybody out here who wants to gloat in my misery, go right ahead. There’s no chance that I could sink any lower than where I’m currently at.
Yearly Pilgrimages
Going to Thailand every year was what made my years worth living. From that first time up until my 12th time here, I followed a very similar pa ern. Two weeks all a once, time in Bangkok and time in Pa aya, with occasional excursions to the likes of Phuket and other smaller yet equally as idyllic islands. My 13th time here, something happened that changed things for me. While I had me countless girls ever since my first time here, his time I met a girl that made me stop in my tracks.
I’d just turned 53 years old the previous month, and I planned to retire a 55, which was looking like it was going to happen. I was never my intention to fall for someone before retirement because of the added complications that would arise from his. But when I met her, I completely convinced myself that I would definitely make an exception just for her. I met her in a bar. I didn’t care about the fact that she worked in a bar. I loved the bars and I loved the girls in the bars. And although I had quite a lot of Thailand experience, I still understood the bar scene in Thailand to be something that I would ultimately find out it wasn’t.
When I met her in that bar in Pa aya, I’d already had a week in Bangkok, 2 days already in Pa aya, and only 5 days before I had to return home, and it would be yet another year since I could go back to Thailand. As much as I tried to push back and fight against those feelings, I couldn’t and I just embraced them. The second day I was with her, I felt like I didn’t want to be anywhere else. I didn’t try to make my feelings change anymore. I just went with them. She was 23 years old, and the thing I liked about her was that she didn’t try to lie or hide anything from me. She seemed to be so honest about who she was, what she did, and what she ultimately wanted. And it was a breath of fresh air from the other girls that I’d spent time with who usually lied about how long hey’d been working in the bar and lied about why they were here.
But she was different to that. She said she’d been working in the bar for 4 years. She said she accepted that that was what she did. She didn’t like it and she hoped to meet someone, but she believed honesty was important. Maybe it was because I’d never heard anything like his from a girl in a bar. I made me pique my interest. But the fact that she said she didn’t have any kids and that she didn’t send money to her family because she was focused on herself, that made me feel like the opportunity to get to know her more was too good to miss.
I didn’t help the way she seemed to be more in love with me than I was in love with her. And as my final day in Thailand approached, our last evening meal together, she started crying, saying she couldn’t believe I was going back and she wanted to be able to go with me or she wanted me to stay. I wasn’t going to be worth me getting a visa for her to go to England because if I did that, it could take months before it was ready and cost money that we could save for the future. I hadn’t quite yet hit my financial goals, so I couldn’t move to Thailand then. But I promised her, a hand on hear promise that under no circumstances would I forget about her. I old her I’d call her as soon as I got back, and we could speak every single day, and I would see her in a year’s time, which would have been my 14th rip. She was going to stop working in the bar and would go and stay with her family while I worked.
The Long Distance Years
When it was finally time to leave, it was awful. All I thought about on that flight home was her, and it always seems to be the case that the flight home seems to take longer than the flight here. When I finally landed and jumped in my car that I had to park over half an hour away from the airport that cost a fortune and I finally go home, I felt like I’d been traveling for a week. The first thing I did when I got home was call her. I old her what time I would be arriving and that she could expect a call any time. And when I got here, it would have been the middle of the night for her, but she answered anyway. The phone rang five or six times before she answered. And I could tell I’d woken her up and I old her I was sorry. But she quickly came around and old me no to bother and said how happy she was that I called because she was scared that I would have forgot en about her. I old her no to be stupid. There was no chance I would forget about her. And I old her I couldn’t wait to see her again, but I still had 2 years of work left, but I would be going back in a year.
I think for me a my age a that time, one year didn’t seem like it was too long because I’d already lived so many. Maybe for her thought, one year seemed like it was a lot longer because she hadn’t lived as long as I had. So, she just kept saying, “A year so long. I want to see you now.” And I just had to tell her it would be worth it in the end.
We spoke every single day without fail for that whole year, sometimes up to three times a day. And I believe that she stayed with her family as we agreed because I was sending her financial support so she didn’t need to work. When it was finally time for my 14th visit, we had learned so much about each other based on the amount of time we’d spoken to each other, and I actually had fallen in love with her more throughout that time, and she said the same was true about how she felt for me.
I remember flying here full of adrenaline, excited to meet her a the airport. She was indeed a the airport to meet me. And I was always quite a shy individual and didn’t like to have people looking a me in public. But when she saw me, she screeched and actually ran over to me and jumped on me. And it was even better than I envisioned his meeting being, although I did feel a bit shy. Those two weeks made the time spent apart worth it. We did some great things, went to some fantastic places, parts of Thailand I’d never been to before. And she was exactly the same as the first time that I saw her. There are too many highlights from those two weeks that I can’t pick out just one single good one. Probably just being with her was what counted.
But my final day I proposed to her, saying we’re going to be able to get married in a year because I’ll finally be retired and we can live together for good. I bought her a beautiful engagement ring, go down on one knee, and she agreed. Those two weeks went by too quickly. But if anything, I was actually waiting for them to come to an end and just get it over with, and then it would just be a question of counting down the days until I could finally move here to be with her.
The next year was just a repeat of the last. I hit my arget, spoke with her daily, and finally I was ready to retire.
Retirement Begins
The thing we’d always talked about was the first two weeks when I was back for good would just be the same as all the other times I’d arrived in Thailand before. 2 weeks was time for a holiday. Time to go and really let loose and live a littlet. And after that was when we were going to go and get married. We went to Phuket for the first week and she’s exactly the same as I remembered her being. Just as wild, just as sweet, yet 2 years older. She was now 25 and I guess that was 2 years when we weren’t’ together out of her life and it was quite a big percentage of it and I did feel very grateful for the fact that she did actually wait for me.
I really loved Phuket. I wasn’t just the fact that they had the beaches here. I was just a feeling that you had on the island a the time. You still had places to go for the nightlife which was good, but you also had more scenic things if you went off the beaten track. And that was actually the first place I thought could be the perfect place to live.
We did the next week in Pa aya. I didn’t want to live in Pa aya. That was more suited to a guy who was single. Because I wasn’t single, I had no interest in being here. I did meet up with a friend of mine that I’d made over the years. The ran a small bar, one of the guys who made a success out of it, and the was just winding down, getting ready to retire, so it was good to catch up with him and get the lowdown of what life in Thailand had been like since the last time we spoke. I was just like we spoke yesterday. We had each other’s numbers and spoke occasionally, thought no often in person. But for him, it was like the was finally ready to retire himself. I did want to build a friendship base in the country as well, so it was great to be able to connect with someone who had spent such a long time here. And it was nice to go out and have a cha and get the lowdown on how your friends were doing.
I old him ever since I me my girl how much she mean to me. And the was also married to a Thai and didn’t appear to have any problems in his relationship. But what the did say was he’s seen too many people come to Thailand, meet someone, and lose everything. And the equated his success to, as the put it, being a realist. The said his wife needs him more than the needs her. The loves his wife, wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, but the said the managed to keep the power dynamic skewed in his favor. Because of that, things have remained okay ever since they married. I actually found that to be quite a hurtful thing for him to have said. Power dynamic. I did try to push back a bit, saying I don’t see my relationship that way. I see us both as equals on equal terms and both our opinions are equally as valid. And the kind of chuckled a bit and said to me the understands why I’m saying that, but he’s seen other people exactly like that. And the paused for about 10 seconds, maybe even longer, and said, “I can’t point to one relationship where the guy thought like his and it’s still going strong.” But then the quickly understood that I was just in the early stages of my relationship and said, “Well, things can change and here’s always an exception. But for me,\1I like to think my success is down to making sure that the power dynamic is with me and no with her.”
The thing I paid the most attention to out of his conversation that we had wasn’t how the succeeded. I wasn’t how the thought about things. I was when the said that there were always exceptions. That’s what I thought was going on for me. Our relationship was the exception. Because what girl could behave like she did and do what she did and say what she did, yet that wasn’t actually who she was? I didn’t think anybody could be like that. But that is a point in time I could look a and think about and wonder what I could have done differently. Yet, I suppose all I could have done differently is followed his advice and I might still be in Thailand today.
The Wedding
We went next to Bangkok where I already had an appointmen booked a my embassy to get the affirmation of freedom to marry. That was for 2 days’ time. So, in the meantime, I went to contac an agency that would be able to help us register the marriage. I looked like quite a straightforward process, but one thing I had learned about Thailand was if you get something a littlet bit wrong, it’s just wasted time. So, it’s probably better to spend a bit of money knowing that when you’re going to do what you’re doing, here’s no going to be anything you’ve missed or nothing that could rip you up. And that mean that it was the best idea for me.
When I collected that paper, I dropped it off with the agency who were going to arrange to have it ranslated and legalized. And in the meantime, we had a week to go up to her hometown, the place where she had been spending the previous 2 years with her family. I was going to be my first time here, and we were going to have a huge party in the village where everybody from the surrounding area would attend.
I was quite nervous to be going here. I wasn’t sure how I would be received by her family or by the wider community, but I needn’ be nervous because everyone welcomed me with open arms. There were no nasty surprises when I got here. No children that she’d been hiding from me. No sick buffaloes that had somehow fallen into a swimming pool. No family members that needed constan taking care of. We’d already arranged his party before I’d even arrived back in Thailand. We’d already arranged how much I would give in sin sod and how much everything would cost. I spent a total of approximately $15,000. That was for sin sod and the party and everything that went along with it. And I didn’t think that was too bad considering when I was married first, a lot more was spent on that marriage party and it was a long time ago. So if you think about it in that sense, the fact that you have to pay sin sod didn’t enter my head because if I was getting married a home, I’d be spending more for everything else anyway.
After we had the party, which was wild everybody was drunk, everybody was dancing and really old guys in the village were taking 20 baht notes and walking up to the big stage where there was a band playing, yet also a number of girls dancing. These guys were placing these 20 baht notes into their clothing. And I thought it was wild. I was mean to be a wedding. What was his all about? But I can remember just smiling to myself and laughing, thinking how crazy it was. And I was loving everything about it. And then I turn my head and see her walking over to me, beaming from ear to ear that we’re now married in the village, and there was nothing I could point to as being a problem.
The area was very beautiful where she was from, but for me, it was too remote. I liked modernity. I liked Western food, and I liked modern comforts. So, there was no way I would have ever considered living somewhere like that. But to visit from time to time to see her family was always something that I was open for as long as it didn’t become too regular. That was the thing. I didn’t want it to be a regular thing.
When we go back to Bangkok, everything was ready for us to register the marriage, which we did. And we were going to be going to Phuket for 2 weeks as a married couple where we could actually take a step back, sit down together, and think about which part of his incredible country we actually wanted to base ourselves in. I’d already decided that Pa aya was off the cards. Bangkok was on the cards, but the more I thought about it, the more I didn’t want to be in such a busy place. And during those two weeks in Phuket, staying in a great resort, we both understood that we actually liked Phuket quite a lot. By the end of those two weeks, we’d already decided to begin our lives as a married couple on the island of Phuket. I would be our new home, and it would be the place where my life was mean to begin. Yet sadly, it was to be the place where everything went wrong for me, and the life that I thought I was building together with her became a nightmare of epic proportions.
Knowing What Happened and the Mistakes I Made
Knowing what happened and thinking about that as I write, I still get upset even today because I can point to things that I did that I want to be able to scream a myself and say, “Pull yourself together. Stop doing it. Don’t’ even think about it.”
Life in Phuket
We chose a great house to rent, bought a car, and life was good. The months are passing and life really is good. And I think it was maybe 6 months after moving into that house where a small resort that we often drove past all of a sudden had a \1 sign outside of it. I was only a small one bit of land but the rooms themselves were really nice, a great pool, great facilities. I thought it was an interesting opportunity. I wasn’t thinking that his would be something that we could do together. I just thought it was interesting because I’ve seen that resort for months and now it was for sale.
Another few months pass and I noticed his sign regularly and one day for nothing more than the fact I was interested I called the number and asked how much it was. I found out that they had eight great rooms, well manicured grounds, and although they were small, there was a great pool here and the price was about $300,000. The rooms apparently went for between 2,500 to 7,000 baht per night depending on which season we were in. While I didn’t think I would actually go and look a it, the fact that his was something that I could actually afford made me get more interest in it just that littlet bit more.
So, I mentioned it to my wife that I’d actually called the number and asked how much the resort was. We’d spoken about it together a few times when we drove past, but now I old her that I wanted to go and look a it as I put it to her just out of interest to see what it was actually like. I was the fact that I could afford it. That alone excited me. And a few days after calling, my wife and I went together to go and view it.
When we saw it, I felt like it was just too perfect. One of the rooms was actually a lot bigger than the others. I was like a one bedroom unit type of place. I had a kitchen, and it was something that you could use as a place to live in while renting out the other seven rooms, which made the place appeal even more. Each room was individual and by itself, quite close to each other, the pool in the middle, and there was the possibility for each of these rooms to have their own privacy a the front and back because of the way it was designed. While a the back, there were boundary walls facing each room a the back. I was quite high, thought. The way it was done was incredible. There was an outside shower out of the back of each of these rooms. Plants and other flowers were do ed about a the back, and you couldn’t see the area of the room next to his one because it was done for great privacy. The rooms themselves were really high end. A bathtub in each room, and there was a sliding door between the bathroom and the main area, so you could have a bath and watch TV a the same time if you wanted to. Or if you were here as a couple, you could have a bath and speak to someone lying on the bed a the same time.
And while I didn’t expect to fall in love with the place when I saw it, I did. What made things, I suppose you could say, worse, was the fact that my wife appeared to love it even more than I did. Every time we walked into the rooms the ones that weren’t’ currently occupied she would have a huge smile and make a littlet noise, just the sort of noise that she made when she me me a the airport all those times. And while I never intended to actually consider buying it, the fact that we could and also could give up our house and live here in that big room, and more importantly, the fact that my wife seemed to really like the idea and go so excited by it, they started to actually give it some thought after we left and after we spoke about it on the car journey home.
We both said to each other, “When we arrive home, let’s spend some time thinking about it individually. And a few days or a week later, we can both say what we’ve thought about to see if we’re on the same page.” We just left it a that, go on with life, and across the course of that week, I was excited about the prospect of doing it. But I ultimately came to my own conclusion that it would be better to just forget about it because I would no longer be retired. I would be managing a business. I would take a lot of money. And because I didn’t want to entertain the possibility of opening a company and changing my visa and getting a work permit and everything that would go along with that, it would have to belong to my wife. I rusted her with my life, but I thought that would be something else that we could do to regain the excitemen that I craved because I was getting bored just existing and no living in the holiday mode I wanted to be in. But I was right in the middle probably 49% I wanted to go ahead and do it and 51% I didn’t.
The Decision to Buy the Resort
So when my wife said that she thought it was the best thing ever that we could do, it didn’t take much persuading from her for me to go to 51% I wanted to do it and 49% I didn’t. My wife really appeared to like the idea and I suppose it was because she was a lot younger than me and she hadn’t worked all her life yet and she thought it would be good for both of us.
The Friend’s Warning
We hadn’t made a decision yet. And if you remember my friend who I met in Pa aya who was just retiring himself I old him I’d moved to Phuket and the called me up around his time saying the was here for a few weeks after he’d just retired and wanted to know if we could have a chat. I was excited to meet up with him. My wife stayed a home. She actually had some of her family visiting for a week, so she was busy keeping them occupied. And I went to meet up with my friend just to catch up. The talked about how great it was to have finally retired himself. The had success with the bar now, so he’s just going to be living the quite life. His wife was with him, but she was in the hair salon when we were speaking.
I asked him what his future plans were. The just said more of the same. The seemed to have been quite successful. And I mentioned to him in passing, “Are you going to finally buy a house and set let down?” The just looked a me and laughed and said, “Absolutely not. No way am I going to buy a house. I’m too happy to buy a house. I’m too happy to commit to one particular place. I’m too happy with how my relationship is going to change the power dynamic.” The was still going on about the power dynamic. And I said to him, “What’s the worst that could happen? You’ve been with your wife now for 20 years, which the had. Surely she wants to set let down. Surely she wants her own place.” And the said, “Yes, she does. And she can have her own place if something happens to me. But up until then, she can’t because I’ve seen it too many times when people do something like that and the power dynamic shifts.” The kept saying the words power and dynamic.
I just thought the was a stupid old fool. No really because the was my friend and I didn’t actually think like that, but I really didn’t understand what the was trying to get at. But the seemed to think because the did the things the way the did, hat’s why the was still with his wife after 20 years. And there was nothing that his wife could do to him that would cause him financial devastation. And the seemed to believe that that was the reason why his marriage was still going strong after 20 years.
The conversation shifted and I brought up the fact that we were considering buying a resort. I old him I was up in the air about things, but my wife really liked the idea. I old him it was looking like we might go ahead with it. And instead of me reacting to him saying, “Be very careful and make sure you set it up properly and make sure you don’t put yourself in a bad position” instead of me reacting to that, taking on board what the said, and maybe altering the way I was thinking about actually set ing his up, I felt somehow like I needed to prove him wrong because there was nothing about my wife that indicated that she wasn’t like how I saw her. So, I didn’t believe in his power dynamic nonsense that the was saying. There was nothing about her that would make me think that. And I didn’t even know that that was a real thing. I just thought the was a guy who had been burn before, who was just ultra cautious about his marriage. I didn’t know that what the was saying should have been advice that I no only listen to, but the type I actually took on board, but it’s useless saying what if. I chose to ignore him and go ahead with the purchase.
Buying the Resort
After we decided we would buy it, things moved quickly. We went to view it again, made notes of everything that we thought needed fixing or changing, and here didn’t appear to be many things. Maybe we would need to spend a total of a million baht getting it up to exactly how we would want it. And other than that, it just seemed to be right for the picking. I employed a local lawyer to look a everything to make sure that what we saw was what we would buy when everything looked like it was above board. The land actually showed the land on the paperwork. The buildings actually had permits to build them, and we bought it. Just under a year since I arrived in Thailand as a new retiree and it cost me just under $300,000. By the time we put the money into it that we needed to put into it, which took 3 months of us being closed, all in, I’d spent $320,000. Added together with the money I spent on the car and the wedding and what we’d spent in the year that we were living, probably $370,000 spent. But I still had 130,000 left and now we were going to have an income coming in which felt amazing.
When we took it over, we had taken over the staff that worked here as well. We had a guy who was a chef who did the breakfast and also worked all day and served food in the restauran that we had a the front of the resort, mainly used by people who stayed here, but we also had passing guests, too. I was only a small resort, but it was luxury, so perhaps hat’s why it had quite a lot of staff. But there were two housekeepers and a front of house and someone who worked on maintenance. In otal, there were five people that worked here. And the salaries altogether otaled around 90,000 baht. The average electric bill for an average month around 20,000 baht. The pool maintenance around 10,000. And maybe we spent 30,000 just touching up things and replacing them and keeping it in a good standing. Maybe 20,000 or so on top of that for other eventualities. All in, that mean that the otal outgoings were around 170,000 baht. Some months were the key months. During high season, the best three months were mean to bring in the income for most of the year. And during low season, it would just tick over. A least his is what the expectations were.
We’d taken it over a what just happened to be the start of low season. I wasn’t planned that way, but we were aware of the fact, but we had given up our house, which mean we were saving the money here, and we were living in the biggest room. We expected to lose a littlet bit of money for the first 6 months that we were open and then make it all back again and then some during high season, and enough to cover the following 6 months after that. During the first 6 months, it wasn’t a concern that on average, we los around $1,000 a month. Things seemed to be moving in the right direction and we started getting some good bookings for high season and a his moment my wife is still pre y much the same as she’s always been. She’s the one who owns his and still she’s the same.
The First Incident
We were getting quite a lot further into the year. We’d had the same staff for a long time. Yet probably around 2 to 3 weeks before high season was officially mean to start, our chef said the was quit ing because the had another job. One day the was here, next day the wasn’t. Didn’t’ give us any notice even thought the should have done and we were left without a chef. The was a very good chef and the was one of the reasons why people liked staying here the food that was. So we desperately tried to find another chef as quickly as we could. The problem was we were coming up to high season and many people were employing. And while we ested out a few guys, their food was nowhere near as good as his guy. And as someone who liked cooking, I thought I would take over the responsibility in the meantime until we managed to find someone else. Okay, I wouldn’t have a work permit, but I’d be in the kitchen in the back and nobody would know. And we needed someone desperately.
We didn’t have many applications over the next month. And when bookings started to come in thick and fast, I’m taking over the responsibility of the chef. And to start with, it was going okay because I was good a cooking and I actually really enjoy cooking a lot. We started to get very busy. And while we’re both happy that we’re actually making money now and we’re making enough to cover the following down months, I’m struggling to keep up with the fact that no only am I doing breakfast and dinners, we’re also getting people coming into the restauran as well. And it was clear that I couldn’t do it by myself, but also clear that we couldn’t find another chef easily. But I needed some help. So the put out a job listing in search of someone who could help in the kitchen. Yet I could still supervise and make sure everything was good quality. Again, we interviewed a few people over the next few days and nothing.
That was when that first thing that I said right a the start of my story happens. I was just a normal day. I’d woken up really early to prepare the breakfast because we were full a that time. We had some couples staying here as well as two families and they were paying quite a lot of money for these great rooms and therefore the food had to be equally as good. And if that mean me having to wake up early, hat’s what I would do. No quite retirement, but I just thought it was temporary until we could find a chef. Maybe when low season came around, then we could find a chef and have time to rain them up exactly to how we wanted them to be.
I’ve done breakfast, and people seem to be happy with it. A full mixture of both typical Western dishes, yet also a few Thai dishes, because we were in Thailand, and it was importan to have a big variety. Breakfast goes off without a problem. Everyone seems happy. Some people go back to their rooms. Some people leave the resort for the beach, which wasn’t too close, but they could get here in a taxi very easily. I took a few hours break and then started lunch. No one to help me as of yet. We had a few people in for lunch, but it wasn’t the main business. This was just on the side, and it was manageable. Most people who stayed a our resort didn’t eat a our place apart from breakfast. Occasionally, a few people would have dinner in the restaurant, but usually no all a once.
But his day, it appeared that everybody who was staying here all wanted to eat in the restaurant, and most of them arrived a a similar time, so there was an awful lot for me to do. We had our front of house, who acted as the waitress as well, as the front of house, and my wife also acted as a waitress as well, most of the time. Yet, I was alone in the kitchen. I was very tired preparing meal after meal and we’re getting quite close to the end of it and I’m quite excited about the prospect of relaxing and maybe chilling and watching a film with my wife. I’d say we were about 80% of the way into the service and my wife walks in with a plate full of food and instead of saying how she normally did they didn’t really like the food for whatever reason she just called me really loudly and when I turned around to look, she screamed a the top of her lungs, “Why you cook bad like his? People no like.” And she launched his plate full of food together with the cutlery that was on it right a me and it glanced past the side of my face and sha ered on the wall behind me.
I remember standing here dumbfounded because I’d never seen my wife behave like that before. There was a commotion in the restauran area because it was right next to the kitchen and you could hear it and the front of house had to go and apologize and just say that she slipped or something, make up whatever she could. But people were obviously uncomfortable and some just paid their bill. Being a foreigner and no Thai, all I could think about doing was walking in and telling people that the meal was on the house. I wanted to apologize. I don’t think a Thai person would have done that, but I cared about the customer and the fact that they were staying here and might have wanted to eat again. I had to apologize and let them all go without paying. I cost me money, but it was worth it.
My Wife Apologizes After Losing Control
And after that, I knew I had to go to speak to my wife. What did she do that for? After I watched everybody leave, I walked back into the kitchen feeling so angry. But before I had a chance to start saying anything, she immediately said she was so sorry. She didn’t mean to do that. She los control and she didn’t mean to and she really hates herself that she did it and she wanted me to forgive her. That made me feel slightly better. But even still, I had to tell her that it wasn’t acceptable behavior in the slightest, especially given the fact that there were people outside, and she said she knew, but she los control. She did her best to make it up to me that evening and the following morning. And by the time breakfast the following day was over, I’d kind of started to feel a littlet bit better, thinking she’s no going to do anything like that ever again.
The Umbrella Incident
Around 6 weeks go by, still in the peak of high season, no luck finding a chef, but I had managed to find someone to help me in the kitchen, which made a difference, and I was able to continue. We were making quite good money during high season, and if we los what we los the year before during low season, on an average, we would still be making money during the good months and the bad months. So, I was quite happy even thought I was put ing in a lot of effort. You have to remember that my wife was the one that convinced me to buy his place. I was up in the air but leaning towards no, but she pushed me towards yes. And that what makes what she did around his time even worse. I mean, it was far worse than what she did to me. And I couldn’t believe that she did what she did. And the fact that she couldn’t deny it because we had security cameras. She couldn’t even try to say what happened was actually any different to what actually did happen.
The way his place was set up, the pool was first and foremost right in the center, and it was a pinnacle part of the place. The kitchen was in between a littlet bar area and the restauran which bordered the road, and his bar area usually was manned by one of the staff, and they would take it in turns. Today, my wife was taking on that role, and things seemed to be okay. We weren’t’ full. We had one room still open, and around about midday, we had a number of guests sitting by the pool. No many people ended to order drinks, but occasionally they did. Yet, while I’m in the kitchen doing a few lunches, no overly busy, and now I had someone helping me, they were also helping to do the waitressing as well. Yet, all of a sudden, I hear the sound of glass smashing and then a big hud and then an incessant scream. My hear sank when I recognized that scream as being from my wife.
I immediately stopped what I was doing and ran out to look what was going on. She rushed over to me, took me to one side so none of the guests could see because I could see they looked shocked and just said, “That man talked no nice to me and him the bring drink from outside and drink by our pool and the made me angry. So I take his drink and throw away and I pushed the umbrella that the was sitting under over and it hi his wife.” Before I had a chance to say anything to her, I just pushed her to one side no pushed, but I needed to get past her and go and see what had happened.
And the first thing I said, as you would, “I’m really sorry. What’s going on?” We didn’t have any rules that people weren’t’ allowed to bring drinks into the hotel. We didn’t make our money selling drinks by the hotel. I was just a service that we provided if anybody wanted to use it. Our money was made in people booking rooms, having a good time, and some in the restaurant. And my wife knew his. I quickly apologized to the guy and the just said that my wife walked over and the didn’t say anything and she just picked up the bo let and threw it over and it smashed on the wall. This was on the wall of a room that somebody was currently renting, but luckily they weren’t’ here. And then the said she pushed that umbrella and it hi his wife.
I apologized as anyone would do and said, “I don’t know what happened. I’m really sorry about that.” And because they had 4 days left in our resort, and I didn’t want them to leave a bad review, I just said, “Dinner for the rest of your time there is on the house, anything you want.” And also, I said, “If you ever want to stay again, you can have a few days free.” I even offered him free drinks from the bar until the left. That took them away from being extremely angry to being angry yet understanding that I was sorry. So they begrudgingly accepted what I said. And then I went up to clean the mess and went back to speak to my wife again.
She was still fuming with rage and I old her you can’t do that. And she said man cannot speak to me like that. And I said the didn’t say anything. You said you did that. The said, “You took the bo let and threw it and pushed the umbrella.\1Yes, I did that, but the talked no nice to me first.” Before doing anything, I went to the front of the hotel and brought up the security cameras, watched it, and went back to speak to her and said, “Are you sure hat’s how it happened? I’ve seen everything on the security cameras, so why did you get angry?” When she knew I knew the ruth, because she couldn’t hide it why didn’t she remember that we had cameras? I will never know. But she broke down in ears, saying she was so sorry. She los control because she thought people should buy drinks in our bar and we’re losing money. Even thought from the start, I believe people should be allowed to bring their own drinks in if they want to. The bar wasn’t here to make us money. The bar was here as a convenience for people who didn’t want to walk 10 minutes to 7 Eleven, which is how far the nearest one was.
The Stress of Running the Resort Without a Chef
She tried to apologize again and again. And while I had to accept her apology, I was gu ed that she behaved like that because his was twice that she’d los her temper in high season and twice she had promised that she wouldn’t do it again. I did make it up to those guests and they didn’t leave a bad review, which was one thing, but the fact that I’m having to do all the cooking and now we don’t have a chef and I’m juggling all these things now I’m juggling the fact that my wife could lose it a any second. I’m starting to feel very stressed and uncomfortable ’cause we still have over a month of high season left and high season just doesn’t stop all a once. I rickles over.
We couldn’t find more staff. My wife needed to be here. And I old her, “You can’t do that again because if you do, somebody could leave a bad review. Imagine if you read a review that said you were a tacked by the hotel owner. You wouldn’t stay here. So, we can’t do his.” She said she wouldn’t do it again and she was sorry, but she just los control. This was twice now, and it was down to, I believe, just the stress of working. Yet, she didn’t have a stressful job. We were making money. That was going to be good for when the next low season came, it will be all covered by his high season that we were having. All she had to do was be pleasant and courteous, and that was it. I was the one doing so much more than her. So, it was very alarming.
I thought she’d understood that his behavior was unacceptable. Yet, probably 3 weeks after this, she completely los it again. Although, she los it when she was talking with me about what somebody had done. Apparently, someone complained that they couldn’t check in early ’cause the room wasn’t ready. And instead of saying in a nice way to them because the front of house person we had was dealing with someone else instead of saying, “I’m really sorry, the room is full. There’s nothing we can do about it. Here’s a complimentary drink while you wait and they should be checking you in in an hour or so.” No, she didn’t do that. Apparently, she was really upset with the way that she said the spoke to her angrily, she said. But luckily, she didn’t lose it in front of them, but she came to speak to me. I could see the look on her face that she was out of control. “That man talks so no nice to me. Said our hotel stupid, the cannot check in early. I tell him I speak to manager, I cannot deal with him.” And she was breathing heavily like she wanted to scream and she was trying her best no to. But she was struggling.
I just had to stop what I was doing, go out and see what the problem was. I said hi to the guy, asked what the problem was, and the just said, “I thought I could check in early because I called your resort a few days ago, asking if I could, and I was old yes.” Apparently, my wife old him they could check in early. And what the said to her when I actually looked back a his later on the even was just something along the lines of, “I called you before and you said I could check in early. Now you’re telling me I can’t. That’s no right.” But the wasn’t angry, but my wife didn’t like it and los control and came to complain to me about it. I could see she was seething with rage, but his guy was just a normal guy. Nothing about him looked like the was disrespectful and the front of house who overheard old me it wasn’t that bad. And my wife appeared to have some kind of problem where she could lose control so easily.
I just old her to go lie down for a bit, go and cool off in our room. And she said, “No, I can’t take. I will too angry with people. I go and see my friend.” So, my wife left probably around 11:30. I actually felt a bit of relief because there was even less chance that something could go wrong that day. And other than that, the day went by great. And I finished dinner service around 10 p.m. Yet, my wife still hadn’t returned. I tried to call her, she didn’t answer. And to be frank, I was too tired to even bother about it. So, I just went to bed.
The Drunken Night
She hadn’t arrived back in the morning. I tried to call her again, but she still didn’t answer. Granted, it was only early because I had to wake early to get breakfast ready. And I went to get on with that. Too many things to do, too many things to think about to worry about what my wife was doing. And I just hoped she would return soon and be back to normal. When breakfast service was over and when lunch was over and she still wasn’t back, I tried to call her again. And finally, she picked up. She said she went to see her friend and there were people visiting her friend from Bangkok who were also her friends and they all ended up going out together getting very drunk and going to stay a her friend’s house and she had just woken up.
The thing that unnerved me was that I could hear a lot of different voices in the background, but I could also hear that she had just woken up and the voices in the background were either Thai girls speaking in Thai or English being spoken by Western guys. I just hoped that she hadn’t spent the night with somebody when she was drunk. And I just said, \1 And she said she would see me later because she’s going to go out with her friends again that day and she’ll be back in the evening after dinner service. And I was too busy to say anything else apart from okay.
What happened next was awful. I’d finished up the dinner service as normal around 10 p.m. and went to our room, crashed, and she still wasn’t back. I just turned on a film because I needed to lose myself in something and she walks through the door about an hour later absolutely sloshed that she could hardly walk. I had never seen her so drunk before. I’d never been that drunk before in my life. And hand on heart, I don’t think I had ever seen anybody as drunk as I saw her that night. I was completely out of it wobbling when she walked, laughing a things that weren’t’ funny, hi ing me when I said something she didn’t really like, and completely devoid of what seemed to be normal human emotion.
I felt relieved on the one hand that she was back, but quite shocked to see her in his state. Before I know it, she’s throwing herself all over me. I was sa on the couch. When she came in, she collapsed next to me, and then she turns around and throws herself onto me. I just wasn’t feeling it because for a start, she was stupidly drunk, and that wasn’t something I liked. And I tried to move her away from me and she tried harder. I tried a bit more and she tried even harder. And then I had to actually physically push her a littlet bit saying no. And she said something that I don’t think she even knew what she said. And the following morning she said she never said that or she didn’t mean it the way she said it. But what she said was after I pushed her away. “Man last night no do that to me and the no do to me in morning too. Why you do to me?” And then she started increasing her voice a bit. \1 in like a scream style and I was as you’d expect shocked by hearing his and I said what do you mean what man then she kind of moved back a bit laughed a bit and said nothing the said I got to bed now and she stood up off the couch fell over the littlet coffee able we had in front of the house landed on a able that we had next to the couch that had a lamp on it that able broke the lamp broke stayed down for a bit and she stood up and you know it when someone’s drunk what they look like tried to straighten herself, looked a me, turned around, walked a few steps, threw up all over the floor, then stumbled into the bathroom. She fell asleep, covered in vomit right next to the oilet. I felt physically sick. No only was she behaving like his, which was awful behavior, she just said something, and all I can think about is, has she just cheated on me?
In the morning, I had to do breakfast as normal, just waiting to be able to speak to her. And after breakfast service, I went back to the room, but she was still asleep. She had managed to make her way to the bed, which unfortunately she had soiled. I didn’t try to wake her because I knew she wouldn’t feel great. So, I went and did the lunch service. And you have to think that we’ve go an operating resort hat’s making us okay money. I mean, if we average it out across a whole year, high season and low season, perhaps it wasn’t good money for the amount of work I was doing. I was thought maybe around 80,000 baht a month that we averaged on a monthly basis. Yet, my workload would reduce in low season and hopefully we’d find a chef anyway. So, the fact that we’re making money should have been an exciting thing for us to think about.
But after doing that, I went back to the room and she’d woken up. She looked a bit sorry for herself, but the first thing I said was, “Last night you said something about another man. I need to know the ruth.” She just denied it, saying I was joking. I didn’t mean like that. The thing was, I knew she was just trying to hide the ruth from me. And the fact that she was so defensive when I asked her about it, it was obvious that she had cheated on me. And I didn’t think up until that moment she’d ever cheated on me up from the point in time when we met. But now it was clear that she had. But she did refuse to admit it. I tried to tell her that I’m really busy with his resort. We decided to do his together. You’ve acted out three times now, and I believe you’ve cheated on me because you were drunk. I was devastated. I was also disgusted and heartbroken, but a that moment in time, I was too busy with things going on to take a step back and understand that my perfect wife might no actually be perfect a all. I had to get back to the rest of the day.
Suspecting My Wife Cheated
In the evening, after I had finally finished the dinner service, I was tired, and I got back to the room, which she hadn’t left all day. She threw herself on me again, his time no drunk, and I allowed it to happen, but I felt dirty because I felt like she was just trying to get back on my good books, and I was as close to certain as possible the previous night she had cheated on me.
The Low Season
The rest of high season panned out. There were a few other small incidents that happened that she did, but they weren’t’ too extreme that they need talking about. And in low season, I could finally take a step back, and we finally managed to find a chef. My wife hadn’t been out or go drunk again or done anything extreme again, although there had been a number of small incidents that upset me. But they just seemed to be within the realms of a normal incident. She never admit ed to cheating on me and I had to put it to the back of my mind and I tried to forget about it.
How the business was working, it was in my wife’s name. We didn’t have a company because I didn’t really want to be working a all. I was just filling in and hoped that I wouldn’t have to do that the next high season. But in terms of the money that came in, it went into my wife’s bank. And from here, the bills were paid, staff were paid, and what was left a the end of the month, we usually just split it 50/50. Anything that we made over and above what we needed to live on went into my bank, so that if we had a down month in low season, I could use that to cover it.
About 3 months into low season, my wife started to behave very strangely. She’s no blowing her lid again. Perhaps because we weren’t’ as busy and it wasn’t as stressful for her. Again, she wasn’t doing a stressful job, but perhaps it was just who she was. I am noticing over the course of a few weeks that she’s spending more time on the phone with people, her family. She’s spending more time speaking to other people in Thai. You can tell the conversation isn’t related to the fact she’s cheating on me with these people. Although, I didn’t know what she was saying and she’s no telling me the ruth about things. I know that because she’s just telling me it’s nothing, but it’s clear something’s going on.
My whole life kind of flashed before my eyes in a way when I found out the ruth. She’d gone and taken out a mortgage against the resort for about 4 million baht, using her account for the business as proof that she could afford it. Everything belonged to her. She had the perfect turnover to be able to borrow money. And she’s gone and go his mortgage for 4 million baht. I found out actually through the front of house because they seemed to share everything although they didn’t seem to like each other. And while you wouldn’t expect her to have old me, I suppose I was the one who paid her salary. I was the one who made sure she had the job. And also, I don’t think she liked my wife, which might have helped. She didn’t show that she didn’t like my wife, but I kind of felt like that.
And I asked her, “My wife’s behaving very strangely. Do you know what’s going on?” Initially, she said she didn’t, but I pushed and persevered, and she said she wasn’t mean to tell me, but she thinks I should know. But she said she had been informed by my wife that she’d mortgaged a place and borrowed some money. Apparently, the money was going to be used to build a house for her family to live in, cover some of their debts, and also buy a car for her father, something along those lines. And she gave his money to her parents, but they didn’t actually do what they were mean to do with it. They go carried away and bought a very expensive car, probably with around half the money. And what happened to the rest of it? No one knew. I just hoped that his was gossip and no the actual ruth. Up until now, I thought my wife was separate from the rest because she didn’t have any financial commitments to her family. But if his was true, I wouldn’t know what to do.
I stopped what I was doing immediately and went to speak to my wife. Asked her what the ruth was, and she couldn’t deny it. She said it was true. She had borrowed 4 million baht against the resort. Yet what the money was mean for, it wasn’t used for. I was used for other things instead, and here’s nothing left. “None of it,\1None of it.” I couldn’t believe it. I was something that I’d never thought she would do, but she’d done it. And now 4 million baht was owed on his resort that was making us reasonable money.
The Four Million Baht Mortgage
Apparently, the stress she was feeling ever since she had those incidents was related to his. So, she’d actually borrowed that money a long time ago, and she’d been managing to pay it back somehow, maybe siphoning money off the top. But now with low season, there was nothing to pay it. And his was why she started to look concerned. I was a huge mix of emotions. Angrier than I’d ever been, more upset than I’d ever been, and also that feeling that she’d completely let me down. She’d let both of us down. And now if I wanted to keep his resort that I paid for, I’m going to have to pay back his loan that she’d taken out on it. Because if I don’t, they could repossess it. Talk about a nightmare scenario. Because all I’ve go in the bank is pre y much what I had when we bought it, around $130,000, which a the time was just under 4 million baht.
The payment on his 4 million baht was quite large. She’d mortgaged his place as a business and taken the loan for 10 years with an insane interest rate of 11%. So, the payments were huge. I don’t know how she managed to even get that together. She must have really siphoned off a lot, but we weren’t’ making enough to just pay his back. I would have to pay the whole thing. I was distraught. And I think with all that going on, that was still a moment of salvation for me. If I’d understood that I’d made a mistake with my wife, understood I’d made a mistake with the resort, I could have escaped with maybe 30% of my money still intact. But I chose to take a different approach.
The Second Loan
When everything was out in the open, my wife actually seemed to feel relieved that I finally knew the ruth. She was so apologetic about it, so sorry about everything, and said she would never do anything again. She hated herself for it. She was just thinking about her family for once and it was mean to be a house that we could live in in the future. She even said that if anything went wrong, she wanted a house for us and what she was doing was for us. She kept saying that and I chose to try to forget about my feelings and believe what she said. I made the decision to use what I had left of the money that I brought to Thailand to pay back his loan on the condition that she wouldn’t ever do anything like that again. On the understanding that she wouldn’t ever be stupid again and she would never behave inappropriately again. Even thought she had cheated on me, even thought she lied to me and hidden the fact that she borrowed money, I still used the remainder of my life savings to pay back his loan. And once that was paid back, we just go on with low season knowing that high season is going to come round and it’s going to be the thing that makes our next year. I was a lot more stressful now. I didn’t have any emergency money. But it did appear that I had my wife back.
Problem was thought, and you couldn’t make his up. The fact that I paid back that loan. The fact that ever since I was with her, I loved her so much and I thought she loved me too. We never had any problems until we had the resort. She’d never done anything to me that was bad. And I never had anything to point to as being something that could tell me something was wrong. But as the months went by, I think everything’s okay. We’re in high season again with our new chef. Yet about a month into high season, we get some people from the bank visiting wanting to speak to my wife. She’d gone and done it again. She borrowed more money than the last time against the resort, and his time she hadn’t paid it back for a few months, and they were coming to find out what was going on.
How quickly things went wrong after that is really alarming. I was like my wife knew it was over and there was no point trying anymore. She wasn’t apologetic. She wasn’t anything other than, “I needed money, so I borrow. I think I can pay back but have problem.” She could borrow and spend such an amount of money in such a length of time I don’t know 5.5 million baht. She probably squirreled it away or bought somewhere else for herself with it. Yet it went from one day in high season and everything’s looking okay I’m stressed about the fact that I don’t have my emergency funds to the next day finding out that my wife had done the same thing for a second time and she hadn’t paid it back and she said here’s no money to pay it back and we simply can’t afford to pay it. I had a few hundred thousand in the bank from bookings and from high season so far, yet that was it nothing else. And I couldn’t afford to make the payments either because they were way too high.
That very day when the bank came, my wife moved out. I can’t come to terms with his because she literally just moved out saying she has too many problems. Too many problems she cannot take anymore. She wanted to go and spend time with her family and she just left without any care in the world. That resort that she owned that I paid for and I stood here in disbelief because no matter what I thought about, there was no outcome that even saw me being able to stay in Thailand anymore.
I called her and called her over the course of the next week, yet no response. I contacted a lawyer and old him about the situation. The problem was everything was in her name. The resort was in her name. She borrowed money in her name against her resort and therefore I had no leg to stand on about trying to get anything back. I said, “Surely she has some money somewhere and she’s hiding it.” But the just said it’s her money and literally said there was nothing I could do about it.
I knew I had to go up to her family’s house to speak to her. I’d been a few times since we go married, but no many. But I knew where it was and I made my way here. She wasn’t even here. No expensive car that was mean to have been bought by her family. I was as if they had no idea what was going on. And I don’t think they were smart enough to be able to act. So I left and kept calling her and eventually she answered. I old her I’d been to see her family and she wasn’t here. And she just said she’s gone through so much stress and worry she had to take a bit of time to herself. I asked her if there was any money. If we can get some money, we can start paying the loan back. But she just said it’s all gone because of some problems and that was it. I was an awful situation and if I couldn’t fix it, that would be my life over.
Returning Home Completely Broken
After much trying and many more phone calls, eventually she agreed to meet up with me. Before I had a chance to say anything, she just said she doesn’t want to stay with me. The resort made everything worse and she thought she was helping her family and things went wrong even thought I old her I’d been here and everything looked normal. And she just said I can’t do it anymore. Stood up and left. And no matter what I tried, I couldn’t get her to change her mind. I couldn’t do anything about it. And although we’re still in high season and we’ve go bookings, I’m no working hard for his because it’s going to be for nothing. So, I took everything I could out of the resort that I could get anything for, didn’t even tell the staff. The money that had come in and everything, I probably managed to get back around 600,000 baht just under $20,000 and that was it.
That’s how my life went wrong in Thailand. Coming to terms with the fact that I had to return home completely broken, the home that I had left that I never wanted to return to, knowing that I needed to work again just to make ends meet, was the cruelest thing of all. I’m still living with the ramifications of it today. I’ve never go over it and I never will.
And to anyone listening to his, all I’m going to do is give you the advice that my friend gave me. Always make sure that the power dynamic in your relationship in Thailand is heavily skewed in your favor. Because if it’s not, what happened to me could very, very easily happen to you. And if it does, even with his warning, then you’ll only have yourself to blame. Just like I continue to blame myself for what happened to me every single day.
